I've asked you a thousand times....

[MidLifeResurgence74]

...and yet you still persist in mindlessly scrolling through your phone when we're together.

URGH.

Backstory
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We don't live together - in fact we live over 60 miles apart. Due to a combination of work and children (one of each apiece) our time together consists of two nights twice a month. That's a whole 48 hours x 2 a month. It's precious and important time.

The phone issue
The boyfriend uses the phone as entertainment when he's bored. He's in multiple messenger and whatsapp groups to do with his multiple hobbies. He is tied to his phone. I have asked him again and again and again (and explained calmly why) that I find it really rude when he - in the middle of us enjoying our extremely limited time together - finds it necessary to respond to a jokey comment sent by a friend, or mindlessly scroll through every instagram story. He apologises every time. Yet he seems incapable of remembering how annoying I find it and so returns to doing it. He answers texts from his ex-wife within minutes about lost socks or PE kits (those kind of things that are important but hardly time sensitive). When he's not playing his hobby, he's texting his team mates about it, all in-jokes and silly comments - while we are trying, for example, to enjoy the incredible view on our beachside Friday evening chill time.

My feelings
I know that my love language is around undivided attention. Five minutes of one on one time to me is massively precious. Call me when you have time and space and no distractions (he calls me from the car for example when his son is there so it's noisy and not exactly intimate). I've explained this so many times. I use 'this is how I feel' sentences rather than 'you do X, Y and Z'. I just wonder if he just doesn't get it. I have said 'I feel like you don't prioritise our time together and it makes me feel really sad' and he says sorry. But then continues to do it.

What can I do now? What can I say now?
Your thoughts are so welcomed.

I totally agree and time chilling on the sofa is definitely also time for scrolling. It's the interruptions to the other bits that I find so confronting - such as sitting looking out to sea with a pint, or walking in the countryside, or even when I'm driving and we're chatting and then he goes quiet and I realise he's on his phone again. I just don't feel like a priority in those moments, but most of all, I feel like after explaining why it upsets me, he still does it. It's a really bad habit but I'm not sure how many different ways of explaining it to him I can take.

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled

I think it's rude of him, OP. If I'm spending time with someone, especially someone I don't see often, I won't be checking my phone unless I've said "I need to check my phone occasionally as I'm expecting a message from X that I'll need to deal with - please don't think I'm being rude."

I would find it very unrewarding to be pretty much ignored for large chunks of the time.

You've already raised this and he hasn't made any changes. I suppose as a last ditch ultimatum you could ask him to hand over his phone on arrival and not give it back til he leaves, but having to police it like that would make me feel controlling and massively turn me off, so what's the point?

'Soulmates' don't continue to do things that piss each other off. 'Soulmates' don't deliberately disrespect each other's wishes. 'Soulmates' want each other to be happy, not irritated.

Why are you insisting he's your 'soulmate' when he persistently and knowingly gets on your nerves? That's nothing like a 'soulmate' relationship, or even a healthy one.

Healthy partners respect each other's feelings. It's that simple. You're not respecting his wishes either: he's perfectly entitled to look at his phone whenever he wants, but you don't want him like that. You don't want him as he is.

Let go of the fantasy that this is your dream man. Where did you form your idea of what a heavenly relationship was like? You could be much happier than this.

It seems a shame to throw the baby out with the bathwater over this. It's a major irritation which I was hoping others might have had and might have found tactics to overcome. I agree that his seeming inability to hear my perspective on this is making me sad, but I do also see that his right to look at his phone whenever he wants is also perfectly valid. However... some compromise in a relationship is both normal and healthy. Maybe I should ask him what the one thing I do is that drives him mad and see if that helps with the conversation.

It seems a shame to throw the baby out with the bathwater over this.

Where is the relationship going OP? You see him two days a month. How long is that expected to be for? It just doesn't sound very satisfying. And that's even without the phone thing.

I HATE that kind of behaviour. It's just so rude.
I don't think it's U to expect some attention when you see each other only two days a month.
He obviously either can't or won't understand this.

Could you try a no tech rule?

My ex was the same and honestly, he will never change. Good guy, we're still friends, BUT EVEN NOW if we grab dinner or just catch up, he's surgically attached to his phone. If he's not looking at it, it's in his hand. If it's not currently in his hand, he's patting his pocket to check it's still there, and once he's patted his pocket he'll check his iWatch to see if anything has happened on his phone while it's been in his pocket.

It drives me INSANE but luckily is no longer my problem. The only time that I ever had his attention without him answering a call or a text or flicking away on a game (can you just not watch one sodding film with me???) was when I made him leave it on the kitchen table when we went to bed. But even then he had one of the Google alarm clock things on the bedside table. Losing battle.

Anyway, apologies for the rant, but honestly I think you're only option is to put both of your phones into a shoebox and shove them into the wardrobe while you're together.

Just be far more direct with him, at the time. Tell him he's being rude and to put his bloody phone down.

If that doesn't work, ditch the dullard.

@Shodan and @holrosea thank you! Both responses made me laugh.

It seems a shame to throw the baby out with the bathwater over this

Regular, repeated disregarding of your clear, calmly stated wishes is no small thing. It's constant, daily disrespect. Hourly, even. If he cared about how you felt, would he do something that he knew made you feel unpleasant? He continues with this behaviour because he doesn't mind pissing you off. That's not minor.

Maybe I should ask him what the one thing I do is that drives him mad and see if that helps with the conversation

Do you seriously think he's having trouble understanding 'It irritates me when you continually look at your phone during our time together'? Why do you think he'd struggle with that, do you think it's a tricky concept? He hears you and he understands you. The problem is that he doesn't care.

