Looking for advice from married women: how can I get married too?

[DreamAboutMrs]

I need married women to give me advice because I’m getting to an age where I really want marriage and feel left out from people I know getting married, in stable relationships.

Problems: I’m big. Like really big for my height (size 18 which looks massive on me). I feel like my weight is a big problem for dating and feel like men don’t ask me out mainly because of it. I also feel like I’m boring, as in my personality is boring, I don’t really have any hobbies or special interests to talk about. My personality isn’t particularly fun or bubbly either, I feel I’m quite dull and a bit boring.

I’ve created a glow up plan in an attempt to improve my life (and find a husband) over the next six months:

• I’ve been reading up on fashion and beauty and trying to dress more feminine, wearing bright colours, skirts and dresses, heels etc.


• I have an entire newly developed skincare routine that I complete morning and nighttime. Cleanser, toner, moisturiser and SPF. Cleanser, face mask, retinol and seal moisture at night. Before I used to just wash with water and then go.


• My morning and evening hair care routine is getting better too.


• I’ve been receiving therapy and it’s helped a lot with everything mentally and I’m ready to put myself out there dating wise.


• Most importantly, I’ve (slowly) started losing the weight I gained over the years and hopefully will have lost a decent amount by December.

What else do I need to do? How do I ask men out? Then introduce the topic of marriage without looking desperate? I also I’m not great in the kitchen, I’m on Atkins/Keto + one meal a day so I don’t cook much because of the weight loss. Household chores, cleaning, laundry also are not my thing but it’s something I do because I must - so this could make marriage difficult and it possibly could make me difficult to live with I’m aware. I also think I could get along with in-laws and do family events when necessary. What else do I need to know/do before getting married?

Not meaning to be unkind to your friends, but about half of them will probably be divorced eventually, going by the statistical divorce rate. I certainly wish I hadn't gotten married, just to end up wasting money on divorce fees later!

So please don't fall into the trap of thinking that marriage is eternal or that it's a happy ending for everyone.

It's perfectly possible to get married later or not get married at all and have a happy and fulfilling life.

I know it's hard when it seems like "everyone" around you is taking certain steps and you feel left out.

Focus on you and on developing your own support network and inner life. What are you interested in?

Umm…if the op is genuine and apart from marriage as a goal in itself being basically nuts (some marriages are a nightmare, few are dreamy all the time and ultimately it is just a piece of paper) you need to flip this completely. Would you read your description of yourself and want to marry you? What is your ‘wish list’ of what you’d like your partner to be? That’s important too! You sound like you don’t know who you are or that you like yourself at all…

I think you need to start by being very clear about what you want in a husband. The way you're going, you're obsessed with making yourself a desirable bride, and in doing so are in danger of overlooking what you want from a man. Literally anyone can find a husband if they give no thought to what they want, as someone will marry everyone, but that's not the same as a good match and happiness.
So, list your essentials and where you would compromise. You can then start to target your chosen demographic through dating sites, going to places you might meet such men and so on.

Honestly, don’t get married because all your friends do. When you rush meeting anybody just to get married, you’ll most likely end up with someone unsuitable and you’ll end up miserable.

You in your 20s, perfect age to explore what you want and who you are.

It’s possible to find love if you’re bigger size, of course! The most important thing is to be confident and know what you want/who you are to find a suitable partner.

I met my husband at work, but all of my friends do online dating, so I suppose that’d be my first port of call if I was single.

But honestly, do NOT rush to marriage. It’s no joke and marrying the wrong person is hell.

I think you should focus on the ‘no hobbies / fun’ point you make.

Not with the express purpose of making yourself more likely to marry, but with the purpose of enjoying yourself and having a happy life.

Is there anything you fancy? Any sports or exercise groups you could take up? Back to running is very popular and easy to access round here. Anything musical or dramatic perhaps that might interest you?

Therapy is good.

Work on your weight if you want to.

The style and fashion stuff -OK if you want to. Most women I know, married or not, don’t care about style, fashion and haircuts.

If you find yourself boring and uninteresting, that’s something to work on. Try some hobbies, at least read and be interested in current affairs and news.

For all your friends to be married in your 20s seems quite unusual. I don’t know anyone who married that young.

Focus on living your best life for you. Try new hobbies, meet people but do it with no expectations of a relationship. If you want to change your appearance then do it for yourself only. Meet as many different people as you can and be happy alone. A relationship will come but not if forced and it will never work if you are not your true self.

Don’t waste your time in shallow, appearance related things. Find some actual hobbies and interests that excite you. With any luck that will lead to some real friendships. Friends sometimes become husbands or introduce you to husbands.

A lasting marriage is going to be built on friendship. You don’t just want to find someone, it’s better to find someone who really suits you. To do that, you need to know who you are.

I think confidence is the nu one attractive trait.

I’m in my late 30s now, married with a child. Your post really struck me as I could have written it in my 20s and I had a similar “work on myself” list so I totally get where you’re coming from.

