I’m heartbroken about a friendship breakdown and I don’t know how to help myself

[JeezLouise]

I’ve signed up here as I don’t know where else to get advice. I’ll try and keep it snappy.

Around 8 years ago I re-ignited a friendship with a girl I was close with at school ( 24 years ago!) we had always stayed in touch roughly but distance, work etc had made us drift apart.

8 years ago we randomly met up, our husbands got on so well, we had so much fun and we were pretty much inseparable- seeing them maybe once a month / holidays / etc. They live a couple of hours away from us. I had my first child, my DD 3.5 years ago , she is the godmother and showed initial interest in her and us. It then slowly started to change (I understand this happens when you are at different stages in your children’s lives - she has two older boys - 10 & 13) but I started to notice changes in our relationship, less interest, more of a one-sided situation of me often reaching out and you know when you just KNOW it’s happening. I did.

We have been through a personal rollercoaster, I struggled with PTSD / PND after a traumatic birth, my DD recently got diagnosed with autistm and of course the pandemic, financial struggles etc. She was the first and only person I told I was clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and I was on medication. I told her this on a weekend 2.5 years ago face-to-face and then I don’t think I even got a text or call for a month after - no check in’s and I struggled to comprehend how a friend would not seemingly care. I felt like I was constantly having to be the one to reach out and ask how she and her family where. That was the last time I saw her due to lockdown etc. they have surrounded themselves with new friends , we don’t get the invites and I feel utterly heartbroken and stupid. I’ve spent nights awake crying about it - I can’t imagine she would have a second thought about me/ us.

I just want to get over it and move on but I’m struggling. I feel if I tried to chat to her it would end in a blow out argument / denial and I’d be left feeling stupid. I am also looking inward to see if maybe this is somehow my fault and I unknowingly pushed her away and maybe I need to take responsibility.

Just any advice would be appreciated. I feel so stupid that I’ve allowed it to consume me so much. I feel jealous of her new friendships and I should just be happy for her. Sorry for a very long ramble.

I find with friendships the expectation on me feels too much as selfish as that sounds. With work, children, children’s clubs which are a blot g commitment, the house, life admin etc I find it overwhelming when I then need to factor in friendships. I think people are wired differently maybe to do with upbringing. For my family, their friends were kept at arms length and it was all about immediate family. I’ve tried to not be like that and do have quite a lot of friends but I honestly find it hard work. Texting, remembering things, meeting up etc. Just offering a different view.

I can't believe so many people are blaming you for sharing your mental health struggles. There have been so many campaigns dedicated to getting people to share their mental health and I can see why now!!!! It's so common too people need to destigmatise it.

issues:blog.gwi.com/marketing/mental-health/.

It's true some people have an allergic reaction to hearing about anything a bit deep or emotional but they're just a fairweather friend if they cut soneone off!

It's really impossible to gauge exactly why she distanced herself. It's not a crime in itself but it's hurtful to not have any understanding of why. :-(
Some friendships do become more distant at different life stages/life events but may come back round again one day. How do we know she's not a bit depressed herself and interpreted something you've said wrong when without depression she wouldn't have.

I'd be tempted to ask her light heartedly if everything was ok and say you've missed hanging out. Trust your gut instinct though and think honestly is she truly a kind person or are you seeing her through rose tinted spectacles?

There's some unhelpful naive sayings out there like "boys come and go but friends are for life". The intention of the saying was good but realistically some 'friends' can be pure evil and some men can be your number one supporter.
Whatever happens don't blame yourself in any way. You will make new friends but in the meantime pamper yourself and do things you truly enjoy to boost your morale. x

Im so sorry op, I know exactly how you feel. It's absolutely devastating. I had this close friendship that lasted years from primary school. One day she ghosted me, I was heart broken! Took a couple of years to get over it. Years later I bumped into her at the pub. She explained that her mum thought our friendship was too intense, and told her to make other friends. So that's what she did! I made my new friends, pursued a good career, bought a house, got married and had children. I'm happy and rarely think about her.

She rang me a few times, years apart. When her grandmother died. When she moved to a new area, lost her job and had no friends or family nearby. Again during lock down, as it was affecting her mental health. I spoke with her for an hour on each call. Then radio silence in between. I've recently discovered she's getting married and invited my friend (who she knows but not good friends with, she's my closest friend) and not me?! Even my friend said that it was werid, she was invited and not me! Shes going to go and ask her at the wedding reception, why I wasn't invited. If I ever get another phone call from her again, I'm going to put the phone down. Because I'm worth more than that, I'm not here to be used. I wish you all the very best. You will make new friends and be happy again.

Instead of having the chat that you think will end in an argument , can you not just message and say ,
” Hi …., how are you, really miss you and spending time with you and hoping we can catch up very soon”.
You’ll know then if she’s responsive to that or not. Sometimes we just have to accept change if one feels different about us. After that I wouldn’t keep messaging , I’d get on with seeing others and what will be will be.
Don’t take it too heart , I know that’s hard but she’s probably one of those that likes new relationships and maybe doesn’t value friendship in the same way.

