Red flag or am I being unfair...

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Partner of 8mths or so, wants to move in in next 6 mths to a year which is a good timescale. Going well and he's a great man in many respects. He has a job he's held for a very long time and lives alone with his teenager.
We however do very little together not been out for dinner more than once or to the cinema ever. Played pool or been to pubs maybe 8 times and only if I arrange things. Generally he comes over and we have dinner and play baord games or watch a film, fine as I have a young kid.
However, I recently started to push to go out more on child free days and it turns out he cant due to lack of money and we only do stuff if I pay for us both.
I was suprised as he earns well and has same disposible income as me each month after bills. Turns out he gets through almost 600 quid in 10 days leaving him with under 60 quid till payday for the next two weeks. He often borrows from mates at end of the month. He says its just on food and snacks. He dosnt run a car.
I know everyone does stuff differently but is that normal spending pattern or does it scream addiction of some kind?
I don't wnat his money or to be involved but I need to be able to do stuff and have a life and esp if planning to Co habit.

I would consider this might be debt repayments of some sort, however the reluctance to admit the real reason is concerning.
It is hard when you actually like someone to end things over his financial situation, but as you have said you actually want to date instead of staying in or paying for everything yourself.
I myself have recently entered a new relationship, the person I am seeing has debt problems from a business venture that went badly wrong.
Not the best news to hear when you have just met someone but he told me the truth straight away. I am not being wined and dined and I am not going to suggest we go and find myself having to foot the bill.
Tbh I am just turned 60 and have no great desire to go out to wine bars etc anymore, so currently I am quite happy with drives out and walks.
I like his company, we live too far apart to see each other that often, so I am enjoying what we have currently.
He has a great job, is a high earner and works every hour to try and rectify things so I shall see how that goes.
I know he would like a future together, but I have made it clear I am not the way out of his problems.

I’m slightly surprised, this being Mumsnet, that no one has suggested a sex worker habit yet… But seriously, if he doesn’t know, or won’t admit, what he squanders his money on - please don’t let him move in. Definite cocklodger alert sirens going off!

@goody2shooz I alluded to this in my previous posts. Only fans etc?

My husband when we dated was just like this. High disposable income but no money latter half of the month. He was just terrible with money! He also had credit cards and catalogue debt which he didn’t consider debt as he never went overdue the payments but he was also never really clearing it down so stuck in a vicious cycle. I said I needed him to be financially secure and share household responsibilities and told him to try the CAP money course (it’s not too preachy for non religious people) three years later he hasn’t touched his overdraft, has no credit card debt, has small savings and if he buys anything from a catalogue he pays it off in full at the time. Honestly I’d recommend him doing it!

They also have a theory about almost all “sudden drama” money issues can be at least temporarily fixed for £500 or less so we both have a pot of that amount separate from all other finances with a small standing order topping it up every month. Then when something unexpected does happen we can afford it and if it doesn’t we check and find we’ve got more in there and skim it back to the £500 buying something nice or treating ourselves. It’s really helped.

So he's not the right man for you.

You want to go out. He won't.
Surely it just comes down to this.

Suggest he keeps a note on his phone or somewhere convenient of what he's spending his money on.

So…
No motivation to go out and experience life.
No money.
No car.
Teenage daughter in tow.

I can see why he wants to move in…not sure why you would want him to.

The bottom line is…he’ll sit on his big old arse in your house, mouldering in front of the telly, contributing fuck all by way of financial support or entertainment.
Be very glad you have figured this out now before the move was made.

And really, who cares where the money goes? The point is, it goes. He’s insolvent by choice.
Nah.

Could he be going to prostitutes?

Do not fall foul of the sunken cost fallacy where you find yourself coaching him on how to be an adult. Suggestions of how to manage his money, trying to motivate him to take part in life outside four walls. I mean, he doesn’t even have a car ffs…you’ll be mummy to everyone on every single hard-won outing and you’ll pay for the privilege too.

Trust your instincts OP, something is not right here, particularly as he doesn't run a car (which can eat up lots of money).

I wouldn't let him move in until I knew exactly where the money was going, how he was going to make changes, and those changes being actioned.

That would mean he'd never move in, because he's not going to change.