What worked for me was developing interests that expanded my social circle and helped me meet a lot of new people. I also lost ~50 pounds, coloured my hair and started dressing better and yes it did increase the amount of male attention I got. The relationship that I subsequently got into was with a man who was not right for me but I wanted to marry him as I saw marriage as an achievement at the time, which I suspect you also do from your post. I thought that getting married meant that I’d be loved which was what I really wanted. Thankfully he was quite a commitment -phobe and we didn’t make any lasting commitments for which I’m incredibly thankful.

I met my now husband in my mid thirties and he’s a wonderful man and yes we did marry, but it’s not the marriage that’s the achievement, it’s the relationship that we’ve built. I wish you the best with your glow-up but once you start getting more make attention please don’t rush into marriage for the sake of getting married. Make sure you’re entirely sure it’s a relationship where you feel loved, respected and appreciated before agreeing to marriage.

Oh and you say you are boring, but is that because you are a bland, grey, blob, or is it because you don’t fit in with the party crowd?

Lots of people found me boring in my 20s. I liked things like reading, knitting, board games, and discussing in-depth radio investigation pieces long before podcasts were a thing. When my now husband and I got together, we used to spend lazy Sunday mornings together competing to see who could finish the Killer Sudoku first. I never felt boring and my husband never found me boring.

Do you have any siblings? Are they married? Is it cultural pressure?

Surely this is a wind up 😯

If this isn't a wind up, my advice would be to take up some hobbies. You need to be interested in things to be interesting to other people. Stop focusing on getting married and focus on making friends.

Troll?

I would join a sports club - this would benefit your physical and mental health… and you will meet new people.

You might or might not find a husband and spend the rest of your life with him. You will DEFINITELY spend the rest of your life with yourself, so let yourself be a person you want to be with. Do stuff that makes you feel alive and properly you. If it's a bit weird, even better. Then find other people who like the same stuff you do, or like that you like those things. You might marry one of those people, or they might introduce you to someone who you marry, and if that happens, it's more likely to work out than if you cultivated a perfect wife persona, and if it doesn't happen then you will have a time with people who like and love you.

What do you get excited about or have always wanted to do? Hedgehog rescue? Old churches? Playing with little kids? Wild swimming? Dancing? Make-up? Travel? Computer games? Gardening? Roller skating? Horses? Playing the trombone? Political activism? Crochet? Interior design? Going to the theatre? Making models? Collecting vintage detective stories? Playing backgammon?

Do those things, find other people to do them with or to teach you how to do those things better. You'll stop thinking of yourself as boring and other people who like those things will want to spend time with you, too. And you will have a good time.

If you don’t have any advice to give then why bother? Is it really surprising to see someone who wants to get married in a relationship forum? Really?

Um, why would this be a wind up?
??? I don’t get this

I think this is important. You don't want a Husband to cook and clean for. You want one who will be an equal partner!

Raise your standards and Have fun. And we'll done for taking the steps to look after yourself.

Honestly stop thinking about gett married, start thinking about enjoying yourself and making friends.

Free up some money from your glow up budget for "personal enrichment". Join some clubs, try some hobbies go on some holidays. Maybe some aimed at singles, but mainly just look to have fun and try new things. Try to maintain any friendships you make, so keep in touch with people, be the one who plans a post evening class drink or who puts together a work pub quiz team or whatever.

You don't need to think about meeting men who are marriage material at these events, just meeting new friends. Some of those new friends might have single friends or relatives, or they might invite you out to places where you meet someone you want to get into a relationship with, but that isn't the point, the point is building a fabulous single life so that meeting someone isn't your only focus.

I agree with previous posters who recommend focusing less on "improving" yourself (I'm sure you're just fine, and more than presentable enough) and getting out and developing skills and interests/doing activities/meeting people. For a woman who wishes to find a husband is more likely to succeed if she makes sure she is in the line of sight of plenty of men who would like to be married.

So the glow up plan will be good for your self esteem, but you need to meet people. You say you are boring, with no interests - so get some? Join a club/class - walking, photography, film, WEA, learn a language, local history, volunteer somewhere….. then you’ll have something to talk about and an opportunity to meet people.

I met my DH at a conference…. but we stayed in touch due to a shared interest. I’m definitely not a stunner, and I wasn’t looking for a husband, but we had something in common to keep us talking.

People are asking if it's a wind up because it's common on mumsnet, don't take it personally.

But you might also seem more "real" if you engage with posters asking questions about your interests so we can chat about potential hobbies and activities for you ... I agree with the one who said you are definitely going to be spending the rest of your life with yourself. It's worth putting in the effort to make that enjoyable!

Op I think you need to stop focussing on getting married and just concentrate on being happy with yourself. You speak about yourself very negatively desriving yourself as very boring and havung no interests and you've lots of changes you are trying to make physically because you feel this will get yoy a husband. This sounds like you have quite low self esteem and until you fix that you are going to struggle to find a partner. Ordinary people are not super models and size 18 might be bigger than you want to be but it isn't a reason to not have been meeting anyone.

Keep on with the therapy, it sounds like it is good for you. You are in your 20s, concentrate on exploring who you are and what you like to do. I'm in my 40's and if I could go back and do my 20's again I would be braver and travel, join clubs and groups and not worry so much about what others think of me. It might be that you discover a craft, a sport, collecting something etc. People will find you interesting if you find you interesting.