I’m heartbroken about a friendship breakdown and I don’t know how to help myself

[JeezLouise]

I’ve signed up here as I don’t know where else to get advice. I’ll try and keep it snappy.

Around 8 years ago I re-ignited a friendship with a girl I was close with at school ( 24 years ago!) we had always stayed in touch roughly but distance, work etc had made us drift apart.

8 years ago we randomly met up, our husbands got on so well, we had so much fun and we were pretty much inseparable- seeing them maybe once a month / holidays / etc. They live a couple of hours away from us. I had my first child, my DD 3.5 years ago , she is the godmother and showed initial interest in her and us. It then slowly started to change (I understand this happens when you are at different stages in your children’s lives - she has two older boys - 10 & 13) but I started to notice changes in our relationship, less interest, more of a one-sided situation of me often reaching out and you know when you just KNOW it’s happening. I did.

We have been through a personal rollercoaster, I struggled with PTSD / PND after a traumatic birth, my DD recently got diagnosed with autistm and of course the pandemic, financial struggles etc. She was the first and only person I told I was clinically depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and I was on medication. I told her this on a weekend 2.5 years ago face-to-face and then I don’t think I even got a text or call for a month after - no check in’s and I struggled to comprehend how a friend would not seemingly care. I felt like I was constantly having to be the one to reach out and ask how she and her family where. That was the last time I saw her due to lockdown etc. they have surrounded themselves with new friends , we don’t get the invites and I feel utterly heartbroken and stupid. I’ve spent nights awake crying about it - I can’t imagine she would have a second thought about me/ us.

I just want to get over it and move on but I’m struggling. I feel if I tried to chat to her it would end in a blow out argument / denial and I’d be left feeling stupid. I am also looking inward to see if maybe this is somehow my fault and I unknowingly pushed her away and maybe I need to take responsibility.

Just any advice would be appreciated. I feel so stupid that I’ve allowed it to consume me so much. I feel jealous of her new friendships and I should just be happy for her. Sorry for a very long ramble.

@Overthewine

How do you know it was a superficial friendship? You keep saying it but I can't see where you're getting that information from to be so insistent?

8 years ago we randomly met up, our husbands got on so well, we had so much fun and we were pretty much inseparable- seeing them maybe once a month / holidays / etc.

This isn't superficial. Inseparable isn't superficial.

Seriously, do you know a single person who has ended a friendship by telling someone they aren’t what they’re looking for any more? That’s not how it goes and well you know it.

I do agree it’s a form of unrequited love. Hard to swallow.

I imagine this is the case.

I sympathize with others' issues but just can't be drawn in any more. That's what professional counselors are for.

Have been here, it’s awful and so sad. Had same with a friend I had grown up with and we stayed in touch. She one day just stopped relying and blocked me on all social media. A few years later I found out why and it was linked to something that happened when we were kids, seeing me was too triggering for her while she was dealing with it.
I would suggest that maybe she felt unable to help support you with your mental health and got scared. Which isn’t your fault and you should be able to share your problems with your friends.
However, I have had friendships come and go and now accept that they are fluid and there when you need them but doesn’t mean it will last forever.
hole you find some nice kind friends soon x

I would imagine if you are suffering with severe PND and suicidal working out the nuances of a friendship are not paramount.
As the OP said her friend wanted to be her child's godparent I would say that this indicates a strong commitment.
Unfortunately in life we make friends with people who only want to share the good times and when the tough times come along and you need them the most they can't handle it. This could be for various reasons i.e it brings back bad memories, they have their own problems or they are just plain flakey.
But telling someone how you feel especially in a crisis is not over sharing it takes strength to do when you feel so vulnerable and should not be discouraged.

Please try to move on from this friendship. Be kind to yourself.

Some friendships are great for the moment, some last years and others don't survive the end of the holiday/ child moving school/ workplace/ whatever. Doesn't mean that they haven't been life enhancing and important to you.

I'm not one of those lucky people who makes new friends easily, so in the past I've clung to friendships when I long should have let go! It's so much more freeing to let them go. It will free up so much mental energy.

