Personality disorders :/

[Firekitten]

Hi all,

I was wondering if there are people in this forum who have experience in relationships in which one or both people have a pd?
I have BPD myself and I have had years of therapy and would consider myself quite reflective, which doesn’t really help my self esteem. I think I am a good partner but I obviously have a lot of demons that can make life difficult.
My bf has a different pd and we are quite different in many ways. When I panic and get emotional he keeps a calm head, if he gets angry and vindictive I can talk him down. I think it’s because we both understand that the other struggles with certain thought patterns so it’s easier to talk about things, whereas most people will find us weird.
On the other hand I have a pretty bad history of picking bad partners who treated me awfully, so I am naturally asking myself if I can trust myself and my perceptions (which is again a typical bpd thing).
Are there others in this forum who have experience (either positive or negative)?
I am just trying to make sense of my head :)
Thank you!

That's your exit strategy right there. 'You deserve better, psycho dude love. I'm a barrier to your work and growth. I can't be a good partner for you.'

Good luck OP.

Agree with every word.

Funnily enough, my version had a harem too. Different women always falling in and out of favour (90% of his 'friends' were women even though he was actually a complete misogynist!). You're right, it really is textbook.

Well I don’t think he has an abundance of female friends. He doesn’t have they many anyway and the only long term ones are male.
Anyway. I will meet my friend at the weekend and take it from there. Things have gotten more complicated, also partially through my fault, so maybe a bit of a break is the best thing for everyone involved. If I can keep up the bravado :)

He has npd comorbid with aspd and ppd. I don’t think it’s very noticeable to most people as he hides it well whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve (yes I know, it’s embarrassing).

Erm, aren't NPD and ASPD part of the so-called "Dark Triad" which are commonly thought to make up the psychopathic personality disorders? (along with Machiavellianism). Psychopaths don't have to have all 3 present but can have just 1, or 2...

So you are dating a diagnosed psychopath with a criminal record serious enough for sentencing reports to be ordered and a lot of the things you mention are in keeping with that. No wonder he is still in touch with his ex!

I read up about on all this because I'm pretty sure my ex was a psychopath and the disorder presented logical reasons for understanding his awful behaviour.

Most psychopaths destroy the person they are with in the end, figuratively or in reality, often by simply walking out with no explanation. They don't really have emotions but mimic those of others. I don't think this guy is good news at all. My ex cheated, including with my best friend, and at least 2 other women, lied and basically invented a fake personality and interests to draw me in in the first place. I am convinced that he actually used to practice facial expressions in the mirror, because in all our photos he looks gentle and soft eyed, but if you caught him off guard, his eyes would be cold and hard and when angry, would turn black (thats when the pupils retract to pin pricks). And he used to always have something minor and unspecified wrong with him as an excuse for not doing stuff - the number of "colds" that man had was unbelievable. If you want to waste years of your life and end up with PTSD, then go ahead and keep dating your psychopath. Its untreatable. Best case scenario is that he will leave you.

It's very sifficultvwith these disorders.i think from the outside asking people who haven't experience in this area it can be equally as tough.because if they saw what people go through,how it makes the sufferer behave they would or might think that it's awful or how do the partners or families out up with it. The stigma of this only grows in today's society.
What we went through,what her illness made her do was so.etimes horrific.but there was always her.or always the knowledge of her sorrow,struggle and definite separate self.which meant we new she wouldn't ever do this stuff if she wasn't ill.and on her good days she was the best human.and even on her worst on lucid moments she felt so dam guilty.
So his behaviour could be his illness and again to those with no knowledge the symptoms can look nasty,selfish etc.
But also it might no be something you can live with.nor should you suffer emotionally if he hasn't found ways to cope or control his illness.
But YOU 're NOT a bad person and his or your symptoms are NOT your fault.
Navigating this illness luv is one of the hardest things in the world.the bravery it takes is astounding.and I'm in awe of you I really am.to have your head screaming at you one tho g after another,well to do the opposite or keep on the straight makes you can amazing.
You are allowed to stumble.but keep talking,keep getting all the help.help with no is probably one of the most key things especially for this illness.keeping on a level with meds and therapy are the game changer.
But please don't think this is because of who you are or what you are as to why your feeling this way.
You deserve love and to be loved and you can have that.this might not be the one.but many even without the illness don't find the one every time.but don't take that inward.
You might need more compassion and a patient hand.and so.eone that can withstand a sometimes bully of an illness.but they exist.and they have their own flaws too,whether more "normal" ones or not.
Please keep talking if you need to.
You come across as absolutely lovely.you deserve so much hun
You honestly do.pleasecremwmbee just how far you've come and what you've overcome.most couldn t fathom it.

