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Original poster

When do you finally throw in the towel after affair discovery?

159 replies

Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 12:47

Discovered DH has had multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage, 6 months ago. We have 3 young DC.

The latest lasted a year and was clearly emotional as well as physical. He ended it, but I had to tell him to, and we are trying to work on the marriage. He is in counselling.

My question is, how long do you carry on trying before you give up? We are still fighting non-stop and it’s been months. Details have emerged about the latest AP over time, he wasn’t entirely upfront from the outset, particularly in regards to how he felt about her.

I thought I would feel better making sure the OW is off the scene. I don’t. I thought there would be some improvement by now. He thinks we should be moving on but I can’t. I feel like he will have just gotten away with it. We’re not close physically or emotionally. I feel like I will never have definitive answers as to ‘why’ beyond the standard responses, I don’t even think he knows himself half the time. I don’t know if I still love him.

For those who have been through this, when do you throw in the towel? Was there a moment you knew it was definitely ‘over’, after the initial shock and fear wore off? Do you feel like trying to reconcile was just a fantasy? Sometimes I think it’s just not possible.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 07/06/2022 14:16

Multiple affairs and one lasting a whole year?? bloody hell OP, I'm not sure you could ever get over that or trust this man again. He doesn't even sound sorry, expecting you to just "move on" like he forgot to put the bins out or something.

I haven't been through that fortunately but my mother went through it, she finally ended it because my dad expected sympathy and understanding from her that he was mourning the end of his relationship with the AP.........sick.

Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:17

@Howdydee i think when you find out your confidence takes such a hit that you find yourself behaving in ways that you wouldn’t think normally. That’s understandable. Given it’s been 6 months that’s kind of the point I’m getting to now, like, is this how it’s going to be? In a weird way the fighting and the arguing maintains some kind of connection to each other even if it’s unhealthy, and then I don’t know what there is beyond this. If anything. And how long to stick around to wait and see.
I’m glad you did what was right for you and hopefully you’re much happier now, it seems like you made the right choice!

OP posts:
Clymene · 07/06/2022 14:17

You can't trust him. There's no way he's going to stop having affairs. He'll find someone else the moment he thinks the dust has settled. This is what your married life is.

Why are you staying?

fallfallfall · 07/06/2022 14:21

@Pickle991 he’s a looser he’s a liar and you appear to believe his utter bullshit.
his normal doesn’t involve you or the kids.
nothing is deleted ever.
why are you being such a door mat? Lawyer up.

Mumnetter111 · 07/06/2022 14:21

Trust is really important in relationships. The only way I’ve seen people recover from an affair is when the person was completely honest to the other without them having to find out themselves. Also I think it helps if there’s no kids in the scene or reason you are staying together, you should want the relationship to continue for yourself and not just for your kids. Think if there was no DC would you still see yourself having a long term relationship with him after this if not then I think the relationships probably over.

Howdydee · 07/06/2022 14:22

It's the frog in the pan of boiling water analogy, isn't it - we'd never jump into a simmering pot, it just happens unbeknownst to us...

Similarly, in the end my expectations were so low, and he still couldn't meet them. Just know that you don't have to live like this, you always have options. The best thing I ever did was invest in myself with therapy. I still go, and I'm still uncovering shit. You don't have to make a decision about your marriage yet, but really try and discover what's going on with you, do therapy as a first step.

Ellie56 · 07/06/2022 14:24

When do you finally throw in the towel after affair discovery?

It doesn't really matter when anybody else finally put an end to everything as everyone is different.

But from your post you have clearly already reached the point of no return. Multiple affairs? Stop wasting your time with this lying cheating scumbag and dump him. You deserve so much better than him.

Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:28

@Mumnetter111 thats the thing, it’s not like he came clean and came to the realisation himself so everything is going to feel a bit like too little too late and as though it’s only because he got caught.

so hard imagining if we would be together without DC, if we didn’t, I think it would be an easy decision but not something you can just ignore.

OP posts:
Karatema · 07/06/2022 14:28

Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:13

@RhiRhi1996 yes that’s the thing. Multiple affairs can’t be a ‘mistake’ can they?

and no he didn’t block her. He deleted everything straight away, any evidence, her contact details from his phone. All of it.

If he hasn't blocked her, how do you trust him not to receive a text and so will have her details again?

dotdotdotdash · 07/06/2022 14:32

Sorry you are going through this 💐The brilliant Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast episode this week is about why people have affairs. You might find some insight in there.

