Looking for advice from married women: how can I get married too?

[DreamAboutMrs]

I need married women to give me advice because I’m getting to an age where I really want marriage and feel left out from people I know getting married, in stable relationships.

Problems: I’m big. Like really big for my height (size 18 which looks massive on me). I feel like my weight is a big problem for dating and feel like men don’t ask me out mainly because of it. I also feel like I’m boring, as in my personality is boring, I don’t really have any hobbies or special interests to talk about. My personality isn’t particularly fun or bubbly either, I feel I’m quite dull and a bit boring.

I’ve created a glow up plan in an attempt to improve my life (and find a husband) over the next six months:

• I’ve been reading up on fashion and beauty and trying to dress more feminine, wearing bright colours, skirts and dresses, heels etc.


• I have an entire newly developed skincare routine that I complete morning and nighttime. Cleanser, toner, moisturiser and SPF. Cleanser, face mask, retinol and seal moisture at night. Before I used to just wash with water and then go.


• My morning and evening hair care routine is getting better too.


• I’ve been receiving therapy and it’s helped a lot with everything mentally and I’m ready to put myself out there dating wise.


• Most importantly, I’ve (slowly) started losing the weight I gained over the years and hopefully will have lost a decent amount by December.

What else do I need to do? How do I ask men out? Then introduce the topic of marriage without looking desperate? I also I’m not great in the kitchen, I’m on Atkins/Keto + one meal a day so I don’t cook much because of the weight loss. Household chores, cleaning, laundry also are not my thing but it’s something I do because I must - so this could make marriage difficult and it possibly could make me difficult to live with I’m aware. I also think I could get along with in-laws and do family events when necessary. What else do I need to know/do before getting married?

I agree with others, stop focusing on getting married and focus on liking yourself. Join some local groups in the area to find something you like, even if it's something totally random. You might find you love it and you'll meet new people through that.

I feel the same way. I've been in a relationship for 7 years with a complete commitmentphobe. People make fun of the fact that we've been together for so long but it will never progress. Everyone I know in the same age group have settled with multiple kids. I feel like it'll never happen, my mum never married either so I'll probably end the same way. But she's very happy being single. Seeing everyone being able to get into these relationships where they're both committed and happy, wondering why I could never get that and why every man I'm with ends up settling with the next one. It's soul destroying

As PP have said - it’s great that you’re doing the things you’re doing but please just do them for yourself.

You mention that your only friends are workplace friends so it sounds as if you’re rather inexperienced with both friendship and romantic relationships. You’re only in your 20s - there’s plenty of time for you to make friends and meet a man.

But from what you’ve posted, as PP have said, it sounds like a good starting point would be for you to find one or two hobbies you really enjoy doing and/or volunteering. That will give you the chance to meet people and make friends naturally including possibly men.

But please don’t go out there desperate to find a husband. Firstly, if you do, you will put off a lot of men. Secondly (and probably more importantly), it makes you vulnerable to settling for a man who’s not right for you and you are more likely to attract someone exploitative and unkind.

This is where something like ‘The Rules’ mentioned above comes in. A woman needs to be ruthless in the early stages of courtship to eliminate unsuitable men. Angela Duckworth of the ‘No Stupid Questions’ Podcast and author of ‘Grit’ said in her twenties she didn’t so much date as interview potential husbands. I like that idea!
i suppose it just brings us back to working on self esteem and happiness.

Statistically I think married women are less happy and healthy than single women so maybe look for some more single friends to have fun with? Could be a good option.

OP. I’m telling you from experience that losing weight is a game changer but not because of the male attention: because the immense confidence you will get from it.

everything else will fall into place

I was quite ruthless. I lost six stone in seven months and it was an amazing experience

I opened myself up to loads of new experiences, joined all sorts of social groups. People don’t tell you that once you’ve lost the weight you also lose a huge amount of mental baggage and have much more energy because you’re not always fretting about weight etc. Combined with confidence it’s a big win for your self esteem.

I then went online dating and was again quite ruthless. Didn’t bother with anybody who didn’t have a degree a decent job or a solid relationship history. I met my husband who had been married and divorced really quite young. He was handsome and witty in his profile. We met after about three or four messages (important). Having come out of a seven year dead end relationship I wasn’t going to tolerate any substandard men. You need to know your own worth.

but basically as they all say above, it starts with self care.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

and I was a size 18 when I met my husband. When you meet the right person all that stuff won’t matter. Being happy in yourself is key.

