How long should a telling off be?

[Moomoola]

Aand another thread about husbands shouting. Dh came I in a good mood and joined in with me and the teens, chatting. He’d bought the teens a treat and all was good, until..I mentioned we’d got some diy building stuff delivered and I’d moved one bit but left the rest ( in plastic) on the grass. I couldn’t lift it, and it actually did not occur to me to seperate the pieces and unpack them. What was I thinking? Dh went mad, as it got rained on.understandably, but I just think he goes mad for too long. The kids can hear him yelling at me, which can’t be good, and even though I say ‘ that’s enough I get it’ he is like Victorian dad..’ why would you do that? You don’t care about money, is that it? I just want to know why you didn’t move it. Why didn’t the delivery man move it?’ On and on. My anxiety goes through the roof. I can’t help thinking it’s ok to be cross, but not to go on asking stupid questions. Of course I didn’t deliberately leave it out because I don’t care about money. He’s the one that spends the stuff.
sorry, just shocked at how I feel now. I feel anxious, battered ( mentally) and I can feel another notch in my carefully built self esteem crumbling away to be replaced by a bit more anxiety. Bum.

He is in his right to be frustrated. I would be if DH say something I had ordered outside and just left it there in the rain to be ruined. I would be cross too.

But one has to handle and manage their emotions in a way that isn't taking it out on the other. I can express my frustration but if I raise my voice at DH or name call or demean or get very critical or bring other things into it - that isn't fair.

And no one should treat their spouse like a child or talk to tell them off in front of the kids or act like they aren't an equal adult. Any man or woman who doesn't respect their spouse and treat them that way is in the wrong.

I remember the first time that I screwed something up with dh, and braced myself for the telling off that didn’t come. It was a complete revelation to me - I had no idea that it was even possible to have that kind of control over your emotions and responses.

That moment, for me, was life changing. I’ve tried to repay him with similar kindness when he fucks up, and I discovered in that moment a different way to interact with my dc.

My upbringing and conditioning had prepared me to put up with abuse, to feel I deserved what I got, that I’d brought it on myself.

I thought dh was some kind of strange aberration but actually he’s just a decent human. I was just incredibly lucky to meet him.

Otherwise I’d be perpetuating the cycle and my dc would be growing up thinking that it’s ok to lash out if you’re angry/stressed/provoked.

It’s not. But we are so vulnerable to these people if we haven’t learned that.

Thanks everyone. Sorry is this bad? If it’s a crap post, please skip. I feel wierd anyway.
today..he asks if x is included in the diy kit. I say yes, he says ‘no it won’t be.’
why ask me then?

he derides me thinking about what to defrost for dinner. I’m suddenly very much cba about dinner.

he asked me to look up if x is in the shop and as I’m seeing if a y might be helpful, he says to ds,‘come on before mummy makes us buy more silly things’

I’m very awkward like I want to defend myself but don’t want to cause an atmosphere in front of ds. I’m super confused at how to behave, Is this him being a twit or me being over sensitive?
I’m wondering how to bring it up.
sorry to witter on. Yesterday we all did diy together and it was nice. I can only think somethings going on because I said I’m busy today ? ( housework and job apps).

It’s not a crap post. And you don’t need to apologise for posting on your own thread.

Its not him being a twit. And it’s not you being over sensitive.

Its him being nasty and abusive.

I don’t think there is any point in your bringing it up. It’s not as if he is going to

listen to you
respect your right to feel upset about how he talks to you
apologise
stop doing it

He knows exactly what he is doing and he’s NOT going to stop. This is who he is. You can’t change him, you can only decide if you want to stay and put up with this for the next 40 years or go.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Thanks. Need to hear it to knock some sense into me.

You sound very ground down by it op

It's him setting up a conversation he can use to knock you down. Classic tactic of the experienced emotional abuser.

