How long should a telling off be?

[Moomoola]

Aand another thread about husbands shouting. Dh came I in a good mood and joined in with me and the teens, chatting. He’d bought the teens a treat and all was good, until..I mentioned we’d got some diy building stuff delivered and I’d moved one bit but left the rest ( in plastic) on the grass. I couldn’t lift it, and it actually did not occur to me to seperate the pieces and unpack them. What was I thinking? Dh went mad, as it got rained on.understandably, but I just think he goes mad for too long. The kids can hear him yelling at me, which can’t be good, and even though I say ‘ that’s enough I get it’ he is like Victorian dad..’ why would you do that? You don’t care about money, is that it? I just want to know why you didn’t move it. Why didn’t the delivery man move it?’ On and on. My anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t help thinking it’s ok to be cross, but not to go on asking stupid questions. Of course I didn’t deliberately leave it out because I don’t care about money. He’s the one that spends the stuff.
sorry, just shocked at how I feel now. I feel anxious, battered ( mentally) and I can feel another notch in my carefully built self esteem crumbling away to be replaced by a bit more anxiety. Bum.

Your dc will grow up thinking this is acceptable and it really isn't . My DH has never shouted at me . And why would you do a favour for someone who had just spoke to you like crap ?!

My ex used to scream and shout at me for the smallest of things, most of the time out of my control.

My now partner has never once got angry or raised his voice at me.

Its not normal, it’s abusive and no one should have to deal with that. You shouldn’t be walking around on egg shells, feeling anxious in your own home.

My last telling off was 2.5 hours.

Youch changedtwxt I’ve been there, sympathise. When kids were we we had a weekend in a nice place, he yelled the entire time because dds swimsuit was a little bit small.
suddenly remembering quite a lot!
last night he chats to dd but when we are alone says,‘I spent all day thinking of how x helped us with the diy, but you couldn’t be bothered to put the stuff away and left it in the rain’.
this has left me confused. Admit to feeling anxious about his return from work, suspect a blow up is due. When he said this I couldn’t believe he was still going on. I explained why - I moved one that was seperate, didn’t occur to me to unpack others and move them separately. I know it’s stupid, but it just didn’t.
I scarpered as soon as I’d explained.
this morning ( we sleep separately, we wake each other up) I took him a coffee and I’m always greeted with a groan, or a face about the day to come. Never a happy,’ooh thanks!’
im reading another thread about the chap that yelled when she took him dancing and I’m thinking, oh. He locked the car doors once while he yelled at me. Years ago he punched a hole in the wall because I’d taken kids for pizza and spent his money while he had to work.
it sounds awful but it’s very spread out, and he hasn’t yelled for years.
Thanks for your replies.

And no, I didn’t iron the shirt!

I’ve also just read that other thread. You’re in the same situation. You’re being abused.
Its not about the packages on the lawn. Even if you’d brought them in there would still be something. Abusers always find something you’ve done wrong. You can’t even take a cup of coffee into him with getting a hard time.
Its no way to live (for you). Think hard about next steps and whether you want this to be your life.

I bet things will just keep coming to you.

He's abusive & controlling. He's got you where he wants you.

i would have probably said something a bit snappy like 'couldn't you have brought that in?' And when you said it was too heavy, I'd have said something like 'well it wouldn't have been if you'd taken them out of the plastic! 🙄🙄rolled my eyes a bit. & got on with moving them. Not 'told you off' and not gone on & on & on.

As for the shirt. WTAF??? Did you really not iron it or did you just say that here so you didn't get a hard time?

if you really didn't iron it, what happened this morning??

This dreadful situation/tension/atmosphere is no good for you and no hood for your kids. Don't fool yourself that they don't notice or that it's only occasionally. It's not. They'll know only too well that he has no respect for you. They'll hate his attitude, but they'll hate you just taking it too.

Personally, I'd be making an appointment with a Very Good Divorce Solicitor. I know it's hard, I'm sure he's got you thinking you couldn't cope without him, but you'll be amazed what you can do once you move longer live in fear of his disapproval & 'telling offs'

🌸

The more you post the more abusive he sounds. My late husband berated our DDs - never did it to me, he wouldn't have dared, but when I intervened I always got told I was 'undermining' him. With hindsight I should have ended things long before I did, would have saved us all a lot of heartache. It isn't acceptable behaviour and it needs to stop permanently.

He shouldn’t be telling you off like a child; he’s aggressive and abusive towards you

Just as a contrast, if I make my husband dinner or a tea then he always says thank you or he says I’m lovely. He always appreciates me and that’s how it should be

Thanks guys. Thanks june.thats the sort of reaction I’d expect too.

