I’m heartbroken about a friendship breakdown and I don’t know how to help myself

[JeezLouise]

I’ve signed up here as I don’t know where else to get advice. I’ll try and keep it snappy.

Around 8 years ago I re-ignited a friendship with a girl I was close with at school ( 24 years ago!) we had always stayed in touch roughly but distance, work etc had made us drift apart.

8 years ago we randomly met up, our husbands got on so well, we had so much fun and we were pretty much inseparable- seeing them maybe once a month / holidays / etc. They live a couple of hours away from us. I had my first child, my DD 3.5 years ago , she is the godmother and showed initial interest in her and us. It then slowly started to change (I understand this happens when you are at different stages in your children’s lives - she has two older boys - 10 & 13) but I started to notice changes in our relationship, less interest, more of a one-sided situation of me often reaching out and you know when you just KNOW it’s happening. I did.

We have been through a personal rollercoaster, I struggled with PTSD / PND after a traumatic birth, my DD recently got diagnosed with autistm and of course the pandemic, financial struggles etc. She was the first and only person I told I was clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and I was on medication. I told her this on a weekend 2.5 years ago face-to-face and then I don’t think I even got a text or call for a month after - no check in’s and I struggled to comprehend how a friend would not seemingly care. I felt like I was constantly having to be the one to reach out and ask how she and her family where. That was the last time I saw her due to lockdown etc. they have surrounded themselves with new friends , we don’t get the invites and I feel utterly heartbroken and stupid. I’ve spent nights awake crying about it - I can’t imagine she would have a second thought about me/ us.

I just want to get over it and move on but I’m struggling. I feel if I tried to chat to her it would end in a blow out argument / denial and I’d be left feeling stupid. I am also looking inward to see if maybe this is somehow my fault and I unknowingly pushed her away and maybe I need to take responsibility.

Just any advice would be appreciated. I feel so stupid that I’ve allowed it to consume me so much. I feel jealous of her new friendships and I should just be happy for her. Sorry for a very long ramble.

No advice to give, sorry but ((hugs)) and 💐 It sounds like you’ve been through a tough time.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. I think you're being overly hard on yourself, and most certainly shouldn't be lying awake crying over it, even though I know it is hurting you. Best to accept the situation and move on. I don't think confronting your 'friend' is going to help, in fact it might just pour fuel on the fire and make you feel worse. Sadly friendships can and do go this way sometimes. I hope you can find new friends and in time forget this one!

I looked at her as my best friend ? I didn't feel it was superficial at all - we spoke often/daily - she asked to be the godmother of my DD etc. I'm a bit confused at your response. This was probably the wrong place to look for advice.

I think you might have put too much on her. Asking her to be godmother (impossible to refuse even if you don't want to be the godmother), and then confiding in her about your pnd etc. Did you tell her she was the first and only one you'd told? That would have added extra 'weight' on her shoulders too you see.

Very sorry you feel so sad about this, but just let it go. Not all friendships last a lifetime.

Hello! Yes perhaps. And no, she requested to be Godmother (I wouldn't have really thought about it tbh!) Maybe she just didn't know / want to deal with my MH - it's not for her to help me, I realise that. Thankyou !

I think that's a bit harsh, Overthewine. She's known her for a long time so I don't think it's inappropriate to talk about her depression with her friend at all.

OP, life sometimes just gets in the way of friendships especially as we get older and have families; and you live quite far away. Could you try to cultivate some friendships closer to home?

I can't cope with other people's drama's anymore if they are emotionally draining. Perhaps she felt awkward about hearing your personal crisis and didn't want to be drawn in as she has her own things to deal with.

I thought exactly the same.

Yes I need to build some new friendships in my area (we've just moved house at Christmas) so it's all new here. Thanks !

You've done nothing wrong in that you told someone you saw as a very close friend your problems. However, your friend saw it as a burden greater than the strength and benefit (to her) than the friendship and decided to walk away. The reasons underlying this you will never know. For example she may have her own mental health issues or may have struggled with someone's mental health in the past etc. These things do happen. At least you know where you stand now. Take time to grieve the loss of your friendship, its happened to many people x

I don’t agree with overwine necessarily either. You said in your OP you were inseparable for a time and clearly considered the friendship a close one because you spoke frequently and socialised together as well. I’d think the same.

