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Original poster

What do you say when your wife says she does not love you anymore

103 replies

Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 11:26

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, but together for almost 30. We have 3 grown up sons who all live at home.
As I have gotten older I have put some weight on and this has led to less intimate moments with my wife.
I still fancy her and love to get up close, but with getting older, my weight gain and her menopause I have reduced the intimate moments (stupidly) as I thought that was what she may have wanted.
We get along really well, we laugh and generally have good times, so I felt like I was kidney punched when she made her announcement.
She wants to separate, not divorce, to allow her the time to see how she feels and find out why she is unhappy...... what do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 12:59

Ropesdope · 06/06/2022 12:56

Have any of her behaviours changed? Is it possible she has already had her head turned?

No, hence it was a huge shock. This thought was always the first that went through my mind and it would be a killing blow.....she has said there is not anyone else and as I love and trust her, I believe her, but........

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/06/2022 13:00

This is incredibly hard for you, but acceptance is your only option. Maybe after some time apart your wife will tell you whether it's really about the weight and the sex or whether it runs deeper than that - but either way you can't make her stay if she doesn't want to. People change, life happens, people grow apart.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 06/06/2022 13:06

Let her go and concentrate on yourself. Do the things that you find joy in and look after yourself physically and mentally. Don’t try and change her mind, it will only strengthen her resolve because it’s not attractive.

Let her have the time she needs to see how lucky she is to have a loving family at home and if it’s right for her to come back, she will.

jaffacakesareepic · 06/06/2022 13:16

Therealpink · 06/06/2022 12:33

I was going to ask if she has always ‘looked after you’ OP. But I’m not totally sure many men could even understand the meaning of that to answer it honestly.

I think men usually leave for another woman. And women leave for peace and quiet and to not have to run around after anyone anymore. Overly simplistic but not without truth. Men have no clue how much we facilitate their lives.

I think your last paragraph is so true, women can get subsumed by marriage and kids where as for many men life carries on barely unchanged. Then the kids grow up and suddenly women have the time and space to assess their lives and realised they have been quietly unhappy for many years. Not all women, no all marriages but quite a few

linesric · 06/06/2022 13:18

Let her go and believe her when she says she doesn't love you.

I don't mean to be harsh, but...

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:22

pointythings · 06/06/2022 13:00

This is incredibly hard for you, but acceptance is your only option. Maybe after some time apart your wife will tell you whether it's really about the weight and the sex or whether it runs deeper than that - but either way you can't make her stay if she doesn't want to. People change, life happens, people grow apart.

Why is acceptance the only option? A few people have said that now and I am struggling to understand why?
It must have taken a lot for her to say I am leaving, especially without any prior indicators that I have seen. But once those words have been said, why isn't the right action to try and do something about it??
I want to show her that I care/love/desire her and that I want to address my shortfalls, acceptance just seems like I am not willing to fight for us..........

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 06/06/2022 13:28

It must have taken a lot for her to say I am leaving, especially without any prior indicators that I have seen. But once those words have been said, why isn't the right action to try and do something about it??

Because if she's got to the point of wanting to leave and separate - she doesn't want you to - otherwise she'd be asking you to try and fix whatever is broken.

I've been there, with a husband who wanted to try and try and try - but I didn't want to. It was a painful few months and I wish he'd just have let me go when I asked.

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:28

jaffacakesareepic · 06/06/2022 13:16

I think your last paragraph is so true, women can get subsumed by marriage and kids where as for many men life carries on barely unchanged. Then the kids grow up and suddenly women have the time and space to assess their lives and realised they have been quietly unhappy for many years. Not all women, no all marriages but quite a few

Show quote history

I am not sure that would completely be my fault though !!

We have always been honest and open with each other and if she was unhappy for a time, I would've known/seen. I would have also thought if she was to reassess her life and something wasn't right, to talk about that and try to sort things. Equally, if someone is unhappy, what do you do?.....I think you try and and address the reason and move forward where possible, it is certainly what I would want to do for us

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 06/06/2022 13:28

Oh op, I am sorry. I do think Cherchez l’homme, if I’m honest. Or maybe she just feels after years of looking after you and your sons, it’s her time now. Keep the communication channels open and really listen to what she is saying. I do think she may be letting you down gently, and you need to face the fact that this might be the end of your marriage, so you should be planning for that no matter how unpalatable that may be for you.

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:29

linesric · 06/06/2022 13:18

Let her go and believe her when she says she doesn't love you.

I don't mean to be harsh, but...

Is that it...... it gets said so I should throw 30 years away?

There has got to be another than that

OP posts:
Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:30

*another option rather than just that

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 06/06/2022 13:32

If that's what she wants, then yes that's it. You can't force her to stay in a relationship that she doesn't want to be in, just because you do. She'll be unhappy, you'll be unhappy.

FawnDrenched · 06/06/2022 13:34

Although it is very hard to do, stepping away and giving her space is the answer. If you tried to push it will not help.

I would say look at the Aesop fable 'The North Wind and the Sun'. This is what I mean by not pushing for a solution.

