I’m heartbroken about a friendship breakdown and I don’t know how to help myself

[JeezLouise]

I’ve signed up here as I don’t know where else to get advice. I’ll try and keep it snappy.

Around 8 years ago I re-ignited a friendship with a girl I was close with at school ( 24 years ago!) we had always stayed in touch roughly but distance, work etc had made us drift apart.

8 years ago we randomly met up, our husbands got on so well, we had so much fun and we were pretty much inseparable- seeing them maybe once a month / holidays / etc. They live a couple of hours away from us. I had my first child, my DD 3.5 years ago , she is the godmother and showed initial interest in her and us. It then slowly started to change (I understand this happens when you are at different stages in your children’s lives - she has two older boys - 10 & 13) but I started to notice changes in our relationship, less interest, more of a one-sided situation of me often reaching out and you know when you just KNOW it’s happening. I did.

We have been through a personal rollercoaster, I struggled with PTSD / PND after a traumatic birth, my DD recently got diagnosed with autistm and of course the pandemic, financial struggles etc. She was the first and only person I told I was clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and I was on medication. I told her this on a weekend 2.5 years ago face-to-face and then I don’t think I even got a text or call for a month after - no check in’s and I struggled to comprehend how a friend would not seemingly care. I felt like I was constantly having to be the one to reach out and ask how she and her family where. That was the last time I saw her due to lockdown etc. they have surrounded themselves with new friends , we don’t get the invites and I feel utterly heartbroken and stupid. I’ve spent nights awake crying about it - I can’t imagine she would have a second thought about me/ us.

I just want to get over it and move on but I’m struggling. I feel if I tried to chat to her it would end in a blow out argument / denial and I’d be left feeling stupid. I am also looking inward to see if maybe this is somehow my fault and I unknowingly pushed her away and maybe I need to take responsibility.

Just any advice would be appreciated. I feel so stupid that I’ve allowed it to consume me so much. I feel jealous of her new friendships and I should just be happy for her. Sorry for a very long ramble.

Hi OP. Try not to go over what happened and whether or not you did anything wrong, there's no point to that now and it's really not something you can learn from because every friendship is different and how one person reacted means nothing to how a different friend may react in a similar circumstance.
Just remember. Many friendships in life are made to come and go. It doesn't make them a bad thing. Sometimes you can benefit greatly from a friendship with someone living close by for example , but if one of you moves, the friendship dies out. It doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it at the time.
I 'd say that you now have time to invest in new friendships which can positively influence your life, but don't try to determine the type of friendship beforehand, let it develop naturally over time, it's not a romance.

You mentioned becoming "inseparable". Personally I wary of people who instigate very full on friendships, because they tend to burn out and often the people who look for them often want more time than I want to give. But everyone is different, so that's just my opinion.

I expect she felt rather overwhelmed as ahe was also dealing with her husband's depression at the same time.

Don't feel ridiculous, you are being very hard on yourself. You sound like a lovely open person. It is very hard and I had a similar situation and came to the conclusion that the friendship died because our lives moved in different directions. I agree with the person who said that we don't think to protect ourselves as we would in a romantic relationship. Try and put it behind you and if you start to think about it go and do something to stop your mind from going over it. It does get better xx

It sounds like she was a fairweather friend OP. There for the good times but not for the bad. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Time for you to move on and find new friendships closer to home. With a little one there’ll be plenty of opportunities to meet new people. Sorry to hear about all your troubles

Please reach out to Homestart who will support you through PND and may help you make new friends

Dear OP. You sound kind and sensitive, and I'm sorry you're in pain. It will pass, that's the best I can say for it. How, and when, you will figure it out, I am certain of that. We all eventually work painful stuff out.

if there's one thing I'd hope you'd gain from this thread, is that there is absolutely no blame or shame in sharing your difficulties with a close friend - whatever way some posters are wilfully choosing to misinterpret you, you abundantly clearly describe a very close friendship.

Good friends are there to share good and bad times, including suicidal thoughts - particularly suicidal thoughts, as sharing may prevent the worse from happening. I am gobsmacked that this needs even fucking saying, but there you go. Welcome to mumsnet.

One final thought: as soon as you mentioned that you and your friend's husband were close, too, and had shared your mental health woes, I thought "jealousy", like another poster. I'd put good money on this being a factor. It so often is!

All the best. X

Overthewine you sound like a deeply unpleasant individual. I can only hope that if you ever need any support with an MH crisis your friends desert you as you’ve stated you’d do to them. But I suppose you think you’re too superior to ever experience anything like that.

