Page 3 | Should I pretend this isn't happening?

Notfancyfree · 2022-06-10T15:13:39+00:00

I've been happily married for over twenty years. My husband, whom I adore, comes from another county and when we met we had a whirlwind romance and then he relocated to be with me. He is very much integrated into my world . My parents love him and my family helped set him up in business. He had a sometimes difficult life before he met me but we are now well-off, settled, with three happy children and he is enmeshed in our community. Before we met, my husband had a 15 year turbulent relationship which ended when he cheated on her. We met a few years after their split and he told me that she was his great love, and that he still had feelings for her, but that they couldn't make the relationship work. He said I made him feel loved and he chose to be with me. I am certain that my husband has not been in contact with his ex since we married, and the internet tells me she has gone on to build her own life. However, recently I found out that he has been messaging her, asking if they can be in touch. She has not responded, but he is persisting and the tone of his emails have an intimacy that makes me uncomfortable ('You mean so much to me,' 'My feelings have not changed'). I don't believe she will answer as his brother told me years ago that she cut him out of her life when we met. My husband doesn't know I've seen the emails. Part of me thinks that I should just let this blow over. He has nothing to go back to in his home country and everything to loose here. But I feel disrespected. I also feel as if I am second best in his heart. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

IheartJKRowling · 10/06/2022 19:30

Notfancyfree · 10/06/2022 16:45

I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation. They just sat it out and waited, and eventually got through together to old age. Perhaps I'll suggest counselling.

Our grandmother's generation had to be pragmatic about domestic violence, giving birth with no pain relief and their children dying from Diphtheria but thankfully we have moved on and no longer have to accept crap from and being abused by, men.

I couldn't stay with someone who thought I was second best and was actively trying to pursue a relationship with another woman. He has zero respect for you.

WizardOfAus · 10/06/2022 19:34

If he loved her so much, why the fuck did he cheat on her?

Labpictures · 10/06/2022 19:37

Why do you want to be someone’s second?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/06/2022 19:39

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 10/06/2022 17:30

So considering everything you've said, in all honesty, I don't think I'd throw away 20years and a life together for a few nostalgic emails.

They didn't work then and they wouldn't work now. He's being a silly fool.

You NEED to talk to him about it. He needs to know he can't do that for everyone's sake and that you're worthy of more. He needs to feel the risk of losing you to get his head together. He's risking everything for a silly fantasy. He needs to wake up.

BUT I wouldn't leave him. Because, this won't end in an affair. And he isn't after just anyone, he's hooked on the idea of his ex which won't amount to anything.

Yes you can leave but then what? Awkward family get togethers. A lot of heartbreak. Trying to find another partner you love as much. Etc etc. The single life isn't easy and there's every chance youll wish this relationship would have worked.

Pragmatism is important in life.

He's fucked up and needs to own it. But it doesn't have to mean the end of your family

I agree. He sounds like a silly middle-aged man fantasising about an alternative life. I'd have it out with him and tell him this is disrespectful, that you're together now and as he chose to marry you, he should be protecting your marriage and his wife's feelings. How does he treat you generally? Are you happy in the relationship? If so then no, I definitely wouldn't throw it away because my ego took a knock. But I think the shock of you confronting him over this and telling him you won't be treated as second best could make him wake up and grow up.

Katya213 · 10/06/2022 19:45

Blow over? I'd be getting a divorce!!

me4real · 10/06/2022 20:00

I definitely wouldn't throw it away because my ego took a knock

I don't think it's anything to do with OP's (or any other woman whose husband's been unfaithful's) ego taking a knock. It's emotional infidelity and desire for full-on infidelity.

5128gap · 10/06/2022 20:01

Your H is with you because you love him, not because he loves you. Add to that the significant practical, lifestyle and financial benefits he gets from the marriage and its clear why it works for him. But even given all that, he's still prepared to risk it for someone else.
You know all this, it's there in your post, and most people would not be satisfied with it, so either you have issues with your sense of self worth, or there are other compelling reasons why you tolerate the situation.
If its the latter, all you can do is balance those reasons against the pain of knowing your feelings aren't reciprocated, and the insecurity of knowing that if this woman (or possibly another woman) ever wanted him you would lose him.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 10/06/2022 20:02

You must be one of those women who are so desperate to be in a relationship that they'll settle for any shit .

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 10/06/2022 20:04

WizardOfAus · 10/06/2022 19:34

If he loved her so much, why the fuck did he cheat on her?

I have the same question…..

layladomino · 10/06/2022 20:10

This would be the end for me. He called this woman the love of his life. It's 15 years ago and he's still thinking of her in romantic terms. He's pursuing her in the hope she will restart their relationship in some way (and I'm pretty sure he isn't after a platonic penpal).