Tell him that you won't stay in a relationship with someone who keeps looking at their phone, because you find it disrespectful. That's what your annoyance is: it's your gut trying to tell you you're being disrespected. Let him decide then, whether to continue with his behaviour, and if he does, leave. It seems like a small issue because it's a very simple, minimal sort of action, getting your phone out and responding to a message. But the very fact it's so small highlights how little he's willing to disrespect you for. He can't even do a small thing like keep his phone in his pocket. Something as small as replying to a joke is more important to him than making you feel valued.

Tell him you won't have it, and let him decide, with his actions, whether the relationship continues. Otherwise you set the stage for your wishes being over ridden willfully in other ways.

It's utterly fair to expect some undivided attention from your partner when you only spend two days a month together. OP doesn't sound needy at all. She sounds like a capable, independent person who lives her life and cares for herself and her child most of the month. It's reasonable to expect your partner to be present and attentive during the short time they have together.

Thank you @Watchkeys from the bottom of my heart. I massively appreciate what you are saying and you have totally got to the reason why I find it so hurtful.

Remember what the feeling feels like, too, OP. There's a strong lesson here for you, if you choose to learn it: the feeling of having your boundaries crossed is a great one to get familiar with, so that, next time when someone does something that makes you feel that way, you can know, within yourself, that you're feeling disrespected.

Think about the relationship you had with your parents; did they listen to you, and respect your wishes? Did they listen to and respect each others' wishes? We usually learn to minimise our feelings (as you've been doing) as kids, when we're being taught that something else is more important, like fighting parents, addict parents, over-busy parents, etc. You'll have learned it somewhere.

How you feel is the only important thing in life. You can have a mansion, and staff serving you cocktails around the pool, but if you feel shit, it's worth nothing. You can be poor and live in a poky little leaky flat, but if you're a happy little bunny, that's fine. And it's the same in relationships: it doesn't matter if he's Mr Perfect. If you feel irritated all the time when you're with him, all his perfection doesn't mean a thing. He needs to be prioritising the relationship feeling good, for you both, and so do you, and that's all you need.

I think rather than undivided attention what you are actually craving is quality time with this man.

I get it, your time is limited together and you want to make the most of it and I can imagine you feel hurt that he does not seem to value this time together in the way you would like him to.

I was also in a LDR for 3 years and we are now together all the time, what I can say from experience is that the small things that may be causing problems now when time together is so limited, will not likely change.

If he is unable to meet your needs 2 days a month despite making them clear to him, chances are he never will be able to long term.

I think you need to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you.

Expressing relationship issues very carefully in terms of your feelings hardly ever works, in my experience. Men often hear 'blah blah blah feelings blah blah', and make automatic apologetic noises, just to make the talking stop.

Have you tried a more direct approach? 'Oi, put the phone down you boring bastard'?

Because apart from being hurtful, this behaviour is just deeply fucking boring, right? Calling his attention to that might make more of an impact that making it sound like the problem is your delicate feelings.

Imagine living with this full-time.

This. What is the point? He sounds immature and dull.

I think it's important to find a partner who understands your communication style, rather than altering your style to suit the man you're with. 'Men don't do x', 'Men have trouble with y' is a poor metric. We don't have to cater for our partner's failings; we are responsible for finding partners who don't fail in the places we need them to succeed.

Unless you think 'If your partner is pissing you off: you need to change yourself' is good advice, then the advice above is poor.

‘In terms of compatibility - there are hundreds of awesome things about him which perfectly match me. I think he's my soul-mate, he thinks the same. But this phone thing is just so annoying!’

There will be hundreds of awesome things about a lot of other men. This one isn’t right for you. Don’t do that thing! Convincing yourself that he’s the only man in the world and that you will change him by complaining.

Move on.

Anyone who put texting about lost socks over time with me would be on the back burner by now

I second this. Again, my ex, lovely guy, but seriously? Does your mum/aunty's/cousin's silly GIF really require a response right now? Is it truly more important that you check your mate's Snapchat than listen to what I am saying? Are you genuinely going to say "hold on a minute" and click on work's training app when I am, by sheer force of will at his point, making come-to-bed eyes?

You deserve so much better and some PP have also pointed out that "put your phone down" is a very small ask. Viewed the other way, it is him saying "I don't really care that you're upset. I am so comfortable and so secure that you're not going to change this set up that I can just ignore your reasonable wishes."

Maybe it feels silly drawing so much from such a "small" thing, but wanting quality time with a partner when you both have limited availability is not a big ask.

@holrosea so much this!

I second this. Again, my ex, lovely guy, but seriously? Does your mum/aunty's/cousin's silly GIF really require a response right now? Is it truly more important that you check your mate's Snapchat than listen to what I am saying? Are you genuinely going to say "hold on a minute" and click on work's training app when I am, by sheer force of will at his point, making come-to-bed eyes?

Maybe because it seems so silly and insignificant previous posters don't realise that it makes me feel silly and insignificant that these things take priority.

I would be more than irritated by this phone addict. Every time he uses his phone when you are having a talk, a walk etc, he is deliberately and directedly disrespecting you and he knows it. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I would give him one last warning and then end it - his lack of respect will undermine your self esteem. You are way better company than a phone and deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Unfortunately it sounds like your BF is addicted to his phone + fomo - fear of missing out. It's probably not actually personal. I know a few people like this and they are such a pita. My strategy is to walk away. Sometimes chatting with colleague and she picks up her phone mid me speaking I stand up and walk away. She normally calls me back and apologises. My DH - I stop mid sentence and leave the room. He usually apologises. So if your BF doesn't respond or apologise after you walk away, he's not worth keeping imo.

There are so many pickmes on here.

It's not unreasonable to expect someone you're in a relationship to give you their full attention, especially when you don't live together and have limited time together.

Raise. your. standards.