OP you did nothing wrong. People who say they’d ghost someone who was suicidal, I’m not sure how you sleep at night to be quite honest. How much does it take to send one text asking someone how they are? It’s not like the OP was bombarding her friend with messages demanding her time and support, at which point it would be more understandable to feel you had to step back. Very glad I don’t know people like you IRL!

Yes agree with others that she might have had some mh issues in the past or near to the surface when you told her and couldn't cope with it. I've also lost a friend over the pandemic through her mh issues I think (her choice)but am OK with it now and have moved on. You'll get there esp when you feel 100% yourself.

Sorry this happened to you x

Sorry to hear this has happened OP - very hurtful. Do you feel you've lost the friendship, or would it be possible to adjust your expectations a bit - not see her as a close friend or someone to confide in but still have some sort of pleasant relationship with her? Not sure whether that would feel worth it to you though.

I'm wondering why you think that bringing this up with her would result in a big 'blow out' argument - has this sort of thing happened before? Anyway you're probably right not to.

And you're not under any obligation to feel pleased for her about her new friendships - allow the emotions you DO have.

Thankyou so much for this , it's very helpful ! Yes I am asking those questions and I need to answer them and just move along. It can be very complicated ! On the history of her friendships I can kind of see a similar pattern of 'all-in, all-out' and I don't think I am the first. I think some people just, like you said, are butterflies and like to flit to where the going is good. Take care.

Op if he dh is in a similar place with his MH it is possible she can't take on anymore. We all have capacity and maybe she is spending more time with people that she can look to for support, and lean on - because she doesn't want to do that to you right now. We don't have infinite resources to deal with everyone's needs, and she might be struggling too if her dh as been in a bad place.

I also think the lockdown has ruined so many friendships. I have heard over and over again the hurt feelings of people that feel ignored/neglected and second best. This is not your fault, and nor is the fact that this friendship isn't working at the moment.

Please don't cry, because in a few months it may settle down and let her do what she needs to do, and keep the door open. It doesn't need to be the end of the friendship, just focus on your mental health and recovery, make some new friends that have children the same age as your children, so you can build up a lovely group of friends in your area (baby clubs and groups are great for this) focus on your own life and let her do the same, you may find in time you come back together. I would hold back from messaging her, let her get in touch and do the running for a bit. Stand back a little, and assess what your life needs and how you can make it better

Sorry you went through this and yes it feels like a proper heartbreak! ....although we are still lightly in touch and on each other's SM so no clean break.
Thanks for your reply and advice x

Thankyou so much.

OP I once read thank the people who leave you because you would never let go even if you are being treated like crap. It’s true.

@MissChristie , has summed this up wisely and beautifully.

I would add that it's never a good idea to hang onto a friendship when it's clear that it's become one-sided. The effort to keep it going and the disappointment/frustration of no improvement is toxic to MH.

How much does it take to send one text asking someone how they are?

Honestly, sometimes a lot. I spent over ten years being that support friend. It wrecked my also fragile mental health. Not everyone is cut out to play counsellor to their friends.

I don't think OP has done anything wrong, but I also don't think it makes her friend wrong either. Just incompatible in this situation.

I've had a friend like this, they can't handle the burden of it all. And let's face it, its not fun having to deal with someone's depression and thoughts of suicide. I myself have had to cut myself off from someone struggling with theor mental health as it impacts me. Depression this intense needs to be dealt with by professionals, don't burden your friends with it. I can understand why she's stepped away. Maybe deal with your problems and then reach out again explaining your in a better place.

OP, there isn't an objective "too much," it's entirely subjective. Don't think that because it was too much for her at that point means you are too much in a general sense.

She has a DH with MH issues and two teenage boys, then spent lockdown with them. She was probably only contacting people that made her feel less weighed down, as life was already hard.

I've had friendships struggle when both people go through something awful at the same time (illness/divorce). Both felt guilty for not supporting the other but just didn't have the capacity to do so. You feel reaching out but then backing away is worse, so you just hope they'll be in touch if it's really bad and try not to think about it. This was particularly the case in the last two years, where it was easy to think "only a few more weeks..." but it actually went on and on.

Take care OP, you did nothing wrong, but neither did she.