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:39

CornishGem1975 · 06/06/2022 13:28

It must have taken a lot for her to say I am leaving, especially without any prior indicators that I have seen. But once those words have been said, why isn't the right action to try and do something about it??

Because if she's got to the point of wanting to leave and separate - she doesn't want you to - otherwise she'd be asking you to try and fix whatever is broken.

I've been there, with a husband who wanted to try and try and try - but I didn't want to. It was a painful few months and I wish he'd just have let me go when I asked.

So what do I do......she is moving out next week. How am I supposed to act around her? I don't want to lose her in any way shape or form, but if she is thinking like you were, what did you want your man to do?

I just don't understand how just like that it can be done and worse still, almost everyone thinks that it is fine and that people should just separate. I just don't understand why people do not think that trying to fight for your marriage is a good option these days.

OP posts:
Cleangreenbean · 06/06/2022 13:42

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can't change her mind. You'll only go mad trying. I know this sounds corny but, if you love her, let her go. She needs to explore this herself.

Look after yourself though. Once the shock is over, you'll need time to process your grief. Can you get some private counselling to work through this. Just for you.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 06/06/2022 13:43

I’m so sorry this is happening to all of you, but in the first instance you do have to let her go. Now that she feels it’s what she needs to do, trying to stand in her way - even with the best of intentions - will leave those feelings and that path unresolved for her, which is unlikely to lead to a good outcome.

She needs time to think. Agree with PPs that women in this position often seek out solitude and space to reevaluate what they want from their one and only life, so you need to give her that. There may be someone waiting in the wings, I think you need to be realistic about that, but it’s genuinely not the only reason women want out of their marriages (and I don’t think the same can very often be said for men).

But all this doesn’t mean you can’t fight for your relationship. As long as you agree a plan together and keep the lines of communication open (and maybe get some counselling if you can afford it), you may even end up in a better place for both of you. I hope you do.

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:43

FawnDrenched · 06/06/2022 13:34

Although it is very hard to do, stepping away and giving her space is the answer. If you tried to push it will not help.

I would say look at the Aesop fable 'The North Wind and the Sun'. This is what I mean by not pushing for a solution.

No violence or force from me, but I just don't want to give up so easily

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 13:48

Would you consider going for a short time, as once she’s gone I can’t see her coming back.

Marineboy67 · 06/06/2022 13:50

Tough one to take whichever way one looks at it. You can't make someone love you if they've to quote: lost that loving feeling. If your losing weight do it for yourself and your health. Acceptance is really your only option given your wife's current position. It doesn't mean you have to entirely give up and whilst there is hope, there maybe a chance in the future. However this will be guided by your wife and how she feels during and after a period of separation.

MolliciousIntent · 06/06/2022 13:59

I'm going to be completely honest here - your response to this suggests to me that you are in the habit of either ignoring or just plain not taking into account what she wants.

You dialled back the amount of sex you were having partially because you thought that would be what she wanted. Did you ever actually ask her what she wanted!? Or did you just assume?

And now, you seem enraged that everyone is telling you that you should be listening to your wife when she tells you what she wants, and instead you're looking for ways round her wishes.

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 06/06/2022 13:59

Tell her that you accept her decision, but you love her and are happy to work on yourself/your relationship if she decides that's what she wants.

Then let her go.

To you this is a sudden shock, but she has probably been feeling this way for a while...it took me five years to leave my XH.

It's not impossible that these things can be worked out, but you need to give her space and show respect for her feelings above anything else, and don't make hollow, superficial promises.

If she does agree to try and work on things, don't take it as an instant sign that everything is immediately back to normal...it will take time, if that is what she agrees to.

Original poster
Gutted75 · 06/06/2022 13:59

KangarooKenny · 06/06/2022 13:48

Would you consider going for a short time, as once she’s gone I can’t see her coming back.

I offered to go, but she wants it to be her.... your last couple of words are my honest fear

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/06/2022 14:00

In your wife's shoes I would have wanted my man to let me go and do what I needed to do - find my own space to think about what I wanted my future to be.

You feel there was nothing wrong and you would have noticed if there was - real life doesn't work like that.

IncompleteSenten · 06/06/2022 14:03

What can you do but accept it?
You can't lock her in the house.

If she wants to leave, you can only accept that.

MsPavlichenko · 06/06/2022 14:04

Acceptance is the only option for you, as in all things in life unfortunately. Let her go, and get on with rebuilding your life. Force yourself to not contact her, and let her get on with it. She wants out so let her live either reality of a life apart from you. No need to be unpleasant but don’t be friends. It will only hurt you, and allow her to see you as an option hanging on for her. This will be hard , but allow you to heal sooner. Try to find new things to do, places to go etc That is what you need.

If after reflection she wants to try again, you’ll be in a better place to decide what you want. If she doesn’t (and steel yourself for another man) you’ll have made a start on the next stage of your life. As of now be polite, but cool. Wish her well and pretend to detach. Don’t help her move, sort her stuff though don’t stop her either. Go out when she leaves, and every time you go to call or message stop! Good luck.