Well arent you a peach.

I hope youre ok op

You did nothing wrong OP and I’m sorry this has happened. Some people are just so fickle and I suspect she couldn’t cope when you confided in her, because unless you have gone through depression yourself, it is very difficult for people to understand what you are going through sometimes. Who knows what she was thinking and you will probably never know, so no point blaming yourself. It’s not you it’s her.

It really, really hurts when this happens and you go through a grieving process. Some friendships have use by dates.

What I have learnt over the years, is to take things very slowly with new friendships and not to get too emotionally invested in them.

I’m sure there are new friendships awaiting you out there, hold your head high and take this as a learning experience. I really do hope you feel better very soon.

I wonder if she was hiding or in denial of her DH MH issues. She may have been shocked, ashamed, upset that he shared them with your directly and seen this as an (irrational) emotionally intimate threat to her?

I am sorry I that you have suffered so much with PTSD, PND and through the struggle of diagnosis and caring for a child with additional needs. It seems that your friend distanced herself from you some time ago when you were in the depths of this. Maybe it’s a sign that you are moving through and gaining perspective by writing this post. Moving on from the incomprehension, hurt, disappointment which may have been appropriate or may have been amplified and misdirected to her with what you were going through yourself.

She either couldn’t or wouldn’t support you at that time. Maybe she was overwhelmed in her own life and needed to surround herself with “light” acquaintances to cope. But you were not wrong to open up about your MH - don’t regret that. At another time she may have helped.

I'm really sorry Op I can see this is upsetting for you. I really hope you can move on with some strength and stop it consuming you.

There are a couple of things you've said which jumped out at me. I don't know the reasons any more than anyone else, but here's my two-penneth...

1. You say there is a pattern to her friendships - all in, full-on, then moves on. Some people are just like that. I think many of us will know someone like that. If that's who she is, it isn't a reflection on you. It's who she is and nothing you could have done would change that.
2. It could be a response to your MH situation. And not necessarily in an unkind way. We don't know what's happening in other people's lives. Sometimes even the ones we're really close to. It could be she was on overload already and simply couldn't support you through a MH crisis. It could even be a sub-consious protecting herself that made her cool off immediately in response. You mention her DH had similar issues and it's possible she realised that she simply couldn't live through that again. She needed to rebuild her own strength before she could be useful to someone else. She might not have dealt with it brilliantly but that could be it.

Yeats ago I supported someone through a really tough time. It took years and was stressful, frightening at times, just awful. At the time I think I did an OK job under the circumstances. Then life moved on. If I meet someone now with that same situation, I can feel myself go in to panic / flight mode. My gut knows I can't go there again. I haven't had a close friend in that situation so I haven't been properly tested, but I don't know how I would cope if I thought someone else was expecting me to support them through it. I'm aware that sounds quite selfish. I don't think I am a selfish person. I'm just aware of my limitations and my own wellbeing is also important to me, for the sake of my nearest and dearest.

Sorry I rambled, just thought it could be that.

This is an excellent post, honest and humble. I have also been in a situation consumed with someone else’s poor MH for years and which did end in their suicide and the consequence devastation of my own MH after. Now I know my limits and whilst always open to listen I always sign post to professional help - because they are much better equipped to support. Me getting in too deep is misguided and counterproductive.

Firstly, you work in mental health, which is different to friendship. Secondly, you have no idea what else the friend is going through. The OP already said she is supporting her husband who is clinically depressed.

With respect to the OP, this woman deserves a life beyond being a support human for others.

I have always supported friends through mental health and it's undoubtedly impacted negatively on me. A couple of years ago, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. It's not because I'm not empathetic or compassionate or caring but because I simply don't have the capacity to do it anymore.

I would have withdrawn from the OP too, not because she is in the wrong for having shared what she did but because I have to prioritise myself. I have a friend who is currently depressed and I support him where/when and how I can but clinical depression and suicidal thoughts? I just don't have the capacity to support someone like that anymore.

All the friend has done is put some unspoken boundaries in place and she has the right to do so. It doesn't make her a bad person either.

Thanks to most (!) who have taken time to reply and also share your stories.

I've taken on board so much and it's been good to hear - a lot of the same thing from different people and it's helping me understand & hopefully move forward. I want to do exactly this without getting bitter or resenting....or hurting anyone.

I know I need to get myself into a better place, so I feel more confident and will perhaps make better decisions too...and judgements. I don't think I would over-think or dwell as much either if I were happier.

Perhaps you had very different ideas of what a good frienship is.Some people feel it is to be able to share everything and get support during tough times. Others feel it is to create happy times together, to draw on during tough times. A lot of people feel very drained and used by friends who offload their woes all the time. It doesn;t feel like intimacy. It feels like being burdened.

I am very sorry that you were in such a dark place but really if you feel suicidal you need professional help, not to tell a friend.

