In laws and holiday finances / expectations

[OLP2019]

Can’t work out if iabu since historically I do think I’ve encouraged some of this behaviour.
Quick back story is dh and I have lived overseas for many years and in that time have built a very successful business and don’t have many money worries.
DMIL did badly in her divorce from DFIL 20 odd years ago - has always been very self sufficient and owns her own home etc with a small mortgage but doesn’t have a large pension and is in fact still working part time at almost 70 (though is young and fit)
Over the years I’ve encouraged DH to treat his mum for example paying for flights to visit us instead of xmas and bday gifts and have even at times talked to him about ways to help her and relieve her stress (which she talks to me about) regarding having to still work and pay her mortgage and having only a small pension etc as it seems wild to me to have her struggle when we’re able to help her
He’s always wanting to do things for her but is also respectful of it being our finances and doesn’t do anything without talking to me first.
Anyway it’s always been fine she’ll come and visit and we’ll mostly foot the cost of eating out and that sort of thing but she has done things in lieu such as babysit or cooking dinner that kind of thing.

Anyway she visited recently for longer than usual and firstly it illustrated to me that I definitely have a limit of tolerance even though she insists “oh I’m not a guest I’m not in the way “ etc the reality is we’re constantly treating her and also factoring her into any plans we have - she is young at heart and fun and our friends like her so this isn’t really an issue

What did become an issue was this visit her entitlement definitely stepped up a notch. For example in almost 4 weeks she didn’t buy so much as a bottle of wine (though drank our stash daily) and even went so far as to inform me one day that we needed milk bread and eggs instead of - you know - just going to buy some !!! She didn’t cook dinner once, she didn’t buy us a meal out once even though we went for many (including inexpensive breakfasts ) . If we went to the supermarket she would say as I paid “oh do you want some money?” And I would think well give me some as a gesture I’m not going to ask !!!

Anyway she’s coming back to visit again this time with SIL BIL and two nephews and we’ve actually had to rent another house for them to stay in since our house doesn’t have the space (they’re paying their own flights but haven’t offered anytbint for accommodation)
I would like to suggest that we do a holiday “kitty” where we all put in an amount and all purchases (groceries booze etc) are paid with that - obvs we will likely pay for some meals out for all of us and I’m ok with that but I don’t want to be renting them a house and also getting groceries in for a 2 week holiday !! How can I suggest this without sounding like a weirdo ?
For context we often go away with my parents and my sis and family and we always do a kitty which we top up a few times over the holiday - and if any party pays for a meal on their on credit card we keep track and sort it out at the end so no one is out of pocket. The main difference is the finances of my family being more equal and DH sister also struggles
Dh family not like this but also don’t holiday like this ever since I’ve known them so I don’t want to seem controlling and tight !! Personally it's more about the gestures (cooking a meal for example) than paying for stuff because otherwise it feels like taking the piss

Sunny that is awful. A friend was friends with a wealthy man who many will have heard of and he got bloody fed up with being expected to pay for everyone when their group went out even though he could well afford it.

doodleygirl
We will always pay for my mum and often treat her with extras. This is your DH mum, if you can afford to pay for her you should. You make it sound as if you are doing her such a great favour by paying her flights to come and see you, I would expect you would want to do this. I agree not necessarly the wider family, although we would.

Horses for courses I suppose but it just seems so petty.

I’d say it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, I’m sure there’s only so much you can take of being a bank for everyone every time and never getting even the slightest show of gratitude. And they are doing her a great favour paying for flights!! In what world is paying for someone to travel not a big deal?!

Sil and family doesn’t live locally

how often do you get together with SIL and family?

I would never in a million years expect a guest to pay their way. However, never in a million years would I not expect them to leave some wine or flowers or both as a thank you. If they don't I judge, albeit silently.

DH's sister has form for this as well as continually bleating how poor she is. One day I'll say "well couldn't you do a few extra shifts or work full-time if you have so little money".

I am still reading the replies and appreciate those that understand where I'm coming from.
It's certainly not a cultural thing to answer a PP!
And rather than being about the "cost of eggs" I think as someone commented it's more about symbolic gestures - helping out, making a meal , buying some wine, entertaining the kids etc - rather than coming and treating it like a free holiday with all the bells and whistles laid on!
mIL also hosts us in her home when we visit / and more often than not we go and stock up on groceries, take everyone out for meals etc even when we are the "guests"
I don't know - it's not even about the money it's the feeling of being taken for granted and just assuming everything will be taken care of that gets to me. It's been 20 years and can't see it changing so probably just need to disconnect tbh !

Op
how often has your sil and family visited and you picked up the tab?

Not for a few years actually what's your point ?

Ok so for a “few years”- the in laws haven’t expected anything from you. You have given the impression that this is a regular thing!

MIL and FIL visited us 2/3 times a year actually. When we visit them, we see SIL and family and also pick up the tab. Not sure the point you're making here

i thought the mil and fil had divorced 20 years ago

youve not mentioned him. So he also visits and doesn’t pay for anything despite doing well in the divorce?

Your husband should have a candid conversation with his brother/sister and say basically say we have paid for the house so we expect you to cover your own family expenses while you are here including mother as we paid for her last holiday here. That would be fair and I would have the conversation first so its all very clear beforehand. You have already been very generous renting a house for them all so if there is any pushback on paying their own expenses, its very much CF territory.