I am worried about the kids, and me. Its dawning on me that I’ve spent years hoping it will get better..it is it’s fine! ..oh no it’s not…It’s not a nasty atmosphere, as such. usually Dh makes an effort when the kids are there . Well, he scrolls phone while we all watch Sherlock. I did notice the other day he was out and we had a lovely time and he came in and joined in and it was nice( till the diy incident !)

Oh it’s so mixed up. I think it’s when he is stressed or worried and obviously expensive diy stuff doesn’t help.

today after I took him coffee, ( and got a woe is me grunt) conversation has been
him..‘I’m going to the dentist today’ ( sad face
me, oh great, when are you going? What are you having done etc.
Him all woe is me..’just a filling I hope. what are you doing today?’ ( immediately I’m anxious.)

me ..I’m going to work!

him..you need to get a proper job.why can’t you. It’s the lowest unemployment levels for years.

me..I’m trying! I’m in the middle of a job applications which is for x’

him..You need a job or a plan. This can’t go on. You need to be a teacher.’

so now I’m getting ready and instead of being all excited and confident, I feel worthless and ugly. Also it’s not going so well. The boss is very definite about what she wants but not so great at explaining that, or I think I’m just not putting enough time and thought into it. Also other employees are all 20 and I’m 50, which is doing me no good. Esp. When she gushes about x ‘who is only 21!’

just got in from my job with the shopping and I was greeted with a cheery,’the kids are home! I made them hotdogs! It’s too windy for pizza, I think we’ll have Korean chicken.
me- we’ll see, that’s a lot of work. This x is easy
Him -Yes, they like that, you make the sauce. Dd is all keen to go to college and get a job. How many hours is your part time job then. Will you get more? Maybe an extra week here and there? Thats not a proper job it won’t make a difference to our situation. You need to get a proper job, you need to get a plan, or you’re going to have to work in tescos.

I feel all peculiar and I don’t know why. He is wfh. And has a very difficult job. Obviously I need/want to work. Obviously he has all the financial anxiety. I don’t know why I still don’t have a job. I tried to do be a teacher but that wasn’t good enough at the time. Before he said tescos was no good. It was taking the easy way out. Apparently I say, I’ll work in tescos so that he says don’t ( or some such ) Im very confused. I was going to finish applications this afternoon and now I feel all weepy and down and peculiar.

junejubilee have just read king of the castle. The post war propaganda thing is crazy! He’s not sooo bad as that, but he doesn’t do any housework. Because he works. He is very messy though.He has pulled himself back together after a very stressful time and sees me as swanning about. I don’t think I do. But I am so over housework.

Now I’m writing job apps ( well I’m not, I’m writing far too much here) and he’s come up all jolly and said can I help him with the diy. I did say look it up, I’m job hunting and he said he’s finished work. So off I go then.

I’m sorry for rambling just trying to make sense. I’m like a moth going back to the flame. Does it hurt? Ouch! Yes!

Or rather, does it hurt? Ouch! Oh no I don’t think so.

I feel frazzled just reading that... Please consider whether you should stay in this marriage. I think your performance and focus at work would be sooooo much better if you didn't have this man in your life!

Thanks, sorry. Was just a bit all over the place.

Personally, I’m not at all interested in hearing what your vile husband says or thinks. Inflicting an anusive house on kids is inexcusable. Are your kids in therapy? If not, that’ll need sorted.

*abusive

I was made to endure an abusive house as a kid, I cannot forgive my mother for not bothering to give me a non traumatic childhood, I suffer every day because of her. That’s why I’m trying to get you to prioritise your kids. You have a choice, they don’t. Educate yourself on childhood trauma. Navel gaze about your shit bloke on your own time.

Too windy for pizza?

So sorry you're going through this op, but I think you're realising that you are living with an abusive man, and this is really damaging for you and your children.

The simple answer to your initial question (as others have said) is - your husband shouldn't EVER 'tell you off'. He isn't your dad or your boss. You aren't a naughty child to be berated and put in her place. A couple is a meeting of 2 equal adults, both with the same right to an opinion, to airing their feelings and to making decisions. He is not superior to you. He is not better than you. He doesn't have a greater value than you.

He acts as though he is better though. And he's done a great job of convincing you of it. Know this - you are worth more than this. You are worthy of respect and kindness and love.

Even if you could have brought in the DIY stuff, nothing was damaged so no damage done. And even if it had been damaged that doesn't warrant a 'telling off'. As PP have said, this isn't really about the DIY stiff though. He came home with the intention of shouting at you and he found his excuse and went with it. He is abusive. He is a bully. He doesn't respect you or all you do for the family. You deserve better. So do your children.

And I'm so pleased you didn't iron the shirt. Well done.

