When do you finally throw in the towel after affair discovery?

[Pickle991]

Discovered DH has had multiple affairs throughout our 10 year marriage, 6 months ago. We have 3 young DC.

The latest lasted a year and was clearly emotional as well as physical. He ended it, but I had to tell him to, and we are trying to work on the marriage. He is in counselling.

My question is, how long do you carry on trying before you give up? We are still fighting non-stop and it’s been months. Details have emerged about the latest AP over time, he wasn’t entirely upfront from the outset, particularly in regards to how he felt about her.

I thought I would feel better making sure the OW is off the scene. I don’t. I thought there would be some improvement by now. He thinks we should be moving on but I can’t. I feel like he will have just gotten away with it. We’re not close physically or emotionally. I feel like I will never have definitive answers as to ‘why’ beyond the standard responses, I don’t even think he knows himself half the time. I don’t know if I still love him.

For those who have been through this, when do you throw in the towel? Was there a moment you knew it was definitely ‘over’, after the initial shock and fear wore off? Do you feel like trying to reconcile was just a fantasy? Sometimes I think it’s just not possible.

@Pickle991 thanks for the explanation. I can only imagine how crap this all is right now but I think you need to leave him. A one night stand I could possibly forgive but multiple affairs, one lasting a year. Not a hope! He only ended it because you found out. He will 100% do it again

@Mama05070704 exactly, if they don’t come clean as well I don’t think it says much about wanting to work on the marriage. Like it’s only because they got caught and feel like they have to.

I just don’t know how long to wait to see if things get better, websites say it can take 2 years. But what are the markers that there is hope? Just don’t know. Signs not looking good right now.

Sometimes counselling can help you arrive at the conclusion that you know in your heart already.

Agree best thing is to leave but If OP is not ready to make that decision, at least counselling will give her space and time to think and talk about how she feels.

@D0lphine i agree, it does also help to know how other people have gotten through it or have been through the same thing, as counselling can help but they can’t personally relate.

Take it from someone who was married to a serial adulterer--he will do it again. And again. And again.
Leave.

Stumbled on for 1 horrific year, during which time I caught him out in lie after lie while more details (and women) emerged. Wish I had had the guts to end it immediately after discovering the first. Would have saved a lot more heartache (and the decimation of my self confidence!) I would never, EVER forgive any infidelity again, not a ONS, or full
blown affair. It’s not worth what it it doesn’t to you as a person, I turned into a suspicious, jealous, miserable version of myself, and waking up to that was the final straw, so I ended it completely.

However, this was a boyfriend, not husband and he wasn’t my DC’s dad. So you me situation is different to mine, I appreciate.

Very sorry you’re going through this x

When your kids are grown up they aren’t going to thank you for staying. You see it on here all the time, tales of children whose parents stayed together despite multiple affairs and how it screwed up their relationship with their parents. You need to be a role model for your kids.

Multiple affairs, he only thinks about himself. Not you. Not the children.

@TwoBigNoisyBoys thank you - sorry you’ve been through it.
he confessed the facts up front about everything but it was details about the nature of the relationship with the most recent that came out over time. He didn’t admit that straight away and I suspect I’ll never know the full extent.

I mean I don’t know if trust can be restored. 6 months in and I still find myself having to check everything.

Adjust your perspective to that of your children.
They need happy parents. Happy parents don't need to be together in the same house.

My DP is NC with his mum because she had various affairs and rather than split, his parents tried to make things work each time.
Had they split after her first affair, Co parented and just focused on him and his siblings, he would have seen past her misgivings towards his dad. Except all he saw for 5 solid years was arguments, tears behind closed doors, more accusations of affairs, a very angry father who was hurt and turned depressed, and a mother who used children as a weapon. 5 solid years of pain, walking on eggshells and a horrible atmosphere at home. It damaged his childhood enough for him to

Very very very few marriages can survive AN affair.
Multiple affairs, and a relationship with zero closeness, is disastrous and the impact on your children could be irreversible. The cheater is only causing more damage by wanting to stay. Don't let him. Please leave. And show your kids that a relationship is based on love and respect. And a ride or die for each other kinda attitude. Not this.

