When do you finally throw in the towel after affair discovery?

[Pickle991]

Discovered DH has had multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage, 6 months ago. We have 3 young DC.

The latest lasted a year and was clearly emotional as well as physical. He ended it, but I had to tell him to, and we are trying to work on the marriage. He is in counselling.

My question is, how long do you carry on trying before you give up? We are still fighting non-stop and it’s been months. Details have emerged about the latest AP over time, he wasn’t entirely upfront from the outset, particularly in regards to how he felt about her.

I thought I would feel better making sure the OW is off the scene. I don’t. I thought there would be some improvement by now. He thinks we should be moving on but I can’t. I feel like he will have just gotten away with it. We’re not close physically or emotionally. I feel like I will never have definitive answers as to ‘why’ beyond the standard responses, I don’t even think he knows himself half the time. I don’t know if I still love him.

For those who have been through this, when do you throw in the towel? Was there a moment you knew it was definitely ‘over’, after the initial shock and fear wore off? Do you feel like trying to reconcile was just a fantasy? Sometimes I think it’s just not possible.

I thought there had been two but I couldn’t work out the timeline. But now you’ve said there has been 5. We have a lot in common though by the time I ended my marriage the number had risen and the mess had become bigger in other ways also.

Can I ask what you are hoping for from this thread and if you really do want to give your marriage another go.

@EightisEnough just to see when others who have been through something similar knew it wasn’t worth pursuing reconciliation. If there was something in particular that gave them hope things could improve, or vice versa.

some people say I haven’t given it enough time. Some people say I’ve given it too much. But they haven’t been through it.

so officially we are trying to ‘reconcile’ but it’s been half a year and not much ‘reconciling’ happening yet! Mostly fighting. And slow discovery of the truth.

@Ucantkeepmedown I'm really sorry for all you're going through. I personally found anger really hard, I still do. I'm a people pleaser and an avoidant 😀 In the end, I just wanted and needed peace. I couldn't live on the edge anymore, on high alert, always waiting for things to change and being perpetually disappointed. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Whatever is going on for you, I wish you strength and peace. You will do what you need to do, when you're ready to do it.

I stayed OP and it's 6 years, it was an emotional thing only as far as I know and happened around 10 years before over a year and I found out quite by chance as found stuff in a drawer he had written about it ( very upsetting to read) This is a long marriage and All I can say is it's possible to get beyond it as a one off but I've never felt quite the same about him if I'm very honest- multiple times- no way!!

Five??!!! I can't believe you are giving this selfish, duplicitous cheat the time of day, never mind houseroom! What would he need to do to make you dump him?

So 6 months down the line your life and your dcs life is still miserable...
Why do you want to prolong the agony??
Who is telling you its not enough time?? Anyone real that you can see really has your best interests at heart ? Or would rather not deal with a rocked boat...

I cannot fathom ever saying to someone i loved that this miserable life for themselves and their children is a good idea...
He does not care about you....and will cheat again.....

Please get your own counselling you sound like you need the support to help clarify your thinking/direction..

@Fairislefandango I know. I found out about all of them in one go, when I found out about the most recent it all came out.

hard to process it all.

How could you ever trust him again? What would 'improvement' look like? I fear that what improvement really means in practice is you agreeing to what he wants - i.e. shutting up about his affairs because it makes him feel uncomfortable if you bring it up. So instead you get to spend the rest of your married life feeling uncomfortable (because of the constant doubt in the back of your mind, and guilt at your justifiably suspicious thoughts). But as long as he gets to have everything 'back to normal' eh?

@Fairislefandango agreed, well that was partly why I was posting, as I don’t know if things should have improved by now or what that looks like, because I knew it wouldn’t be easy trying to make it work. If that’s even possible. What healthy signs of reconciliation are or if after this amount of time it’s ‘normal’ to be arguing this much still.
I feel like we should have reached at least some kind of level of closure by now as I know everything I’m going to. He is doing and saying the right things. But it does all feel hopeless at times.

