I've asked you a thousand times....

[MidLifeResurgence74]

...and yet you still persist in mindlessly scrolling through your phone when we're together.

URGH.

Backstory
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We don't live together - in fact we live over 60 miles apart. Due to a combination of work and children (one of each apiece) our time together consists of two nights twice a month. That's a whole 48 hours x 2 a month. It's precious and important time.

The phone issue
The boyfriend uses the phone as entertainment when he's bored. He's in multiple messenger and whatsapp groups to do with his multiple hobbies. He is tied to his phone. I have asked him again and again and again (and explained calmly why) that I find it really rude when he - in the middle of us enjoying our extremely limited time together - finds it necessary to respond to a jokey comment sent by a friend, or mindlessly scroll through every instagram story. He apologises every time. Yet he seems incapable of remembering how annoying I find it and so returns to doing it. He answers texts from his ex-wife within minutes about lost socks or PE kits (those kind of things that are important but hardly time sensitive). When he's not playing his hobby, he's texting his team mates about it, all in-jokes and silly comments - while we are trying, for example, to enjoy the incredible view on our beachside Friday evening chill time.

My feelings
I know that my love language is around undivided attention. Five minutes of one on one time to me is massively precious. Call me when you have time and space and no distractions (he calls me from the car for example when his son is there so it's noisy and not exactly intimate). I've explained this so many times. I use 'this is how I feel' sentences rather than 'you do X, Y and Z'. I just wonder if he just doesn't get it. I have said 'I feel like you don't prioritise our time together and it makes me feel really sad' and he says sorry. But then continues to do it.

What can I do now? What can I say now?
Your thoughts are so welcomed.

I'm totally with you, OP. When I'm with my partner, I want us both to focus on each other and the actual world actually happening right now. Not some stream of minor "events" in the online realm. I think you should be more point blank about it- propose you both shut off your phones for example or get up and walk away if he does it again. I think people are deluded if they think you can be on your phone and interacting fully with others at the same time. If he still doesn't get it, then you need to rethink the whole relationship. The LDR thing just intensifies the issues but doesn't change them really.

I know what you mean too OP (although it wasn’t a 3 year relationship and we saw each other more often than twice a month). I think it’s rude and bad mannered and I’m of the mindset that if anything is that urgent/important, the person will call. We split up and this was a big factor in that. It’s the principle – spending time on a phone mindlessly scrolling/commenting was quite clearly more important to him than being in the moment/spending time with me.

For giggles (ie not serious suggestions but..), you could:

• Get up and walk off whenever he picks his phone up and zones you out.
• Throw the bloody phone in the sea on your romantic Friday evening beach view dates.
• Play him at his own game and as soon as he starts talking, pick up your phone and mindlessly scroll through stuff.
• Communicate via text with him, even when he’s sat next to you (I actually did this shortly before I ended it).
• Each time he picks his phone up, snog him (distraction).
• Stop in the middle of sex to check your social media.

Seeing as you’ve already spoken to him about this and he’s acknowledged it but not changed of his own free will, all I can seriously suggest is you ask him to put his phone down, away, on silent, or whatever when you are together. If he has a problem with that then he really is prioritising his cyber-life over his real one. It would be ultimatum time for me if that was the case.

Some good ideas there from @DatingDinosaur.

Otherwise, next time he visits, there’s a special tool for fixing his phone problem.

It's rude.

OP I would feel the same and I say this as someone who is on my phone too much!

But even I have limits, no phones definitely when we are eating and if we are talking about something if my phone goes off then it gets ignored. If it's urgent, people will call. Responding to messages and group chats all evening? Nah fuck that. You do that before bed or when relaxing or watching TV etc.

If you're only seeing each other for a limited time like you have said, it's not unreasonable at all to expect a bit of direct attention.

Where you go from here though, either accept it and just think FFS each time or end the relationship. Not much else you can do is there?

It would drive me absolutely nuts.
You deserve a medal.

