Personality disorders :/

[Firekitten]

Hi all,

I was wondering if there are people in this forum who have experience in relationships in which one or both people have a pd?
I have BPD myself and I have had years of therapy and would consider myself quite reflective, which doesn’t really help my self esteem. I think I am a good partner but I obviously have a lot of demons that can make life difficult.
My bf has a different pd and we are quite different in many ways. When I panic and get emotional he keeps a calm head, if he gets angry and vindictive I can talk him down. I think it’s because we both understand that the other struggles with certain thought patterns so it’s easier to talk about things, whereas most people will find us weird.
On the other hand I have a pretty bad history of picking bad partners who treated me awfully, so I am naturally asking myself if I can trust myself and my perceptions (which is again a typical bpd thing).
Are there others in this forum who have experience (either positive or negative)?
I am just trying to make sense of my head :)
Thank you!

Hey dear, all I can say is be careful as bpd sufferers often attract narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.

And whilst bpd sufferers are capable of making vast improvements through therapy, as it sounds like you have (good on you) ...the later 3 are just flat out dangerous and you should never get involved with them. Ever. Let alone when you yourself have a disorder that can make you extra vulnerable.

I suggest getting yourself back in regular therapy so that you can continue your journey of recovery.

There is no excuse for nastiness and vindictiveness or cruelty in any relationship. Personality disorders might explain it but they are not an excuse.

Thank you so much for your response:)
Yes he does fall into that bracket, which is why I am not sure if this will work. He’s quite open about it with me and I know that he gets upset about himself at times.
I have a tendency to give too much, but I can obviously also be hard work, and I have hurt people in the past. I think I feel “safer” because he doesn’t get upset when I slip up.
We are both attending therapy regularly but my therapist has not commented on my relationship, so I’m not sure what they think.

Oh and he isn’t cruel or vindictive in our relationship. He’s actually very protective.
Outside of it he can be though. At least I think so because I wouldn’t behave like this.

Agreed.

I suspect I have BPD and I do seem to attract narcs and sociopaths. As I 'look after' everyone I end up being taken advantage of easily.

I have untreated BPD, ASD, PTSD, clinical depression and a whole lot of other things. I find it incredibly hard to form healthy relationships and I've always attracted nasty men. Been with someone for 7 years but we don't live together, he's got no plans for the future and I barely see him, so basically just fwb without me even realising it. My mum has a personality disorder but never diagnosed, she has never been in a healthy, long term relationship so I always thought that's just how I was raised to not know what a good relationship looked like. I see others around me in amazing relationships and it's something I'd very likely never have because of the way I am

We are both attending therapy regularly but my therapist has not commented on my relationship, so I’m not sure what they think.

Do you talk about your relationship in therapy? Given BPD impacts the way you are in relationships with others I’d think it was important to spend some time in therapy talking through your thought patterns in your relationship and thinking through what a healthy relationship looks like.

Your therapist should be able to help you set clear boundaries in your relationship and identify what you want and need from others.

I'd definitely raise the relationship as a topic of discussion in therapy, not necessarily to get clarity over what to do, but just how you navigate and process it when these issues crop up.

When you say he gets "angry and vindictive" is this toward you, or other people? How long have you been together? I say this gently, but this is what my ex was like - he seemed very angry and vengeful about other people when we met/first 8 months or so, and then over time that anger and resentment ended up being directed at me. I initially downplayed his somewhat OTT reactions to things because they didn't involve me personally, but latterly ended up being personal and directed at me.

I hope you don't mind me asking but what personality disorder does he have? And how long have you been together?

Oh I do talk about my relationship during therapy. I meant what my therapist has not asked much or seemed concerned. At least she didn’t mention it to me?
We have been together a bit over a year and separately, but we have discussed the possibility to move in together some time soon. Maybe.
He is vindictive against others but has never done this to me. Apparently it’s much better than it was in the past.
He has npd comorbid with aspd and ppd. I don’t think it’s very noticeable to most people as he hides it well whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve (yes I know, it’s embarrassing).
Ok I will bring up the topic directly with my therapist next time I see her. That’s a good idea. Thank you all.

