What do you say when your wife says she does not love you anymore

[Gutted75]

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, but together for almost 30. We have 3 grown up sons who all live at home.
As I have gotten older I have put some weight on and this has led to less intimate moments with my wife.
I still fancy her and love to get up close, but with getting older, my weight gain and her menopause I have reduced the intimate moments (stupidly) as I thought that was what she may have wanted.
We get along really well, we laugh and generally have good times, so I felt like I was kidney punched when she made her announcement.
She wants to separate, not divorce, to allow her the time to see how she feels and find out why she is unhappy...... what do I do?

Give her what she wants.... Will she be moving out ?

You need to accept how she feels and agree the separation - which should also mean her leaving the family home, because the physical separation from each other is crucial in processing whether she misses having you in her life and deciding whether the problems are something which can be worked through. You can’t do that whilst you’re still under each other’s feet in the same house basically going about daily life the same way you have been for years anyway.

Has she expressed this as being about your weight gain and the lack of sex? If not, I wouldn’t alight on those things and bury your head in the sand about it being something else entirely. Agree to take some space for a designated period of time, and then get together for a proper sit down about what that space has meant for each of you.

She has been honest with you that she’s unhappy, however hard this must have been to hear. Who stopped the intimate moments, both of you? Has this been a sexless marriage for a long time, not many relationships can survive without intimate moments unless you’re both on the same page.

Yes....

Obviously I don't want her to as I have read far too much stuff about whoever moves out does not come back.
I had not realised that she was unhappy, my failing I know, but this all seems so final. No warning shots, just 'I need some space'

I’m sorry to hear this, it must’ve been awful to hear. My stbexh said a similar thing, and hinted at separating rather than divorcing. I think that when someone says they don’t love you there’s no way back and they suggest separating to soften the blow even though they have no intention of getting back with you. I think it’s quite selfish for her to punch you in the gut (metaphorically) and then say she needs to think about what she wants - as if you’re a passive observer with no say in the matter.

if you’re like me you’ll be desperate to please them, make them see sense, have some kind of realisation about what they’re going to lose. Unfortunately the pick me dance doesn’t work as it just makes you look desperate.

So my advice would be to take control and assume you’re getting a divorce. Get your finances in order. Do things for you - hobbies, gym, reconnect with old friends etc.

Also, and this is hard, remember she is no longer your best friend. Don’t confide in her, find a new friend or vent here. Assuming there’s no back story (ie she hasn’t been complaining about being unhappy for years) she doesn’t deserve friendship from you.

Weight, lack of intimacy was mentioned alongside the basic feeling of being unhappy. Sex life was always regular until I gained some weight and she started the menopause, just coincidental timing, but it slowed us both down as I thought it was the right thing to do.
I love her will everything that I am and have and am working hard on the weight thing, whether its too late or not. Shopping/cleaning/cooking and social life and always been shared, holidays, walks, similar TV shows and music are all common between us and even the little things have been shared well.
We have space and as far as I knew all was well......

She has another week until she moves out....

Should I try to stop that? What can I do, I am at my wits end?

Has she said its becauseof sex or are you assuming?

For example i have friends who split up. If ypu listen to the man its because he put weight on, she lost weight and lost interest in him.

if you listen to her, she suddenly fell into a career after having done dead end jobs whilst bringing up the kids for years. She ended up being really good at it and in a high paid job. Doing that brought her into contact with different people to their usual social circle with a different outlook on life. She realised there were lots of things she wanted to try but her husband wouldnt because he had become very set in his ways and old before his time

So basically not about sex at all and not really anyones fault just one person changing and the other not. But its possible the husband could have stayed married if he had properly heard what his wife was asking him and not assumed what the problem was. Not that he has to change at all, its just he missed h8s opportunity if he was willing to try.

So unless she has specifically said its lack of intimacy i wouldnt jump to that conclusion. But you also need to decide if your wife seperares and then comes back and says 'if you do x then I will be happy' whether you wpuld be willing to do x. Im all for compromise within relationships but make sure you dont end up with moving goalposts

Sorry i crossposted you have already answered this

It might not even the weight or the menopause. 30 years is a long time and people change and outgrow each other.

Not much you can do apart from accept it and let her go.
Stay amicable for the sake of the children and your shared history💐

Give her what she wants, you’ve been together a long time and she probably feels like she might be missing out on something. Let her go for it, give it 6 months and she will be back, the men left in the dating pool are complete cast offs or shit partners, she’ll soon discover this.

Why would she want to separate rather than divorce......she has been honest enough to say what she did, why wouldn't she just say the d word?

Is it to try and let me down gently?

I am hoping that it is genuinely an opportunity for her to take 'stock' of her feelings and maybe we can rekindle it....
I just don't know what I am supposed to do.