In recent times I accidentally left the keys in car ignition causing the battery to die and costing us a couple of hundred pounds. I got a driving ticket. I once left the hob on and shorted the house. I left a car unlocked and sat nab got nicked. I have been yelled at 0 times because I'm an adult.

Getting a job is not easy when you're a certain age as I've found out. Leaving materials wrapped in plastic was the sensible thing to do. Your problems seem to go a lot deeper with this sorry excuse of a human being. He's an abusive bastard and he wouldn't behave like this towards another man. You should have caved his head in with the iron, cheeky bastard.

Ok so a few things jump out from your examples:

1. You are letting him dictate what kind of job you get. If you want to be a teacher, go be a teacher. If you want to work in Tesco, go work in Tesco. If you want to do something else, do that! It's your life not his. When you get to 80, will you say to yourself, "I'm so glad I spent the best years of my life doing what DH told me to do?" (BTW the best years of your life are always right now because none of us have a time machine).


2. He doesn't want you to actually get any job at all and he is likely to sabotage it if or when you do, because he wants to keep you on your knees. This might include making shitty comments about the new job or constantly throwing up "reasonable-sounding" barriers to you actually doing the new job. "Will it be too far to drive?" "How will you handle hypothetical made-up unlikely situation X,Y or Z?" "Well I don't think you can cope with a job like that, you can't even be bothered to pick up my delivery from the garden." (Ok, this point is speculation based on experience)


3. You seem to think you need to be beholden to him. You are giving him too much power. How much power is too much power? Any (unless that's a consensual relationship dynamic in which case it should be making you feel good about yourself not systematically eroding your self-esteem and making you anxious).


4. If the roles were reversed, and you were doing the "big important WFH job" and he was doing yours, and all the house stuff you do, would you speak to him the way he speaks to you? Would you constantly rub his face in any little mistake he made? No? See this is what I mean about giving him too much power. You are equals in a relationship.


5. You are letting him dictate how you spend your free time. Obviously his is completely sacred and he couldn't possibly spend a couple of minutes ironing a shirt so he steals your time and energy from you by telling you to do it instead. Would you do that to him? Is this fair or unfair?


6. I get the impression you think this is normal. What was your own parents' relationship like? Were they strict with you growing up? Did you go to an especially strict school where the teachers shouted? Where do you think this fear of letting people down comes from? Has it all stemmed from your DH doing this to you for years or did you inherit a bad relationship model from somewhere and he's taking advantage of that?


7. You can't reason with people like this. Personally I wouldn't try and pull him up on it because he'll just deflect to some random thing he's decided you haven't done. Rest assured he pulls these out of his arse and specifically looks for them to make himself feel good by scoring points at your detriment. You are not incompetent, you are not a bad wife or mother. I'm terribly sorry to tell you the problem here is you've married an arsehole.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Thanks Spohn, I will. it’s very, very useful to know what is acceptable. I think having kids confused me. autienotnaughty thanks, this is the sort of stuff I do too! Thank you peekaboo this is a very useful list, 1 and 2: , it’s subtly difficult to do stuff. a few times I’ve been offered a job and he’s said stuff like it doesn’t pay enough for the travel cost. I had to put my foot down to take this part time job.3: how am I giving him power? ( I have started walking away when he goes on, I don’t answer stupid questions, ( which I now think are strategic incompetence) and I don’t iron bloody shirts at midnight!) 5: I am guilty of not reserving free time. 6. Mum and dad pretty normal I guess. Tho not so sure now. His parents are nuts, his mum did all the home while dad yelled.
sorry to waffle on. Read living with the dominator and whydoeshedo that, but they all seem so extreme. I think he resents me for not working. it will change when I get a job, tho not so sure now!
lots to consider, thank you

@Moomoola, How old are you and your children?

You are walking on eggshells. I think you are conditioned to him that you assume it's more normal. I remember seeing an interaction between a family member and his wife and realised I could never have had that. Often it takes times to wake up to reality of your life. When you start to enforce boundaries his behaviour may escalate, just be aware.

Another useful book to read is Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship". It helps to explain the power dynamic.

Thanks. We are all ancient, I’m 56 and kids are 17 and I think I’ve been well and truly sucked in. Nothing is that bad if you see what I mean. I seem to have lost my glow though. But can’t blame everything on him, he is doing his best at a hard job. Looked up Patricia Evans "the verbally abusive relationship. It’s on the open library openlibrary.org/search?q=Patricia+Evans+%22the+verbally+abusive+relationship&mode=everything
if anyone else is interested.
thank you

Gosh I’m a moany old bag. Sorry all! Sunny day, coffee ( brought by Dh! ) am going to make a nice breakfast while Dh is in a meeting. I will mull though. Lots to consider. No idea how to move forward. But I need to or I will stay stuck. I suspect I’ve put various habits in place too which are not helping me. Thank you.