@AchatAVendre I don’t want to argue with you but I feel I do need to set this straight. He isn’t a psychopath and as far as I know only 1% of people with ASDP are. Unfortunately as soon as anyone hears the diagnosis they immediately think of the worst case scenario and think of psychopaths. I know he is really sensitive about this and I do understand it.
There are a lot of generalisations about bpd too and I get very frustrated when I try to explain that I have the “quiet bpd” and don’t fit the criteria that are commonly known. So I understand that he gets annoyed when the same happens to him, and I totally understand why he keeps it hidden.
I know he has cheated. So have I. I have cheated on absolutely loving partners and destroyed my relationships, and I still feel guilty for the pain I caused. I have understood why I did these things and what to avoid, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am very capable of causing hurt.
He is not a violent criminal. He isn’t running around attacking people. He did when he was young and he adjusted his behaviour when he finally embraced therapy. I don’t mean to defend him, but he is probably more stable than I am.

I didn’t mean this as criticism but just wanted to explain myself and how I got here.

Your right in everyrhing you say op.about him?and how he behaves and the symptoms being one of that mental illness he has.its such a horrid illness to have to battle and then others often wrong opinions of you.
Bpd can also come In waves of symptoms depending on your time in life and the environment your In.
The hurt you cause must feel really bad inside often.im glad your both getting help for that.
Where do you want to go from here.do you love him,want a relationship.would u feel better as friends.
How are you now and what so you think you need from us?
We are still here.

Thank you for your message.
I spoke to my therapist and it has dragged me down to a dark place (it often does), so I definitely won’t expect anyone to help me with this.
Of course I love him. And yes, as someone pointed out before on this thread it is “us against the world”. I currently need to think about this and if he is actively trying to sabotage my other relationships. He might be, I’m not sure. It’s dreadful to think about in fact.
I also need to think about my self destructive nature. God I hate myself at times..

I'm sorry this is difficult for you @Firekitten You were brave starting a thread and asking questions about your relationship. Usually when we start asking questions we are ready to hear answers.

The thing is: you have autonomy. Lots of people (me included) have said, 'Be careful. Here be dragons!' In the end though, you don't have to do anything anyone else tells you to do - but that includes him. Just take some time and watch and wait.

Keep talking with your therapist and people you trust. Be really honest with yourself about his behaviours and words rather than glossing over the unpleasant bits. Placing people on a pedestal, then suddenly devaluing them is part and parcel of NPD and BPD so you probably resist it BUT it is OK to walk away from any relationship that is doing you harm.

I'll write something more later because actually your thread helped me too! ❤

thank you :)
i definitely won’t be ignoring things or advice but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed at times. It’s ok to get some harsh words here, even if it’s not what I wanted to hear. I know that many people would not be as gentle and judge me more.

I’ll focus on my relationships and his engagement in them. He is definitely very critical of my family but I guess he knows that I am too. So I can’t tell if he agrees with me or if he is doing it to drive a wedge between us.
And I will also try to break down what I do for him to make him happy, even if I don’t like it.
I’ll focus on these steps for now.

I think your really brave and show great insight into your illness.and his.and brave for even trying to decipher what s illness or a person.
I'd say stop blaming or putting fault in your way though.yiu aren't at fault here.
Neither of you are. Ok so he might be a dickhead.buuut all his behaviours are very tick boxing of his illness.therefore he cannot be blamed per say for them.he can get help to manage them though.AND and this is the big thing...even if his actions are explained by be.i g exactly as his illness makes him behave.that does NOT mean you can cope or should cope with them.
We would all wish to stick by those we love.especially with mental illness because it's really not their fault.but you are I'll too and need someone to have your back,u need to keep safe and well.you don't perhaps need this kind of partner right now and that IS OK. Also because usually we might have our do as a sounding board,like a rational head the person suffering can go to for support.but if your both ill I imagine that's really hard.youve two illness fighting eacother.
Keep talking.do you have support aswell as your therapist?
If this isn't a relationship that makes you feel happy op then you can leave it.

Have a look T Dr Ramani on YouTube. She has short videos and is on the ball.

I learned a lot. Some of it was uncomfortable, but it was helpful.

The one about trauma bonded relationships was scarily familiar..I recognised a lot.
In my therapy we have mainly focused on my family dynamic and family relationships, from which I have largely distanced myself..
I grew up with one parent who twisted words and used gaslighting, which I didn’t realise until way into my therapy. Ironically my parents really like my bf, and are unaware that he just enjoys “their bad acting skills”.
Ok. Maybe I need to see if there are similarities.

Thank you. I have friends I can speak to but I tend to avoid talking about relationship issues. He is sensitive about his disorder and doesn’t want people to know what he is.
I don’t tell my family about any worries because they tend to just blame me for things by default.