It’s more about her than you OP- she didn’t see you as the close friend that you saw her as, and some people don’t have the emotional resources to deal with someone else’s mental health crisis so they withdraw as it seems has happened here. It sounds harsh but she didn’t choose for you to share that information with her, so you can’t blame her for not responding in the empathetic way you were hoping unfortunately.

It sounds like you are quite fixated on her and I wonder if this is hindering your recovery?

Yes I agree. Thankyou.

I also have no idea how to update or generally answer things / put things more into context without quote replying people so apologies - just a few things here -

• thanks so much for everyone replying , it's so good to hear sound non-judgemental advice

• the MH thing - I didn't spring it on her - probably sounds like I did. Her husband had similar issues and I was actually speaking to him / asking how he was (we were very close too and we spoke a lot about his problems - myself and him) and he was asking about me and we had a candid chat and I explained to him about my situ, he understood - and from then he mentioned to her and then we had an open conversation about it.

• I don't think I was a needy / over bearing friend (initially lol) maybe seems like that. She was very keen to be part of our lives / asked to be Godmother / < we joked about that / would often be the one to nail down plans / dates etc. always referred to us/me as their best friends. I think it was just maybe we all fitted into each other's lives at that point. But yes, it can change.

• we still message occasionally/ there's no 'bad blood' or bad words to say as such - I think we just both know it's very different and something has changed.

Anyway it's so intricate and hard to explain the whole situation / relationship and things that happened I think and I'm a bit useless at how this works - thanks everyone.

are your husbands still in touch/close? Do you feel like you need to ask her why things changed so you have closure before you put the relationship to bed? I think not knowing why would drive me mad

If her husband had been ill as well maybe it all felt too much for her to cope with?

Fuck me, I’m sorry OP for detailing your thread but I’m astounded at the responses of people here who see a disclosure of suicidal feelings as oversharing and a reason to back off as opposed to a desperate plea for help and support where our response can make a huge difference.

I work in mental health so probably have a skewed perspective but it genuinely never crossed my mind that people would respond like this to someone who’s in a really vulnerable place.

Totally agree. We’re all encouraged to talk about mental health not be accused of over sharing. OP you sound like a good friend and hopefully you’ll make new ones in your area xx

This isn’t your fault and you’ve done nothing wrong.

Maybe she couldn’t cope with the responsibility. What you confided in her may have frightened and overwhelmed her. She may not have wanted to take this on, may have viewed it as too big a burden. I know it hurts and it doesn’t seem kind but she has her reasons.

There are times in our lives when we discover who are real friends are. Your friend sounds like a ‘fair weather friend.’ When we are depressed we don’t have the normal ability to quickly sweep things like this aside. I used to ruminate and let myself get chewed up inside over small things friends said or did when I was depressed. A decade on and I’m able to just sweep things like hurtful comments aside because I’m in a better place mentally and too busy to care much.

You may eventually be able to forge a new chapter in your friendship but for now, please shelve thoughts of this friendship and concentrate on yourself. Sometimes just finding a few quiet, solo hobbies to do and spending time with our children and families can really help. Close the door on this friendship. Hide her on your social media. Don’t ruminate and torture yourself over it any longer. It’s a waste of time that you could spend on healing and nurturing yourself.

Hope this helps. x

Unfortunately some people are fair weather friends.

I have recently decided to call time, possibly not forever, on what I thought was a dear friend who wasn't interested in a pretty significant and traumatic life event and made to feel like I was annoying her every time I mentioned it.

We've not spoken for a good while now. More superficial friendships I wouldn't offload but when a supposedly close friend shows their true colours and doesn't genuinely give a shit about me in the hard times I cut my losses.

Your only mistake was to mis judge the level of closeness.

Yes I have been a little surprised at some of the views but I guess that's what you get on a public forum ha. The majority has been sound advice. I guess it also depends on yourself as a person, and you kind of expect to be treated as you would others. I would/have/am trying to help other friends who are going through tough times - I will always at least check-in and chat. Everyone is different I guess!