I always thought that the most attractive people were those who were happiest in their own skin. I don't think you need a husband yet, you need a friendship group. Find out about local clubs and societies in your area, and pick a couple that seem interesting and give them a try. Don't worry about whether they are aimed at males or females. For instance, making friends with other women at a womens only choir might mean you end up going out for drinks or meals where you meet other people, expand your social life, which will make you happier and therefore more attractive to other people. Then one day, when you least expect it you might meat "the one".

*meet not meat!

How old are you Fuzzy? You've given 7 years to someone who won't give you marriage and a family. The only person in control of letting that continue is you

It sounds as though being married is more important to you than anything else. Wanting to get married usually comes on the back of being in a good, healthy relationship, not as an aim in itself.

If you are desperate to be married, you risk -

• marrying the wrong person because being married makes you blind to someone's faults or the fact you just aren't compatible


• putting prospective good matches off because you're so focussed on marriage and most people want to see how a relationship goes for 2 or 3 years before they commit to marriage (often longer)


• losing out on other great experiences and achievements because you're focussed on one goal


• being disappointed when it happens because marriage doesn't suddenly make you a better person or automatically make you happier (see point one above).

Your new regime is great if it makes you feel better / happier / healthier. So you can have more confidence and enjoy life more. Then I'd encourage you to widen your horizons, maybe take up some new hobbies, widen your friendship group, read some interesting books. Forget your focus on being married. It isn't healthy or productive. It is actually counter-productive.

In time you may well meet someone, but it isn't something you can orchestrate or force. It's more likely to happen when you are happy and enjoying life for enjoyment's sake.

And all your friends getting married - that doesn't mean they've achieved some holy grail. It doesn't mean they are guaranteed happiness.

Well, my skin and hair leave a lot to be desired, my dress sense runs the gamut from dowdy to frumpy, my cooking is perfunctory and my cleaning is more like a lick and a promise. How on earth did I manage to trick a man into marrying me? 😳
Luckily men aren't perfect either and I guess he 'let me off' since he has a few quirks/faults of his own.

Don't worry so much about being perfect to snag a husband. If you enjoy skincare, clothes etc that's cool, but you should be looking for someone who will make you happy, rather than feeling like you are auditioning for the role of 'wifey'.

Don’t try to change who you are to ‘bag’ a husband. You will inevitably end up with entirely the wrong person!

The best advice anyone can give you is to work on making your life the way you want it to be. Make choices about what you want and do what makes you happy. Then, when you meet someone, you are much better able to judge that the relationship will work.

Trying to be someone else and particularly what you think men want to marry will only lead to misery.

People probably think this as it seems very unusual to want to be married and to have a plan like this, as opposed to the more usual route of meeting someone, forming a loving relationship with them, and then deciding as a couple to get married.

It’d be a very rare / strange man who’d not be freaked out by meeting a woman who was straight into talking about getting married.

Please do not glamourise marriage. It’s soul destroying with the wrong man. I realised 10 years into marriage (having known my ex 10 years prior to marriage) what an utter cunt he turned out to be after our child was born.

Yes, it can be the most wonderful thing but you really can’t know a person until living with them. Your priorities need refocusing. Looks aren’t sufficient. In the nicest way possible, I’m an attractive person, but am finding it impossible to find someone. This isn’t because I can’t get dates, but because I’m very clear about what I’m not willing to tolerate from a man.

You're in your 20's?

Christ. I wasn't even thinking about getting married in my 20's. Trust me, those of my friends who all did, are all now divorced (I realised this isn't representative but just saying!)

Get a hobby. Forget about 'finding ' a man. Focus on you.

I'm sure in real life you're not screaming desperation, but really focusing on it this much isn't healthy in the slightest.

Also, my advice would be - don't. (get married that is!)

OP I suggest working with your therapist on your boundaries because it will help you to filter out unsuitable men and not to settle for someone who will expect you to do 95% of the housework, life admin and eventually childcare. You don't have to look far on this board to see the resentment and unhappiness this causes women in the long term.

It sounds like your self esteem is low due to not being happy with your weight and feeling left behind as everyone else embarks on marriage. But you are more than half of a couple or someone's future wife. You are enough. It's time to discover who you really are and what you want in a partner. When you value yourself, you won't settle for the first man who comes along.

