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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Personality disorders :/

102 replies

Firekitten · 10/06/2022 08:41

Hi all,

I was wondering if there are people in this forum who have experience in relationships in which one or both people have a pd?
I have BPD myself and I have had years of therapy and would consider myself quite reflective, which doesn’t really help my self esteem. I think I am a good partner but I obviously have a lot of demons that can make life difficult.
My bf has a different pd and we are quite different in many ways. When I panic and get emotional he keeps a calm head, if he gets angry and vindictive I can talk him down. I think it’s because we both understand that the other struggles with certain thought patterns so it’s easier to talk about things, whereas most people will find us weird.
On the other hand I have a pretty bad history of picking bad partners who treated me awfully, so I am naturally asking myself if I can trust myself and my perceptions (which is again a typical bpd thing).
Are there others in this forum who have experience (either positive or negative)?
I am just trying to make sense of my head :)
Thank you!

OP posts:
lilkiki · 27/06/2022 10:04

I haven’t read the full thread so I’m sorry if I’m totally out of whack

i just don’t think I could be bothered to deal with the continual drama of being he’s only involved wort a person who suffers from a PD
i know there selfish and shitty of me and blah blah
bit the constant amateur dramatics due to attention seeking or abandonment issues or simply because they feel like creating some fuckery

No thanks
hard pass

lilkiki · 27/06/2022 10:05

Sorry that’s supposed to say “heavily involved” not “he’s only involved wort” haaaa

Firekitten · 27/06/2022 10:36

I’m the annoying one :/

OP posts:
Firekitten · 01/07/2022 15:31

Well I guess I have my answer..
He is unwilling to “negotiate” boundaries and insists that his needs are just that. I am apparently unreasonable, even though I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with some things. He used the “you did it before and it wasn’t an issue then” line which I found quite hurtful but hey ho….
Thanks all, I am slowly withdrawing now.

OP posts:
Moretodo · 02/07/2022 19:17

These types can't love or relate. Loving and relating (the suggestion of) is wjat will keep you in it. Trying to please trying to go back to the love bombing phase, negotiating yourself down further and further, to nothing eventually.

Slowly withdrawing is staying in it and certain pain for you.
Ultimately you are going to do your own thing, but the longer you stay, the more damaged you will be.
The mask is all he is, and all he has.
Glitter on shit.

Hope you get out.

Firekitten · 02/07/2022 21:21

I am in the slowly withdrawing phase and you are right. I am finding this painful

OP posts:
Moretodo · 02/07/2022 22:30

Would you like to say more about the slowly withdrawing. Is it helping you in some way to lengthen the ending?

Are you scared of him?

Firekitten · 02/07/2022 22:42

I’m scared of losing him because he is the most important person in my life really, but I have started to reconnect more with other friends now.
My family won’t want me.

OP posts:
Moretodo · 02/07/2022 23:19

Could you try making yourself the most important person in your life?
What would that look like?

ConfusedNoMore · 03/07/2022 09:08

Hello @Firekittensorry this is long.... . My exh no doubt has NPD and could well have other issues. I certainly believe now he has undiagnosed ASD as our child has recently been diagnosed and I can see the similarities so much but my child has empathy...ex does not because I think he has NPD as well.

Ex was emotionally, mentally, financially and sexually abusive.... although it revealed itself gradually.

The thing that strikes me about your posts is that you are making sense of him by projecting yourself into it...which, to be fair, we probably all do to an extent. For example, you'd at you feel safer because he doesn't take your stuff to heart and you feel because he's having therapy for his pds and so are you , there is understanding.

But this understanding is coming from you. Try and look (and this is hard) really objectively. He does not have a thick skin or reciprocate your understanding, he is detached. NPD see people as useful. It's about what they get out of it. You are the one trying to please.

When you say he doesn't hurt people in front of you anymore, it is not because he is thinking about how you feel. He just doesn't want to deal with your judgement or any upset. He won't stop being like this, he'll just suppress it around you because it is better for him.

