I've asked you a thousand times....

[MidLifeResurgence74]

...and yet you still persist in mindlessly scrolling through your phone when we're together.

URGH.

Backstory
I've been with my boyfriend for over three years. We don't live together - in fact we live over 60 miles apart. Due to a combination of work and children (one of each apiece) our time together consists of two nights twice a month. That's a whole 48 hours x 2 a month. It's precious and important time.

The phone issue
The boyfriend uses the phone as entertainment when he's bored. He's in multiple messenger and whatsapp groups to do with his multiple hobbies. He is tied to his phone. I have asked him again and again and again (and explained calmly why) that I find it really rude when he - in the middle of us enjoying our extremely limited time together - finds it necessary to respond to a jokey comment sent by a friend, or mindlessly scroll through every instagram story. He apologises every time. Yet he seems incapable of remembering how annoying I find it and so returns to doing it. He answers texts from his ex-wife within minutes about lost socks or PE kits (those kind of things that are important but hardly time sensitive). When he's not playing his hobby, he's texting his team mates about it, all in-jokes and silly comments - while we are trying, for example, to enjoy the incredible view on our beachside Friday evening chill time.

My feelings
I know that my love language is around undivided attention. Five minutes of one on one time to me is massively precious. Call me when you have time and space and no distractions (he calls me from the car for example when his son is there so it's noisy and not exactly intimate). I've explained this so many times. I use 'this is how I feel' sentences rather than 'you do X, Y and Z'. I just wonder if he just doesn't get it. I have said 'I feel like you don't prioritise our time together and it makes me feel really sad' and he says sorry. But then continues to do it.

What can I do now? What can I say now?
Your thoughts are so welcomed.

OP is the right amount of needy for herself. It doesn't fit this relationship, but she can't be 'too needy', unless there is a correct level of 'needy': There isn't.

OP, your needs will be met without you even noticing in a healthy relationship. That's what defines a healthy relationship, in fact. And one thing that defines an unhealthy relationship is altering your needs to fit your partner's requirements.

You have asked nicely, why don’t you get mad? When he does it say ‘oi mate that is bloody rude, stop it. Turn off notifications or I will put your phone away in my bag’.

then follow through. If he gets massively stroppy dump him.

or stamp on the phone. That would get his attention.

It's been really illuminating reading some of these responses. I'm not needy, I'm not desperate, but I do see that I've let this go on for far too long without some real affirmative action.

Thank you to everyone - even those who paint me as some sort of over-bearing kraken for wanting a little bit of quality time with the man who I love (and yes - definitely quality time rather than my previously articulated 'undivided attention').

“Maybe because it seems so silly and insignificant previous posters don't realise that it makes me feel silly and insignificant that these things take priority”

I think is the crux of it, OP - you want the (limited) time you have together to be special, to feel special - and rightly so. He’s obviously not particularly concerned about that, by the sounds of it - so perhaps this is a mismatch, unfortunately…

Dump this fool.

The problem is that you think this but he doesn't. Just because you would like his attentional of the time you are together doesn't mean he agrees with you. Unless you can come to a compromise that you are both on board with it really won't work.

And the linguistic efficiency medal goes to...!

I would say that, from what you’ve said here that it’s not so much him or the scrolling but it’s that this kind of long distance / occasional relationship is not the right kind of relationship for you.

I don’t even know what my love language is but I clearly wouldn’t be compatible with you because this “precious” intense tine spent gazing at each other sounds exhausting to me 😬

Ha! That made me laugh out loud. Yeah I want to spend every minute gazing into his eyes to the sound of an operetta gently playing in the background. I'm all pink fluffy marshmallow clouds and rose petals me.

Dump.

Move on.

Choose someone who is available and meets your needs next time.

I totally get where you’re coming from OP. One of the lovely things about my ex was that he would put his phone down when I came into the room. He hated the idea that we’d become one of those couples who sat there ignoring each other, so prioritised giving me attention, even if that was watching TV, we did it together, cuddled up or holding hands, not alone next to each other in our separate worlds. We only spent 50\50 together but if it had been even less than that I’d have definitely wanted a bit more attention than it sounds like you’re getting

Oh and we were together 9 years and still managed to sink into that ignorant phone obsession while together. In fact I notice how much quicker my phone goes flat since we split up as I spend a lot more time on it!

