Teacher married to non teacher

[Darknessinlight]

I don’t know if anyone else is in this boat or is married to a teacher and are not a teacher themselves.

DH doesn’t really understand my job. I don’t expect him to but I don’t think he gets that I do need time to work in the evenings or weekends (try not to do both.)

I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean!

@denim321 I agree it’s not a teacher specific issue but don’t think any teacher will finish early enough to not require childcare unless they work in the same school as their children which is very rare. The bonus is not needing childcare in the holidays.

No, it's primary. 2 classes in each year group, so team work means things happen more efficiently. Plus the SLT focus on workload means that reusing previous plans is welcomed, not frowned on. If they want to, new teachers use planning the experienced teachers left. And the planning format is a very short document too.

Heavy marking pieces are encouraged to be spread out. Rather than do a big English write, a big history write, a big RE write, HW projects etc in the same week, you plan assignments efficiently. Marking 120 scripts across those 4 subjects in the same week means you're not fresh in front of your class. The marking policy is streamlined so yr6 still get the guidance and steps forward they need in depth, but in a teacher time friendly way.

My ex was not a teacher, but when the kids were little, he would always take on things I was due to do that day, such as nursery pick ups/teatime/bathtime etc if I buzzed him to say I was needing to stay at school later than planned. His job meant he could do that, but I appreciate not everyone can. He preferred having me to himself in the evenings rather than me having to work, so it was something be saw the value in doing.

Different schools, and type of school, make it easier/harder for their staff to have a decent work/life balance. I only will ever apply for a job where I know I can continue leaving work at work.

The thing with shared planning is that it depends on the person you’re planning with producing things to a high quality. We have lessons on the system but they aren’t really usable. We also have extremely strange schemes of work for KS3, but that’s probably a different rant. Anyway, I think even with high quality planning available marking would take time. Plus things like photocopying etc take time in school, you do have to take some stuff home sometimes if you aren’t going to work late or early in school.

My dh's ex wife was a teacher and it used to drive him mad her working all weekend.
Harsh because he liked her earning the money.
Thankfully l don't have the brains to be a teacher so it isn't an issue for us!

I think getting the separate office space will help, but in the meantime, I think you need a proper chat with DP. Planning and marking is part of the role - you're choosing to time shift it to get more time with the DC/save money on childcare - this benefits all of you, but if it doesn't get done 4-6, it needs to get done 7-9.

In a Humanities subject, it's hard to get the flow to mark essays when you're constantly being interrupted. That goes for work and home. Therefore a couple of hours uninterrupted in the evening or a weekend morning are really important to keep on top of it. If your school's anything like mine, what with cover, invigilation, duties, meetings, admin and students asking for help, there won't be a lot of time left.

Put it to him straight. You need (say) 3 x 2 hour slots where he doesn't interrupt you OR he does several extra school/nursery pick ups and you stay at school marking (actually my preferred option in these situations was Costa coffee in the large supermarket near nursery!)

Could you easily pay rent/mortgage without your job? If not...why is he preventing you doing it properly? Because that's what he's doing - stringing out something that has to get done.

We have a mug that says Go Away I'm Marking. That's useful too (although I am married to a uni lecturer so we share the mug!)

Just seen the detail in your post that you do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups! What's that all about? How the hell does your partner think you can do a professional job shortening the day at both ends without working in the evening?

He should count his blessings because it will benefit you as a family a lot not to need much holiday childcare once DC reaches school age.

I don't even think this is about being a teacher. Loads of jobs require extra work outside normal hours.

Get on with what you need to do for your job. Tell him you need to get work done if he comes and bothers you.

But don’t you understand - teachers work sooo much harder than the rest of us. No job compares to the hours and stress. Nobody has it as tough as teachers!

and you can never mention the holidays! That is not a positive of the job. Not at all. Any mention of holidays illicit a very very angry response!

I say Thai as someone who understands that teachers do a tough job - I just don’t think they are alone in that. And I think as a profession they complain a disproportionate amount!!

Honestly, how ridiculous. What makes you think this is a unique situation to teaching? It's not like you've enlisted or joined MI5.

A teacher might teach one the difference between elicit and illicit, mind...

I don't think teachers work harder than anyone else (they do get slagged off a lot though as everyone went to school, which makes them experts!).

However, national surveys routinely show classroom teachers doing around 60 hours a week so it's essentially a 40 hour a week job that's intensively packed into termtime and with the teaching part being entirely inflexible - if the class if there you have to be there.

That actually is pretty unusual for a "profession" - the lack of autonomy plus the bottlenecks.

The op has never once said that teachers have it harder.

She just asked for experiences from teachers.

To be honest, only teachers can understand the role of a teacher just as only doctors can understand the specific requirements of being a doctor and only lawyers can understand the specific requirements of being a lawyer.

I really sympathise.
You've got a lot on your plate (also with the pick-ups and drop-offs on top of it all - it all mounts up with time and energy).
His poor understanding/attitude is putting a lot of pressure on you.
I think you're going to have to have the chat otherwise you will start to resent him.

Non teacher here but I would expect full time teaching is equivalent to full time anything else. So 40hrs a week 48 weeks a year... 1920hrs

A teachers 'school day' is 32.5hrs a week 38 weeks a year = 1235hrs so there is 685hrs to be done 'somewhere else'.

685hrs equates to 18hrs a week if you don't work school holidays or 3.5hrs a day so a 10hr day if you don't work weekends either (something like 7am-5pm 5days a week) or 8-4 on a school day with 10hrs somewhere else in the week or 380hrs over the holidays. My guess is most teachers do a combination of when they work the non 'school day' hours depending in what else is going on in their lives...

