Personality disorders :/

[Firekitten]

Hi all,

I was wondering if there are people in this forum who have experience in relationships in which one or both people have a pd?
I have BPD myself and I have had years of therapy and would consider myself quite reflective, which doesn’t really help my self esteem. I think I am a good partner but I obviously have a lot of demons that can make life difficult.
My bf has a different pd and we are quite different in many ways. When I panic and get emotional he keeps a calm head, if he gets angry and vindictive I can talk him down. I think it’s because we both understand that the other struggles with certain thought patterns so it’s easier to talk about things, whereas most people will find us weird.
On the other hand I have a pretty bad history of picking bad partners who treated me awfully, so I am naturally asking myself if I can trust myself and my perceptions (which is again a typical bpd thing).
Are there others in this forum who have experience (either positive or negative)?
I am just trying to make sense of my head :)
Thank you!

We cross posted. His thick skin is not thick skin. It's just not experiencing normal emotions. You couldn't hurt his feelings in any normal sense because they don't exist.

Any attack on his fragile sense of self / sense of his own goodness... now that will hurt but only in the sense of making him want to annihilate you so he doesn't feel bad anymore. Phew. Problem solved.

The thing is op, he doesn't have a thick skin. Every little offense to his ego, be sure that he is storing that away for the time in the future where the relationship reaches a devalue stage - then he will take it out on you by smashing your self worth to smithereens.

Generally narcissists are actually, extremely affected by criticism. Because their whole life revolves around their fragile ego. Even if they try to hide that.

Some with other co morbidal aspects may be slighy different...but it's not that stuff doesn't affect them, it's just they don't give a shit about you - SO what you say or think, is completely irrelevant to them.

They are not capable of love. If you want company, get a pet. If you want a normal loving relationship though...don't date a narcissist or q psychopath. Because the thing that needs to be there for that...it just isn't. And it never will be.

And at some point down the line, you'll fall off their pedestal...and they'll fucking destroy you.

A partner isn't rhree to put up with you, they're they're to love you. Narcissists cannot do that. And you deserve better.

One thing this thread should show you OP: some of us have experienced these people. Once you see it, you will see the world with clearer eyes and that's a good thing.

*they're there to love

oh and BTW when i say criticism I don't mean actual criticism. I mean narcissists will take things as a slight that were never meant to be. Because their ego is so fragile. So you'll get retorts and silent treatment from them for saying or doing something 'wrong' and have no idea what it was. Because infact, it was nothing.

Thanks all. I will speak to my therapist.
I’m just feeling really down now. Thank you for sharing

My ex had bpd, and was a complete nightmare. Utterly self destructive and dermined to try and take everyone else down with them. I'm a 'fixer' and always try to see the best in people. I thought my positive, stabilising influence would be enough to keep my ex in a good place, but it was totally futile. Made me learn never to try and take on someone as a project again - either take them as they are or not at all.

But I don't believe in people being defined by their personality disorder - I'm sure plenty of people with bpd have it under control and make great partners. Just that my ex used it as an excuse for shitty behaviour, which has obviously left me very wary.

the bubble is great. But he wasn't reading your mind - he was mirroring you, which is why you thought you had so much in common with you, why he was your soulmate. He's essentially being you.

Sorry this is so hard OP. If he's angry and vindictive, that should be reason enough not to be with him really.

after getting in trouble with the law

Very typical that therapy was imposed following law breaking. Generally individuals with npd who stay the right side of the law rarely go to therapy. If they do go (ex did) it's a way to get validation, rather than genuinely reflect on their behaviour. Tbf I can understand the reluctance as npd is not curable, therapy may help to modify behaviours but there isn't a cure in talking therapies. Dr Ramani says the condition is like an elastic band so will always snap back into original shape.

Why do they devalue? at the outset they may genuinely believe you are perfect but over time you will disappoint them, as all partners will do. At that point due to their lack of empathy and black and white thinking they turn against you, often thinking you have tricked them into pretending to be their perfect partner.

Op, do you think you don't deserve a good person?

Well I am not a good person because I don’t think I can ever trust myself not to cause chaos again, even though I am really trying hard.
He understands what it’s like to be different and to try to fit in.
I have to think about your feedback and messages. Thank you all very much, I am taking it in but it’s not easy and it hurts too. Thanks all.

I'm at defcon 1 after exiting a long term relationship with someone who ticks every box for NPD with massive red flags on. There's a house to sell.
It is the stuff of nightmares and I've been financially screwed. It's got to the point where the money doesn't matter, some is protected, I just want out.
You are aware before really committing, please don't think you can 'fix' him or make it work long term.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think that's the thing other people can never really understand even if we share some traits with these guys (in my case neurodivergence). They feel similar enough that we 'vibe' with them and feel like we understand each other. But actually we don't have ANY understanding of how destructive they are and how willing and determined they are to destroy us. They need to protect their fragile ego at any and all cost otherwise they feel annihilated. Annihilating everyone else is their preferred option.

It's like the story of the frog telling the scorpion 'I'll carry you across the river if you promise not to sting me.' And the scorpion stings the frog and as they both die the frog asks, 'why did you do that? Knowing it would kill us both?' And the scorpion answers, 'because it was in my nature.'

