In laws and holiday finances / expectations

[OLP2019]

Can’t work out if iabu since historically I do think I’ve encouraged some of this behaviour.
Quick back story is dh and I have lived overseas for many years and in that time have built a very successful business and don’t have many money worries.
DMIL did badly in her divorce from DFIL 20 odd years ago - has always been very self sufficient and owns her own home etc with a small mortgage but doesn’t have a large pension and is in fact still working part time at almost 70 (though is young and fit)
Over the years I’ve encouraged DH to treat his mum for example paying for flights to visit us instead of xmas and bday gifts and have even at times talked to him about ways to help her and relieve her stress (which she talks to me about) regarding having to still work and pay her mortgage and having only a small pension etc as it seems wild to me to have her struggle when we’re able to help her
He’s always wanting to do things for her but is also respectful of it being our finances and doesn’t do anything without talking to me first.
Anyway it’s always been fine she’ll come and visit and we’ll mostly foot the cost of eating out and that sort of thing but she has done things in lieu such as babysit or cooking dinner that kind of thing.

Anyway she visited recently for longer than usual and firstly it illustrated to me that I definitely have a limit of tolerance even though she insists “oh I’m not a guest I’m not in the way “ etc the reality is we’re constantly treating her and also factoring her into any plans we have - she is young at heart and fun and our friends like her so this isn’t really an issue

What did become an issue was this visit her entitlement definitely stepped up a notch. For example in almost 4 weeks she didn’t buy so much as a bottle of wine (though drank our stash daily) and even went so far as to inform me one day that we needed milk bread and eggs instead of - you know - just going to buy some !!! She didn’t cook dinner once, she didn’t buy us a meal out once even though we went for many (including inexpensive breakfasts ) . If we went to the supermarket she would say as I paid “oh do you want some money?” And I would think well give me some as a gesture I’m not going to ask !!!

Anyway she’s coming back to visit again this time with SIL BIL and two nephews and we’ve actually had to rent another house for them to stay in since our house doesn’t have the space (they’re paying their own flights but haven’t offered anytbint for accommodation)
I would like to suggest that we do a holiday “kitty” where we all put in an amount and all purchases (groceries booze etc) are paid with that - obvs we will likely pay for some meals out for all of us and I’m ok with that but I don’t want to be renting them a house and also getting groceries in for a 2 week holiday !! How can I suggest this without sounding like a weirdo ?
For context we often go away with my parents and my sis and family and we always do a kitty which we top up a few times over the holiday - and if any party pays for a meal on their on credit card we keep track and sort it out at the end so no one is out of pocket. The main difference is the finances of my family being more equal and DH sister also struggles
Dh family not like this but also don’t holiday like this ever since I’ve known them so I don’t want to seem controlling and tight !! Personally it's more about the gestures (cooking a meal for example) than paying for stuff because otherwise it feels like taking the piss

Holiday kitty is great idea.

Keep it nice and light and send an email before they arrive. Presumably your dh will do though.

He should finish up with repeating how much looking forward to having them over and some plans you have arranged.

light, positive but get agreement re details BEFORE arrival

I can see how you ended up there with MIL. But how the hell did you end up paying for a house for BIL, SIL and the nephews? "Where are you staying?" would have been the question.

I'm not sure I'd do a kitty because they are very bicker-prone. And 4 weeks out when everyone is clearly expecting you to pay and they are skint is bound to create issues.

Can you just look at BIL/SIL and say, "do you mind cooking tonight?" At some point?

TBF the simmering resentment at my similarly entitled brother bubbled over at Christmas last so I'm not one to talk!

Yes the email sounds good, but keep lighthearted. All that stuff would annoy me too!

Simmering resentment is right ! I've had years of them all saying "thanks DH" when we've picked up the tab at a meal - I've now trained him to say "yes and thanks OLP" !!
Good thing is he also noticed it this visit so we're on the same page!
To answer PP when the trip was booked we had a house with enough bedrooms for all but have found ourselves moving to another place- I refuse to share a room with my kids for 2 weeks and offered to go away to a friends house ha ha
The kicker is that FIL is also coming - they're divorced and civil enough for a lunch every now and then but a 2 week holiday is going to be hell !!

I don't think it's awkward. Bil/Sil....we've got a few bits in the fridge to start you off but then you can pop to the super Market and get the things you like. We know you will want to cook at home some nights as it's too expensive for us all to eat out too often.