I have written before in reply to similar posts. A friend of mine was in a similar position, although not multiple affairs. She was in shock but tried to work through it. He was contrite and recognised the total loss of trust but he wanted to stay with her.

Five years on she threw in the towel. He hadn't cheated again to her knowledge but she just said that five years in the lack of trust was still there and she couldn't forget it. She recalled it daily. She took a brave step and ended it. He was devastated , shocked etc. However, she stuck to her guns, divorced and has now remarried very happily. Her massive regret is the five years she wasted

Frankly multiple affairs, you would have to be a doormat to him to try and work that through as it is inevitable he will cheat again

Long post, sorry.

When this happened to me a number of years ago, it took nearly 2 years before I walked away.

I found out 6 months after the physical affair ended (there had been some other online/emotional ones along the way too), then spent months going through every emotion, asking question after question, checking his phone, reading their text conversations, looking at photos of them together. Getting every single detail out of him. I thought that honesty and openness was necessary to be able to forgive and move on.

But after 6 months, he started getting annoyed at my questions and moods. "It was over a year ago! I have been nothing but honest and good to you since! How long am I going to be punished for? I know I did a bad thing and I'm SORRY!" A year for him, yes, but it was still too new and recent for me, and I resented the hell out of being made to feel bad for still being upset about it. I resented the pressure to get over it. I resented him making me feel guilty for making him feel guilty. I was so angry.

We'd have some great times, and then something would trigger me and put me right back. Up and down. I did believe him that he was sorry it happened, I did believe him when he said that he wouldn't do it again, I did believe him that it wasn't worth the hurt it caused. But we fought so much. Both wanting the other to understand. I felt like he didn't understand how much this had fucked me up. He felt I didn't believe how sorry he was. A lot of talking, but no listening. On and on and on.

Another year later, I wasn't bothered anymore. Not by the affair and not by him. He was happy and content that everything was fine, but it was only because I had stopped caring. I think my mind had just gradually shut down because I wasn't allowed the time to get over it at my own pace, and because I was tired of the fighting.

Another 6 months later, I was just done. My birthday was coming, and I decided I'd rather not start another year with someone I didn't love. Ending it was still hard, though. I didn't blame it on the affair because it wasn't even that at this stage. It was the aftermath of it, and really he just wasn't the man I had thought he was.

@Sunflowergirl1 thank you - that is a long time! I don’t know if time ever repairs trust. I obviously don’t want to feel like a doormat but I feel I owe it to my DC to try, but don’t want to make things worse if things aren’t improving. It’s just knowing when to call it.

im glad to hear your friend is so much happier.

@Pickle991 he's lied to you HOURLY for years if not decades. He’s stolen time and money from your family DAILY.
there’s no restitution at this point.
why are you being so weak?
unbeknown to you, your marriage has long been dead, your fantasy can not be revived or reworked.
please explain your reluctance to step forward and start an honest life, instead of enabling this waste of space.
the past 15 years has all been fake.

@BadNomad thank you - that’s exactly it, we just don’t understand each other’s position fully and probably never will. There will always be part of him and his life I won’t have access to or know about, so we will never regain the same intimacy.

I didn’t see the communications between him and the most recent AP because he deleted everything when I found out. I don’t know if it would have helped me or hurt me more. But I do know there were strong feelings there.

I know given we’re fighting we’re not indifferent, I’m still furious, it’s confronting the uncertainty of what comes next. As I said, whilst we’re still fighting we’re still engaging but I don’t see what’s beyond this. Or if it will even feel real or just a pretence

@BadNomad and presumably he ended the affair then before you found out? So I’m his mind it had been over for a while, but of course it was new to you!

I discovered DH’s so they were very much still into each other to say the least, and only ended it after discovery because I insisted if he wanted to stay.

look, after so many affairs and so many years he's clearly not respectful of you of the children.
his biggest concern after several years of marriage will be financial.
6 months and i can assure you he's seen a lawyer and he is or has gotten his ducks in a row.
14 months from now you will be finding out the financial implications of your being so agreeable.