This

I have a family member who went through a relationship break up 3 years ago. I have been there for them for 3 years and it is detrimental to my MH now. At my DS birthday party recently she were telling me how depressed she was. She has fallen out with so many friends who 'don't care about her.' I have decided I need to take a step back for my own MH. I know I will be called terrible for it but this isn't fair anymore.

I'm not saying you are like this at all OP and I don't think you over shared telling a friend you were suicidal. I hope you do have other friends/family who can be there for you if your still struggling.

Her husband had similar issues and I was actually speaking to him / asking how he was (we were very close too and we spoke a lot about his problems - myself and him) and he was asking about me and we had a candid chat and I explained to him about my situ, he understood - and from then he mentioned to her and then we had an open conversation about it.

I am wondering if maybe supporting two people with mental health issues was too much for her? Sometimes the burden is too much to carry. I don’t think you did anything wrong OP but there is a lot of talk about being there for your friends and supporting them but are we supposed to do that at sacrifice to our own health? People talk about having no friends come to help them but sometimes there is a good reason. I have mental health problems and my housemate at the time was struggling with suicidal thoughts and self harm and it really, really triggered the shit out of me and my own mental health fell down the toilet (I ended up back at the access and crisis team after I attempted suicide because I couldn’t cope, he was putting a lot on me and not reaching out to his family) and although I didn’t tell him this I had to take a huge step away and our friendship has never recovered.

Obviously not saying this has happened to her but if she was already supporting her DH through his own issues, which is a burden to carry by itself, maybe she didn’t have any room to carry yours and didn’t know how to say it. I know I didn’t know how to say it to my friend. How do you tell someone, I know you’re struggling but that struggle is making me struggle?

If you don’t feel equipped to even send a few supportive words to someone having severe MH difficulties then you should at least tell them you need to step back and say you care but don’t feel able to support them and hope they have the strength to go to their GP.

To just ghost with no explanation, especially to someone already in a dark and vulnerable place, is cowardly to say the least and pretty mercenary. We all know NHS mental health services are stretched to the limit and often not fit for purpose, and while in an ideal world serious problems would be dealt with and treated by professionals, that service often just isn’t there, or is severely lacking.

I’ve had serious MH problems myself and supported others with them and I cannot imagine a time when I’d just disappear with no explanation. It’s incredibly cruel. Clearly all the campaigns about talking and opening up and overcoming stigma are wasting their time with many people.

I’m sorry that you experienced this OP. Your friend isn’t the person you thought she was. To be vulnerable with her and have her completely avoid you after must have been awful and further impacted on your trauma. An awful lot of people cannot tolerate other peoples vulnerability - some of them are posting here about you ‘over sharing’. We generally do not teach people to manage more difficult emotions like anger and vulnerability, we’re taught they’re bad and they need to be ignored, hidden and shamed. You did nothing wrong in thinking there was more depth to this friendship. She let you down.

would you consider therapy to help you move on from this? It’s tied up in your trauma over childbirth, it’s a significant loss in itself and it will sit on top of any loss/abandonment from your past that may be unprocessed.

this ‘friend’ does not deserve your heartache. Channel that energy into recovering and finding a friend who does.

You definitely aren’t being ridiculous OP and don’t let anyone try to convince you that you are. We feel what we feel and you’ve been hurt. Interesting to read in one of your more recent posts how this friend has a history of fleeting from one friendship to another. That, to me, suggests a fair weather friend indeed. Or someone who likes friendships that are of use to them in some way.

I hope that posting here has helped. It’s good to talk. Talk to people who are going to listen and calm you. If someone shows you that they can’t do that, you need to stay away from them until you feel much, much healthier mentally. When we are down, we don’t need kicking, we need love and kindness. Decide who is worthy of your time at this point in your life no matter how much smaller this makes your social circle. x

You said that her husband had MH issues.
You told him that you had MH issues and suicidal tendencies.
The mere mention of suicide raised the conversation to a whole new level.
Perhaps she thought this type of discussion would exacerbate her husbands MH issues.
Perhaps she was already struggling with her husbands issues and felt this friendship would now be dominated by the subject of MH and that felt overwhelming.
I think a lot of people can understand and cope with discussing MH and depression especially if the affected person is getting treatment and seems to be in control of the situation.
For many people, the mere mention of the word suicide evokes a visceral reaction.
It is a very emotive subject even for people who haven't been directly affected by someone committing suicide.

I suffer from MH issues and have never discussed them with anyone other than my partner and MH professionals.
I think most of my friends would be ok with me telling them but I would feel that it would then always be an elephant in the room.