D0lphine · 07/06/2022 14:32

Are you in couples counselling OP?

What is his explanation for his hideous behaviour?

Honestly, after multiple affairs, one lasting a year, it would be over. But that's me.

Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:33

@Karatema I kind of wanted to know if she would get back in touch (she hasn’t and I do have sight of everything as much as I can do)

I mean deleting doesn’t mean anything anyway, he could have the details saved elsewhere, it was more he deleted everything to make sure I didn’t see anything or to protect her, I’m not sure. But no the point is he didn’t offer to block her or to end it before I said so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:35

@D0lphine no just him at the moment but considering it. He says it was because he was unhappy with himself, lack of intimacy with us, stress, none of it is an excuse and he does recognise that.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 07/06/2022 14:37

@Pickle991 ignor??? you are teaching the children it’s perfectly fine to lie, cheat, steal. Put the health of those you love at risk. It’s okay to get walked on, lied to used and abused.
HE discarded his marriage vows he is not committed to anyone but his dick in someone else.

justamushypea · 07/06/2022 14:44

I think you know the answer to this though don't you. You don't need anyone here to validate it for you.

As for your dc, they will adapt to a new situation and most likely will benefit from seeing their Mum happy and confident again. Remember they will watch your relationship and mimic it when they are older.

I really feel for you, it's a horrible situation. I've been there and now remarried to a wonderful trustworthy man who would never ever hurt me like that. (My ex however is still cheating his way through all his relationships and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake)

D0lphine · 07/06/2022 14:44

Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:35

@D0lphine no just him at the moment but considering it. He says it was because he was unhappy with himself, lack of intimacy with us, stress, none of it is an excuse and he does recognise that.

Why don't you go together and see how it goes? Maybe get your own sessions too? I know it's pricy but cheaper than divorce!!!

fallfallfall · 07/06/2022 14:50

@D0lphine the man is a serial liar!! Why on earth would you bother to go to counseling with him?? What a stupid idea, HE will not do anything but deflect blame to the OP and leave her totally eroded of any self worth.

Stillfunny · 07/06/2022 14:54

My situation was similar to @Howdydee . I was wondering WTF was wrong with him , cold , silent , remote .Worried about his mental health, wanted to leave him but felt guilty . Turns out he has a whole secret life with his secret phone. Anything went , including Grindr. We were married 30 years and I agreed to go to counselling in an effort to see if I could cope . Even there he didn't tell the whole truth . Then he expected me to get over it , move on and never mention it .
But you know what, everytime I looked at him , I hated him especially for the way he saw me struggle to help him and he sat back and let me. Stuck with him during Covid as he had nowhere to go . Again, everything was a trigger for either my anger or upset . A film , a comment , looking at him sitting on his arse on the couch with seemingly no remorse at all. Made me sick.
He has gone put of the house now. I am still not over the shock and the grief of the loss of the life I thought I had. But I am much older than you and my options are limited.
I would advise you to not waste any more of your life with him . You and your kids deserve better and will be OK without him. He is a liar , a cheater ,disrespectful of his family and will never be anything else.
Best 0f luck to you .It is a hard journey , but you can do it . You deserve so much more

IssaBaby · 07/06/2022 14:56

We’re not close physically or emotionally

This is where you throw the towel in. This isn't a relationship anymore.
Good luck OP

Irishfarmer · 07/06/2022 14:57

"details have emerged about the latest AP over time," what's an AP?

He has had multiple affairs, I think he will wait until the waters are calm and do it again. I think my towel would be incinerated by now

Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:58

@IssaBaby this is the thing, I don’t know if that’s to be expected or if there should be at least some positive signs at this stage, 6 months in…

I thought knowing it was definitely over with the latest AP would help but it hasn’t really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickle991 · 07/06/2022 14:59

@Irishfarmer affair partner! Sorry

OP posts:
Strawberriesaregreat · 07/06/2022 14:59

You don't need counselling for yourself OP. You just need to get rid. He's not going to change and you'll always be wondering 8f he's cheating on you.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/06/2022 15:00

Your marriage is over, op. All you're doing is delaying the inevitable. Your husband has absolutely no respect for you and he will cheat again. That's just who he is.

Mama05070704 · 07/06/2022 15:02

@Pickle991 it was one affair over a period of months. My partner did end it before I found out and has said he deeply regrets it but in all honesty, once they’ve lied and deceived you to that extent, any apology and expression of regret doesn’t go very far.