My husband is the same, losing his temper. I have pulled him up on it many times.
Yesterday, was the biscuit. I was in my car driving when I said "I was tired". He replies at the top of his voice shouting in temper "I know your tired" losing it at the same time. I replied who the hell do you think your talking too.
Our daughter (22) listening to this in the back.
We went food shopping just a few things. He looks at me as much to say your going to buy (I normally do, however not this time)..He had to pay in disgust.
We got home, I said do not speak to me like that again specially in front of our daughter ! He replies with an answer to say it was my fault for him having ago...No, I did not ask for that. I am slowly giving up on my relationship !

Oh fifi, that doesn’t sound very nice. It’s very hard to maintain loving feelings for someone who tells you off . Especially constantly. Big supportive hugs.

I imagine it isn't the first time OP has done something like this tbh. If it was a man that had left it to get soaked on the grass you'd all be calling him incompetent.

It gets to a point where the drip, drip, drip from someone that's meant to be an equally intelligent human being becomes intolerable and you start to resent them. That frustration and resentment normally comes out as berrating, because to be honest, it's exhausting living with someone who's stragtegically incompetent and it hinders almost everything you want or need to do in every day life/responsibilities.

*I'm not saying he's not an arse, he clearly is. But if OP gets this response frequently, I'd be wondering if she has form for poor decisions.

This is your DH?! I have never been told off by mine.

My parents never spoke to me like that when I was a child so I wouldn't put up with it as an adult

why would you do that? You don’t care about money, is that it? I just want to know why you didn’t move it. Why didn’t the delivery man move it?’

He shouldn't yell and he shouldn't go on and on, but I don't see anything wrong with asking you these questions. I'd be asking my DH the same thing if he did it.

The "you don't care about money is that it?" I would ask if this isn't the first time something that cost money has been potentially ruined.

Of course if it's just a one time accident I'd probably just go "grrr, you really should have brought it in" and been pissed off but wouldn't have gone on. If it's a build up of multiple things then I could understand him blowing a fuse a bit and going on with the questions, but yelling is never ok.

Hi happypussadpus. Thanks for this, yes I do daft things sometimes, but I didn’t think I was strategically incompetent. Maybe I am. We both do stupid things sometimes. I think what I’m trying to work out is what is a reasonable response. E,g if Dh gets lost in the car, I’ll help him find the way, I wouldn’t shout. I no longer drive with him in the car as he can’t do this.
Thanks Livpool, and everyone else for letting me know you don’t get told off by your dhs.

Sorry ranting. He said it had all been ruined. It hadn’t. Not in tha slightest. He made sly comments in front of our friend, who tactfully ignored. I feel like I’m all curled up inside. Need to uncurl and be strong!

This is gaslighting, pure and simple. He's driving you out of your mind, literally. You're walking on eggshells, you've lost all sense of yourself and you've lost confidence to the extent that you're stuffing up on simple tasks, which starts the whole cycle over again.

It's not acceptable and it is abusive.

Your first step should be to get a ft job because that will give you a little financial independence. Doesn't matter what it is, stop trying to find the perfect role that will grant you respect in your husband's eyes, because that role doesn't exist.

Then get some counselling - in fact, get some counselling first, don't tell him about it, just do it.

Then LTB and watch your life change.

(To answer your initial question, if I'd left some stuff on the grass my DH would have said 'MaChien, you total plum sack, the stuff is getting wet, come on and help me move it.')

Oh machien your Dh sounds lovely. A total plum sack did make me laugh. And just asking to help him move it? What, not hours of going on? Thank you. Your first para, well all of them have made me think. I think I do actually walk in little egg shells. I’ve given up my interests as he hasn’t been too encouraging..though he thinks that he has.

He needs you to be stupid and wrong as that is the only way he can feel clever and right, because he is a pathetic inadequate bully.

It's not your fault he is like this and not your fault you have been sucked into allowing it. You probably respected his opinion when you fell in love and agreed to marry him.

But he deserves zero respect from you now,as that is how much he's giving you. This must be so distressing for your dc/s. Or do they think this is how women should be treated???

I have no practical advice as I have no experience of being in your position. Though I did witness my father treating my mother like this sometimes. It means I hear contempt in DHs voice when there is none, and I get snappy and upset. 40 years after I left home.

