What do you say when your wife says she does not love you anymore

[Gutted75]

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, but together for almost 30. We have 3 grown up sons who all live at home.
As I have gotten older I have put some weight on and this has led to less intimate moments with my wife.
I still fancy her and love to get up close, but with getting older, my weight gain and her menopause I have reduced the intimate moments (stupidly) as I thought that was what she may have wanted.
We get along really well, we laugh and generally have good times, so I felt like I was kidney punched when she made her announcement.
She wants to separate, not divorce, to allow her the time to see how she feels and find out why she is unhappy...... what do I do?

I think you can accept it whilst still also saying you love her, don't want her to go, and are genuinely serious about working through whatever the issues are if that's what she wants to do, and mean it.
But then once you've said your piece I'd keep out of her way until she moves out.
Agree what communication is allowed over a couple of weeks and see what happens.

Can’t make someone love you (or stay in love with you)

Accept it and while she is gone work on yourself- not for her but for you

lose weight if you need to - maintain your self respect and don’t chase after her

How awful for you. There isn’t anything you can do to make someone fall back in love with you. If she doesn’t want to be with you, you have no choice in this.

I wouldn’t discount the possibility she has met someone else, and that she wants to separate but not divorce whilst she sees if the grass is greener on the other side.

I think it's natural you want to save your marriage and it's awful for you because, for you, it's out of nowhere.

I think you can suggest couples counseling and say that you're invested in doing anything to make the marriage work and you love her. Once you've said that though you then do need to give her space.

The trouble is that being on her is the opposite of what shes asking for so it'd annoy her. Give her space with the clear message you love her and if she wants to come back she can (assuming that's true).

You need to accept that she wants and needs space. But you could ask her if there is anything that you could do to change her mind. Sadly I think that your marriage is likely over, and I know you don't want to hear that, but you can't keep a marriage going that one partner doesn't want.

@MolliciousIntent I don't think the word to describe the OP is enraged ,I think he's desperately upset .

'Bye, loser,' is a useful phrase. Sod the 'thinking about it' time - see a solicitor.

Op I’m so sorry I can hear how much you want your marriage to work.

The problem is she doesn’t, it’s such a big step to move out, she wouldn’t do it unless she was completely sure. It’s possible she waited until your youngest son moved out and has been feeling like this for years.

I was where you were 3 1/2 years ago and I begged him to stay, I offered to change, go to marriage guidance counselling but he’d already checked out years earlier (so he said) and I also think he may have had his head turned - although I do not believe he had an affair. I appeared needy and desperate and maybe frightened of being alone and people don’t find someone like that attractive.

Has she told you the purpose of the separation? How is she going to think? Is she going to counselling? Are either of you allowed to start dating? In my experience, and years on Mumsnet, people don’t just separate on a whim, they must really believe it’s over.

i think that if she changed her mind now it wouldn’t make you happy. You’d never know if she stuck with you because another man rejected her and you’d never be completely confident that she wouldn’t drop this bombshell again.m

If you are best friends, and open about everything, and you would have noticed if she was unhappy… then you are kidding yourself. Because no one suddenly decides to leave a marriage of 30 years with zero indication that anything is wrong. There would have been some signs, but you didn’t read them correctly. It may have been building for so many years that you never noticed.

The loss of intimacy for me is a key signal here - it sounds like it just faded away and wasn’t openly discussed. Loss of intimacy is a HUGE tell in a marriage. Huge! If you have put on weight, and there are other middle- habits she may have got the ick and not know how to tell you.

It is possible that this was driven by, or has led her to, meet another man. And she needs a break to explore that alternative because she is uncomfortable with infidelity.

Or maybe there is no one, she is just silently fed up and can’t imagine a life growing older with an overweight bloke who doesn’t understand how she feels.

Tell her this: that you are shocked, and desperately sad to realise that she has become so unhappy she wants to leave. Tell her you are deeply sorry you didn’t notice, that she didn’t feel able to talk to you. Tell her, you want her to have the space she needs but more than anything you want to reconcile. Tell her you want to go to counselling together, ask her if she is willing to try.

Meanwhile - work on yourself. Be the guy she wants to come back to. Have some fun yourself - go on a weekend away. Get fit. Learn to cook really well. Redecorate the bedroom or install a jacuzzi in the garden. Streamline your household so everything works like clockwork and if she comes back, she can see you aren’t dependent on her.

