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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long should a telling off be?

84 replies

Moomoola · 08/06/2022 22:47

Aand another thread about husbands shouting. Dh came I in a good mood and joined in with me and the teens, chatting. He’d bought the teens a treat and all was good, until..I mentioned we’d got some diy building stuff delivered and I’d moved one bit but left the rest ( in plastic) on the grass. I couldn’t lift it, and it actually did not occur to me to seperate the pieces and unpack them. What was I thinking? Dh went mad, as it got rained on.understandably, but I just think he goes mad for too long. The kids can hear him yelling at me, which can’t be good, and even though I say ‘ that’s enough I get it’ he is like Victorian dad..’ why would you do that? You don’t care about money, is that it? I just want to know why you didn’t move it. Why didn’t the delivery man move it?’ On and on. My anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t help thinking it’s ok to be cross, but not to go on asking stupid questions. Of course I didn’t deliberately leave it out because I don’t care about money. He’s the one that spends the stuff.
sorry, just shocked at how I feel now. I feel anxious, battered ( mentally) and I can feel another notch in my carefully built self esteem crumbling away to be replaced by a bit more anxiety. Bum.

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 08/06/2022 22:48

0 secs. He is your partner not your Dad.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 08/06/2022 22:50

Obviously he can express his disappointment and I would be very disappointed in this situation. Why didn’t you get the teens to help you move it? Does it need replacing or has he over reacted?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2022 22:51

I can't believe you allow him to treat you that way ever, but when your children can hear? That is so, so damaging to them.

LilyMarshall · 08/06/2022 22:54

He is a twat op. Seriously.

DramaAlpaca · 08/06/2022 22:59

Your DH sounds like my dad when I was growing up. He'd get angry and go on, and on, and on. I think my mother would've identified with your last paragraph. It was horrible for us children too and we've never forgotten it.

As an adult and a parent I know that's not normal and it's not OK. He shouldn't be reacting like that. Can you talk to him about how it makes you feel?

Manova14 · 08/06/2022 23:05

0 seconds.
That's berating, and it's abusive. You're an adult, you don't get "told off", you are meant to be equal partners. I bet he wouldn't do this to someone at work. He'd be in massive shit if he did. It's unacceptable in a marriage. The word "battered " is very apt.

Oh and it's also no way to treat a child either, they don't learn from it because they're completely terrified.

NovelFarmer · 08/06/2022 23:10

Never. My DH seriously never criticises me and I don’t criticise him.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/06/2022 23:46

My DP is like yours. I told my GP the shouting was affecting my MH. I gave her a couple of examples and she told me it was domestic abuse and offered to refer me to Women's Aid. I now have a Women's Aid outreach worker who recommended a book to me which I am finding very illuminating:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=mpssa111?crid=3H6BLZ5G8TUXY&keywords=living+with+the+dominator+pat+craven&qid=1654728310&sprefix=living+with+thr+do%2Caps%2C237&sr=8-1

Moomoola · 08/06/2022 23:48

Thanks everyone. I know I should have moved it and no it’s not ruined. Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me I could open it up and bring each bit in. Or get kids to help. Just thought, it’s huge and heavy. I don’t seem to think clearly. So he has a point. I think I have a point too. He yelled a lot when the kids were little and it massively dented my confidence and made me feel depressed and useless. At bedtime I offered to get him something which he ignored, or was asleep or didn’t hear me ( watching laptop) . He did say he needs a shirt for the morning Now he’s going back to the office he waits till bedtime to announce he wants a shirt ironing. I’d tell him to stuff it but he will say’get a full time job’ I am looking atm. Cannot WAIT to work full time, certainly he’ll have a shock!

OP posts:
Moomoola · 08/06/2022 23:52

Hi dizzydizzydizzy funny enough I just bought that book for dds friend. I will read it first! I am wondering if he is abusive, especially after watching dr ramani etc on you tube. I’m sorry you are going through this, and very glad you are getting help.

OP posts:
Shedcity · 08/06/2022 23:53

Thought you were going to say he tells your teens off for too long
not you!
so 0 seconds

I was going to say but maybe he’s stressed about money and it’s hard if he’s paying for stuff and you don’t value it
but then I read the rest of your updates about you ironing shirts and him yelling at you and denting your confidence and now I think this just sounds like a hot mess
definitely worth looking at womens aid, even just to gain some confidence in speaking to him and telling him you don’t want to be spoken to like that (assuming it’s safe to do so)

VI0LET · 08/06/2022 23:54

It won’t change when you get a full-time job. He will just say “ You still have to be my servant because you don’t earn as much as me“.

