Should I pretend this isn't happening?

[Notfancyfree]

I've been happily married for over twenty years. My husband, whom I adore, comes from another county and when we met we had a whirlwind romance and then he relocated to be with me. He is very much integrated into my world . My parents love him and my family helped set him up in business. He had a sometimes difficult life before he met me but we are now well-off, settled, with three happy children and he is enmeshed in our community.
Before we met, my husband had a 15 year turbulent relationship which ended when he cheated on her. We met a few years after their split and he told me that she was his great love, and that he still had feelings for her, but that they couldn't make the relationship work. He said I made him feel loved and he chose to be with me.

I am certain that my husband has not been in contact with his ex since we married, and the internet tells me she has gone on to build her own life. However, recently I found out that he has been messaging her, asking if they can be in touch. She has not responded, but he is persisting and the tone of his emails have an intimacy that makes me uncomfortable ('You mean so much to me,' 'My feelings have not changed'). I don't believe she will answer as his brother told me years ago that she cut him out of her life when we met.
My husband doesn't know I've seen the emails. Part of me thinks that I should just let this blow over. He has nothing to go back to in his home country and everything to loose here. But I feel disrespected. I also feel as if I am second best in his heart.
Any advice on how to handle this situation?

I suppose you have two choices, OP.

You can't unsee what you have seen, so either you keep quiet and risk it eating away at you from the inside, or you talk to him.

You've experienced a betrayal that is hurtful. At the least he's made an impulsive and selfish mistake and hopefully he'll realise that he runs the risk of losing you and blowing up his life.

Bringing it out into the open gives him a chance to make amends and rebuild your trust, however you run the risk that he will not react the way you want, and you may have to face up to that.

This situation reminds me most people will reach a crossroads in life when they are forced to choose which values are more important to them. Thinking about how you'll feel on your deathbed is a great exercise. Which do you think you would regret more - not sticking out a marriage with a person you were a bit unsure about, or not living an authentic life?

"But I feel disrespected. I also feel as if I am second best in his heart.
Any advice on how to handle this situation?"
For starters, you feel disrespected because you ARE disrespected. And you need to get angry about that.

"We have such a great life I can't believe he'd want to blow it up. I wonder if it's my fault as so much of his life here is dependent on me. Maybe it makes him feel resentful? I think it must be a mid life crisis. Maybe I have to confront him."
He acts like a shit and you blame - yourself? I am wondering now about your marriage because you seem so passive and with no sense of self-worth I have to suspect he's had a hand in killing your self-esteem. Give yourself a shake, woman! You are not responsible for this, he is. And you don't have to 'confront' him, you have to TALK. Discuss. Question. And you absolutely HAVE to put up with zero avoiding the subject, zero deflection, zero denials and zero sulking. He is in the wrong, and he needs to take responsibility for that.

"I am trying to be pragmatic, like my grandmothers generation. They just sat it out and waited, and eventually got through together to old age. Perhaps I'll suggest counselling."
Were they pragmatic? Or were they captives in their bad marriages, unable to escape because the law said everything belonged to the husband (including the children) and the law said she would only earn half a man's wages for the same work, and society said she was an outcast if she left her husband. I have a name for that, and it's not pragmatism. Never model yourself on our disrespected grandmothers.

So considering everything you've said, in all honesty, I don't think I'd throw away 20years and a life together for a few nostalgic emails.

They didn't work then and they wouldn't work now. He's being a silly fool.

You NEED to talk to him about it. He needs to know he can't do that for everyone's sake and that you're worthy of more. He needs to feel the risk of losing you to get his head together. He's risking everything for a silly fantasy. He needs to wake up.

BUT I wouldn't leave him. Because, this won't end in an affair. And he isn't after just anyone, he's hooked on the idea of his ex which won't amount to anything.

Yes you can leave but then what? Awkward family get togethers. A lot of heartbreak. Trying to find another partner you love as much. Etc etc. The single life isn't easy and there's every chance youll wish this relationship would have worked.

Pragmatism is important in life.

He's fucked up and needs to own it. But it doesn't have to mean the end of your family

In his defence, he has always been open about his feelings for this woman and while I believe he hasn't been in contact with her before I do know he has searched for her on Google, and when we've visited his home he has seemed sad and asked questions of their old friends about her. But he's always told me that it's me that has given him this life and this love and I don't in my heart believe he'd ever choose to go back (or that she'd have him)

THAT'S NOT BEING HONORABLE!!!

The fact that he has told you, and has been 'open' means that if he does wear her down, he can justify it by 'being open and honest'. It also means that you will feel you can't get mad because he was ' open and honest'.

He was testing boundaries with you while keeping his feelings for her alive. He's not a good man.

I'm going to be honest. I see this ex girlfriend as a fantasy. Nonetheless, I don't like being made to feel second best, even if he says that I'm not. I feel he holds her over me (or at least the fantasy of her) to minimise my power over him. I've always put up with it because I love him, accept his weaknesses and believe that the fantasy of their great love is a lie.

Denial is a great place to live...

He tried to cheat, which means he's not choosing you

Phew!

This is where I'm heading. Thank you.

