Red flag or am I being unfair...

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Partner of 8mths or so, wants to move in in next 6 mths to a year which is a good timescale. Going well and he's a great man in many respects. He has a job he's held for a very long time and lives alone with his teenager.
We however do very little together not been out for dinner more than once or to the cinema ever. Played pool or been to pubs maybe 8 times and only if I arrange things. Generally he comes over and we have dinner and play baord games or watch a film, fine as I have a young kid.
However, I recently started to push to go out more on child free days and it turns out he cant due to lack of money and we only do stuff if I pay for us both.
I was suprised as he earns well and has same disposible income as me each month after bills. Turns out he gets through almost 600 quid in 10 days leaving him with under 60 quid till payday for the next two weeks. He often borrows from mates at end of the month. He says its just on food and snacks. He dosnt run a car.
I know everyone does stuff differently but is that normal spending pattern or does it scream addiction of some kind?
I don't wnat his money or to be involved but I need to be able to do stuff and have a life and esp if planning to Co habit.

He is a large man but not gross if that makes sense and he likes hsi red meat. But he never eats out and to get through that then you'd have to really go some and try without eating out or having steak twice a day for 2 weeks

Have you seen any evidence of enormous amounts of food/ snacks? Is he a binge eater or something? If he’s telling the truth and he really does spunk it on food there should be fairly obvious evidence, he’d be at least getting through a fairly hefty takeaway each day to justify spending £60 a day on food for himself.

Hmm, even without the skintness revelation, I wouldn't say him moving in in the next six months is a "good timescale". You've both got kids. You have your home and your independence. What does it gain you and your young DC to move him and his teenager in? Only eight months in you should be enjoying yourselves separate from the domestics, but it sounds like he's skipped past the dates and romance and wants to move in. And now you know why, as he's shockingly unable to manage his finances and needs the default of you providing room and board and most likely a lot of the life admin too. Very glad you found this out now. Whatever he's blowing the money on, it's not viable for co-habiting so rule that out for at least another year and see if he gets his act together or not - both on the finance front and by living more of the life you want and deserve.

Yeah I'd have red flags at this. £600 in 10 days is an insane amount of money to go through unless it's a specific purchase - food and stuff is either a red herring or he has a really unhealthy balance with budgeting. The borrowing money off his friends thing is properly bizarre given he's working in a good job and has a child, I wouldn't dream of asking my friends for a handout at the end of the month unless something really bad had happened.

It won't get any better if you move in - you'll just be subbing him or expected to pay the bills. This happened to me when I first moved in with my ex, despite earning 10k less than him I was supporting him effectively because he couldn't manage his money properly. He did grow up and sort it out (which coincided with earning more money) and is OK with it now but I'll never forget those early days of paying for everything because he had nothing!

Good advice. Thank you x

No wonder he wants to move in with you?! You say he has a teenager- does that involve a lot of financial support?

You spend your time having dinner, watching films and playing board games at your house ? Does that include him staying the night ? . He must love this set up. Does he contribute towards the meal? Bring ingredients or offer to cook or get a takeaway?

Why are there so many threads like this and why are so many women's standards so low ... it is perfectly normal to want to go on 'dates' ... they don't have to be expensive... I've been married over 30 years but both of us will still look for reasonably priced things to do .. even if just going for a walk and taking a picnic or finding a 'free' concert or other local activity.

Gosh OP I wish I'd had an ounce of your common sense in the past. Well done for spotting this now!

Even if by some miracle there is no unmentionable expensive habit, the fact is that he gets through money like water, including yours. It's not great to hook up with someone like that.

When he comes over to yours... does he contribute? Or is it you buying food and preparing it (and cleaning up). Does he stay over?

Because he just sounds like an old fashioned cocklodger to me. He may or may bit be spending all the money on something but either he's saving it ans enjoying getting you to py for things or he's blowing it. Either way he is a) a liar and b) happy to sponge off you.

I have the ick just thinking about it.

