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Original poster

Teacher married to non teacher

136 replies

Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 19:54

I don’t know if anyone else is in this boat or is married to a teacher and are not a teacher themselves.

DH doesn’t really understand my job. I don’t expect him to but I don’t think he gets that I do need time to work in the evenings or weekends (try not to do both.)

I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean!

OP posts:
4yodas · 04/06/2022 21:40

Yep I get you op I'm a non teacher married to a teacher and dh often works evenings. Another thing that annoys me is that my friends think I get loads of help from DH because they seem to think he works 9 till 3. He does appreciate the fact that I have to work half terms etc and picks up the slack then

MolliciousIntent · 04/06/2022 21:43

I'm married to a teacher, and he pretty much NEVER brings work home or stays late. And never has. On occasion in exam season he has a few essays to mark at the weekend, but other than that he works at work and that's it. He's been at the same school for many years and only receives positive feedback from SLT. Are you sure all the extra you're doing is necessary?

DrDreReturns · 04/06/2022 21:46

I'm a non teacher married to a teacher. I get she has to work extra in the evenings, weekends etc. However when I have to, very occasionally, work a few hours over in the evenings I get the Spanish inquisition. It seems teaching is the only career where you are allowed to work long hours.

Original poster
Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 21:47

@MolliciousIntent it depends on subject and maybe some schools are more generous with PPA than others, I don’t know.

But even if you do the minimal marking and prep, you still have to do some. There’s just no way round that.

OP posts:
DrMadelineMaxwell · 04/06/2022 21:47

I'm primary. There's not enough time in my PPA (one morning) to do it all, but I rarely take work home with me. I get in at 8 and finish off any last minute marking in the half hour then, as well as doing live marking, using our whole class feedback system and anything else before half 4 is after school. Except on nights I have SLT or staff meetings or a club.

He's used to me sitting looking for ideas at home on my laptop while he watches TV, or writing my reports, but I don't have any day where I routinely sit planning or marking at home. I learnt when my kids were little that any books taken home were usually returned to school in the exact same state as when I took them home due to my own children taking my time or me being too tired to look at them once they were in bed.

What I think he copes really well with is the fact that I'm paid more thn he is and I get so many more weeks off than he does. How he doesn't feel resentful at the amount of time I have off I don't know.

Original poster
Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 21:49

It would be a peculiar relationship that harboured resentment for someone who works in a school being off in the school holidays.

OP posts:
ladybugzrock · 04/06/2022 21:50

SLT member,

MolliciousIntent · 04/06/2022 21:52

Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 21:47

@MolliciousIntent it depends on subject and maybe some schools are more generous with PPA than others, I don’t know.

But even if you do the minimal marking and prep, you still have to do some. There’s just no way round that.

He's an English teacher in a v stretched comp - I doubt he's doing the bare minimum because that's just not who he is, but he's at school from 8-4 and doesn't work at home.

ladybugzrock · 04/06/2022 21:55

Senior leader primary. Can't imagine a world where I wasn't working long hours. My partner totally gets that I have to work late into the night. The two hours of PPA I have would never cover the depth of planning I need to do to effectively teach my class for a week, amazed at some of these responses.

Your partner needs to be more cognisant of your work load.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/06/2022 22:21

Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 19:54

I don’t know if anyone else is in this boat or is married to a teacher and are not a teacher themselves.

DH doesn’t really understand my job. I don’t expect him to but I don’t think he gets that I do need time to work in the evenings or weekends (try not to do both.)

I don’t know if anyone knows what I mean!

Surely lots of people work at weekends and in evenings??

I know I do - and in my friendship group there are two accountants, a solicitor, a doctor and a couple of civil servants - and of course a teacher!

everyone works outside 9 to 5. Why is this so difficult for your husband to understand?

Mellowyellow222 · 04/06/2022 22:25

DrDreReturns · 04/06/2022 21:46

I'm a non teacher married to a teacher. I get she has to work extra in the evenings, weekends etc. However when I have to, very occasionally, work a few hours over in the evenings I get the Spanish inquisition. It seems teaching is the only career where you are allowed to work long hours.

OMG this!!!

the one teacher in our groups complains for hours and hours about the long hours she works and the marking she does on a Sunday afternoon. But she doesn’t seem to believe that the rest of us do anything outside 9-5. And in the same breath she complains of her head calls a meeting at 3:30pm because she will be late home.

I keep telling her it’s not a competition😂😂.

BotterMon · 04/06/2022 22:27

Yes - non-teacher here married to a teacher. I don't think it's your job that's the issue, but that your DH is needy.

I work far longer hours than teacher DH but we are both very independent and if one needs to work, the other just does something else.

Onwards22 · 04/06/2022 22:33

I know I do - and in my friendship group there are two accountants, a solicitor, a doctor and a couple of civil servants - and of course a teacher!

Wow I didn’t realise accountants worked evenings and weekends too, I assumed they had set hours.
I get why solicitors would have to.

glamourousindierockandroll · 04/06/2022 22:35

Secondary English. School I'm at has a modern feedback policy and a collaborative approach to planning. I do most of my work between 7-5, unless i'm marking assessments. I'm a big advocate of 'good enough is good enough' and I don't waste any time at work.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/06/2022 22:35

Onwards22 · 04/06/2022 22:33

I know I do - and in my friendship group there are two accountants, a solicitor, a doctor and a couple of civil servants - and of course a teacher!

