Looking for advice from married women: how can I get married too?

[DreamAboutMrs]

I need married women to give me advice because I’m getting to an age where I really want marriage and feel left out from people I know getting married, in stable relationships.

Problems: I’m big. Like really big for my height (size 18 which looks massive on me). I feel like my weight is a big problem for dating and feel like men don’t ask me out mainly because of it. I also feel like I’m boring, as in my personality is boring, I don’t really have any hobbies or special interests to talk about. My personality isn’t particularly fun or bubbly either, I feel I’m quite dull and a bit boring.

I’ve created a glow up plan in an attempt to improve my life (and find a husband) over the next six months:

• I’ve been reading up on fashion and beauty and trying to dress more feminine, wearing bright colours, skirts and dresses, heels etc.


• I have an entire newly developed skincare routine that I complete morning and nighttime. Cleanser, toner, moisturiser and SPF. Cleanser, face mask, retinol and seal moisture at night. Before I used to just wash with water and then go.


• My morning and evening hair care routine is getting better too.


• I’ve been receiving therapy and it’s helped a lot with everything mentally and I’m ready to put myself out there dating wise.


• Most importantly, I’ve (slowly) started losing the weight I gained over the years and hopefully will have lost a decent amount by December.

What else do I need to do? How do I ask men out? Then introduce the topic of marriage without looking desperate? I also I’m not great in the kitchen, I’m on Atkins/Keto + one meal a day so I don’t cook much because of the weight loss. Household chores, cleaning, laundry also are not my thing but it’s something I do because I must - so this could make marriage difficult and it possibly could make me difficult to live with I’m aware. I also think I could get along with in-laws and do family events when necessary. What else do I need to know/do before getting married?

Find some hobbies/interests, ideally activity based ones, join a gym, a cycling club, start paddle boarding, hiking, etc. not only will it help with the weight loss, it gives you an interest so stuff to talk about/makes you seem more interesting, chance of making friends as well as possibly a man. You don’t sound very happy and having something you enjoy doing will make you happier.

Find a sociable hobby you enjoy. A club that also does trips away might be good eg. Ballroom Dancing weekends at Butlins.
My father’s only advice was that men go for women who are there so join a club and turn up to everything it does.

I met dh via a climbing club, plus other relationships Before him…..doesn’t have to be climbing.

I would just start trying to meet someone. I did online dating. My main advice would be to be yourself and not try to be someone you’re not to get on with people. You don’t have to be life and soul of the party to find someone. Develop a few interests and read the news to have more things to talk about. Look for kind, genuine people and go slowly.

I’m not sure why you mentioned housework specifically but definitely don’t start tidying up or doing chores to win a man’s favour. That doesn’t bode well for the future!

Most women in reality, OP, would rather not have done in when they're 10-20yrs down the line. The divorce rate is so high for a reason.

Honestly just get a boyfriend and enjoy it. Marriage is a shitshow for most people and really archaic. As soon as they invent another way of avoiding inheritance taxes and improving access to POA provisions then marriage is pretty nul and void.

You are thinking about what you can offer a man...you need to be thinking about what you want in a man. Also, I recommend getting your 'colours done' its when you see a consultant to work out what colours suit you best. It doesn't matter what you wear then as long as its colours which suit your skin tone.
Also - you need to practise self love - describing yourself as boring is not great! What do you like to do? What do you want to share with someone? Even if its I just want to sit down and watching TV with someone - that's fine as I am sure other potential partners would want that too.

Others have said it all already. You should be aiming for a relationship with someone who loves you not just the marriage bit. Why are you so focussed on this? Is it because you want the big white wedding like your friends? That is just one single day of your entire life. It's not all it's cracked up to be, there is always one idiot relative or friend who tries to ruin in, not to mention the horrific cost that would be better spent on house or whatever than a knees up at your expense. Give it 1-2 years and those married friends will probably be telling you how lucky you are if you are free and single then. Why are girls and women still getting the message that being married to a man =jackpot success achieved. What about owning your own home, being independent, excelling in your career or hobby, having an amazing friendship group? You don't necessarily need a man to do these things nor even to have a child these days! What are your reasons to want to be married so strongly? What will it change for you? I truly believe you meet 'the one' when you are at your happiest and most confident as I think that is what the good guys are attracted to, you being you. The shallow ones are attracted to looks only. So what makes you happy and radiate confidence? When do you feel you can be yourself the most? If being thinner makes you feel more confident then do it. But don't do it for any other reason than for you. You are so young, what about travelling instead? You could save up and take a year out to go travelling, take part in a charity expedition. That makes you pretty interesting and gives you a chance to meet people at the same time. I wish I had done this in my twenties instead of settling down too early. Could you do some volunteering? This gives you the warm fuzzy feeling of helping others and gets you out there talking to people and boosting your confidence.