Ok I just want to say you are so aware.your very brave for going through this.and with what seems a lack of support.
Try and find that friend,they might be better at it than you think or fear.
Keep talking.keep learning but don't forget to try and live.your not your disorder.dont let tryingvto figure it out ruin every second.try and start filling the day with things you enjoy.find your you! It helps so much.the illness isn't then all consuming to your days.and you can start to really handle it because you've got the breather bits surrounding it.
You suffer from an illness but it is not all you are.this weekend try listing maybe some to dos.or things you love in life.sounds small and silly but it's just reminders of what important and good in your life.
Maybe try a few things.even if it's taking a towel and a book to the park to sit.
What do u enjoy op?

Thank you so much. Yes I have some insight into my own way of thinking, but I obviously still make poor decisions and choices because I don’t trust myself. Maybe he is one of these bad choices.
I’ll focus on my homework and will try to be objective. It’s harder when we spend time together though.

We can be here too if that helps.as a sounding board and many of us have experience in what your going through either personal or with a loved one.so we can be that rational head you might need.
Keep learning those tools to trust yourself.and ok,if you can't,if this is one symrim and thing in life therefore u need more help with so be it.many illness make the sufferer have or need more help in certain areas of their lives.mental illness should be no different.
Do you think by what you said lastly,that you at least need a break from him.if being with him keeps bringing you back to turmoil and uncertainty and unhappiness is it worth it.is being with him making you happy?

Thank you.
I think it will help me to have a sounding board but I guess I need to figure out the rest myself because otherwise I’d be questioning my decisions in no time. My head is a bit complicated sometimes, sorry 😂

I have realised that I am very very focussed on keeping him happy and that I might be measuring my self worth on this. I am not sure entirely sure of it though. He doesn’t do the same for me, but becomes an “enabling force” when I get paralysed and withdraw from people and tasks that overwhelm me. Since that is what I need at the time I am as grateful but I wonder what will happen should he withdraw that help.

I know this sounds like I am an idiot but it’s just what I feel now. It feels strange not talking to him about my thoughts because I usually do.

Cpuld it be a go looks circle though.either he knows you can only come to him to getbyou out of your tough days and so continues to behave in that way,encourages the isolation and push and pull tactic.
Or it's just occurring any way because you always go to him when you feel this way.
Instead a way forward might be to learn how to do it yourself of with other support systems.then you might see whether him and you is problematic.thwre won't always then be that need to keep on his good side so that when your shit days come he still supports you. Because if you work on yourself and your confidence.if you get some good support and techniques you can find new ways. And it won't have the other stuff attached to it.you might find that really empowering and freeing.at least better able to look t the relationship objectively.

Hi OP I won’t repeat what others have said but noticed people mostly comment on NPD. I think ASPD is relatively unusual. In my field I see a lot of BPD but only ever one person with ASPD and I’m afraid he was quite dangerous. Granted it’s not all the ‘horror move’ stuff but it can be very difficult to form a friendship and relationship with someone with ASPD and I think because of the way your BPD manifests itself (very open and emotive) I think you may both just find this too challenging. You may find yourself more easily manipulated because of your nature.

Your therapist might be a good person to talk to? Are you seeing a psychologist? Maybe ask for some good materials about your partners condition that could aid your understanding and help you make some decisions.

This.really well put

Hello and thank you for your message.
Yes my therapist said that we both have specific needs which appear to be met at the moment, but that we are really more different than similar.

I have a history to “please” because I want to be loved and accepted, and she said by nature, and not through his fault, he cannot do this. I know he can’t because he has admitted the same to me but he gets frustrated and keeps asking questions. That’s usually when he angrily bursts out that he isn’t even human and exactly I want from him. I feel sorry then and try to comfort him, and get more drawn to him.

I have been asked to reflect on things to see how much control he has over me in our relationship, and what things I do for him which I wouldn’t have done for others. There are things. And he doesn’t like it and argues if I disagree. I guess a degree of that is normal but I have noticed some areas where I think he is crossing a line but I am not sure yet.

There are 2 of us in this and if I went along with things then I have to carry some blame too.

I only see a psychiatrist for reviews, and he doesn’t seem particularly interested and just wants to sign off my continued medication. I have no real personal connection with him but I like my therapist because I don’t feel judged.

We had a fight about boundaries and we definitely have a problem…
I’m still upset and he is ignoring me :(
Can’t wait for my next session with my therapist even though it will be embarrassing. I’m really scared of things changing now

Don't be embarrassed, you've nothing to feel embarrassed about.

I really do feel that you can do a lot better than this though @Firekitten - him ignoring you just isn't on.

Of course I am embarrassed. I absolutely hate being ignored and I stress a lot then. And he knows that.
Im just annoyed at myself for letting it affect me.