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Original poster

I've asked you a thousand times....

96 replies

MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 08:25

...and yet you still persist in mindlessly scrolling through your phone when we're together.

URGH.

Backstory
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We don't live together - in fact we live over 60 miles apart. Due to a combination of work and children (one of each apiece) our time together consists of two nights twice a month. That's a whole 48 hours x 2 a month. It's precious and important time.

The phone issue
The boyfriend uses the phone as entertainment when he's bored. He's in multiple messenger and whatsapp groups to do with his multiple hobbies. He is tied to his phone. I have asked him again and again and again (and explained calmly why) that I find it really rude when he - in the middle of us enjoying our extremely limited time together - finds it necessary to respond to a jokey comment sent by a friend, or mindlessly scroll through every instagram story. He apologises every time. Yet he seems incapable of remembering how annoying I find it and so returns to doing it. He answers texts from his ex-wife within minutes about lost socks or PE kits (those kind of things that are important but hardly time sensitive). When he's not playing his hobby, he's texting his team mates about it, all in-jokes and silly comments - while we are trying, for example, to enjoy the incredible view on our beachside Friday evening chill time.

My feelings
I know that my love language is around undivided attention. Five minutes of one on one time to me is massively precious. Call me when you have time and space and no distractions (he calls me from the car for example when his son is there so it's noisy and not exactly intimate). I've explained this so many times. I use 'this is how I feel' sentences rather than 'you do X, Y and Z'. I just wonder if he just doesn't get it. I have said 'I feel like you don't prioritise our time together and it makes me feel really sad' and he says sorry. But then continues to do it.

What can I do now? What can I say now?
Your thoughts are so welcomed.

OP posts:
AlternativelyWired · 14/06/2022 08:29

Life's too short for crap relationships. What are his good points? Three years and only 48 hours a month sounds miserable. What do you get from the relationship except for feeling that you aren't important?

Sauce99 · 14/06/2022 08:42

My feelings
I know that my love language is around undivided attention.
You lost me there. He answers messages on his phone. That would also apply to 95% of the population.

HappypusSadpus · 14/06/2022 08:57

He's a grown adult, OP. If he doesn't want to put it down he doesn't have to.

You're not compatibile. That's pretty clear.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 08:59

HappypusSadpus · 14/06/2022 08:57

He's a grown adult, OP. If he doesn't want to put it down he doesn't have to.

You're not compatibile. That's pretty clear.

A grown adult, but with the attention span of a young child it would seem.

I hope OP does see that they are incompatible, because her parameters are not tolerating rudeness.

12Thorns · 14/06/2022 09:00

I think he is happy and enjoying himself, and having his phone in his hand is part of that

Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:02

Btw - he's 47, I'm 48. Thought that might be worth pointing out.

In terms of compatibility - there are hundreds of awesome things about him which perfectly match me. I think he's my soul-mate, he thinks the same. But this phone thing is just so annoying!

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 14/06/2022 09:09

I'm pretty glued to my phone when I'm by myself, but put it away in company. My brother on the other hand will pick it up as soon as it pings in the middle of a conversation, in a restaurant, with a group of friends, smirk at whatever it was, put it down and say, 'sorry what did you say?'

Drives me NUTS. 95% of things pinging your phone can wait.

You're unreasonable to expect 'undivided' attention though. You're not a toddler or a spoiled cat.

fontime · 14/06/2022 09:09

He can go on his phone if he wants surely? Is he ignoring you when you are talking to him?

Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:12

TibetanTerrah · 14/06/2022 09:09

I'm pretty glued to my phone when I'm by myself, but put it away in company. My brother on the other hand will pick it up as soon as it pings in the middle of a conversation, in a restaurant, with a group of friends, smirk at whatever it was, put it down and say, 'sorry what did you say?'

Drives me NUTS. 95% of things pinging your phone can wait.

You're unreasonable to expect 'undivided' attention though. You're not a toddler or a spoiled cat.

I think I'd agree with you on the undivided attention thing if we lived together and therefore life was one long round of mundanity and washing socks. But our time together is so ridiculously time-limited and within the parameters of the way the rest of our life has to run, that I sort of hoped it wouldn't be a challenging condition to meet, but one which was happy and joyous to take part in. Undivided attention isn't the want of a spoiled child - it's revelling in being back together again after so much enforced absence. I mean I do get it if there's a disaster or an emergency or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:13

fontime · 14/06/2022 09:09

He can go on his phone if he wants surely? Is he ignoring you when you are talking to him?