Thanks valeriedoonican I do worry what it’s done to the kids. I’ve seen divorces where the kids get destroyed, I don’t want that.

OP, have you read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft?

Also, I am sorry to say, but your husband is clearly abusive. He won't change either. Eventually he treat the kids just the same and it will affect them for life.

Thanks. Oh this is crap. He’s not so bad, I mean he’s not abusive abusive like in Bancroft book, just a bit ..it’s like he does some of the things, but it’s on a mild level? Maybe we are not that compatible.
things just..put me off? Yesterday he’s got time between meetings for a quickie ‘ because I’m bored’ ( said as a joke tbf) and holds his arms wide and I’m supposed to stop what I’m doing and go to him. Just couldn’t. Still feeling sensitive about the telling off, and I could do with some cuddles and giggles.
I’ll quit moaning and find some legal advice. Agh. Big step.

moomoola, what % of shit would you tolerate in an otherwise delicious sandwich? That would be zero, am I right? It's the same with your husband. Any degree of abusive behaviour is too much and is not to be tolerated. Always remember that what your husband does to you is your children's model for their future relationships.

Lost your glow? I'd say you've lost your glow along with most of your self esteem after spending years living with this. You don't know which way is up, because that's how he likes it. It's no accident. It enables him to continue with his control and abuse.

If you can't get a bit of perspective for your own sake then maybe for the kids? Yes they have grown up with this as an example of how to treat loved ones/what to accept from people that "love" you, but isn't too late for you to say actually kids, this is not ok with me, it never was and I couldn't see a way out, but now I do. I think you'll be suprised at their reaction, they've witnessed it all over the years and are probably absolutely horrified at the way you're being treated.
If you don't get yourself and them away from this situation, they will never truly understand why you didn't. Ever. Seek advice from Womens Aid, they are really approachable and helpful.

He sounds like a knob.

"Never. My DH seriously never criticises me and I don’t criticise him."

I didn't think that's normal either though.

Dh doesn't really shout. We might argue once or twice a year, but I doubt ds's are traumatised / emotionally hurt by it. I think it's normal to teach ds's that it's ok to occasionally argue, and that people get over it and move on.

I know people who never argue. Many of my friends are completely confrontational avoidance. Their kids can't cope with other peoples raised voices.
Raised voices doesn't bother me. Not unless it gets nasty or crosses a line.

I shout occasionally. Not often. It builds up. I talk and talk, mention and mention, then I find another pile of ironed laundry thrown in a heap and I lose my cool. I shout generally, not at anyone. I wander round the house " I'm fed up of this shit you know, I'm not everyone skivvy incase you hadn't noticed"......
Ds's sit there like mice...

He sounds like my dad.

Great (albeit quite absent) most of the time but then something would anger him and, oh my goodness, he just wouldn’t drop.

It was like a barrage of questions- but WHY did you do that… did you not think to do this instead… who told you you could do that… why were you so foolish..?
He would literally go on for days ruminating over what had happened and repeating questions constantly, totally backing you into a corner, wearing you down so you felt small and stupid.

And the impact would last for months. I remember once I made him a sandwich and it too much butter on the bread. He made a big deal of making me stand by the dustbin while he unassembled the sandwich, took some of the butter off, put it into the bin, remade the sandwich and the whole time asking me why I used that much butter. I was 8.
For months after her bring it up at every opportunity telling me he just didn’t understand why I thought that was a reasonable amount of butter to use. Not in a joking way, anger.

That shit wears you down. Plus, given his reaction to butter, you can probably imagine how he was with big things.

I’m in my 40s now and have a lot of things I won’t do (like eat) or say in front of my father.

In other ways he was great- fantastic provider, always did everything to help his family, but the need for control outdid all the good.

But I got out of that house as soon as I could. Literally, the first man who gave me somewhere else to go, and I was out like a shot. Thankfully, he was a good egg and I didn’t go from a frying pan into a fire but my sister left home for the same reasons as me, and she wasn’t so lucky.

I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and he’s never once told me off. I wouldn’t stand for it.