I’m so sorry to hear this :(
Have you had therapy? It has helped me a lot but it is hard work, especially at the start.
I started with cbt but also schema therapy and can recommend both. I learned a lot about myself and how I sabotage myself at times. I hope you decide to give it a go :)

DBT is also a good for of therapy for BPD, teaching emotional regulation particularly- worth seeing if your therapist can work using DBT principles or refer you to someone who can.

Please be careful OP and be especially careful about moving in with him.

The problem with his diagnosis is that at the minute you are still on the narcissistic pedestal- essentially you're just an extension of him so of course he's nice to you. You're him and he's perfect so you're perfect too. He will defend you to the death as he would himself.

The problem is: you've seen how vindictive he can be. At some point he will devalue you which is what narcissists do. Then you will become the enemy. Think about how he treats his antagonists. Do you want to be treated in that way?

I understand how intoxicating this kind of love can be. Feeling seen, understood, protected. The bubble is a bubble like no other. You feel made for each other, uniquely compatible.

When this ends it will devastate you. Don't move in with him, especially don't be bullied or co-erced into it. You have no real concept of who he will become. Look at how he has treated his enemies.

Pm me if you want. Sadly I have some understanding of this.

I mean @Pinkbonbon correctly identified his disorders before you said them. I suspected too. When you have experience of these men you see them very clearly but can still find them mesmerising.

I have ADHD. Interestingly there's some suggestion that some women diagnosed with BPD have been misdiagnosed and actually have ADHD. Because we're inattentive and emotionally reactive we can be easier to gaslight. It might be worth exploring.

Either way, this man may be a risk to you, though I admire him doing therapy. He is having to work against his own hardwiring.

Your priority has to be you.

Please, feel free to pm me.

@SquirrelSoShiny perfect description of the lovebombing phase.

Op, how was your partner diagnosed? It's unusual for individuals with npd to seek a diagnosis. If you have been together a year then you are still within the honeymoon/lovebombing phase. How he treats his Ex will be how he treats you...100% will not be different.

When I came on the scene Ex H behaved well to his Ex . This was because he knew I wouldn't tolerate poor treatment of an Ex. However prior to me he had been awful to her - I didn't know at the time and only found out after our separation - all I saw was his good behaviour and her being erratic. During our divorce I saw his ability to lie - truly shocked me and made me realise I didn't know him at all.

I say this to highlight how devious they can be as you will be mirrored so believe you are soulmates. Behaviour usually changes after some commitment- marriage, house purchase or children. Then you will see the real person.

It is not possible to have a longterm healthy reciprocal relationship with someone with NPD. Best approach is to keep separate lives and your financial independence.

I’m a bit surprised by the responses because I usually hear how awful people with BPD are, so thanks for not judging me.
Im not sure about the moving in part. Part of me really wants to but I also know that it might be a bit much, for both of us actually. I’m ok with leaving this for now because things are good the way they are.

He got diagnosed in his early 20s after getting in trouble with the law, but refused to engage back then. He only later decided to try therapy because he kept getting frustrated with relationships breaking down and the general chaos in his life.
So his reasons were pretty much like my own and I can understand them..

Yes, it feels nice to be protected and valued. Why would someone decide to devalue someone? I can’t think of a reason for this?
I have definitely hurt people and always felt dreadful for it.

He is still friends with his ex actually

Couldn't agree with this more. Unfortunately, a lot of people with BPD who are generally very empathetic and feel emotions very keenly, attract people who are essentially vultures to that.

It doesn't take much for someone who feels vindictive about others to suddenly direct that feeling to you. It's hugely destabilising and I worry that all the wonderful progress you've made with managing your BPD will be undone by the actions of one person.