And then when you earn as much as him he will say “You still have to be my servant because my job is more tiring/responsible/important“ .

WombatNo12 · 08/06/2022 23:55

My dad was like this. It was a distinct lack of respect & was horrible to watch as a kid.

I can be a bit like this but I recognise it as abusive now. We discuss it as we know why...see above. It's not good for your DC.

WombatNo12 · 08/06/2022 23:56

Don't be ironing that shirt.

IodineQueen · 08/06/2022 23:58

Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me I could open it up and bring each bit in.

Probably because you’re mentally battered! I’m not surprised you can’t think clearly at the moment. Who does he think he is speaking to you like that? How dare he. If it was so important he should have dealt with it himself. I’m sure he gets everything right 100% of the time Hmm

he wants a shirt ironing

Of course he does. What else does he make you do?

Please talk to Women’s Aid before he robs any more of your self esteem and mental health. Has he ever been violent?

DarkCharlotte · 09/06/2022 00:03

He shouldn't go on for so long and he shouldn't be yelling at you, but he's allowed to be pissed off with you. I'd probably be asking my DH similar questions and it would be obvious I was fucked off with him, but I wouldn't yell.

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/06/2022 00:16

Hi @Moomoola your DH sounds very abusive to me. Amazing you already have the book! Pay particular attention to the info on 'King of the Castle'. Good luck. Let me know what you think. And yes I'm sorry you too are
Going through this.

powershowerforanhour · 09/06/2022 00:16

"Now he’s going back to the office he waits till bedtime to announce he wants a shirt ironing. "

Say what now?

Zpoa · 09/06/2022 00:21

He IS abusive OP.

It's fine to say calmly 'couldn't you have moved it' and you say 'yes, sorry I didn't think, shall we do it now' but that should be it. No shouting, no going on and on and no belittling you..

He is abusive and you need some help and support.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/06/2022 06:44

What are you getting out of this relationship with him?.

I hope you did not iron his shirt but it would not surprise me if you did.

Did your dad also treat your mum like you are being treated now?.

He is abusive towards you and in turn your children who are also seeing all this at first hand. Is this really what you also want to teach them about relationships, for them to become abusers or abused themselves in their adult relationships?. This is no legacy to be leaving them.

This is who he is and he will not change. He enjoys the power and control he has over you. Giving you spaghetti head like you have now is par for the course for women on the receiving end of abuse. I would also think he will attempt to stall all your attempts at getting a job outside the home. As the poster Violet indeed writes, "It won’t change when you get a full-time job. He will just say “ You still have to be my servant because you don’t earn as much as me“.
And then when you earn as much as him he will say “You still have to be my servant because my job is more tiring/responsible/important“.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. That is your only real option here going forward.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2022 06:49

That shirt would have been placed out on the lawn in the rain

Nobody should be “telling you off”. He is verbally abusive and your teens are learning that this is normal.

LilyMarshall · 09/06/2022 06:50

He did say he needs a shirt for the morning Now he’s going back to the office he waits till bedtime to announce he wants a shirt ironing. I’d tell him to stuff it but he will say’get a full time job’ I am looking atm. Cannot WAIT to work full time, certainly he’ll have a shock!

it will be you who gets the shock op, becUse he arill wont iron his shirts or do anything in the house he thinksnare beneath him. Youll be working full-time and doing everything at home.

WalkerWalking · 09/06/2022 06:56

You're in a no-win situation OP. You didn't know what was in the package without opening it. If you'd opened the plastic and then realised that you still couldn't carry it, then it really would have been ruined by the rain. As it was, it was perfectly safe and dry inside the plastic, right?

No one's perfect. He's allowed to express frustration (I know I've "had a go" at my husband when he's sent the kids to school without lunch or something). But it's not OK to go on and on and ON about it.

Also, my husband honestly doesn't understand that I'm not as strong as him at lifting/carrying- I'm generally quite fit and healthy, and he's not a body builder or anything ! In some ways I'm just as strong as him, but in this specific way I'm not even close. So a job that would be a bit of a pain for him is one that I just can't attempt.

LolaandTim · 09/06/2022 07:01

I get that he's upset but it's disproportionate! He needs to learn to step away, let the emotions settle and then speak to you. It doesn't matter who is in the right or wrong.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 09/06/2022 07:17

Tell him to iron his own shirt and gain some fucking respect for you while he's there.

What a prick.