I think you just need to try and visualise the end point here. The options are:-

1. Back to how it was before - this one is impossible. So scratch it
2. At a level where you trust that he won't do it again - is that actually possible?
3. Separation - imo the only sure fire guarantee that he won't cheat again because he can't.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz i don’t think that 100% I would be able to trust he wouldn’t do it again. Big show of allowing me access to everything now but tbf I had access to his phone before and I never suspected because he was so good at covering his tracks.

By staying each time he does it you are teaching him that it’s ok to do it again. Not that he’ll need much encouragement from you to actually go out and do it again because being a serial cheat is how he’s wired. It’s him through and through. You will become a shadow of your former self and this will even impact on the kind of mother you are. You’ll all end up as collateral damage and the longer you take to leave the longer it will take for you to repair yourself and your children. He meanwhile will just get on with life as before.

Why are you even trying to make it work?
Genuine question as he's behaved appallingly and you can't have any trust left after multiple betrayals.

@spagbog5 15 years together and 3 kids I guess. And this is what I’m wondering, if it’s just panic and the desire to make the pain stop, carry on as before, try and ‘move past it’ when really that is impossible and after this long it’s starting to sink in, but I know recovery can take a long time, I just don’t know if there should be more hope for it or more encouraging signs, given we are still at loggerheads.

@EightisEnough i found out about all in one go. I didn’t stay after the previous, but it was the details about the most recent that I discovered via ‘trickle-truth’

I tried for 4 yrs, I'm broken inside and out. I wish you well be if I could turn back time (I hate Cher) I'd absolutely quit the marriage and walk away with the clothes on my back and children by my side. It's been mental torture and I wish that on no one!

I’m sorry. I’m really confused by the timeline. But the bottom line is that the only thing that matters is that he’s had two affairs. And there will be more in future. Because the men that go in for multiple affairs really do have something wrong with them. You might even get to the stage with him that he’ll have 3 of you on the go at the one time because the chances are high that one affair at a time actually won’t be enough for him. I kid you not.

We went to couples counselling for 3 months and it helped me work out that I wanted my marriage to end. He was still minimising and evasive and couldn't really show ge was sorry. I just realised I didn't love or respect him anymore and was no longer responsible for his happiness. It came as a complete shock to him,

You do you now. He doesn't sound like he's worth keeping.

@Pickle991
I get that you are frightened to end it because of children and 15 years but the sad truth is that he isn't the man you thought he was for all that time or the partner you deserve.
You deserve to be loved and cherished not to spend the rest of your life feeling inferior as he's treated you and his children so appallingly.
I'm so sorry how he has behaved to you all .

Multiple affairs and you had to tell him to end it? I'd say you've given it a good go staying for 6 months but it's just not going to work. I found about ex's 18 month plus affair and he had no drive re ending it or being honest with me or making any changes at all. I stayed for 3 months just building up to leaving (had a 6 month old when I found out). During that time he kept seeing her and barely even bothered hiding it. I do honestly think at this point you are throwing good time after bad. And if there IS a chance you could give things another go together then a separation and starting from scratch could be the best way to see if there is still something there worth saving. Also, at the moment he faces no real consequence to what he has done - not good for you or him.

It was less than ten minutes for me.

Think you are flogging a dead horse op.

I am where you are right now, after the 3rd discovery, I can tell you that only when he owns all of his behaviors, understands all of the 'Why's' and puts in that intensive work- will you ever be able to fully recover,
Telling you what you want to hear, doing the bare minimum of counselling is not nearly enough. If there are no longstanding serious consequences then it will happen again.
So this time I told people, everyone infact. Friends, Family, I put it on the internet. Our work colleagues, Managers, they all know. and in the past 10 days since doing so, I've never seen him do so much - more than the past 2 years.
I've sat back and watched, with zero input from me because to be honest I care very little there is no way back.
I'm really sorry you are going through this and I promise you are far stronger than you realise, you will pull strength from places you didn't know you had, you deserve a love that doesn't out you through this pain.

@Workawayxx I’m sorry. So awful when your baby was still so young. The selfishness is unreal.

and DH has stopped seeing the most recent (the others were years ago) seems to want to make changes… now! But yes I did have to tell him to end it.

@tabletipper yes friends and family know… third time?? Are you ending it now? I found out about all in one go. There were five. That I know of. Some longer term. A couple of ONS. The latest emotional and well as physical.

all bases covered really!! 🙄

Love it You have just put my entire story into words !!

I need a stark reality check and some anger to come so I can be like you. I am so lost in my emotions