This recent argument is very revealing. He's saying he is not going to change. It is up to you to put up with his shit because you have before. That's exactly what narcs do. They find people who will look after them and try and understand them and rationalise their behaviour and forgive it. BUT even not judging him at all, he is saying that he will not make any adjustments and 'negotiate'. Healthy relationships are all about communication and trying to understand each others needs. He may have a point that his needs are his needs. That statement is really vital. He's not going to change so can you just lose yourself entirely to what his needs are? If the answer is yes, then you need to keep the therapy going and explore it. It should never be yes.

Acceptance is one thing but this isn't that.

Look up codependency. Really important.

All of the understanding and good bits of the relationship here are coming from you! You are showing him the love and care you have not perhaps felt for yourself having a personality disorder.

I often tried to remind myself at the end of my relationship that it wasn't about if I loved him, it was if he loved me. He did not. He wasn't capable.

It is concerning that he doesn't want people to know what he is so you feel that means you can't talk to your friends about your relationship. You also have distance with your family, which sounds like for good reasons for your own boundaries and his attitude may seem supportive but be careful. It'll be about his needs not yours. Do not isolate yourself for him. Your needs are valid too.

Sorry this is long. I'm sorry it's hard going through this but your reflection is good. Your ability to love and care is good. Just spend it on yourself if you can and not someone who will just take. The good things you are seeing with your man are from you, I promise.

Firekitten · 03/07/2022 16:20

Yeah I think I need to end this but I am not sure how to do it yet. This probably sounds silly but this it isn’t so easy.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 03/07/2022 20:54

It doesn't sound silly. It's hard to walk away. I didn't. He ended it with me and although he put me through hell, I'm so glad and relieved he did.

Just keep talking to your therapist. Explore your feelings. And do talk to your friends. Flowers

DFOD · 04/07/2022 10:18

There is an emotionally and physically safe way to leave these relationships. It is about withdrawing in a planned and non confrontational way with lots of external support.

The aim is not to trigger his fragile ego.

Don’t make it a big deal. Don’t do blame. Make it vanilla and vague “just not compatible” “just don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment” - don’t get drawn into any discussions because every single word will be twisted into bullets to shoot you with. In fact he will already have a stash of your words to destroy you with already.

I would look into getting a safety plan in place which becomes no contact at the point he becomes aggressive.

Build up you emotionally supportive network with your friends and therapist ahead.

You sound like a very emotionally intelligent woman who is making great strides in healing the wounds done to you. This relationship will undo that. You need to heal your wounds yourself and then look for a respectful reciprocal balanced relationship. It might feel different to you - less intense but that’s all good.

Well done to you for “seeing it” and exploring it. You are further on than you think.

Firekitten · 04/07/2022 11:11

Well it’s not great because we had a disagreement at the weekend, so things are already tense atm.
He is starting a new job and doesn’t have his golden boy status right now, so I am not sure how he’ll be over the next weeks. I’m really not sure how to leave this yet but I am also not sure if the fight at the weekend will have a ripple effect now.
I don’t know, but I guess I have to wait and see

OP posts:
DFOD · 04/07/2022 11:27

Sounds like the attrition to devaluation - especially if his ego is unsettled on the new job front.

Do you have to wait and see?

Do you have to hang around to take an emotional beating?

Or can you make a firm decision for yourself internally that this is over and seek support to extract yourself from this relationship.

You don’t have to tell him yet.

Are you done?

Firekitten · 04/07/2022 11:46

I don’t know. I love him and care a lot about him, and of course I want him to be happy. But I thought he was cruel when we had our disagreement and I hadn’t been sure if I had been mean. But I know now that I hadn’t been mean and that his reaction wasn’t normal….so it’s shaken me and I know that I definitely need to change something before I lose myself.

OP posts:
DFOD · 04/07/2022 14:32

You love him.
He is not showing loving behaviour towards you.

You will get hurt

DFOD · 04/07/2022 14:33

This is shifting and escalating in line with classic PD behaviour. You sense it and know it and have been told it on here.

What’s keeping you there and what support do you need to avoid this inevitable hurt?