He is in love with her still, or at least the idea of her. He is trying to cheat on you. He is keeping things from you. If she responded favourably he would right now be in the midst of an EA. He is showing zero respect or loyalty to you, his wife.

I couldn't ever get over the feeling that I was second best and he'd be with someone else if he had the chance. You deserve better. And the fact you're questionning whether this might in some way be your fault is really, really worrying. He's done a number on you.

BreadInCaptivity · 10/06/2022 20:15

5128gap · 10/06/2022 20:01

Your H is with you because you love him, not because he loves you. Add to that the significant practical, lifestyle and financial benefits he gets from the marriage and its clear why it works for him. But even given all that, he's still prepared to risk it for someone else.
You know all this, it's there in your post, and most people would not be satisfied with it, so either you have issues with your sense of self worth, or there are other compelling reasons why you tolerate the situation.
If its the latter, all you can do is balance those reasons against the pain of knowing your feelings aren't reciprocated, and the insecurity of knowing that if this woman (or possibly another woman) ever wanted him you would lose him.

👏👏👏👏

MindYourHeadDoggy · 10/06/2022 21:19

Sadly, when you marry a cheater, you’re destined for a life of this.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2022 21:27

This is another of those threads where some craven woman attracts a whole bunch of people trying to make her see sense, isn’t it ?

Malibu19880 · 10/06/2022 21:57

5128gap · 10/06/2022 20:01

Your H is with you because you love him, not because he loves you. Add to that the significant practical, lifestyle and financial benefits he gets from the marriage and its clear why it works for him. But even given all that, he's still prepared to risk it for someone else.
You know all this, it's there in your post, and most people would not be satisfied with it, so either you have issues with your sense of self worth, or there are other compelling reasons why you tolerate the situation.
If its the latter, all you can do is balance those reasons against the pain of knowing your feelings aren't reciprocated, and the insecurity of knowing that if this woman (or possibly another woman) ever wanted him you would lose him.

👆🏻 Really read this one OP.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you but you shouldn’t put up with this. You deserve to be with someone who loves you wholeheartedly and doesn’t spend his time pining over a lost love.

biscuiteer · 10/06/2022 23:55

AnyFucker · 10/06/2022 21:27

This is another of those threads where some craven woman attracts a whole bunch of people trying to make her see sense, isn’t it ?

Is craven the opposite of random brassy woman?

Butterfly44 · 11/06/2022 10:31

He's chancing and hoping she'll respond. She won't. But if he's thinking of her and dare say, fantasising over what could be, then he needs a big wake up call.
As you say it's disrespecting you. How would he feel if you'd done the same

Original poster

Notfancyfree · 12/06/2022 08:11

5128gap · 10/06/2022 20:01

Your H is with you because you love him, not because he loves you. Add to that the significant practical, lifestyle and financial benefits he gets from the marriage and its clear why it works for him. But even given all that, he's still prepared to risk it for someone else.
You know all this, it's there in your post, and most people would not be satisfied with it, so either you have issues with your sense of self worth, or there are other compelling reasons why you tolerate the situation.
If its the latter, all you can do is balance those reasons against the pain of knowing your feelings aren't reciprocated, and the insecurity of knowing that if this woman (or possibly another woman) ever wanted him you would lose him.

I've give your reply a lot of thought. My husband has weaknesses, of which I am aware. I love him despite these weaknesses. He is emotionally vulnerable and I think he resents me deep down for giving him access to those things in life he always craved like stability and wealth. I think he does not really love this woman but has used the fantasy over the years to keep me 'in my place'. I believe that the reality is that he loves me even if he is blindsided by fantasy. I don't feel threatened by his former girlfriend (although I do agree with others that there is a worry he will stray with someone new if she does not make herself available). I can hold my own against her. I do feel disrespected and I think it is time my husband grew up. I will confront him about this and insist on counselling. I've pandered to him long enough. I aim to stay with him though. Our life and love is real. His fantasy is not.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 12/06/2022 09:00

He is emotionally vulnerable and I think he resents me deep down for giving him access to those things in life he always craved like stability and wealth. I think he does not really love this woman but has used the fantasy over the years to keep me 'in my place

That isn't love, op

You cannot love someone and continually disrespect them. Love is a verb, it isn't just a theoretical notion.

You cannot make him change his feelings with counselling.

I hope YOU go for counseling.

