When do you finally throw in the towel after affair discovery?

[Pickle991]

Discovered DH has had multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage, 6 months ago. We have 3 young DC.

The latest lasted a year and was clearly emotional as well as physical. He ended it, but I had to tell him to, and we are trying to work on the marriage. He is in counselling.

My question is, how long do you carry on trying before you give up? We are still fighting non-stop and it’s been months. Details have emerged about the latest AP over time, he wasn’t entirely upfront from the outset, particularly in regards to how he felt about her.

I thought I would feel better making sure the OW is off the scene. I don’t. I thought there would be some improvement by now. He thinks we should be moving on but I can’t. I feel like he will have just gotten away with it. We’re not close physically or emotionally. I feel like I will never have definitive answers as to ‘why’ beyond the standard responses, I don’t even think he knows himself half the time. I don’t know if I still love him.

For those who have been through this, when do you throw in the towel? Was there a moment you knew it was definitely ‘over’, after the initial shock and fear wore off? Do you feel like trying to reconcile was just a fantasy? Sometimes I think it’s just not possible.

What healthy signs of reconciliation are or if after this amount of time it’s ‘normal’ to be arguing this much still. I feel like we should have reached at least some kind of level of closure by now

I guess what I don't understand is why on earth you would even want reconciliation with a man who was willing to treat you this way time after time (even if from now on he never did so again- which is very unlikely, especially as you have given him proof that you are willing to let it go). This man does not deserve a second chance (well, really a 6th chance).

Get rid of your DH now.
Life is way too short to put up with bad behaviour.
You deserve better.

Through my own experience after 23 years, ‘leopards don’t change their spots’.

Secretly find a good solicitor, pay cash, and get all the information you will need to protect yourself and your children. Don’t let on what you have done, it will weaken your position.
Copy rent agreements or mortgage, costs and bank accounts etc.being prepared is the best feeling of security. Get counseling for yourself for your self esteem.

If you hadn't found out he would still be with her now. He might have progressed their relationship and be planning to leave you for her. Maybe not. But it would still be happening.

He isn't sorry about his affairs, he's sorry he was caught. Even now you aren't sure he's told you the full truth. So even after you found out he wasn't honest with you. What are the chances he's being fully honest now? Very small.

He's done this multiple times. He's proved beyond any doubt that he can't be trusted. You will know that forever. And the fact he expects you to move on?? I'm flabbergasted that he's so entitled.

I couldn't stay a day longer with someone who shows such scant respect for you, such arrogance, such deceit.

I am at year 7 after an emotional affair when my eldest was 18 months old.

I always said I would never stay with a cheat, but I did. I can’t for the life of me understand why, other than complete lack of self esteem, and total fear.
He never came across as really apologetic, claimed it was nothing and never openly confirmed he cheated until I opened up in counselling a few weeks ago and got my crap together and sat him down to say I wasn’t happy.
I think when you see messages saying “I had very wandering hands” and “lucky I had my bottoms on” whether it was sex or not, it overstepped a mark when you are married.
He didn’t offer to go non contact (apart from at work as they were colleagues) but I told him he had to. Obviously 3 months later I found an email he sent to her saying they should stay in touch!
He had been close to cheating 7 years prior so maybe it’s a 7 year thing? I don’t think he did that time, but it was close and he clearly didn’t hide his attraction to the woman that time as friends of his commented that they could see he really liked her and maybe something could happen if I was kept out of the way.

We are at breaking point now. I have had 7 years of some good times, but have always had how he treated me in the back of my mind. Every time I made a sacrifice for us, every time he was lazy and I picked up the slack, every time he didn’t appreciate effort that I put in, I found myself recalling how I felt back then and that I deserved to be treated well, especially after he cheated, he should have wanted to give as much as I was, it felt like he never did, always taking the easy option and leaving me to do all the hard graft.
I have given him a month to come up with how he feels, what he wants for the future and how he thinks we get there. He needs to have ideas about how we move past this, but I’m not sure it will be enough. I am doing the same and am putting a lot into it (I doubt he will put in much effort) and the more I put in, the more I think I want to separate but am just scared of breaking his heart, even though I am not sure mine has been whole since he cheated.