So what do I do......she is moving out next week. How am I supposed to act around her? I don't want to lose her in any way shape or form, but if she is thinking like you were, what did you want your man to do?

I just wanted him to let me go @Gutted75 As others have said, this has come out of the blue for you but not for her. This will not have been a knee jerk decision and she's likely been working up to this for a while.

I didn't want him to fight for our marriage - I felt we were way past that. I'd tried to make him listen over the years and he chose not to hear me when I said I was unhappy - by the time I was leaving, I was done. I still cared for him, but I was no longer in love with him and the physical attraction was gone. I couldn't see that coming back and me made me uncomfortable to try.

By all means; ask her to try, ask her to go to counselling but please don't guilt her or heap on pressure because you may damage your relationship further. Who knows, this could be a temporary blip and all might come right if she's given a bit of space but if you make it difficult for her now, that could be the nail in the coffin.

My advice? Let her go. Work on yourself, rebuild your confidence. Focus on you.

Then I don’t think she’s ever coming back. She’s just softening the blow.

I'm sorry - that must be so hard to hear after such a long time together.

Here's what I woudl do if DH said that to me, and our life was in the shape you say yours is in.

I'd take a really hard look at my own life - where I'd got stuck and stale, and I'd start making changes. I'd begin by getting seriously fit - lifting weights, going for walks, runs, cycles, swims, boxing training, yoga, maybe some dance classes (men who can dance are very attractive.)

I wouldn't discuss it much, just start doing it. Start doing some other stuff too - some new hobby or training that you've maybe always been interested in.

If she is just bored and empty-nesty, then the newly energised you might become intriguing to her. And if she genuinely has run her course in your marriage, then you have the bonus of taking better care of yourself in a heartbreaking time, and having new things to distract you.

If she is open to it, you could discuss couples therapy or you could suggest creating bucket lists together and supporting each other in a year of fulfilling as many things from the list as possible. Show her you recognise that life as it has become recently isn't working for either of you and needs a big reboot.

You sound like you love her and I think I would take the risk of saying: life has been mega shit recently with Covid lockdowns, empty nest, struggling with menopause and weight gain. Before we ditch marriage and enter old age without the support of each other and a united family, let's at least have a go at having fun together and shaking things up.

But ultimately, if she wants to go, you are better off building a new life without her or with a new partner, rather than constantly jumping through hoops trying to please someone who isn;t interested.

I just don't understand how just like that it can be done and worse still, almost everyone thinks that it is fine and that people should just separate. I just don't understand why people do not think that trying to fight for your marriage is a good option these days.

You fight for your marriage when there’s will on both sides to do so, she’s told you that for her it’s over - like others I suspect she’s been building up to this for a while now and is done. If you have any love or respect for her, you’ll listen to her and let her go, painful as that is for you.

In my experience women repeatedly say they’re unhappy, try to effect change before they are done, and when they finally say they want out, the man is shocked. You say you’d have known if she was unhappy, but honestly looking at the last few months and years can you say there were no signs? The lack of intimacy sounds like you’ve made assumptions about what she was feeling rather than talking and asking her, are there other areas where you’ve made assumptions without explicitly asking or talking?

Leaving a 30 year marriage is no spur of the moment decision, so you need to respect her wishes even though that’s not what you want. I honestly don’t think she’ll be back, and that’s her right.

I didn't think my response suggested anything other than the love of my life has dropped a bombshell on me......... I haven't and wont blame her and I fully accept I must and do have a full part to play in her being unhappy.
I have always thought that I have listened and that I had a good handle on our relationship, which evidently I didn't.

Did I ask about the lack of intimacy, no and that is another of my failings but our relationship always had the thing that we spoke about every subject quite openly, or so I thought.
Again, no blame shifting here, just an honest 'anonymous' cry for help as I can't/won't speak to anyone close to me.

I am not enraged with anyone honest......I am just struggling to read that everyone has seemed to say 'just give up' and let her go.
She is my world but it's obvious to me now that I should have given more, and maybe it is too late, but I hoped someone had advice as to how I should approach trying to save my marriage without her having to leave.