And when discussing eating out.....shall we split the bill 2 ways? (Assuming you have kids as well)......that's bil/sil opportunity to say they will treat you. If it's not forthcoming don't etc out again.

Won't it be easier with them in a different house? Surely you would leave them to buy their own food and have the occasional shared meal?

If they're in another house surely you don't need to provide food for that other house. Or maybe suggest you take it in turns providing evening meals

Just tell them where the supermarket is when they arrive. They aren’t living with you so thats fine. On dinners out just say “would you like to take it in turns to pay or just split the bill at the table”

It's hard when it's joint money, hey. As an alternative, have you ever considered separate savings accounts or everyday accounts for example, so that your dh's financial choices don't interest or affect you? I can see how it's annoying for you when it's coming out of your money.

If they are in a different house surely they'll be responsible for stocking with groceries etc. I'd put some basics in in day 1 and then leave them directions to the supermarket/takeaways etc
Will she/they expect to see you every day?

I would just leave them to get on with it in their own and only invite them for meals when you are happy to pay for them. You won't have to spend all 2 weeks with them? Surely as a holiday for them they'll want to do their own things a bit as well?

Definitely an email in advance from your DH setting expectations and a text when they arrive saying OLP has got some basics in but the nearest supermarket is down the road.

If the expectation is that they’ll be in your house for dinner every night then nip that in the bud and suggest alternate nights in each place, taking it in turns to cook

Your MIL offered to contribute to the shopping? Your fault for not saying ‘Thanks MIL, Inapprexiare the offer - why don’t we go halves on this one’.

BIL/SIL issue is fairly simple as others have said, DH should message in advance to say - ‘looking forward to seeing you all! Just thinking about meals - are you thinking of eating out at all, happy to book a few places depending on what you wanted to spend. We can eat in some nights, perhaps take it in turns to cook?.’ And send them maps of where the supermarkets are.

Thanks for the comments - pp are right about the other house and just getting basics in for arrival.
Yes i imagine we will be expected to see them every day believe it or not - I'm guessing where meals at home might end up unless as you say I put my foot down early !
Not to drip feed but we live somewhere with only one major supermarket a 30 mins drive away otherwise only local fresh veg and stapes so the shopping part can be significant if not planned that's for sure

These are the in laws who came to stay 2 weeks post birth of first DC who arrived the day I had a d&c under general the day they landed and 1 day later drove them to a holiday cottage a good 2/3 hours away because we had to go in more than 1 car and none of them willing to drive abroad !!! Still holding onto that one 14 years later ha ha

Loads of good ideas here.

You have been generous and people have taken you for granted. Hope it works out.

@kelly yes she kept "offering" but hard to explain knowing she didn't really mean it and would have been surprised if I had said yes ok your share is X ! In hindsight I will start doing that for sure !! In my mind she could have lost got her purse out and paid once or twice

@lassof it's not really anything to do with joint finances just the expectation that he / we will cover stuff - yes we're a lot better off and we can afford it however sometimes it's just a gesture (not even money!) of let me clean up / make a meal / buy a bottle of wine / anything !!! I definitely would never expect to go halves on everything over two weeks my guess is they simply can't afford to pay for a meal for 10 people ever but I just want to shake them of the inference that everything is covered for them cos their son "is rich"

Oh and dh said he'd pay for her to check and extra bag as we wanted stuff brought over and had to have a wry smile when she mentioned that he owed her for that lol😂

I agree with PP about getting basics in only for their accommodation. Find a way that they shop by themselves and you pick them up after they have paid.

What is your relationships like with your mil and sil etc?

Actually relationship is pretty good until as I say this recent trip - way better than most in laws probably - hence why I have always encouraged the "looking after " or "treating " aspect but I feel like it's verging on a piss take recently

But he is rich? And many sons would want to pay for their mothers (possibly not whole extended family lol). It doesn't sound like he has a problem with it? The real issue is that it's not just him paying, but that's because you have fully entwined finances.
Totally - you shouldn't be paying! But where is his room to manoeuvre if he wants to pay without it being your concern?

My ex husband would always pay for his parents without a second thought.

i know friends do same for their parents too those with single mothers less well off than them

If we went to the supermarket she would say as I paid “oh do you want some money?” And I would think well give me some as a gesture I’m not going to ask !!!

so she does offer
just not in the way YOU think she should