Good luck OP

5128gap · 12/06/2022 09:57

Notfancyfree · 12/06/2022 08:11

I've give your reply a lot of thought. My husband has weaknesses, of which I am aware. I love him despite these weaknesses. He is emotionally vulnerable and I think he resents me deep down for giving him access to those things in life he always craved like stability and wealth. I think he does not really love this woman but has used the fantasy over the years to keep me 'in my place'. I believe that the reality is that he loves me even if he is blindsided by fantasy. I don't feel threatened by his former girlfriend (although I do agree with others that there is a worry he will stray with someone new if she does not make herself available). I can hold my own against her. I do feel disrespected and I think it is time my husband grew up. I will confront him about this and insist on counselling. I've pandered to him long enough. I aim to stay with him though. Our life and love is real. His fantasy is not.

Show quote history

This woman is only unimportant because she is not interested in your husband. You are 'holding your own' only at her gift. Perhaps his lifestyle is sufficient pull to keep him from leaving you, but there is a continuem from leaving to commitment and faithfulness, and he would step off at some point if she were willing. However as she's not, that threat has been batted away, and you're probably safe until the next one.
I think the biggest risk to you is what this woman symbolises. A man who despite all you have done for him, is still looking over your shoulder for something else. Material benefits may keep someone beside you but it's a very fragile tether, easily broken if the person finds benefits of equal value elsewhere, reassesses their priorities or gains independence.
From your posts, it's clear you have a tremendous amount to offer. You have the option of taking that somewhere it would be appreciated and returned, or focusing it on yourself and your family. But whatever you do, i think you should spend some time in practical and emotional preparation for a time when either he leaves or does something you can't tolerate.
If you don't have one, build a life and network outside of him. It will help tremendously if this follows the trajectory that seems likely.

queenMab99 · 12/06/2022 10:44

My second husband had been in a previous relationship with someone I always believed was the love of his life, she cheated on him and married someone else, who had more status, for want of a better word. They weren't married and he always said that his relationship with her would not have worked, as they wanted different things from life. I admit I felt a bit of jealousy, about her as I know how he felt , and we socialised in a group which she and her husband were in. I never felt jealous of his first wife.
We were married for over 20 years, until he died. I know I made him happy, and he made me happy, he worked hard, and worked on our home and garden. Kahil Gibran says 'work is love made visible'.
I would talk to him about it, he may have a sort of romantic longing for her, which he knows is not realistic, and would never actually commit to.

Original poster

Notfancyfree · 12/06/2022 13:41

5128gap · 12/06/2022 09:57

This woman is only unimportant because she is not interested in your husband. You are 'holding your own' only at her gift. Perhaps his lifestyle is sufficient pull to keep him from leaving you, but there is a continuem from leaving to commitment and faithfulness, and he would step off at some point if she were willing. However as she's not, that threat has been batted away, and you're probably safe until the next one.
I think the biggest risk to you is what this woman symbolises. A man who despite all you have done for him, is still looking over your shoulder for something else. Material benefits may keep someone beside you but it's a very fragile tether, easily broken if the person finds benefits of equal value elsewhere, reassesses their priorities or gains independence.
From your posts, it's clear you have a tremendous amount to offer. You have the option of taking that somewhere it would be appreciated and returned, or focusing it on yourself and your family. But whatever you do, i think you should spend some time in practical and emotional preparation for a time when either he leaves or does something you can't tolerate.
If you don't have one, build a life and network outside of him. It will help tremendously if this follows the trajectory that seems likely.

Show quote history

you are very emotionally articulate. Is it your job?

OP posts:

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 12/06/2022 14:33

Counselling is a great idea @5128gap . Counselling for YOURSELF.

Counselling to help you decide exactly what you are or aren’t ready to accept in your marriage.
Counselling to help you prepare for separation of that happens (or is it WHEN it will happen?).

Not counselling to try and make it work at all cost iyswim

LooseGoose22 · 12/06/2022 14:50

He's a flaky bastard isn't he .... cheats on the supposed love of his life, marries someone else, but still trying to reel her in years later.

I think he wants her cause shdxwouldvt take his shit, stay with him, get back with him etc and moved on. He doesnt like that.

Maybe you shpuld emulate that and he'll be chasing you instead of her.

He's still not worth having though.

You're convinced he loves you in spite of his behaviour, anf admitting you set him up financially in life ... I gave my doubts. I have my doubts he loves anyone but himself.

And your still upper lip, suffering servant, martyer, grand mother routine is ....... wise up. Plenty of them had shit lives. Most slaves "accepted" slavery too.

LooseGoose22 · 12/06/2022 14:53

It's also possible he could encounter a new "love" (since old love isn't biting).

And walk off with 50% of assets which possibly originated with you and your family.

Perhaps you should think that through and take legal advice.

Somewhereinfragglerock · 12/06/2022 14:56

And how would counselling stop his overwhelming feelings for his ex or undo the complete disrespect he has shown for you, his marriage and family? The only reason he hasn't physically cheated with her is because she's ignoring him. But given the opportunity clearly he would without a second thought.