Unfortunately the weight of others’ sadness can be difficult to navigate at times. I don’t know if she felt overburdened or it’s a simple case of her moving on with pals who live closer. It’s hard to say.

Friendships can be very transient in nature. Some of the friends I’ve made in my past who I thought would feature forever haven’t…and others have shown unexpected grit and loyalty that I absolutely treasure years on.

I think you need to take a step back. It sounds like you invested a lot in this friendship. Perhaps it's worth thinking about why? Do you have other close friends? You say that you reignited the friendship. What were you looking for to make you do that? Had you seen this friendship through rose tinted specs from school?

People change and don't underestimate lockdown. I've lost a friendship or two through lockdown too.

This is about your friend and what she wants. Likely she wants more light and superficial friendships. That is not a judgement on you but perhaps she couldn't cope with what you are going through?

Some people also behave like social butterflies. My Dad is like this. One friendship is always flavour of the month and then fizzles out.

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes friendships drift in and out. Just let her go. She may come back.

I think that people often have varying expectations from adult friendships. It's definitely something I've noticed as I've got older.
I wonder if it all felt a bit too much for her. I don't think you need to be too hard on yourself OP- there's nothing wrong with confiding in her about your struggles. Maybe she just wasn't in the right place herself to be able to support you. It happens.

This is a great perspective on this scenario and I share the same view. Sounds like it may have got a bit too intense for the other friend.

Thanks for taking the time to reply - this makes a lot of sense. It's not for other people to help me , I just need to re-build x

I had my heart broken by a friend once, it honestly was every bit as devastating as a romantic heart break. She obviously was upset with me over something I did, but I didn’t know what it was and I still don’t. She ghosted me.

I did cry and I did wonder what I did, it was especially hard because I didn’t have many friends anyway. I wasn’t a needy, high maintenance friend or anything, it wasn’t that, but obviously something upset her, no point saying otherwise.

It came down to the usual healer of things, time, that helped me to get over it. You will get over this in a similar way to getting over the breakdown of a romantic relationship. You need to do all the things you would do in that scenario, keep busy, spend time with other people etc. And it will pass in the end. I also think you need to accept that she has moved on and I don’t think contacting her to talk about it is going to help you at all. It isn’t going to make her be the friend you want her to be again. You need to let her go.

It sounds like you have had a rough time and I can understand the grief you are feeling over the loss of your friend. I've had this happen to me a couple of times and I have also been the one to drift away. I've never had a massive row or fall out not sure if that would be better than just random disappearances especially when you felt the friendship was close. As others have advised it would be wise to just draw a line under this friendship and make steps to move on. To feel the way you do shows that you are a caring person and value friendships I'm sure as you start to feel better you will attract a friend/friends that appreciate your qualities.

I have had this and it was utterly devastating. We don't imagine that friendship can end in the way a romantic relationship can. With friendships we also don't protect ourselves to the same degree as we might in a romantic relationship.

You probably will never know what caused her to draw back. You also may hear from her again in a few years, and you'll know not to invest too much.

It's so hurtful, but you will get over it. Time will heal. You'll find other friends and this will recede.

I found that PND sorts the wheat from the chaff as far as friends go.

Totally disagree with the PP who said you over shared.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. True friendship requires communication. If your friend didn't want to keep in contact anymore, she could and should have said to you it's no longer what she's looking for, rather than leaving you to "get the message". Don't bother arguing with her, it will only make you feel worse. Losing a friendship is painful but holding on to unrequited love is even worse. Join a gym or a local group in your new area and stick to it. You will meet like minded people pretty quickly. In the meantime some counselling might help. You need an outlet and people can be cruel on this forum. Be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to and let hubby know you're struggling. Let him support you. Xx

I mean this gently, but I think you were perhaps too heavy for her in terms of the emotional support you were looking for and she has pulled away from that. Neither of you are in the wrong, it's just the way it is and you were both looking for different things from the friendship.

Overwine why do you insist it was a superficial friendship? You’ve said that twice now…but the OP (who would know) states otherwise?

She was the child's GODMOTHER , why do you keep saying it was a superficial friendship? Read the OP's posts, she was her best friend and they spoke daily.