She is/was my bestfriend, I don't know how I deal with that either :(

Do your sons know @Gutted75

I struggle with that thought.....

Should I try to stop that? What can I do, I am at my wits end?
no you cannot do this.

Is it to try and let me down gently?

Probably yes, divorce is no fault now, so unfortunately I think you wife has checked out, and is looking to build a new life, maybe this is good time for you take stock and speak to a solicitor about your options, especially if your sons are now grown.
sorry but your wife will probably have been planning this for some while.

Lots of other online sites suggest what you have, I was in the Army so being apart for 6 months is something we have done on numerous occasions, but this would be completely different.
The separation bit is what scares me the most

Yes and they are all completely gutted.
I have told them that as young men, they need to support their mum and not take any sides here......

You can only let her do what she wants to do. You can't physically stop her, and if you tried to stop her that would drive a greater wedge.

Regarding separation, it could be that she is letting you down gently, yes. Alternatively it could be that she genuinely is uncertain how she feels and needs space to work it out.

Have you asked why she has jumped straight to separating without discussing her unhappiness earlier?

I suspect the separation is letting you down gently in part and also because it’s such a major decision. If a spouse does something terrible eg adultery then divorce is natural step. If it’s just general unhappiness then it’s a huge decision.
Have you told your wife what you’ve put here. Maybe write a letter saying what you’ve said here and making it clear that you would like to remain married and you are willing to work at things eg counselling if she wants.

If it feels very out of the blue for you it must be such a terrible shock. Sorry if I missed it but did she actually say she doesn't love you anymore or was it more of a just needing time and space to think? You say you used to spend big blocks apart, are you now retired? The shock of having a partner around more than usual is common in retirement.

It's so painful when these things are one sided.

Obviously it’s come as a huge shock to you but I wonder if that’s the issue. She’s been unhappy for a time and you’ve not seen it. It might be a build up over time or it might be something that’s triggered it eg health scare, have you retired from army etc.

I’m in you situation, but I’m the wife who wants to leave.

We have been together a long time, we have a grown up child who has moved out. I was a military wife so had to be a stay at home mother for much of our marriage. My husband was typical for a man of his age, and I did all the home stuff, child rearing, admin, cooking, laundry, cleaning and mental load. But since we have both retired, I am still expected to do all this. Any requests for help are taken as nagging, argued about or ignored. He doesn’t listen to me, or take on board when I try to tell him my feelings. I feel under valued and unappreciated. I feel that his wants and needs always take priority. He’s agreed that he’s been a bully. He overrides my feelings and railroads me into things I don’t want to do.

We haven’t had sex for years, but the lack of sex is the least of my problems with him.

He really doesn’t get it and thinks he’s a good guy and a wonderful husband.

Heres the thing. Since my menopause I have lost my caring and nurturing instincts. I believe women are hardwired to care for their babies, and men get taken care of by their wives. I’m fed up that my thoughts are so often about him. Did he take a key, is there enough milk, tea, electric etc in the house. Does he remember his dentist/doctors appointment etc etc etc etc. I’m just fed up it all. You mention you have three grown up sons in the house. That’s a lot of men. Please look very hard at your own and their behaviour.

I am a shell of the person I used to be. I used to be a funny, spirited, woman in my 20’s I want to see if she still exists. I have been subsumed by my husbands personality.

This is just my individual situation, but please look hard at you and your sons. I don’t feel I want to leave, I feel I need to escape.

I was going to ask if she has always ‘looked after you’ OP. But I’m not totally sure many men could even understand the meaning of that to answer it honestly.

I think men usually leave for another woman. And women leave for peace and quiet and to not have to run around after anyone anymore. Overly simplistic but not without truth. Men have no clue how much we facilitate their lives.

OP I'm sorry to hear this. Please read this book, I think it will help you, especially if you work through the exercises at the end (and perhaps invite her to do the same if she wants to):

www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Relationships-Through-Ending/dp/157324547X

Have any of her behaviours changed? Is it possible she has already had her head turned?

My wife has always looked after us all. We help when asked but it wasn't until I left the Army that I realised what there is to do at home to keep it right.
Has she always been the one that has done our admin, yes, but since I now work from home I have taking a lot of that burden away.
Our sons are 20 and 22 and are not the young loving mummy's boys they used to be and I know that made my wife sad.
I thought I listened and could read 'the room' to talk and discuss our lives and my wife's feelings, but clearly not as much or as well I should have.
Intimacy is just at the top of my mind as it is the one thing that has changed quite dramatically over some time, but again my thoughts were weight and menopause.
Our friends think we are great together and maybe that has been a reason for me to think all was well, without really seeing the bigger picture, but what do I do to make her feel better and more happy.....its a million dollar question