@Pickle991 seeing the messages helped me in some ways because my mind would have gone insane otherwise. I was "lucky" in that he never badmouthed me to her. Just told her we weren't getting on anymore (what he didn't explain was that I was grieving the death of my mother, so wasn't emotionally available to anyone at that moment in time). And she was very insecure about me. They would fight too. That pleased me. Fuck her. But I do think part of still trying to save the relationship was me wanting to "win" vs her, which is embarrassing to admit.

For you, he needs to let it happen. He needs to accept your anger and not defend himself. He's seeing himself as a victim now because in his opinion he is doing everything right and it's you who keeps bringing it up. He just wants everything to be normal and happy, and it is you who is preventing that. He is an idiot.

I think you both need to accept it can't ever be like it was before. Grieve for the loss of that relationship, then figure out what this new relationship will look like. Then you can decide if that is good enough for you.

You've got it completely the wrong way round.

You don't owe it to your children to try, you owe it to them to show the importance of self-worth and respect within relationships and leave FOR them, not in spite of them. He isn't sorry, and this is not behaviour your children should be witness to.

@BadNomad no I get that, it’s a bit shameful to admit but that’s partly how I feel, that him staying with me rather than leaving to be with her was somehow ‘winning’ or that it would give me closure that it ended, but it hasn’t, because he didn’t end it because he wanted to, and then I found out later.

So I still wonder if it weren’t for the DC, house etc etc he would want her over me. If he’s staying for the right reasons. And in all honesty as time goes on it doesn’t feel that much like winning.

She was part of a hobby group him and I were a part of, but I had stopped going to for a while. I found out about her while they were still carrying on, but he convinced me it was just inappropriate flirting and texting, which he then ended and left the hobby group. Then a few months later, her and I got invited to something by joint friends without realising the other was going to be there. She told me they'd been physical. I confronted him about it and he admitted it and cried and said he'd really wanted to tell me but he saw how badly I took it when I thought it was just flirting and he knew I would leave him. 🙄

It takes a while to get to the truth with these men.

He’s cheated multiple times. He does not give a fuck about you or the children.
If he does then why now? Why suddenly want to fix it?
He risked his family on multiple occasions, got found out and now thinks that talking to someone will fix it. He should have spoken to his wife.

Sorry @Pickle991 I’m angry on your behalf.
Only you can decide what to do but he isn’t the man that you fell in love with.

@TabithaTittlemouse no need to be sorry I’m obviously furious too, I’m just trying to find the best way through this and if anyone had had a similar experience and how they found it.

You “won” the booby prize, op

A serial cheater with no respect for you. It’s just a matter of time really until the next OW, or the one after that, tips him over enough to leave his comfortable home and doormat wife

and won’t you feel worthless when he does that ? Take control, op. End this sham of a marriage, he sees you as nothing better than child care and keeper of the home fires while he has his fun elsewhere

I ended it as soon as I found out. We had had our ups and our downs but cheating was a hard line for me, there was no way back. Best thing that ever happened to me, though at the time it felt like a bereavement. Like you have mentioned up thread, I thought marriage was supposed to be hard work, it wasn’t easy and this was just life with young kids.

I rebuilt my life, met a wonderful man and realised what a good relationship actually looks like! Together for 7 years now, we got married last year.

You don’t have to grin and bear it for the kids, for the house or because you’re scared. Life will be so much better on the other side!

I think a lot of the time it is just an insecurity/ego thing. Especially with chronic cheats. The attention from other women makes them feel good. They get all caught up in a fantasy in their heads. Then reality hits them. But unless they address whatever is lacking in them that drives them to seek attention from others they will just keep on doing it.

Now, I can honestly say I don't feel like I won. But it did feel good to be the one to end it in the end. Powerful really.