Haven’t read the thread OP so I’m sorry if someone has said this or you’ve resolved it but just because your love language is focused attention, doesn’t mean that’s his style.
If its a deal breaker then the relationship won’t work because he doesn’t see it as a problem.
Instead of trying to change someone who isn’t going to fundamentally change you’d be better placed to use that time to find someone who can meet you at your level

My dp doesn't use his phone for anything except speaking to people. He requested that when we're at table eating together, I don't play on my phone either as it's rude. Not Facebook, mumsnet, emails or anything else. I think that's reasonable.

Haven’t read the thread OP so I’m sorry if someone has said this or you’ve resolved it but just because your love language is focused attention, doesn’t mean that’s his style.

"Love languages" are hokum, & personality or 'style' are no excuses for bad manners.

Or for insincere apologies which are all words & no action.
OP has told him time & again that she doesn't like his inability to put his phone down & be present in the real world with her.
He knows damn well she doesn't like it, mouths a giant fib about being sorry, & carries on regardless.

It's simple disrespect.

Some great suggestions here - thanks everyone. Lots to think about. And it's interesting because the only hiccoughs we've ever really had are about times I've thought he is being thoughtless (like when his ex had Covid and he asked me on our precious 48 hour slot to go shopping with him for her.....). So in a way I see this as an extension of that thoughtlessness but perhaps I need to be way more demonstrative about how annoying/irritating/disrespectful/rude I find it. No sugar-coating it. And then if there really is no improvement then that's a big wake-up call for me.

You don't need to be more demonstrative. You've told him. He's heard you. This isn't about how loudly or clearly you say it, or how well you demonstrate it: he knows.

You need to make it clear what you will do if your boundaries keep being crossed.

'I will no longer accept a relationship with someone who puts checking their phone higher on their priority list than listening to me.'

Once you've said that, and made sure he's understood, it's over to him. You don't need to do anything more but wait.

You're not compatibile. That's pretty clear.

In a nutshell.

Unfortunately OP i think it's just his way, his style- maybe he likes having you around but isn't a 'quality time/undivided attention' kind of guy- it wouldn't bother me as I'm not keen on 'intense' (been there and done it and it didn't turn out well) but if it bothers you , then I don't think it will change.

Actually I think it's rather sweet if he's doing shopping for his ex when she had covid. However it would depend on how much of an ex and how often he was helping them out and what the ties were.

I think people's obsession with their phones and the 'life' that is going on virtually is massively to the detriment of being in the present and enjoying the now. I tell my teenager the same. Maybe I'm just a bit old-fashioned I completely agree with you. I've started to leave my phone in another room now in the evenings as I was becoming addicted to it. I want to talk to my husband and focus on what I'm reading/watching instead.

So there’s no truth in what a said about you needing a more full-time relationship then? I think this intense twice a month thing isn’t giving you what you want / need, regardless of the scrolling. The lack of time together seems to be putting too much pressure on every moment being perfect. That sounds exhausting, even without the gazing 😬

It’s not really abiut the phone
it’s about you have said X upsets me
and he doesn’t listen

I’d try one more time
but be prepared for him not listening and or doing it

then what ?

MidLifeResurgence74
the covid shopping for ex isn’t a biggie
as
presumably she cares for his kids ergo needs to eat !

also maybe other things are niggling but you have honed in on this ?
maybe 3 years in you want something different

I agree that having such a short window can be stressful
almost too much pressure for it to be
perfect

This would massively upset me. It's very rude. I'd do this: next time you're in a restaurant / enjoying some time that any normal person would not have their phone out for, and he goes on his phone, I'd get up and walk out. I'd do that a couple of times, and if it doesn't change his behaviour, then nothing will.

You've talked and explained until you're blue in the face. It's time for action. Actions speak louder than words, as they say.

When was the last time you both sat and had a conversation about anything?
What do you do together during the 2 days?

I remember dating someone and I went over to his place for the weekend. I was looking forward to it after a long work week.

We ate dinner and then he got on his computer and started to play some game.
After about an hour, I thought, why am I even here? I didn't come here to watch him play video games all weekend.

I just quietly got my things and let myself out.
He called later to apologise. It didn't matter. I was done.

I cant see that you are actually soulmates if he cant put his phone away for the minuscule amount of time you spend together. Sounds like a rubbish relationship. I'd rather be alone than with someone who finds silly things on their phone more important than enjoying our limited time together.