@layladomino yeah it’s not that he says I should move in so many words but I can tell he is becoming exasperated by the whole thing.

maybe I’m trying to hold onto this bit because even if it’s been absolutely awful, I’m just scared of what comes next. It all just feels so depressing.
he will gradually become less reassuring, things will have to get back to some semblance of ‘normality’ but it will always be on my mind.

I don’t know. Just thought things might feel a bit more hopeful this many months later but I think i was being naive and in denial.

Men like him should not be married.
I really wish I had a better answer for you, but to be honest Only you will really know when you're going to be finally done.

Done with his lying
Done with his deceit
Done with his affairs.
Done with wondering what your actually staying for and if the next affair is the one when he finally leaves you.

The trust between you is gone.
it's sad but he's not respecting the marriage vow's now is he and this is not the first affair either.
He's got a bloody check saying move on.
if you're only staying for the DC thats even sadder they will be picking up on the arguments atmosphere in their home between mum and dad they will remember.

Ask yourself what's stopping you moving forward away from this toxic marriage.

Yeah I'm under no illusion it's going to be hard at first to move on but come on
All the time he has spent away from home and your Young family, fucking around with other people is wrong on so many levels he should have been present for you and the DC. I also imagine that whilst he was off gallivanting you have been left doing most of the graft that comes with having small children anyway.
If you were my daughter I would hope that you would have some professional counselling and I'd be telling you to seek legal advice.

You and your DC deserve a peaceful happy home.

I am a 1 strike & you’re out type person, break the trust & I can’t/won’t move on from that for my own sanity.

please don’t let him do this to you again, more than 1 affair is deliberate disregard.

This thread is so sad. Please don’t stay together for the children, they will resent you for it. You deserve so much better.

@neverfunny thats exactly what I can’t forgive, the people around him who covered the lies that hurt more. I moved past the affair or so I thought, I don’t forgive it at all.

I think YOU just "know". YOU know when it is time for YOU.
When you do, then move on.
You will have days and months and years when you wonder if you made the right decision. But when you know it was based on how you felt, rather than rationalising a decision, you will be fine.
If your question is about other practical things then you need to be and think more practically and actually more financially - as you would do a job or a contract - but then......that was not the question you asked.
I read you question as an equal in a partnership and when do you decide forgiving a transgressions in an marriage....you just don't.

Personally, I "did" for two years. Until I realised I could not change to put up with it. And he could not change to erase the past. Personally, I the future did not matter to me because the damage was done and the only way I could stay was to learn to live with it, and I could not for two years. So I left.

I can tell you how this ends if you stay if you like.

Two ways:

1. It ends with him leaving you some time in the future, usually when the kids are older, your best years are flying away and your sexual bargaining power has waned.

And my god, that is a truly bitter and galling pill to swallow when you have forgiven, and forgiven and forgiven and betrayed yourself by diminishing and making yourself smaller in order to preserve the marriage.

1. He gets someone pregnant. And expects you to let your DCs play happy families with a half sibling and a woman who isn't even a step-mother or a girlfriend.

I understand, I am not sure I could be the one to terminate it if I were in your position either. Especially with young children. I had a messy childhood: I would bend heaven trying to preserve the marriage and I hate uncertainty and insecurity. Then there's finances. The fear is powerful. Tremendous. Huge.

But my words above remain true. Don't let it happen to you. I have seen it sooo many times. It will feel a million times more awful then.

I'm happily reconciled after my husband's affair.

The one thing I've learnt after my own experiences and those of friends I've made along the way, is that everyone's deal breakers are different. I've known couples to come back from serial cheating on one side but all would say it took absolute commitment from the cheat to be a better person. Not many but I have known some. There is no doubt that reconciliation is a huge risk.

The cheat in these cases, showed absolute remorse and worked their socks off to prove themselves worthy of the chance they were being given. They were transparent, honest, went into counselling, read extensively on how to help heal their partner and worked to empathise with their betrayed partner.

When I read your messages I don't see a remorseful husband, I see a husband who wants you to rug sweep, so he doesn't have to face his own shame, guilt and brokenness. Who wants you to swallow it down and not complain. That is not remorse. Regret maybe, but not remorse. Reconciliation is impossible without remorse.

How much has he done other than counselling to learn what you need to heal and how to be a safe partner for you? There are some excellent resources out there, how to help your spouse heal from you affair is a great book. Surviving infidelity and it's forums are fantastic. 'Affair recovery' videos are great.