I think the problem is that a whole lot of people are working at peak emotional/psychological stress already with just their own problems/issues with pre-teen or teenage children, or even young adults trying to find their way in life/elderly parents/work/life stresses and so on. The world isn’t a good place for a lot of people and there’s no longer the support networks there used to be; I don’t think many people have the capacity to take on emotional stress on behalf of others, even good friends. It’s hard enough to safeguard one’s own mental health right now without having to also try to find the resources to manage others’. So I can understand that many people just aren’t able to give anything on top of what they’re already doing.

@JeezLouise of course it’s incredibly sad for you. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I don’t think she’s done anything wrong either. It’s life. It’s painful, but time will heal the heartbreak.

You say you reached out to your Childhood friend ,after 8 years .You were Childhood friends a long time ago.Sometimes we are at different life stages .You have a small daughter .She has older boys .She sounds as though she maybe couldnt cope with your MH struggles .Many people may shy away from something like this sadly . They dont know what to say .Perhaps learn from this and see if you can make new chums .

Something that just stood out to me reading this is the amount of people who state that a friend telling them they’re depressed and suicidal is over-sharing and they don’t want to deal with that. How awful for those with mental health problems that they feel so trapped with feelings of utter despair and can’t even open up/confess to a friend. Who are people meant to confide in then? It’s not always easy to reach out to health professionals. I wonder how many people are really suffering and keeping it all bottled up 😔

OP, I think that friendships can sometimes be the trickiest relationships to deal with! (I mean compared to partner, kids, other family, colleagues etc). I think maybe it's because the expectations of friendships are not well defined and differ from one person to the next, so one half of the friendship can be thinking of it as something different from the other. Whereas with a partner you more or less know how you can reasonably expect to be treated.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope you start feeling better about it soon.

On reading this OP I think perhaps if you and her DH both shared MH issues and were discussing it together your friend may have felt threatened/jealous and could be the real reason she pulled away from you.

Thankyou so much. Yes I really agree that I need to get myself together and mentally stronger so I can deal better with things like this - I am kicking myself for letting it consume me so much and I feel ridiculous! I know it's insecurity because of how I'm currently feeling and I just need to pull myself together and move on. Maybe we will align again but not at the moment! X

I think you very quickly got close again after a 24-year-gap, and perhaps didn't actually know each other quite as well as adults as you both thought you did. Then several big things happened in quick succession that hugely changed you and the dynamic of your relationship:

1. you had your first DC, a girl who is much younger than her DC;
2. the pandemic;
3. your DD's autism diagnosis, presumably coming off the back of several years of you struggling with her behaviour and perhaps making meet-ups between the two of you difficult or not as enjoyable; and
4. your own MH struggles, depression, suicidal thoughts.

From your friend's POV, all that might just be too much drama and responsibility for a friendship that she'd thought was easy/fun. A lot of people have a low threshold for other people's drama and simply don't want the burden of supporting someone through something serious that they have no experience of, particularly when they have a busy life/family themselves. I only have so much bandwidth for supporting people outside my immediate family and I don't think I'm unusual in that.

Having the person who you thought was your best friend back away after revealing something so important is a harsh lesson to learn at what is clearly a difficult time for you OP, but a friend in need is a friend indeed, and this woman is clearly not the friend you thought she was. Midlife is a time when many friendships end, people drift away, people's lives get complicated by their DC, their parents, illnesses, deaths, and something as simple as just having different ages of DC can actually be quite a barrier in friendships, because your lives will be quite different. Her kids are at/off to secondary school, you have a pre-schooler. The people I'm closest to, who I have most to talk about with, are those with DC the same age, at the same stage.

@Overthewine

Her husband had similar issues and I was actually speaking to him / asking how he was (we were very close too and we spoke a lot about his problems - myself and him) and he was asking about me and we had a candid chat and I explained to him about my situ, he understood - and from then he mentioned to her and then we had an open conversation about it.

This doesn't sound superficial to me?

It's not ridiculous,you lost your friend and that's sad . I still think about a friend I lost when I was ill with PND, although she ghosted me over night never to be seen again! That was 20 years ago, I presumed she just got frightened as I was always very 'capable' and suddenly wasn't any more. What's ironic is she is very Christian and church going - shame her charity and compassion didn't extend to her good friend 🙄