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Original poster

Rapidly deteriorating relationship with daughter

81 replies

Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 22:46

My daughter is almost 14 and has always been fiercely independent, which is a good thing, but at the moment is causing big problems.

She has very long school days, and competes at a high level in a sport, which requires training nearly every night, weekend competitions, etc.

The problem is this; when she's at home she does the absolute bare minimum, won't do simple jobs without a big fuss, chooses to spend all of her time in her room on her phone, and is pretty rude and disrespectful. I generally have to ask her multiple times to do something, e.g., get her sports stuff ready for the next day's training before bed, or to put school uniform in the washing bin, the list goes on.

She's a good kid, but, seems to think it's the right of teenagers to hate their parents, and is always saying she hates being here, etc. Her phone causes a lot of disagreements as she seems to be in near constant conversation on Snapchat when she is home, which means she's always distracted by it, or forgets to do things because she's got distracted by it. I admit I'm concerned about addiction to things like Snapchat, she seems to need that validation from it, and a massive fear of missing something. Other parents seem less bothered by what their kids are doing, e.g., one was posting provocative photos of themselves aged 13, another was contacting boys she didn't know on Snap, aged 12 - parents seemingly oblivious.

I'm worried that the amount of arguments is damaging our relationship, but, I don't want her to just be allowed to do what she wants, when she wants. Anyone out the other side with some ways to navigate through this?

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 30/05/2022 22:50

Very long school days, training every night and competitions at the weekend sounds like far too much pressure for a 13 yr old. It's not surprising she doesn't want to do much else when she gets home.

Thepossibility · 30/05/2022 22:53

I think she isn't fiercely independent if she's not doing simple jobs for herself at this age. She's just taking the bits off being independent that suit her. Remind her to do things once and if she doesn't do them then she suffers the consequence for example dirty or forgotten kit. We follow a no technology until everything is done rule in our house. Dinner, shower, whatever homework. Seems to get them moving.

Discovereads · 30/05/2022 22:54

She doesn’t have time to be addicted. I think you’re projecting a tad. Also with such an exhausting schedule, no wonder all she wants is some mindless downtime. If you’re concerned about arguments, stop starting them.

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 22:55

CheshireCats · 30/05/2022 22:50

Very long school days, training every night and competitions at the weekend sounds like far too much pressure for a 13 yr old. It's not surprising she doesn't want to do much else when she gets home.

It's not pressure, it's 100% her choice. Competitions aren't every weekend (I realise in OP it may have read like that).

So you're suggesting that I shouldn't expect her to unload the dishwasher once or twice a week, or put her school uniform in the washing bin? It's too much for her on top of the other things she does? Maybe my expectations are too high.

OP posts:
SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 22:56

Oh I'm well out of the other side, thankfully.

I think you seriously need to think about the following things (possibly in Venn diagram style at some point):

The phone. Does she see it as her right, or as a privilege?

The sport. Who is the driving force behind that? Is the intensity necessary, good for her, and worth it? (Don't get me wrong, my kids - now adults - had and have Big Interests and I know they're important. But elite intense sports are something else.)

The general attitude. If you don't reach a mutual agreement of basic civility soon, you'll have a rotten few years. What are your boundaries? How often do you talk to her? Does she see you as fully human?

Finally - there are some great books that I'm sure other posters can recommened about talking to young teenagers. Their brains go funny. For up to a decade. 😱

ThisisMax · 30/05/2022 22:56

You do know you can make changes here, like as a parent would do? Like rules around phone, snapchat, doing jobs etc. You also sound vaguely pleased that she is fiercely independent, which I dont think she is.

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 22:58

What sport is it and whose choice is it that she partakes in all this?

Sounds like a gruelling life, I wouldnt have thougth she has time to be addicted or just have time to be and do nothing.

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 22:58

Discovereads · 30/05/2022 22:54

She doesn’t have time to be addicted. I think you’re projecting a tad. Also with such an exhausting schedule, no wonder all she wants is some mindless downtime. If you’re concerned about arguments, stop starting them.

Um, I'm not sure you're in a position to know who's starting the arguments in my home! But thank you for taking the time to reply, it's appreciated :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 22:59

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 22:58

What sport is it and whose choice is it that she partakes in all this?

Sounds like a gruelling life, I wouldnt have thougth she has time to be addicted or just have time to be and do nothing.

It's 100% her choice, she's a swimmer. I've suggested she takes a break, but it's her passion.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 30/05/2022 23:02

Well then in that case, she has a choice, she continues as she is with her sport but partakes in some basic stuff that a child of her age should be engaging in such as the odd chore as chosen by you/boundaries around the phone

Or she loses the privilege of doing all this sport which seems to be interfering with her ability to live a balanced life.

Maireas · 30/05/2022 23:04

This is very typical at 14, but you need to do something about the phone, it can get really toxic. Can you limit her data, time spent on it etc?

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 23:04

ThisisMax · 30/05/2022 22:56

You do know you can make changes here, like as a parent would do? Like rules around phone, snapchat, doing jobs etc. You also sound vaguely pleased that she is fiercely independent, which I dont think she is.

Absolutely, but this is what is causing the arguments. That's my issue.

Of course I'm pleased she's independent why wouldnt I be?! She'll happily come and cook herself food if she wants it earlier than us (I offer to do it, she likes doing it herself). The issue is that she won't do things when asked without a fuss or multiple reminders.

OP posts:
Maireas · 30/05/2022 23:08

How is she doing at school? What's her tracking like?
Has she got anxiety about starting ks4?

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 23:08

SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 22:56

Oh I'm well out of the other side, thankfully.