He earns under 30k, and has rent and bills and a teenager...I think it would need careful budgeting to manage on that. School lunches and snacks, if bought out, can easily come to £20 pw plus pocket money/ clubs/ activities easily another£20 pw and that's not including any shoes/clothes/equipment. Teenagers eat huge amounts, even if only eating home cooked food, if that includes lots of meat that's probably at least £30 each for him and his son. Even if rent is low, there's bills, I can't see how he would have much left over for his own entertainment. You talk about salmon and steak, saying it's not caviar, but those are expensive foods, treats for most people, not "normal " food. If that's what he's eating, that'll be where a lot of the money goes.
I wouldn't have thought he's gambling, I think he's spending pretty normally, but actually neeeds to budget better.
Don't move him in yet.

Is he planning on moving his teenager in with you as well? If he is, then you'll be forking out for their costs too (and being chief cook and bottle-washer). If he isn't then where is the teen going to live, and who will pay for their accommodation?

Just don't. Don't do it. Don't tie yourself up financially with someone who isn't telling you what happens to all his money. He's looking to you for backup financial support and a comfy home. How long would it be, I wonder, before he tells you he can't pay his share of household bills / rent etc this month? He already runs out of cash before the end of each month and you buy all the food. You'd be a fool to let him move in with you.

Every penny you spend on this man is taking away from you and your child. And he is merrily letting you pay.

If he moves in it will cost you dearly. Don't do it.

Teenagers over 18... So no cost associated with them. Except food/bills.

Hang on....he spends £600 on food/drinks in a fortnight then has to borrow off friends for the rest of the month. Does he borrow the full £600 off them or just a couple of twenties for bread/milk? That should tell you something (not entirely sure what).

Either way, someone who can blow £600 in a fortnight on "nothing" is not a good person to be with. Add that to someone who borrows from others to survive the next fortnight is someone you should run far, far away from.

Don't be "that" mug. Look after yourself, no man is worth this.

FFS do NOT let this wannabe cocklodger move in on you.
He will never pay his way, you will have to nag him to "take you out", & when you do go out, you will have to pay.

Yes the borrowing is 20 quid or 40 for break, milk etc

The issue with the borrowing is that it has to be paid back on payday so actually his disposable income is less and so the cycle continues.

My ex husband was a spendaholic and it was a nightmare, sometimes I controlled his money like parent/child but he would rebel and run up debt.
Even when I worked part time due to children and him full time he made us split bills 50/50.
Years later when I was full time and he was part time he didn't want 50/50....

In the end (even when full time) he contributed 50/50 and that was it, no extra when the food budget ran out or we wanted days out. I funded it all so it was more 75/25.

I'm so pleased I left, if I'm poor its because of my spending and is controllable whereas before I was on the backfoot.

When we were together he ran up £25kof debt, I helped him manage it and reduce it but then he'd run it up again.
When he split he ran up a further £6k in a year and that wasn't even buying stuff for his new place as I funded that as a way to get rid of him.

I'd never get with a man who can't manage his finances.

Sooo... I think its a drinking problem. Based on some evidence form this week.
Im pretty gutted but it's pretty clear.
Thanks everyone for being supportive on here x

At least you’ve got an answer OP. Has he been hiding it from you? Are you still together?

Oh I'm so sorry to hear that

Im pretty gutted but it's pretty clear.

I know it stings OP, but this is a blessing.
PP who suggested you would end up as House Mother to him & his child were right. This man does not have enough 'oomph' for you.

Also - far to keen to move in on with you, knowing damn well that you would have to sub any leisure costs expect sitting in front of the telly - all while not being transparent about his own lack of budgeting skills.

You said in your original post that you do not go out or do anything fun and I can tell you from my own experience that you will eventually got fed up with this. You do not want to spend the rest of your life eating pizza and watching Netflix. You want to go out, travel, have some fun. So he is not taking you out but he does spend all his money somehow. I would say no, you do not want to tie knots with someone like that. He is a bad news and if I were you I would leave him, sooner rather then later.

Thanks everyone. I knwo it stings but I have to protect myself and my kid, you can't change an adult unless they wnat to change for themselves.