Ok, I will ask my therapist about it. I wonder why she hasn’t mentioned any concerns. At least not that I noticed.

Why would you even think of entering into a relationship with someone with that diagnosis? It's not possible to have a relationship with them. They aren't capable of a normal loving relationship. Or even love at all ime.

As pp have said, BPD sufferers often attract narcissists and people with other disorders. I witnessed a relationship between people I strongly suspect to be NPD and BPD. It was a car crash. Awful, toxic and hugely damaging for all concerned. And yes the BPD sufferer was hugely drawn into the massive love affair he projected. She considered herself his complete soulmate, and never walked away. It gave him license to treat her increasingly badly - the worse I've ever witnessed.

Having unwittingly been in a relationship with someone who was at least a sociopath, I'd never ever knowingly enter into a relationship with anyone with a pd ever again. And I don't have BPD. I have no idea why your counsellor isn't warning you off.

I would be just as harsh on someone with bpd as I would on someone with npd if they knew what they were and had never sought therapy for it. But you have. And, therapy has been shown to make considerable differences for some people with bpd.

Where as narcissists...rarely seek therapy. And even when they do, there is little case evidence to support it changing them for the better in any way, shape or form due to the underlying nature of the disorder. I'd suspect that mostly, they just go to therapy because they want to be told that infact, it is the rest of the world that has a problem, not them.

But what we are saying to you op, is that eseentially, you should run. Run fast and run far. Your councilor may feel it is not her place to say anything. But really, anyone worth their fee should tell you to stay the hell away from sociopaths, narcisssists or psychopaths.

And tbf, why wpuld you want want be with someone who you knowfine well, treats other people badly? That's not a nice person. And a partner should at a bare minimum, be a nice human being. Don't you think?

I suspect the counsellor is focusing on maintaining the therapeutic relationship and waiting for the OP to ask questions. If the counsellor starts wading in and attacking the relationship it only hardens the 'bubble' - the sense of 'us against the world'.

I want to be in a relationship but I am terrified of hurting people, but he has a thick skin. I don’t know how to describe it but I feel more secure with someone who knows what it’s like to be different :/
But it’s true that I don’t have the best track record with people and several have treated me badly.

There's a naivety in your posts that really concerns me. 'Why would someone devalue someone?'

Go and read as much as you can about narcissistic personality disorder. This on its own would be a red flag but alongside the sociopathy / psychopathy consider it the stuff of nightmares.

By the way, I'm not judging him. I actually feel for him. He is trying in his own broken way to be better and to be whole. But - he will never be a safe partner and I hate saying that because he probably feels like the love you have always waited for and that he has always wanted.

My version of this was a friend not a lover. He once sent me a message saying that he 'wasn't a bad man' and that if I met his standards he was willing to 'forgive' me.

This was a day after telling me that he would find me and chop my head off and that he didn't even have to do it himself, he had better things to do with his time.

Before all this the bubble was wonderful. We could practically read each other's minds. It was extraordinary really. I never had another friend like him and I do believe that he loved me as best he could but please don't think of this as love in the way that you know it. He might as well be a creature from outer space.

I wish you all the very best. I know how much you want it to work but as another friend told me, 'Sometimes I picture you with him and him killing you and your last thought being disbelief that this is how your life ended.' Hold that thought if it helps you.

Trust me you will see his cruel nasty vindictive side soon enough. Read up on NPD, they are incapable of love, everyone is just a tool to them, while you’re doing what he wants he will be as nice as pie, the second you do something he doesn’t like he will switch on you and will seem like a completely different person, and it will be all your fault btw, because they never do anything wrong and never apologise. It’s part of their manipulation, and it messes with your head even if you don’t have mental health issues.

I imagine your BPD might cause you to have a fear of abandonment and become dependent on you partner emotionally, so I wouldn’t strongly urge you to leave this relationship. My MIL has NPD and she was extremely abusive to her ex husband and my wife.