I think you seriously need to think about the following things (possibly in Venn diagram style at some point):

The phone. Does she see it as her right, or as a privilege?

The sport. Who is the driving force behind that? Is the intensity necessary, good for her, and worth it? (Don't get me wrong, my kids - now adults - had and have Big Interests and I know they're important. But elite intense sports are something else.)

The general attitude. If you don't reach a mutual agreement of basic civility soon, you'll have a rotten few years. What are your boundaries? How often do you talk to her? Does she see you as fully human?

Finally - there are some great books that I'm sure other posters can recommened about talking to young teenagers. Their brains go funny. For up to a decade. 😱

Thank you, this is helpful.

She definitely sees the phone as her right. She'll still confide in me, but the arguing seems to be taking over at the moment, and no, she does not see me as a human, just an annoying mum who nags!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/05/2022 23:09

Maybe you should just let her fail at things, so e.g. she doesn't take her sports stuff with her and then she gets a bollocking from her coach. Perhaps you should just back right off as far as anything like that is concerned because in the end if it causes her aggravation she'll just do it.

As far as housework is concerned, I would expect her to do things on days where she doesn't have sport or school, but I'd probably let her off it the rest of the time.

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 23:12

@Maireas yes, maybe limiting data would help; she'd then need to learn to budget her time on the phone. She's doing really well in school, set 1 or 2 for everything that's setted. When we've talked about GCSEs she's just been quite positive about them, keen to drop the subjects she's less in to, and able to focus on what she enjoys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 23:14

@HollowTalk that's a good idea, she'd hate to be in trouble, so maybe that will have a bigger impact than me nagging.

OP posts:
SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 23:17

Do you mind me asking, is it just you and your daughter at home, or are there other family members in the equation? Obvs don't say if you don't want to.

Original poster
Subaru4336 · 30/05/2022 23:19

SpindleSheWrote · 30/05/2022 23:17

Do you mind me asking, is it just you and your daughter at home, or are there other family members in the equation? Obvs don't say if you don't want to.

My husband (father to both children) and her younger brother here too.

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/05/2022 23:19

HollowTalk · 30/05/2022 23:09

Maybe you should just let her fail at things, so e.g. she doesn't take her sports stuff with her and then she gets a bollocking from her coach. Perhaps you should just back right off as far as anything like that is concerned because in the end if it causes her aggravation she'll just do it.

As far as housework is concerned, I would expect her to do things on days where she doesn't have sport or school, but I'd probably let her off it the rest of the time.

I agree with this. Much better way to learn than being nagged by your mum.
I did this with my 8 yr old recently, I let him be late for school (he hates being late) because I was fed up of nagging him. He just needs one time reminder now.

im assuming she doesn’t want to wear dirty school clothes. So just don’t wash her clothes unless they’re in the wash basket. You can warn her that’s the new rule then she decides if she wants her clothes washed or not.

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 23:23

Yes natural consequences OP.
But dont do it in a naggy way of 'and so if you're late/havent got your kit, its your problem'

Sit her down and say you dont like all the arguments and feeling that you're getting at her so you're not going to remind her about her kit/clothes anymore so that she doesnt have to feel you're going on and you trust her to do those things without reminding.

trainnane · 30/05/2022 23:23

My DD is identical. Different sport but full on schedule. Her choice. She does other stuff too. Spare time is on her phone. Rarely Helps

mdinbc · 30/05/2022 23:32

Teenagers can be rotten to their mums. I remember that age, and I think I cried more than once about how my daughter treated me with such disdain. Just know that the turn back into humans around 18 or 19!

The eye rolling, huffing and door slamming seem to be endemic to teenage girls, also embarrassment of their mum in front of others.

Just remind them that there are rules to living harmoniously in a family and they need to respect your home and your time. Have a conversation when you are not in a conflict over messy room, disorganized gear or screen time. Sometime the best time to talk is when you are driving - that's when you have them captive! haha Let her know that you won't have to 'nag' if the basics are covered. Also, as others suggested, a small failure can be a lesson learned.

Bunty55 · 30/05/2022 23:44

I've had teenagers who had out of school activities. My oldest son was involved with swimming and it took a lot of his time. They all did things out of school and I was the taxi. Life was busy, never a dull moment and not a lot of time to myself. I remember what it was like.
I also worked hard, and looking back i wonder how we crammed it all in but I was a lot younger then and had more energy. Could not do it now, but in those days you did not have time to think about being tired.
Long school days you say ? Why ? Are her school days longer than other children's
There is no excuse for rudeness. Does she get pocket money? Does she consider it to be a right? I think pocket money should be earned and that means by not being rude, and if there are house rules, such as putting dirty clothes in the wash and tidying bedrooms then they should be done or there is no pocket money.
It's all about respect. You respect her (too much by the sound of it) and so she should respect you for providing her with what she wants.
Boundaries are there for a reason. Create some

TheSandgroper · 31/05/2022 03:23
  1. Daughters of this age can be absolute bitch horrors. You have to accept this bit.
  2. She needs to respect you and be part of the family. She needs to learn actions and consequences. She needs to accept this bit.
I would advise the coach of your plan of action and go back to basics. Make a star chart with her competitions on it and if she gets enough stars by the time it’ll due to leave, she gets to go. If she doesn’t have enough stars, she stays home. She will make your life hell but she might only do it once. I had to refuse to take dd to her best friends birthday sleepover when she was almost in the car once. I now only have to reference that day and behaviour improves.

Get ownership of the phone codes and put parental controls on it. At this age, we had to lock laptop, iPad and phone away each evening and hide the key. That only lasted six months and her brain grew enough to self regulate better.

But keep looking forward. They do grow out of it.