I didn't do the quote. This is where I'm heading

I'm not with the 'don't snoop' brigade I'm afraid- I am now60 and several of my friends only found out they were being made total mugs of by snooping when stuff didn't feel right or stuff 'popped up' - they didnt go snooping just for the fun of it- they did it because something was off and they felt threatened. If my H went through my phone because I had tinder pop up or texts with hearts on from men he had never heard of etc- or Similar , I wouldn't blame him one bit for snooping. If you have a long term and supposedly monogamous relationship with intertwined finances, homes, kids etc - you have every right to know if something is threatening that in my opinion.

I agree with this

She is a fantasy you are right.

But him behaving like this will gradually destroy your marriage. Not least because once he gets his wandering eye in, it may alight on someone he can have. He has cheated before.

You need to confront him, and likely have some counselling during which he needs to realise if he doesn’t start acting like an adult, he will loose his family.

I am all for pragmatism, but what is driving your minimalism is fear - if you make your needs small enough, nothing bad will happen. It won’t work like that - desk with it, and there is a decent chance you can fix it.

Do keep an eye on him going forward, and make sure you are in a financially decent position shd he leave or you decide to end it. Pragmatism also means planing for the worst.

Personally I’d rather be single for the remainder of my life than in a relationship with someone who was openly in love with someone else.

He's disrespecting you and also harassing another woman who clearly wants nothing to do with him.

That's not something I could turn a blind eye to and hope it passes.

I'm also skeptical this is a "foolish" mid life crisis given you've described how he has brought up his feelings towards this woman throughout your relationship. I interpret that as a passive aggressive way of saying "know your place - you're lucky to have me".

Personally I'd see this discovery as a catalyst for change.

Though I'd already have his bags packed I appreciate people have complex lives/emotions and that's not an option you are ready to contemplate yet.

I would however urge you to go to counselling as a couple but also you by yourself. I think you need to unpack his behaviour over the years and stop tolerating it. Get yourself some better boundaries and make it clear he needs to respect those.

BUT I wouldn't leave him. Because, this won't end in an affair.

Only because she wasn't up for it.

Being single is great BTW, especially when compared to being with someone like this.

She is a fantasy, rose tinted glasses and all that - but you can bet your bottom dollar that if it wasn't just a fantasy and she showed an interest he'd be messaging her more and more and then he'd want to take it further. Sorry he's done this to you OP it's really shitty after 20 years.

The problem I have with this advice is that it's not just a few silly nostalgic emails.

He's spent the entire relationship holding this "big love" over the OP's head like the sword of Damocles.

Googling her, asking friends about her, being sad in their home town - years and years of keeping tabs on a woman who wants nothing to do with him whilst simultaneously demonstrating to his wife that's she's second fiddle.

The only reason this won't develop into an affair is not a lack of Will or effort on his part.

I would not have lived the last 20 years like this, but even if I had, I sure as hell wouldn't spend the next 20 married to a man chasing a fantasy at my expense.

The OP can try and minimise this if she wants but that's a really sad outcome that suggests her self worth and self esteem is not what it should be - perhaps eroded by years of being told she's second best...

As I said in my pp this needs to be a catalyst for change.

He needs to understand that he has a choice to make and pack in this totally inappropriate behaviour or his wife will pack his bags.

He isn't in love though. He cheated on his ex. He decided to pursue OP instead of his ex 20 years ago.

He doesn't even know her now. After 20 years and different cultures, they're probably world's apart in personality now too.

He loves that time of his life. The carefree days. The relationship without commitments, just sex, fun and friends. He's not in a marriage with kids, financial commitments, boring stuff.

Class fantasy and escapism.

Being single isn't easy. Let's not downplay just how hard it is to be single, especially when older.

If he had slept around, definitely end it. But he's just feeling nostalgic and, like I said before, he's being a fool. He probably thinks OP will never find out and he can have his life and a bit of flirt on the side.

They've got issues to sort out, but it doesn't have to be the end.

OP - is he constantly googling her? Or a one off?

I still occasionally Google my ex from 20 years ago. I still sometimes wonder what would have been. Not because I'm in love with him, but because life was a hell of a lot easier then than now. It's just nostalgia.

In 20 years he's Google'd her a few times and asked after her a few times. That's hardly crime of the century and doesn't mean he's been longing after her all this time.

Yes, he holds a flame for her, but he's an idiot as it would never work. It didn't.

I'm not saying don't address it with the husband and insist it all stops. I'm just saying that it doesn't need to be the end.

You may like being single. I know lots of people who find it extremely hard.

Also, yes, likelihood is may have developed if she had responded. But she didn't!

You can't go off what ifs. Otherwise lots of us would have been tempted at times.

It's not just the googling though is it?

If you look at her posts there's been ongoing issues over 20 years of marriage.

One thing in isolation isn't awful, but there's a long-standing pattern of behaviour here - and this are just the things the OP knows about - god knows what he's doing in private.

Like hell would I keep my mouth shut over this.
Your husband is pestering the woman he thinks of as his One True Love and it sounds like you’re the one he settled for as she wasn’t available for whatever reason. So bloody disrespectful!

Apart from the fact that it is creepy as hell him doing that, like a stalker I would also be wondering if it is her he thinks of when you are intimate. She is his ultimate fantasy partner after all.

I would be furious.

In 20 years he's Google'd her a few times and asked after her a few times.

And recently sent messages to her angling to see if she was up for being involved with him again. 'My feelings haven't changed' isn't innocently asking after someone.