First 10 days yes yes he does, he cooks for me both here and at his when I rarely stop and buys ingredients when he does. But again your taking making a chilli or salmon n wedges or a steak..... Not caviar and sushi etc. Just normal food. Normally we alternate cooking but towards end of the month he dosnt have the money and I cook.

@Pleaseaddcaffine please listen to your gut. I wish I had. I have just found out my partner of 3.5 years is a compulsive gambler 😔 the damage it has done is devastating.

Ask him how on earth he manages to spend that on food and snacks given that the rest of us manage for a week (or more) on what he claims to spend in a day.

I think the most important issue here is that you've talked to him, he's given you a clear answer, and you don't believe him. AKA you don't trust him.

Do you really want a relationship with someone you don't trust, regardless of whether you move in/whether he's bending the truth?

When you say he earns well, how much are we talking?

I did he just says he dosnt know but he does and he knows he's rubbish with money.
Again not helpful but I've asked now several times and this is standard response.

@Pleaseaddcaffine

My suspicion is gambling tbh. No expensive hobbies and generally frugal ie buys clothes from supermarkets or in sales etc.

Gambling is quite an expensive habit though OP.

If he's already running through his money each month and borrowing from friends what makes you think that wouldn't transfer to you? Your bills (inc council tax) would go up quite a bit with another adult and a teenager in your home so you'd be in a worse position than you currently are.

In your position I'd give the moving in a huge swerve whilst deciding if this really is a relationship you should pursue further - particularly with a child of your own to consider. 🌹

It's not a matter of trust... I wnat to but it just can't be the truth. Its an insane amount of money.

Earning a little bit under 30k, no transport costs as walks and low rent.

He has told you what's happening with the money. You don't feel you can believe him.

It's a matter of trust.

It's not just the crazy spending, it's the fact that he doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. It's absolutely not a sustainable way of living and if he genuinely is spending that sort of money on crap it's really not that hard to take steps to sort that out.

Trust your spidy sences OP. I’m guessing gambling. Plus having nights out with him being so stingy and paying for nothing is a big red flag 🚩🚩🚩

Maybe he is binge eating?

Doesn't sound good, could you reframe the conversation around moving in together and the financial side. Ask for a breakdown of where his money goes so you can work out what you can afford, and if he continues with the food line then ask for receipts to see how you can get the bill down.
Basically if all else is good, give him the opportunity to tell the truth before binning him off.
I have a friend who spends a similar amount on food and snacks, always in waitrose, costas, etc... so I can see how it could be done.

For me, it's bad either way: either he's lying about where the money has gone, which is a sack-him-offable offence imo. Or he genuinely doesn't know, which shows a total lack of self-reflection and -awareness. Again, a relationship-ender.

There could be many reasons for this as he isn't a high earner by a long stretch and has responsibilities - some reasons are not great but ok and workable on, but some not so ok - it could be more debt than he's told you about, more takeaways when he can't be arsed, smokes, gives a lot of money to his teen , just a poor budgeter- on the other hand it could be gambling, weed habit , only fans (or worse) or a compulsive buyer of 'stuff' - it could be he's exaggerated his earnings.

£600 isn't a lot of residual income for food and other stuff after bills - it's enough to get by quite ok for anyone reasonably sensible , but lots of people aren't. I'm afraid I would only allow any move in if I had a big discussion about it and saw his bank statements with all 'cards on the table' and if he was giving you £750 a month for rent, food and bills. He would indeed probably be better off then and have more money left , but that's going to be pointless if there's an underlying big habit. I would be right to the point OP , even at this stage- you've got nothing to lose apart from maybe the relationship and better to know the full score now .

Start it with the -I do care about you and am a bit concerned that ---

A grown adult that has to borrow money from friends is hugely unattractive , does he have no pride ?

He's also not frugal if he wastes so much money on 'snacks' .

Is he obese? Nobody would spend £600.00 on food and snacks in ten days otherwise!

I'd be concerned where all his money is going? Or has he lied about how much he earns? Or the job he does?