Firekitten · 04/07/2022 15:01

Maybe part of me hopes that he will still apologise and recognise that he hurt me, but another part knows that this is unlikely and wouldn’t last long.
I just know that I will be incredibly lonely, and that he will take it badly if I was to just announce that I am done.I know it sounds pathetic but I get really uncomfortable and insecure when someone challenges me or if I am hurting someone.
I know I need to do it but I’m not sure if I can do it on my own.

OP posts:
ConfusedNoMore · 04/07/2022 15:26

I think what you say confirms all the more that this relationship won't be good for you should it continue. Those with NPD routinely twist things around to protect their ego. My ex rewrote history so much. I was always wrong and yet never good enough because the goal posts constantly shifted.

@DFOD has asked some good questions and made good suggestions. You don't have to end things I am unsafe way. You don't have yend things before you are ready. But you can build your support network in anticipation. And work on yourself.

Firekitten · 04/07/2022 21:14

Thanks both, I will try to work on my social network and just ignore him acting up for now. I do have some good friends but I don’t want to wear them out. I might try my parents but unfortunately they have a habit of letting me down (and I don’t think that’s me being just typical BPD because others saw it too).
It’s such a nasty feeling in my stomach but I’ll get there. Thank you both

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 22:08

@Firekitten this thread fell off my list for some reason but you are doing amazingly 👏 you really are.

The key to a successful exit is making it all his idea. So... I'm not in a good place, I don't want to hold you back in your new job, I think I need more therapy, tbh I'm nuts.

It might take a couple of attempts but as you gradually stop pouring love into him and into yourself it will get easier. Gradually withdraw as narc supply for him. Let him find some shiny new thing.

I know that sounds hard and sad right now but he isn't real. He doesn't love you because he can't in any meaningful sense. He's a lover shaped shell. Crack the surface there's no substance. No compromise, no respecting your boundaries.

kateandme · 05/07/2022 09:11

Ok.it may not be his fault.and we all feel for those with the illness.but that doesn't mean you can hope for that to be different and see a result.
With your condition it can.you can have therapy,meds and techniques to get you better or at least a level to live a stable life.wven happy.
But with his complex diagnosis and the nature of his illness he can't be the person your holding on to.he just cant.its the very nature of his terrible illness that means he can't function like that.
But you can't put your life on hold.nor can you stay in this place of "known" suffering thtough fear of the whT ifs when you break free and habe to find pth of your own.because t least you no this shit right?but living your own life well that's scary,new,change. And who will you be without him.or this day to day goings on.
But it can be ok.it can be better! Great even.freedom doesn't have to be so scary.
It can be new.and offer sooooo much potential for you.
But you have to make the leap into the unknown.you have to be willing to feeel uncertain for a wee while whilst you find who you are.
But you can
I think the fact your here shows u want to.

Firekitten · 05/07/2022 09:18

SquirrelSoShiny · 04/07/2022 22:08

@Firekitten this thread fell off my list for some reason but you are doing amazingly 👏 you really are.

The key to a successful exit is making it all his idea. So... I'm not in a good place, I don't want to hold you back in your new job, I think I need more therapy, tbh I'm nuts.

It might take a couple of attempts but as you gradually stop pouring love into him and into yourself it will get easier. Gradually withdraw as narc supply for him. Let him find some shiny new thing.

I know that sounds hard and sad right now but he isn't real. He doesn't love you because he can't in any meaningful sense. He's a lover shaped shell. Crack the surface there's no substance. No compromise, no respecting your boundaries.

Thank you. I’m not sure if I am doing so well but I am
not happy with how he reacted when I tried to set up a boundary and it has made me reconsider things. You are right, I don’t want him on my bad side.
He is very much focussed on his work so maybe that will take up more of his attention, I don’t know. He got a lot of attention and recognition in his last workplace and has to now start from scratch, so he isn’t the easiest to handle. I probably didn’t pick a good time to wake up but I’m not sure if there is ever a good time.

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 14/07/2022 21:19

How are things going @Firekitten ?