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Original poster

Should I pretend this isn't happening?

81 replies

Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 16:13

I've been happily married for over twenty years. My husband, whom I adore, comes from another county and when we met we had a whirlwind romance and then he relocated to be with me. He is very much integrated into my world . My parents love him and my family helped set him up in business. He had a sometimes difficult life before he met me but we are now well-off, settled, with three happy children and he is enmeshed in our community.
Before we met, my husband had a 15 year turbulent relationship which ended when he cheated on her. We met a few years after their split and he told me that she was his great love, and that he still had feelings for her, but that they couldn't make the relationship work. He said I made him feel loved and he chose to be with me.

I am certain that my husband has not been in contact with his ex since we married, and the internet tells me she has gone on to build her own life. However, recently I found out that he has been messaging her, asking if they can be in touch. She has not responded, but he is persisting and the tone of his emails have an intimacy that makes me uncomfortable ('You mean so much to me,' 'My feelings have not changed'). I don't believe she will answer as his brother told me years ago that she cut him out of her life when we met.
My husband doesn't know I've seen the emails. Part of me thinks that I should just let this blow over. He has nothing to go back to in his home country and everything to loose here. But I feel disrespected. I also feel as if I am second best in his heart.
Any advice on how to handle this situation?

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 10/06/2022 16:24

He is trying to cheat on you. I couldn't ignore that. I would photograph the emails as evidence in case he denies and deletes.

In his idiotic fantasy, you are second best. His family is second best. He was already a cheat when you met him and he has remained a cheat. Could you honestly ignore this?

totallyoutnumbered · 10/06/2022 16:26

There's no way I could ignore that or stay married to him

Maisa45 · 10/06/2022 16:26

Why were you checking his emails?

Obviously you're going to have to confront him but it's not great that you checked his emails.

Personally I couldn't move past the things he has said to her and it would be the end for me.

Itstimetoquit · 10/06/2022 16:30

I think you need to bring it up,if she responded he would be gone!

Didimum · 10/06/2022 16:33

He's trying to cheat on you and he is creepy AF sending harassing emails. Why would you stay with a person like that?

Original poster
Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 16:33

The email was on his open laptop. Once I saw one, I did look to see if there were more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 16:45

I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation. They just sat it out and waited, and eventually got through together to old age. Perhaps I'll suggest counselling.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 10/06/2022 16:48

You have to tell him that you know he's trying to cheat on you.

Of course he will then deny that and make up lies but at least you know what he's really like now.

So you can decide to put up with it or leave if he doesn't make the effort to be honest and work on his relationship with you

GordonBennetttt · 10/06/2022 16:55

It sounds like you'd rather pretend it wasn't happening?
What he's doing isn't ok, he's already crossed a line. The trust would be broken for me.
He'll deny it if you confront him, even if you have proof of the emails, he will likely minimise what he's doing.

girlmom21 · 10/06/2022 16:58

It's not to blow over. They were together 15 years, then a few years past and he met and married you, but hes still not over her. If it ever was going to blow over, it would have.

WonderingWanda · 10/06/2022 17:00

I'm not sure op. I don't think I could have married someone who told me that another woman was their 'great love' in the first place. It seems like you've always been second fiddle to this woman. Although he isn't technically cheating as she is sensibly ignoring him you are right that it is a betrayal. I couldn't move past that. Can you?

ElenaSt · 10/06/2022 17:01

You and your family have welcomed him with opened arms and gave him love and support.

He all along has sneered behind your back and longed for another that he couldn't have.

You are worthy of being more than second fiddle and his deceit show that he has a complete lack of character and I personally would despise such a man.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/06/2022 17:02

Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 16:45

I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation. They just sat it out and waited, and eventually got through together to old age. Perhaps I'll suggest counselling.

How will counselling change the fact of the messages he has sent though?
Do you think you are looking for ways to rationalise or talk this away, so you can avoid the pain of it?

Horrible thing to discover OP - so sorry this is happening to you Flowers

ClinicallyProven · 10/06/2022 17:02

Gosh that's deep and tragic. He told you he still loved her and that he's a cheat, but you still married ?

I don't think it can be ignored, but you need to decide what you want. Challenging him, making him promise not to do it again etc isn't going to change anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2022 17:03

Hell would freeze over before I just sat on my arse waiting for it to "blow over." Based on what your husband wrote, this is never just going to blow over.

I would be having the mother of all confrontations. How dare he do this? He has just dropped a hand grenade into your life and marriage, and I'm wondering if he wanted you to see that email. The horrible fucker.

me4real · 10/06/2022 17:05

I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation. They just sat it out and waited, and eventually got through together to old age.

@Notfancyfree They partly did that because it was harder for them to leave and it was frowned on no matter how awful their husbands were.

Nowadays hardly anyone things someone should stay in an unpleasant marriage. No one would blame you for separating from him, given what he's been doing.

Original poster
Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 17:05

In his defence, he has always been open about his feelings for this woman and while I believe he hasn't been in contact with her before I do know he has searched for her on Google, and when we've visited his home he has seemed sad and asked questions of their old friends about her. But he's always told me that it's me that has given him this life and this love and I don't in my heart believe he'd ever choose to go back (or that she'd have him).
Maybe you're right and I'm trying to minimise. We have such a great life I can't believe he'd want to blow it up. I wonder if it's my fault as so much of his life here is dependent on me. Maybe it makes him feel resentful? I think it must be a mid life crisis. Maybe I have to confront him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/06/2022 17:06

I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation.

You really want to emulate your grandmother's generation? A generation full of abused, disregarded women who were trapped in shit marriages with no way out.

TiddyTidTwo · 10/06/2022 17:06

I'm so sorry OP.

If I were in your situation, his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

Easier said than done, I know.

ClinicallyProven · 10/06/2022 17:07

You've done a lot of snooping OP. That's not usual for someone who trusts their DH, I think you've always known/ felt insecure on some level. That's no way to live

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/06/2022 17:09

He left his email open for you to see?

He is sabotaging himself. You need to take great care of yourself.

EVHead · 10/06/2022 17:10

They just sat it out and waited.

Because they had no choice. No financial independence, the certainty that they’d be social outcasts …

What a miserable half life you’d be resigning yourself to. Find your self esteem and your anger.

Ducks in a row time.

me4real · 10/06/2022 17:11

I don't in my heart believe he'd ever choose to go back

That's exactly what he's asking her for OP.

We have such a great life I can't believe he'd want to blow it up.

It's a lie though @Notfancyfree . At least in as much as he's not in love with you in the same way he still feels for this woman.

I wonder if it's my fault as so much of his life here is dependent on me. Maybe it makes him feel resentful?

Of course it's not your fault. And if he wanted to make more of his life he could do that.

I think it must be a mid life crisis.

He's been into her all along. And even if it's a MLC that doesn't make it ok.

ClinicallyProven · 10/06/2022 17:15

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/06/2022 17:09

He left his email open for you to see?

He is sabotaging himself. You need to take great care of yourself.

Did he also leave his Google search history and all the multiple messages open?

Bumpsadaisie · 10/06/2022 17:17

The problem is that you know something going on, don't you.

You can't unknow it. So you would do best to face it.

One outcome of facing it might be that you do survive and stay together. But I don't think there is any hope of doing that in any kind of healthy way by burying your head in the sand.

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