I'm sure many teachers 'get away' with less hours and I am sure some do more but as an outsider I would see equivalent time as 'acceptable'.

I think your calcs are broadly correct LittleOwl.

And OP didn't complain about the hours!

OP, if you repost in Staffroom you may get some more relevant responses and experiences.

Margo 34

Plan and resource in PPA; live mark during lessons and give feedback as you go. 🤷

🤣🤣🤣
That’s priceless. Why didn’t I think of that?

I'm a primary teacher. I get 2 hours 45 minutes PPA time but only take two because it's covered by my TA and otherwise I have to fit around her lunchtime and its more hassle than it's worth. I also have to plan and prepare resources for her so by the time I've spent time doing that I dont really save any extra time. 2 hours is nowhere near enough time to plan, mark, prepare resources and do all the other stuff needed so I do an hour or two every evening and about 3 hours on Sundays. More at this time of year when it's report time. I could do less in the evenings if I stayed later at school every day but my own DC have activities sometimes and I want them to be able to do those.

I have been teaching twenty years and take all the shortcuts possible but there is still stuff to do in the evenings. I try to never do more than one day in the holidays though, except setting up the classroom at the end of the summer holidays.

DH is a secondary teacher and almost never brings work home. He teaches only exam subjects so he plans everything for the year ahead in the final part of the summer term when most of his pupils are on exam leave. My planning would never work like that. His school is also open until 7pm so he can stay and work later. It has caused some issues in our relationship at times but we've got used to it now.

FFS read the full thread! I'm linking this thread next time someone claims teachers say they work longer hours than other professions - as evidence to the contrary. The OP has stated over and over again they don't think that, nor did they ever imply it in their OP, yet several posters have made comments suggesting they have. People's lack of reading comprehension astounds me sometimes. And once again it's a thread that has been massively derailed because people have jumped on the OP for something she never said.

Different roles and jobs can bring challenges to relationships if you aren’t accustomed to them. DH sometimes travels for work, it’s just how it is.

My big problem I think is that when I’m at ‘work’ I am at home as well sometimes. So now for example I have around ten books left to mark before tomorrow and I’d prefer to do that this afternoon so I can plan this evening, but whether DH will accept I do need to do this or just get under my feet a bit I don’t know

I'm a non teacher, married to a teacher.
DH didn't become a teacher until he was 30 so it was a hard adjustment - his old job literally finished the second he left the building.

DH works most evenings for an hour or so and spends a few hours on a Sunday evening finishing things off and getting ready for the week.
By contrast, my job is generally 8-4:30 5 days per week with the odd (once or twice a month) really long day where I'll work for a few extra hours - and I take that time back later.

A sticking point for us used to be housework - he had this view that I should do more because he had to work, but my thoughts were that he's choosing not to use his time as wisely as he could so it isn't fair to expect me to pick up the slack.
I feel like he should just do a solid few hours one day and have a few nights off.
We've ended up compromising - I do more during term time but I do almost nothing during school holidays.

One thing I would say OP, is don't under estimate how lonely your DH may be. I love my DH but spending evening after evening on my own while he works has been boring and it's taken a while to find ways to use my time without feeling resentful.

If I'm honest, him having to work at home so often annoys me but I am aware that's a bit shitty of me so I don't bring it up and I wouldn't ever get in his way or try to stop him.

It's ridiculous because the fact the OP is a teacher is wholly irrelevant to the point that her husband doesn't understand the need to work outside of hours. He must never have known anyone who works in any form of professional role, which would depend on his circle I guess.

That's sad, Frankly and it's difficult when you want company. Fortunately for us, as DH is quite introverted (and likes to do Peloton in the garage) it has worked out well for us, although we do get stressed if DD won't go to sleep.

I have had to invest in a home office for him though as university marking bottlenecks are something else. Sometimes he's got several hundred assignments to mark, but only occasionally, so that works quite well with me having a few dozen more regularly.

Our subjects have a bit of crossover and we sometimes mark each other's tests in a crisis!

Planning and marking is part of the role - you're choosing to time shift it to get more time with the DC/save money on childcare - this benefits all of you, but if it doesn't get done 4-6, it needs to get done 7-9.

I agree with this. If you can’t go to school early (childcare drop-off), can’t stay at school later than when the teaching day ends (childcare pick-up) and then are doing childcare/tea/bath & bed, then you’re essentially trying to fit in too much as a full-time, term-time schedule.

I’d ask him to cover at least 2 days of pick-ups or drop-offs, or leave DC in childcare longer on at least 2 days. Then agree Sunday afternoons or mornings are yours too for planning.

Your family load is unbalanced, that’s what he needs to understand. If he’s getting to work uninterrupted at his FT job between 9-6, across the 52-week year, then he’s doing X many hours work. You can only do your X many FT hours in term-time, and it doesn’t stop at school like his stops at the office. So you need an agreement that your ‘office hours’ are also X many uninterrupted hours at home (or in a coffee shop!) during term time.

My parents were teachers. My dad’s planning & workload was vastly different to my mum’s. It’s all about negotiation and respect at the end of the day, isn’t it?

Just remembered I signed DH up to a "dads n babies" playgroup one Saturday a month when I went back to work. I'd do a couple of hours' uninterrupted planning and then we'd get a babysitter and go out in the evening.

It annoyed me at the time that the dads' groups were on Saturdays with bacon sandwiches and the mums' groups on weekdays and no bacon bribe, but it worked for us!

The bacon sandwich would definitely win DH over!

I am absolutely not working all or even most of the time, and I think that’s why I find it a bit frustrating that when I AM I do want to be able to do it in peace.

Housework is another annoyance tbh, during school holidays I am a housewife and end up doing EVERYTHING.