Honestly, the majority of responses on here are so frustrating! So many relationship posts talk about ‘raising your bar’ when speaking about finances, etc. but when it comes to romance, apparently you’re a needy lunatic to want it! How dare you want your precious time together to be meaningful, OP?!

I agree that he should prioritise you because you are not together a lot and certainly should make those moments truly count. If he wanted to express this to his groups of people they would totally understand. When I message people I do not expect an immediate reply. If I need someone urgently I phone them or see them in person. He’s prioritised differently and clearly it’s not going to change. It’s up to you if you can put up with it on his terms or not.

Indeed @Banthafodder what a strange person I must be.

This, 100%

@MidLifeResurgence74

'soul mate'.

therrs more than one person for all of us.

In many ways you obviously get on well, however, he doesn't value your time together the way you do.

you can try many things to get him off his phone, but honestly, why bother? You won't feel more loved or more cherished/more valued. It'll just be an empty 'win'

3 years is a while, long enough for him to be sorted whether this is what he wants or not, he's not acting like it is.

but 3 years out of your entire life isn't that long. Don't employ the sunken cost fallacy.

move on, find someone who makes you feel a million dollars, not 50 cents.

But most people are saying 'Leave, and find someone who prioritises you'..?

@Banthafodder that’s so true. It’s like all the posts about ‘second time around’ relationships and the utter bafflement as to why posters cite love and commitment as reasons to want to live with their partners rather than treating it like a business arrangement 🙄

I share your pain op, but I don't have any solutions for you. DP is obsessed with his phone. He gets work stuff on it as well as local stuff but he's on it all the bloody time-first thing in the morning, last thing at night, most of the time in between. It annoys me hugely. I've asked him to stop-he actually can't I don't think. It doesn't do him any good at all. We've agreed that when we go out for a walk which we usually do at weekends for a couple of hours-he will leave it at home. I don't think he will!

When I clicked on this post, I thought it was going to be about a teenager not cleaning their room or something. It seems like it's become a dynamic in your relationship that you ask for something reasonable and you're ignored and disrespected. But somehow you're supposed to continue on as normal, as if he is your child and you can't leave? And you're made to feel like a nagging parent?

The fact that you've asked him repeatedly and he continues the same behaviour tells you how much respect he has for you. I'm sure he would say differently - but actions speak louder than words. How hard is it to switch his phone off for the evening? If he's truly struggling to do that, he could get one of those lockboxes with a timer - and maybe some therapy!

I would just ditch him, OP. I don't see the point of him.

You've spoken very little about what he does when you ask him to stop looking at his phone. You say he 'apologises every time' but it doesn't seem as if he's ever tried to engage with what the issue is. Just says sorry and then goes back to his phone. As others have said, the simple fact is you've explained the reason for your request and articulated why it's important to you. He either doesn't care or isn't listening.

There are loads of things he could suggest as a compromise if he was bothered. Like:

• Do Not Disturb on but with an exception for his child's mother


• 'Digital detox hour' but after that he's free to look at his phone whenever he wants to


• Limited mode on his phone, where he can use it to check the weather or something but can't get sucked into conversations that you're not party to.

It doesn't feel like you're actually trying to get him to come up with solutions. You just say how it makes you feel and he says 'oh okay then' and that's the end of it. Why do you think you don't push it further, to get him to suggest how to resolve the conflict? Is it because it doesn't bother you that much (I think it does) or you're worried about pushing him away? If the latter, how do you think any more serious disagreement will get resolved in the future?

I guess you both have to agree to have some device-free together time.

Arrange for a time when neither of you need to watch out for messages, switch off your phones and do something enjoyable together.

Say cook & eat a meal.

Why "both"?
If you pick up your phone you'll be giving him permission to do so also.

I would hate to be told not to use my phone and would ditch anyone who made an issue of it.

The fact that you're a long time together was only 48 hours twice a month should mean that he is capable of turning the phone off or only reply to emergency calls concerning his children or other family members, or depending on his job, dealing with very important work issues.

However, phone addiction is real and I guess for him to do that it would be too much to go cold turkey and would probably be bad tempered and or anxious.

A big like a child giving up a pacifier, I'm guessing.

Do you really want to be with someone who is not so devoted to you that he can't put his phone down and has no self control or want to get over his addiction/obsession?

Personally I think you can do so much better and find someone who is interested in being with you and engaging with you and not his poxy phone!