I fully accept that the majority of advice is to give her what she wants which is time and space, but I just can't bare the thought of her not being my wife, my best friend and my everything........ I don't want to plan for the next stage as I haven't given up on this stage yet

“So my advice would be to take control and assume you’re getting a divorce. Get your finances in order. Do things for you - hobbies, gym, reconnect with old friends etc.

Also, and this is hard, remember she is no longer your best friend. Don’t confide in her, find a new friend or vent here. Assuming there’s no back story (ie she hasn’t been complaining about being unhappy for years) she doesn’t deserve friendship from you.”

^Great advice here. Also don’t move out, she can.

other than physically preventing her leaving you need to give up on this stage. She has told you she is leaving, she has presumably given you a date, she has organised somewhere to go. She is miles ahead of you and you need to catch up. It’s grim but that’s what is happening.

There is no way of saving the relationship that involves her staying. Accept that. If she is being honest she will appreciate that. If space and time are what she needs allow her this whilst rebuilding as so many have suggested. If she is being less than entirely honest it makes no difference she is going anyway and the advice still holds.

You need to listen to what others are saying. You still love her I know but atm she is not your friend so harden your heart and do as so many have suggested. Don’t do the pick me dance. Control what you can. Whatever plays out you’ll be glad you did. You’ll be faking it to start with but keep on going. Good luck.

Whilst I haven't liked reading the majority of these replies I do appreciate that people have given me 2 mins of their time. The large percentage of opinion is the answer I really really didn't want to hear, or accept, but at this moment I am struggling to be the strong man I want to be as my world has caved in.

I am not desperate, but my cry out was because I hoped their would be something I could try that I just hadn't thought about.

I have known this news for a week now and all I have done is replay how I have conducted my self over the 30 years but more so the recent few months/years. I am not perfect, I know that, but I always felt I was in tune with my soul mate. Clearly I have made a huge error and I can only hope that by giving my wife the time she needs, that maybe....just maybe this isn't the end.

I am trying to be strong, I am trying to keep it together and letting her go without a whimper just doesn't seem right, even if it is the right thing....

I am sorry that I have clogged up the timeline.......

Don't apologise. You needed to talk and have as much right as any other poster.

It’s sad but there’s no rule that says you have to love or want to be with someone for the whole of your life. People change. The kindest thing you can do is let her go. You don’t need to try to win her back, just be ready to listen if she’s ever ready to talk. It’s going to be a huge change but change isn’t bad by definition. Focus on looking ahead, setting yourself some goals.

That's what marriage is.

Would she go to couples counselling? It can be helpful to get an idea of what the real problems are as at the moment it seems like you are having to guess. She may just need breathing space (as someone else pointed out, there is a lot of men in the house) but counselling would also give her space to talk about what she wants and needs. I would guess as others have said, there has not been a lot of space for her to do that.

Why are you assuming she will be on the hunt for another man? I haven't been happy in my marriage for some years and often think about being on my own. The last thing I would want is another relationship.

I really wish men wouldn't perpetuate this "fight for her" idea. It's so unhealthy. She's been completely honest and clear that she doesn't love you and doesn't want to be in the relationship any more. "Fighting for her" would therefore simply mean fighting her, and the truth she has told you, and her wish for her life not to have you in it. I'm sorry for you, I know how much it hurts when a relationship ends - but that is what has happened, and you need to accept it.

Gutted. I’m sorry you’re both in this situation.

I think you come across really well and I’d encourage you to say everything you’ve said here to your wife. Perhaps even print off your posts and let her see them if you’re not able to concentrate very well right now. You don’t have to follow her around the house for days reciting them but asking her for half an hour to sit with you and let you tell tell her how you feel will at least mean you know you’ve not let her move out without knowing you want her and hope things can be sorted.

Again, I’m really sorry this is happening to your family. It’s a horrible feeling, terrifying, and I wish you well.

I really wish men wouldn't perpetuate this "fight for her" idea. It's so unhealthy. She's been completely honest and clear that she doesn't love you and doesn't want to be in the relationship any more. "Fighting for her" would therefore simply mean fighting her, and the truth she has told you, and her wish for her life not to have you in it. I'm sorry for you, I know how much it hurts when a relationship ends - but that is what has happened, and you need to accept it.

Really well said. You can tell her you dont want this, offer to work on what she needs, and suggest couples counselling. Apart from that, the most respectful thing you can do is listen and accept what she is saying.