Find a hobby and join a club 😉

You’ll be more likely to attract someone when you are happy and content in yourself, so concentrate on that first. Do things that make you happy.
Then make sure you are doing some things that mean you actually meet men, ie hobbies or on line dating.

Go on dates with the expectation that you are unlikely to actually find the “one” but enjoy the journey and meeting different people. If you go with too many expectations, you are putting too much pressure on the meetings. It’s more likely to happen if you relax and just see what happens. You don’t want to give the desperate vibe or be disappointed when things don’t happen. Expect to meet a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.

I don't think any man would worry about his marriage prospects if he wasn't into household chores or cooking OP and neither should you.

I would actually advise stopping dating entirely and set yourself 6 months to really work on your confidence and improving your own life. Then when you've taken time to work out what makes you happy and feeling good, start dating regularly, avoiding pursuing anything that doesn't feel like a long term potential. Be honest that you're dating with the aim of finding someone you connect with and could see a future with, don't allow people to string you along. Good luck!

Try to make female friends to help you through the sheer hell of dating!

You dont go about "finding a husband" like you do a new car or a new house. I think its sad if you only count your life a success if you are married. Look at making the changes that you want to make, that will make life fun for you. join some new clubs, start some new hobbies, reconnect with lapsed friendships, go out to things that you enjoy. make sure you have virtually no time just sitting at home watching the telly. You are in a comfort rut and you need to take yourself outside of your comfort zone. then you might start dating but for goodness sake do not mention marriage. it is guaranteed to put any potential partner right off.

The majority of men are eventually going to see through that fact you’re putting it all on just to eventfully trap one of them, it’s a really weird mentality to have.

How about focussing on being a whole and complete person yourself, actually go out and do things for fun, dress how you want to dress, get a life and then things will fall into place.

Faking it all until you get someone down the aisle and signing on the dotted line is crazy talk!

What does ‘I don’t really do anything for fun’ mean? Do you get home from work, stare at a wall, then go to bed? If not, then your answer is what you do for fun. Staring at the internet or reading trashy magazines absolutely count.

what opportunities do you give yourself to meet a boyfriend? Do you go anywhere or do anything?

Well I think it's a number game. Just be nice to everybody - women have sons, brothers etc and within reason accept all invitations or dates. Sometimes a man may be a bit shy or nervous but they could be a diamond in the rough. Be interested in people - I mean really interested and not just waiting for your turn to speak. (There are limits to this obviously as it shouldn't resemble a KGB interrogation or be nosey about personal matters.) It would probably help if you got a hobby - not just as a way to meet people but to have something interesting to talk about. Failing that, at least read a newspaper. Do not be so desperate that you ignore red flags. Give men space - if they seem to be retreating you should retreat even more. (In desperate cases I have seen people leave the country.) Don't go on second dates with men who are not possibles - decide what your bottom line is. Would you consider a man with children? Let men call you or text you more than you call or text them.

There is nothing wrong with looking for a husband in your twenties and making plans to improve your chances. I started to feel a bit left out as friends got married. I got married when I was 29 but had a fairly long engagement. I had been going out with my boyfriend for about a year and we just agreed we should get married. I think key characteristics you should look out for in men are those who get on with their mothers (you don't have to like her), who are nice when you're sick and who you can rely on. My personal preference is the manly sort of chap who will bury a dead cat rather than you having to do it. Do not take on a man who is a project. On mumsnet people seem to think they need have relationships for years before a proposal but I think that after a year you have to assess whether or not you think you are wasting your time. You don't have five years each to spend on a variety of different men. Sadly, because I know it's what's inside that is important, I think losing weight is a very good idea and will improve your chances. Don't talk about your diet to men. Or your hatred of housework.
I did ask my husband out but only because some rotter I had been seeing had got married to somebody else on holiday and I was so angry that I was determined not to stay home and brood. I was praying that there was only one person with his first name there but there were two. The receptionist was a good sort about it. I did get to ring the right man but there was a bit of a silence and I could hear him saying "could you talk a bit among yourselves" because he was in the middle of a meeting. We've been married for decades now. Generally I would wait for a man to ask me out though going for coffee is a pretty low risk invitation.