Yes - once he's looking at his phone he can't hear me.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 14/06/2022 09:17

He's not your soulmate. His soulmate is his phone. He chooses that over you every single time you meet.

frydae · 14/06/2022 09:17

I know that my love language is around undivided attention.

Love language Confused

Urgh. You are not compatible. You are hugely needy and he is not going to speak your 'love language'. I think he could probably use his phone less but I suspect the reason he isn't is a response to your demands.

theyetijumpedoverthemoon · 14/06/2022 09:18

Perhaps he just wants a normal time together instead of being under pressure to enjoy every second?

I've done the LDR thing and we went the opposite way - just lived in a bubble over the weekends we were together. But a) we were young and had no ties, and b) once we got out of the bubble we found we didn't actually have that much in common.

frydae · 14/06/2022 09:18

Soul mates? This is very one sided. Your need for undivided attention and to label yourselves as soul mates probably stems from your own insecurities.

Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:20

frydae · 14/06/2022 09:17

I know that my love language is around undivided attention.

Love language Confused

Urgh. You are not compatible. You are hugely needy and he is not going to speak your 'love language'. I think he could probably use his phone less but I suspect the reason he isn't is a response to your demands.

I wouldn't say I'm terribly needy at all. 90% of the time we're apart so our lives don't intertwine at all. I get on with being a busy working mum, and he gets on with being a busy working dad. We speak on the phone of an evening - not all the time - depends if we have stuff to tell each other. We live fairly independent lives. Not sure that I'm seeing much neediness in that!

OP posts:
Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:21

HollowTalk · 14/06/2022 09:17

He's not your soulmate. His soulmate is his phone. He chooses that over you every single time you meet.

Very valid point.

OP posts:
frydae · 14/06/2022 09:22

I wouldn't say I'm terribly needy at all. 90% of the time we're apart so our lives don't intertwine at all. I get on with being a busy working mum, and he gets on with being a busy working dad. We speak on the phone of an evening - not all the time - depends if we have stuff to tell each other. We live fairly independent lives. Not sure that I'm seeing much neediness in that!

I wasn't talking about your general say to say though, I was talking about your time together. You are very needy during that. You have an expectation of undivided attention with is intensely off putting for the majority.

frydae · 14/06/2022 09:22

Day to day

Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:24

theyetijumpedoverthemoon · 14/06/2022 09:18

Perhaps he just wants a normal time together instead of being under pressure to enjoy every second?

I've done the LDR thing and we went the opposite way - just lived in a bubble over the weekends we were together. But a) we were young and had no ties, and b) once we got out of the bubble we found we didn't actually have that much in common.

It's interesting you should use the word bubble as that is what is used to be like but, as expected, over the past three a bit years normality has crept in.

I think people's obsession with their phones and the 'life' that is going on virtually is massively to the detriment of being in the present and enjoying the now. I tell my teenager the same. Maybe I'm just a bit old-fashioned.

OP posts:
frydae · 14/06/2022 09:26

I think people's obsession with their phones and the 'life' that is going on virtually is massively to the detriment of being in the present and enjoying the now. I tell my teenager the same. Maybe I'm just a bit old-fashioned.

If it wasn't his phone it might be something else? A book, a game? It's easy to blame the phone but I think your expectations of your time together are unrealistic.

maslinpan · 14/06/2022 09:27

Bloody hell, if the rest of you only had proper time with your SO two days a month, wouldn't you hope that he could have his attention focused on you? I would!

Original poster
MidLifeResurgence74 · 14/06/2022 09:28

maslinpan · 14/06/2022 09:27

Bloody hell, if the rest of you only had proper time with your SO two days a month, wouldn't you hope that he could have his attention focused on you? I would!

Cheers! I was beginning to question my own feelings on this one......

OP posts:
theyetijumpedoverthemoon · 14/06/2022 09:32

I don't know - we don't do phones at the table or during an active conversation, but if we're just chilling out together it's just part of that. I think after three years (even LTR) there's only so much gazing into each other's eyes you can do.

theyetijumpedoverthemoon · 14/06/2022 09:34

*LDR

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 09:37

frydae · 14/06/2022 09:17

I know that my love language is around undivided attention.

Love language Confused

Urgh. You are not compatible. You are hugely needy and he is not going to speak your 'love language'. I think he could probably use his phone less but I suspect the reason he isn't is a response to your demands.

A few PP have misread OP's comment about "undivided attention" now.

She actually specified FIVE MINUTES of undivided attention.
That's hardly a big ask, & any NT adult should be able to do it.

Communication is everything in relationships. It's not "needy" to prefer communication over telly-watching or mindless phone-scrolling.