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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Teacher married to non teacher

136 replies

Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 19:54

I don’t know if anyone else is in this boat or is married to a teacher and are not a teacher themselves.

DH doesn’t really understand my job. I don’t expect him to but I don’t think he gets that I do need time to work in the evenings or weekends (try not to do both.)

I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean!

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 05/06/2022 20:59

OP I'm teacher with a non teacher. Sorry for the smarmy responses in here that clearly didn't understand your question!! 🙄

DP does not understand why I have to work in the evenings that I am not getting paid for. He often says if I'm not getting paid extra why am I doing. 😅 But he would never try distract me. He does have a good understanding of the job apart from that, he appreciates he could never teach because he couldn't deal with the shit I do, and I appreciate I could never do the extremely physical job he has (so to those saying other jobs are tough, we know that!!!)

As for doing the housework over the summer, I also do the housework during the day but it does not bother me. At the weekends he does his share, and it's not that he expects me to do it during holidays, I expect it of myself. If roles were reversed I wouldn't find it fair to come in from a hard day's work and do housework when the other partner has been off!

Darknessinlight · 05/06/2022 21:04

Definitely agree other jobs are tough. I think re the housework, unless it’s the long summer break you can easily spend the entire week just bloody cleaning! Smile

OP posts:
Darknessinlight · 05/06/2022 21:07

That was a really gracious reply, Herc. Thank you, and I wish you well. I couldn’t teach maths for all the tea in China!

OP posts:
smileyworld · 05/06/2022 21:15

I give up my Sunday evenings (sometimes whole afternoons) and often work until midnight to be prepared. Plus additional work during the week, but once my 4DC are in bed.

DH is supportive, and treats Sundays as his day with them, which helps a lot.

Sorry your DH isn't fully supportive. There can be a real lack of appreciation of the work load that teachers have at times.

Darknessinlight · 05/06/2022 21:17

I always vow I won’t engage when people get arsey about teachers, but I’m about ready to leave this thread so will throw in some things to think about.

If anyone knows the poem ‘for the want of a nail, a shoe was lost’ (Google it if you don’t) teaching is a bit like that. If I rely on poor pre planned lessons that the children can’t access, behaviour will go to pot. I teach in an inner city school. I love it: it’s in an area that is vibrant, cosmopolitan and culturally mixed. It also comes with a lot of challenges, poverty, deprivation, hostility. Many of my students don’t speak English as a first language. If I stick a wall of text in front of them, they can’t access it. I’m not being a martyr when I make it accessible for them, I’m saving my own arse - I don’t want to deal with horrendous behaviour all day.

On the other end, I have an A level class where one girl is going to Oxford in September. It’s a real mix and I like that, but it does mean I can’t just churn out lessons on the system from 2011 with references to AFs (remember those, anyone?) and expect them to get on with it.

If I was a martyr, I’d work constantly. I don’t. I probably AM a martyr in that I don’t want my own children to spend longer away from me than they need to, but I am fine being a martyr in that sense. I probably have to spend an hour or so planning every other day and probably take one set of books home a week and one at the weekend. I am not a career teacher and I’m not interested in nonsense sort of things but I have been doing it long enough to know what works and what doesn’t, especially with students who aren’t always easy to engage.

So feel free to be rude to me, or sneer at how stupid I am because I’m chatting in the non existent staffroom, or scoff at how other jobs are hard too. Except check your comprehension as I don’t find teaching hard at all. It is simply the difficulty caused when I’m there, but not there.

OP posts:
Haralambus · 05/06/2022 21:26

Arriving late to this but I think I have led a parallel life to you op, only more of it!
I think the issue is partly the erratic nature of school life: term time for many teachers is very intense with little time for anything other than school but then there’s the holidays….
I have known relationships to falter because of resentment that has built up. For me, life has got much easier now that my kids are older and husband fully conversant with my unavailability during term time!
Hopefully things bed in for you too

Sheesh89 · 06/06/2022 20:37

I'm a non teacher married to a teacher and he does sweet fuck all in the evenings or weekends or holidays. If he needs to stay until 5pm he's going to complain about it. He says the marking is so unrealistic there is no point trying. A credit to the profession

emeraldcity2000 · 06/06/2022 20:52

I think your problem is you are doing all the childcare. It's impossible to do any professional job and both ends of the day and not work evenings. Can dh do one end of the day and the you can start early or work late?

Catlover1970 · 06/06/2022 21:56

Darknessinlight · 05/06/2022 09:08

@MolliciousIntent this is relationships, not AIBU. I’m not here for scathing put downs and acerbic biting sarcasm.

@Italiandreams i don’t have any experience teaching younger children but I do need an hour or so when kids are in bed to get sorted for tomorrow.

I have friends who also work into the night and weekends - particularly primary. My friend has been wracked with guilt for years and feels like she lets her family down with the time she puts in. I’m also married to a teacher and luckily he doesn’t bring much work home but I can imagine your work life balance can suffer xx

Melsuleenia · 06/06/2022 22:10

Very gently, OP. Get out of the profession. Its not for you.

In point of fact, the profession is now so horrendous, its no-persons job.

Ex- Acting Head of Physics. A Level Physics teacher here. 46.

notlongtoo · 07/06/2022 09:54

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