Wow I didn’t realise accountants worked evenings and weekends too, I assumed they had set hours.
I get why solicitors would have to.

In most professions there is no hourly clocking and out.

I don’t know any accountants who don’t work outside normal hours. Not for meetings of course, but to finish reports, meet deadlines, manage paperwork, stay on top of emails.

moonlight1705 · 04/06/2022 22:40

I'm a non teacher and DH is a secondary History teacher. I understand he has to work hard in the evenings and weekends which he does a lot of the time.

However, what annoys me if that if I have a hard day then it can never be as bad as his day because he's a teacher don't cha know!! No matter what I've done then it will never be as hard as his life as a teacher....I tell him to quit and find another job then but turns out he likes teaching as long as he can complain about it on the way.

wellhelloitsme · 04/06/2022 22:43

Onwards22 · 04/06/2022 22:33

I know I do - and in my friendship group there are two accountants, a solicitor, a doctor and a couple of civil servants - and of course a teacher!

Wow I didn’t realise accountants worked evenings and weekends too, I assumed they had set hours.
I get why solicitors would have to.

It's shocking isn't it? So different to my parents generation for example where office hours were definitely more widely adhered to.

I am mid thirties and genuinely don't think I have any friends in any profession who routinely work office / set hours. It does feel like nowadays we are all expected to be on call, working as deemed necessary whenever deemed necessary. Especially in client facing roles where companies prioritise client satisfaction over employee wellness and work / life balance.

I'm glad I work for myself even though I still do silly hours very regularly, because at least I can think it's my decision and technically I don't 'have' to do it. But it's an illusion really as I still often feel it's necessary in order to remain competitive in the industry.

SarahAndQuack · 04/06/2022 22:45

I agree with others saying this isn't about you being a teacher; it's about him. I think a lot of people somehow see teaching as a nice, easy, family-friendly job and want to insist it can't possibly require as much after-hours work as other better-paid white collar jobs.

My DP started teacher training then promptly realised it wasn't for her; when we met, I was teaching in HE, and even though she'd done some of the training, she really didn't get how much extra work marking and preparing classes can be.

My theory is that it's because when you ask people about their best teachers, they remember people who didn't stick boringly to the syllabus or to a lesson plant - they were spontaneous; they paid attention to students as individuals; they were able to facilitate spur-of-the-moment digressions and discussions that went in unexpected directions. What people don't realise is, this actually takes more preparation than the alternative, not less!

SarahAndQuack · 04/06/2022 22:47

(And FWIW, I now do a job that's absolutely clock-on-clock-off, and even so, last week I worked 8.30am-9pm, because it was perfectly clear that my nice, stress-free, clock-on-clock-off job wasn't going to be available to me if I couldn't cope with the occasional very long day. I got paid for it, but I do think the expectation of a 9-5 job has been eroded, and I think it's a symptom of our unhealthy work/life balance in the UK.)

Thebeastofsleep · 04/06/2022 22:47

DH was a teacher. I refused to have kids with him whilst he was a teacher because the workload was so invasive in to our life.

He now earns 3 times as much, working around 50% of the hours. No weekend working and very little essential evening stuff.

Mellowyellow222 · 04/06/2022 22:49

Darknessinlight · 04/06/2022 21:36

Thanks, but I’m not looking to be told other jobs are tough. I realise that.

But then why have you specified it has to be teachers married to non-teachers?

it implies you believe than only teachers work long hours - when you are asking about your husband not being able to understand that you need to work outside normal 9-5 hours.

MarianosOnHisWay · 04/06/2022 22:56

Thebeastofsleep · 04/06/2022 22:47

DH was a teacher. I refused to have kids with him whilst he was a teacher because the workload was so invasive in to our life.

He now earns 3 times as much, working around 50% of the hours. No weekend working and very little essential evening stuff.

What does he do now? Asking for a *ahem friend 😉

FruitToast · 04/06/2022 22:57

Non-teacher married to a teacher. He works in the evenings/weekends and I often need to do work at home in the evenings/at weekends (NHS). I think a lot of people need to do work out of hours now as everyone is so stretched.

2MinuteRice · 04/06/2022 23:02

I'm married to a teacher. Everyone thinks that teachers work short hours, they don't appear to see that there is extra work.

I completely understand when there is extra work. I have a similar situation.

I might get frustrated sometimes when it's left until the last moment and I didn't know about it. Purely because in my head I had earmarked that time together.
It's not the end of the world, just wish it could be difficult

Bakingwithmyboys · 04/06/2022 23:11

Teacher here married a non teacher. It perhaps took him a little while to get it (after 14 years my in-laws still don't and are shocked that I cant do housework/meal prep in the evenings). I always have my Fri and sat evenings I never work. They are for us.

I'm amazed how many teachers can do it all in the 7-5 slot and not bring anything home. I'm primary but our PPA is with our year teams and we chat through the planning, then go away and make the lessons. All it needs is extra data that's needed or looking at something else someone has asked us to and that's our PPA gone. Not helped this year by there always being a behaviour issue to deal with.

Anyway. DH is a gamer so actually loves that he gets evenings to play that uninterrupted. Can you encourage him into a hobby?