When I found out about my husbands affair I was told it takes 2-5 years to heal. You only found out six months ago. I was still in shock after six months, I didn't know what was up and what was down.

Right now if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't even be considering reconciliation. I'd sit firmly on the fence and watch his actions. I'd research using the resources above. I would also get my ducks quietly in a row. You don't have to make any decisions and you have a right to walk away from this marriage at any point.

But first you need to heal.

@DysonSphere thank you, I suppose there is fear and uncertainty either way. Trying to keep things together and as some semblance of what they were feels like it’s less uncertain but I guess it’s not.
I’m surprised he didn’t get someone pregnant tbh could easily have happened.

I think we all go through the stage of thinking we’ve ‘won’ but one of my greatest moments of clarity was realizing that all I’d won was the booby prize.

These serial cheaters are a whole different ball game to any other kind and the truth is that it’s really not ‘just’ your children that will be damaged by the goings on it will also be your grandchildren. And I understand that may sound far fetched but it’s exactly what happens because these men don’t stop - they get worse the older they get.

@Pickle991 Yes that is a good way of looking at it. Uncertainty either way. You've actually helped me there, that's a good outlook on life generally. I shall keep it in mind.

I am so sorry you're in this position. It's a real waste, your husband is throwing you away. And his children too. You should tell him that. What more precious things does he have?

You can take your time with any decisions, I definitely agree that you should get some therapy while you're trying to work through all this in your head and also to provide some extrinsic validation of your real worth. Affairs are a cruel blow to the self-esteem.

@Sofacouchboredom thanks for your reply - he doesn’t specifically tell me to ‘get over it’ if that’s what you mean by he doesn’t seem remorseful. Just more he seems to find it difficult, I mean, we both do but it’s his fault. So not much sympathy there.
in many other ways he seems genuinely remorseful. With the exception of not ending it with AP until I made him. I would have thought he’d have done that straight away, and then also trying to protect her.
so just hard to judge.

@EightisEnough yes it’s that kind of feeling that someone has tried to take what you see as ‘yours’, petty as it sounds but the whole thing makes you irrational.
but in reality it’s ridiculous because he might physically still be here but he willingly gave himself to her physically and emotionally, so he’s not really ‘my’ husband anymore anyway. It’s like I don’t know him.

Sorry but I couldn't get past MULTIPLE affairs. I don't think he could possibly love you enough to have multiple affairs. Then you had to TELL him to end the latest one. Definitely deal breakers for me. Every time I looked at him I would feel gutted and I would never, ever trust him for as long as I lived.

@Sunnytwobridges god it’s like I almost forget about the others because I just found out all in one go I was more focused on the most recent.

and there was definite progression as well. Started off with ONS. A couple of longer term but purely sexual, didn’t seem serious. Latest, full blown emotional and physical.

so all his behaviour says he wanted out, and now he’s saying he’s all in? It’s just messing with my head. What has fundamentally changed.

I think sometimes it’s more about trust. Are you ever going to trust him again. Does he respect you? Are you going to believe him when he tells you where he is going? Maybe your not enough for him. Maybe no one will be. Perhaps he shouldn’t be married. If he loves you would he have done it? Emotional affair here we are in counselling and plodding through. I think I’m scared of the future and messing my children up. But pretending everything is fine for the sake of everyone else isn’t great either.

so all his behaviour says he wanted out, and now he’s saying he’s all in? It’s just messing with my head. What has fundamentally changed.

THE MONEY!! what has changed is he's now scared you will get 50% of the house his pension etc etc etc.

god it’s like I almost forget about the others because I just found out all in one go I was more focused on the most recent

I wanted to suggest that to you earlier but I’m waiting on some test results and struggling a bit with gathering my thoughts. It does actually seem to me that you’re not able to process just how many affairs you’re dealing with, that its 5 bombshells one after the other instead of just the one bombshell made up of 5 parts.

I think you need to lay the events out in a linear way and ask yourself what you would have done after each discovery if they’d all come to light one by one with gaps in between each discovery.

He’s all into keeping the equity in the house and half his pension. Their not stupid when it comes to dividing assets.

5 is quite a lot. I think if a friend told you their dh had 5 affairs you wouldn’t blame her for leaving.

god it’s like I almost forget about the others because I just found out all in one go I was more focused on the most recent

I believe 5 affairs is just the tip of the iceberg. Why you're still with him is honestly impossible to understand.