Don't discount work friendships - some of mine have outlasted the job by 20 years! It says something very positive about you that you've made friends at work.

Kindly, your “glow up plan” will probably not help you become interesting to potential friends or partners. It sounds rather self-involved and dull.

Find something outside yourself: an interest, a hobby, volunteer work.
Books by Leil Lowndes are a bit cheesy but might give you a few ideas of how to talk to people.

Good luck, and enjoy your 20s!

I like the dead cat advice.

Ignoring the 1950's overtones of the OP, my best advice is find a man you'll enjoy doing the weekly big shop with for the next sixty years.

Quite a lot of women here are talking about getting married in their early thirties. But judging from the lengths of relationships given it aeems that a fair few met their future husbands in their twenties.

The bottom part is me too. I am 31, single no issue getting dates biiiig issue with finding someone who doesn't trigger alarm bells. Better off being single than in the wrong relationship.

I set out my expectations at the beginning when we went exclusive with each other. I made it clear that I was looking for marriage, kids and all that and if he wasn't, we'll have some fun but at some point I'd move on to someone who was prepared to do those things with me.

Women have gotten out the habit of this or feel that it's somehow uncool but really, what's wrong with being clear on what you want? It's efficient!

I pestured him about it in the beginning, made it clear that marriage was to come by year 4 and he agreed. He even said that was too long for him. I was only 17 at the time when we met, but I was certain and I knew what I wanted. Whenever I talk about it now he says what's the rush, he's not ready, all the usual stuff.. I should've left years ago, wouldn't be surprised if he proposed to the next one instantly!

@DreamAboutMrs Here is my advice, it could be totally wrong, but I have a happy marriage so take from it anything that’s you suspect will be helpful for you.
First, it might not feel like it but if you’re in your 20s you have lots of time to meet the right person. I will say, just to be blunt, having deadlines for when to get married etc. is not a good idea, you need to drop it immediately.

Every 20 something has a blueprint of what’s going to happen when and I know it’s painful but you cannot control this really and you could miss opportunities and make yourself crazy by thinking you can control it. I know plenty of people who got together and had kids in their 20s and they don’t regret it exactly but some of them do wish they weren’t in such a hurry. 20s is young, you could live to 100, that’s a long time with someone you “panic bought” aged 29. I know women in their 40s who are still single and are happy. I know women in their 40s who are angry because they thought they’d have it all by now but they don’t, in part because they wasted their time trying to push the wrong people into their life plan, 15 years or more of not getting what you feel entitled to can make you bitter.

Having said all that, it’s good to be proactive, just don’t let it become a goal in your mind- your goal is joy, you don’t know yet what will make you truly happy, but you can learn. I would recommend investing in yourself, not how you look (do this if you want to but know that confidence brings you more than beauty) but spend time figuring out what you enjoy. Do something you really enjoy at least once a day, every day. Knowing what makes you happy means someone else stands a chance of making you happy too. Treat yourself how you want to be treated in a relationship.

Be open-minded when dating, give people a good chance even if there isn’t a spark straight away, or they aren’t the most romantic, but have very high standards of behaviour and respect. Be brave enough to move on if you are treated disrespectfully- the faster you move on, the quicker you will meet someone who is a good match.

(Warning- very Controversial advice ahead)

Don’t ask men out, let them know you’re open to them but don’t put them on the spot. You will waste a lot of time asking people out and it will shake your confidence even if they agree to it.
Don’t try and control the pace of a relationship (unless to slow it down a bit) just let them know what you would like and leave it at that- no forcing the issue
Don’t try to control communication, let them contact you mostly, reply enthusiastically, but don’t fall into a trap of having several weeks or months of casual texting back and forth, lots of people get stuck in these ruts and the will to make a proper relationship fizzles out.
Don’t sleep with anyone before the 4th date at the very earliest (old school but it saves a lot of confusion and heartache in the long run- trust me)

Be kind- that’s a good chunk of what people want in a relationship, always shocks me how few people seem to realise this. You can have it all going on in terms of looks, personality, wealth etc but if you make people feel like they’re not quite good enough they will/should move on. Putting yourself down is another way of making a partner feel not quite good enough btw- so make sure you respect yourself as much as you want them to respect you.

Good luck, and have fun!

@Fuzzyhippo. You know what you need to do. Good luck!