I'd get hold of a copy of a book called "The Rules". I think they have an updated one for online dating. Now people say that their advice is twee and that men and women should communicate openly and freely. I on the other hand think that The Rules approach is much more likely to be effective and some selective reticence while dating is no bad thing.

Find a few interests and social groups, show interest in those you meet, see where it goes. Don't be too singleminded in pursuit of marriage. As long as you are dressed for your body shape and groomed how you look is unlikely to deter anyone. Many couples meet at work too.

DH and I didn't get married until I was 32 and him 31, why spend your 20's looking for a man? Send it going out, seeing the world -and if a man turns up he can slot into that life.
Also, we were together for 6 years before getting married - I was single for 4 years before meeting him too, it was spent getting to know myself, taking up hobbies and learning to love me. 6 months is categorically not enough time to get to know someone enough to decide to spend 70 years with them.

1. Why are you trying to be more feminine? Why are you trying to change who you are?

2. The skincare is a good idea, but for you - not anyone else

3. Why is this the 'most important'? Most importantly, I’ve (slowly) started losing the weight I gained over the years and hopefully will have lost a decent amount by December.

What else do I need to do? How do I ask men out? Then introduce the topic of marriage without looking desperate? you don't bring up marriage without getting to know someone and deciding IF they are right for you, not just looking for someone just to marry.

WHY do you want to get married so badly? what would be wrong with dating and getting to know people?

Household chores, cleaning, laundry also are not my thing but it’s something I do because I must - so this could make marriage difficult - DH is tidier and cleans more than I do, again why do you hold this thought that you must clean and be friendly and force in law relationships? Why are you determined to change?

Are you in Oz and called Muriel?

And if all else fails, try praying to Saint Catherine, patron saint of old maids and spinsters.
Another option, going naked into the forest at the new moon to collect a special herb to place under your pillow might have unforeseen consequences….

Have a think first off what you consider marriage to be. Is it a visible sign via a ring or a wedding that you've socially 'succeeded'? I ask that because before I met my husband, that's what I had in my head. I wasn't thinking about what I wanted out of a marriage with a man, or what HE could bring to my table to enhance my life, all my day dreams were of really becoming part of the gang of smug marrieds. That elusive ring seemed to symbolise that I was loved, accepted in a way I never felt before. I was trying to find something I didn't even know how recognise for myself.

And that need drove me to settle. To settle for men who could never make me happy in a way that marriage is supposed to. Selfish or just thoughtless men, and a nasty fucker or two thrown in for good measure. After the last one, I got therapy. And there was a blinding answer for me - As long as I didn't rate myself very high, nobody else would. So I worked on my self esteem, worked on figuring out what I wanted out of my life, what I imagined my future married home life to be, and by the time I was ready to date again, I was looking at men thinking "well, does he tick MY boxes?" wheras before I was just trying to mould myself into the person who ticked someone else's boxes.

By all means improve yourself for you. And expanding your horizons by trying random hobbies or activities and making a wide circle of friends in the process will undoubtedly help your search for the right person, but it gives you an interest and hobby that is always great and interesting to have.

Why do you

Well I am 31 and single, so not married but - you are coming over like you simply want marriage with the first person you come across - I really don't want to be rude here but I think you should forget everything on the list and just focus on yourself for a bit. Some of your points really don't sound too healthy.

I was single and a similar size to you at your age OP. It isn't your size that's a barrier to meeting men, it's self confidence and belief. Or at least faking it til you make it.

Its great you're taking control, but please do it for yourself. They you'll truly be in a good place to meet a decent guy who values you and who you know treats you well.

I met DH online but you do have to kiss / dodge a lot of toads. We met when I was 29 and were married with DS by 33, twins just before I turned 38.

I had a good healthy set of friends (male and female), hobbies (I did two lots of volunteering), interesting work (a full time one and a part time one), I'd travelled, I had interests. Basically, I had a full life EXCEPT a man.

I was 29 as I said so I made it clear in the first date that I was looking for a serious relationship and would make time for that. He asked me to move in at two months and I made it clear I wouldn't give up my property unless he was serious. We moved in at four months, engaged at 6. I'd made it clear I didn't do long engagements. We married a year and a week later.

Just be clear. Don't stand for blokes messing around. There's nothing wrong in telling a man what you want.

Good luck @DreamAboutMrs