I have been clinically depressed (for years) and I have also supported a friend though years of suicidal and manic bi polar.By bthe end I felt she was an emotional vampire, paying only cursory attention to my needs and emotions but sucking me dry for her own. When I was ill I did my best never to burden anyone else, including DH. It's just not fair. I think I'd have distanced myself from such a draining 'friendship' too.

In your position, I would have a serious rethink and reset about what a friendship is. I would appeal to every resource I could think of: F2F, online and group therapies, medication, GP, self help and self care, etc before I expected a friend to bear the burden of my depression. I might open up to a friend (as in, saying: 'sorry, I've been a bit quiet recently - I've been down and socialise much in this state' but then leave it at that) But not overshare (monologues of sorrows and emotional scenes in front of them.) I'd look to build new friendships based on positive shared experiences, uplifting or distracting times together and practical support but not too much emotional reliance or loadbearing.

It’s very hard, OP. I lived with a friend who had anxiety and depression and I tried to listen and support as much as I could, but I was recovering from depression myself and I’m not a mental health professional so had no resources or strategies to utilise to help her. It was really hard and really draining and in the end, as awful as it was, I had to detach myself and move out for the sake of my own mental health. Your friend was already dealing with her husbands mental ill health, and trying to support you too may just have been too much.

Honestly I feel like I've given the impression I was just moaning and offloading on her for years on end.
It really wasn't the case - quite the opposite and she used to joke as how closed I was and never showed my emotions. The one time I did that was when I changed. But thanks for the input.

It's difficult to put across the whole scenario on here as it was a 7 year relationship with lots of things happening where I had supported her / him etc when they went through things. It wasn't just me moaning at her for 7 years. lol.

There could be a couple of things going on here, OP.

1. Did you parent differently to her? Some people take it quite personally when others make different choices. People can also feel like different choices means less in common.
2. some people aren’t really cut out for dealing with negative emotions and like everyone to have their game face on all the time. She sounds like quite a ‘good time’ sort of person who makes friendships about doing fun stuff rather than sharing bad times.

Either way, it’s not your fault, you just have different styles and might be more incompatible than you previously realised.

My response was nothing to do with the person in the OP, but the posters who replied in such callous terms to the OP.

But you don't know their experiences either.

Aren't we all encouraged to talk to friends if we have mental health issues?

Ignore @Overthewine

Even if you have stuff going on there are other options available than telling a person who has just told you that they’re feeling suicidal that they’re over sharing and crossing boundaries, especially on an Internet forum where you can just scroll on by.

So many people keep difficult feelings to themselves because they fear being seen as a burden, everyone who has reinforced that on this thread runs the risk of shutting people down and making them feeling even worse.

OP I am sorry you are getting such a hard time on this thread. I presume through people who have never had a MH crisis or are in the fortunate position they have and have had supportive people round them. I wonder how many of them are also the sort of people who put those cringy posts on Facebook about "my door is always open etc".

You did nothing wrong, but sometimes friendships break down. I can understand why you are very sad about this. As others have said time is a great healer.

I had never been on here but had of course heard about the reputation - so wasn't expecting everyone to be kind or helpful tbh. But yes, some people cannot help being vile :-) i would have just scrolled on by if I had nothing to add or advise. For the most part though, it's been very helpful x x

Yes, I must say some of the language and replies on here I was very surprised by - but the majority have been nice or at least very useful advice even if hard to swallow. I think maybe people are bored and want to be unkind sometimes , I don't take it to heart and I'm glad I asked for advice ! Thank you x

Agreed. "Oversharing" is a really strange thing to mention in the context of the OP's situation as she explained it.

You are absolutely entitled to share your mental health issues with your friends. But what you cannot expect is for them to have strong enough mental health to deal with it themselves. Everyone has their own mental health to deal with. Very few people have training or experience in this area. Often people don't consider other people's mental health, because we are so buried in our own issues. Friendship works when we are able to share the burden, but forgive the mistakes when they happen. True friendship can withstand a fall out, but if she has walked away then she was not a true friend.

I completely agree.

I wonder if she'd experienced it herself, and got a bit triggered (rather than being more supportive as you'd imagine) or maybe she just wasn't the good friend you thought she was?

You said you lost contact with her once before? Could that be her blueprint for friendships? Intense for awhile then fade?

I think you are getting some harsh comments here. Don't berate yourself.

I've lost two very close friendships over my life. Both left me feeling bereft. I think the first was on her - she had a habit of ghosting close friends when they no longer fitted her lifestyle. She'd done it once before and I forgave her. The second time she did it I cut her out. I couldn't go through it again.
The second actually sent me a break up letter saying she'd replaced me. I'd had long term depression and only sporadically contacted her. She knew about it but moved on. It was her choice and I see my part in it. Both were more painful than most of my romantic breakups.

It's hard but I hope you find new lovely friends. Im open about having depression but I do find people are uncomfortable with it. I wouldn't tell someone new for awhile unless they disclosed that they had it/had it in the past. I only tell very good friends but I don't think it should be a taboo subject.