Frogs think that scorpions think like frogs. They don't. They think so differently from us that truthfully they might as well be aliens.

Mine even used to tell me he wasn't human. I thought he meant his neurodivergence (ADHD and autism) made him feel different but it wasn't that at all, it was the NPD. He knew he was incapable of normal feelings and responses.

“Mine even used to tell me he wasn't human.”
Mine says the same. Sometimes in frustration when he tries and can’t fit in. Usually because he feels that he is better than the “others”..

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I swear I would think they were the same person but for my equivalent living abroad. I mean it's almost funny on paper but just remember: they are scorpions. They sting because it's in their nature. And that's why it's not funny. They're actually terrifying 😕

Dr Robert Hare who is considered the leading authority on psychopaths says that even when he knows someone has commited awful crimes he can he charmed by them and has to remind himself.

He describes psychopaths as 'social predators' and most are not violent so are undiagnosed. Science is showing us that their brain types are different so this isn't something they can change as it's brain wiring.

Ex H told me he made "people cry". I just remember being bewildered because I couldn't understand why someone would do that. I assumed it was accidental and he would feel guilty. That was a major error on my part. He didn't care if someone was hurt by his actions as in his mind it was always deserved.

He does that too. Or at least he enjoys making people really uncomfortable and sometimes upset. He thinks it’s funny and that it’s just nice to be able to control the situation and people. He doesn’t do it when I am around any more because I really hate it and usually feel the need to smooth over the situation because I cannot stand the discomfort the other person feels.

Ok. I thought it “ok” because at least he talks about things and why he does stuff. The guys I was with were always totally closed off about these things.
I am feeling sad but also uncomfortable now. I don’t want to be stung..

Mine ticks all the boxes for NPD, I had no idea what was going on for 20 years, he would flit between telling me how wonderful I was to seemingly having no interest. Some things came out at that point that could have split us up and he was saying things like 'I'd rather lose a limb than you'. However it seemed like he was often obsessed with people at work but he assured me he wasn't attracted to them and made me think I was jealous and paranoid and the issue was with me.

Then after 22 years he told me he'd never wanted to be with me and never loved me, he'd just never found anyone else and he'd wanted someone to love him - he'd been trying to line other people up throughout our whole relationship/marriage. He'd failed because unfortunately he really wasn't quite the amazing catch he thought he was. But he told me 'don't worry I've decided I want you now' - as though I'd be grateful! I'm in a difficult position to leave due to children with SEN and financially insecure though unfortunately. A couple years later he told me he actually still didn't love me it was just another lie when he said he did because he's emotionally dependent on me and doesn't want to be alone.

People with NPD lie like a psychopath in my experience. My whole life has been made a lie by him and for now I'm trapped here. I don't think he is able to love or to care about anyone apart from himself. Everything he does that seems nice (and there is a lot that appears really nice and extremely generous) is purely to make himself look good. He's also extremely superficial with no real personality, he'll be what he thinks people want him to be. Unfortunately I'm not what he wants because he wants a porn star body and a model face that spends their time telling him how amazing he is (is has no self esteem but a massive ego).

Please don't be me. Talk to your counsellor in depth about your relationship and the things about his behaviour that worry you. Ask your counsellor about relationships with people with NPD. I think I have ASD and i think that's why we connect because personality disorders are considered by some a neurodiversity so i understand the connection you feel - but please, you don't deserve the pain that is waiting for you in 5, 10 or even 20 years.

I’m so sorry. I really hope you find a way to leave and someone who deserves you :(
I will speak to my counsellor, promise.

I’m really sorry to hear what is happening to you too. I hope you get out of this soon and can leave it behind you.

@SquirrelSoShiny I had a look at the symptoms of female adhd and I can see why there is so much overlay. There are so many similarities to bpd!
There are some differences to the way I am but I guess it’s just a general description of a condition. Thank you for sharing this with me

Thanks all. Things have gotten more complicated and I think I will need to involve my therapist more now.
Thanks for sharing your feedback and not criticising me as I had expected people to do :)

OP, I’m not going to say anything that hasn’t been said already but, in stark terms:
Everyone deserves to feel cherished in a relationship, always.

This person is not capable of love and does not love you.

it will only get worse.

Yes that’s the one consistent thing I hear. I had just hoped that 2 damaged people with some sense of reflection could make it work.
As I said maybe neither of us is supposed to be in a relationship..

I think you have to cultivate a good relationship with yourself first OP.

By the way, he's not friends with his ex.
She is supply and in his harem. He will have other supplies in various stages of procurement.

The behaviours are text book. At this stage I wouldn't go down the rabbit hole of learning about it, or trying to understand it.
Just try to get away.
Tell him you are not good enough for him and block him.
He will probably make it very difficult for you to extract yourself.
It's all an act. The mask is all he is and all he has.

:(
I’ll meet a friend at the weekend to talk about things. It’s just very sad and doesn’t send me to a good place.

I’ll try to distance myself a bit. He seems quite obsessed with work at the moment, so I’ll see if I can just give him some more space and focus on myself.
I wouldn’t be lying if I said I wasn’t good enough because I have plenty of flaws. But so does he.