Rapidly deteriorating relationship with daughter

[Subaru4336]

My daughter is almost 14 and has always been fiercely independent, which is a good thing, but at the moment is causing big problems.

She has very long school days, and competes at a high level in a sport, which requires training nearly every night, weekend competitions, etc.

The problem is this; when she's at home she does the absolute bare minimum, won't do simple jobs without a big fuss, chooses to spend all of her time in her room on her phone, and is pretty rude and disrespectful. I generally have to ask her multiple times to do something, e.g., get her sports stuff ready for the next day's training before bed, or to put school uniform in the washing bin, the list goes on.

She's a good kid, but, seems to think it's the right of teenagers to hate their parents, and is always saying she hates being here, etc. Her phone causes a lot of disagreements as she seems to be in near constant conversation on Snapchat when she is home, which means she's always distracted by it, or forgets to do things because she's got distracted by it. I admit I'm concerned about addiction to things like Snapchat, she seems to need that validation from it, and a massive fear of missing something. Other parents seem less bothered by what their kids are doing, e.g., one was posting provocative photos of themselves aged 13, another was contacting boys she didn't know on Snap, aged 12 - parents seemingly oblivious.

I'm worried that the amount of arguments is damaging our relationship, but, I don't want her to just be allowed to do what she wants, when she wants. Anyone out the other side with some ways to navigate through this?

I know exactly where you are coming from regarding after school activities and weekend competitions

For me it was routine from very early on that I would pick Dd up
I would have food, uniform and equipment for her to eat and change into in the car.
I would spend the 4-5 hours every weekday evening driving, dropping and picking up Dd to various activities.
Weekends were competitions sometimes or would be lessons or practice sessions from 9.30am-7pm (at 14 instead of going to the normal lessons she got a job as a teaching assistant and started helping out with the little ones but would then do the practice sessions at competition times)
Dd was a qualified teacher in 2 of the activities by the time she was 17
She even missed her school prom because she was at a competition miles away (her choice)

The only thing I asked was that her room was her responsibility. I don’t think I asked her once to even get any of her uniforms ready let alone unload a dishwasher which apparently when I told people they said I was child creating a lazy child who would grow up and become a lazy adult
Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have also a Ds who also did different activities so my evenings were sometimes a scheduling nightmare and my petrol bill was astronomical.

For Dd those activities are what she has made a career doing

Should add that forme I realised early on that neither Dd or Ds would be academic. They both have learning difficulties and are ADHD. Dd is also seeking an autism assessment. The normal route of GCSES, A Levels, degree and get a job was off the table I had to think outside the box and looked at different activities.

Funnily enough despite Dd leave school at 17 to become self employed because of the level of exams she took in various activities she has enough UCAS points for university if she wanted to go

OP how did you get on? From one swimmer to another, I always think of your post and your swimmer daughter and how your chat after training went? Hope you found some common ground.

@Mariposista thanks for checking in, that's really thoughtful of you.

Things are much much better! We had an open and honest chat, and I definitely understand where she's coming from better, and she also sees my perspective a bit more clearly too, so a lot less arguing happening and a more contented household!

That's good news OP. Parenting teenagers is hard, we need to be so flexible in how we respond to them developing so quickly.

Sarah-Jayne Blakemore's book on the teenage brain is really good. One point to note is that teens really do perceive things differently, particularly facial expressions which they often interpret as more hostile than they actually are. Which explains that phenomenon where one is sitting there with a completely neutral or pleasant face and your teen suddenly shouts "WHAT???" like the Harry Enfield character. Teens genuinely can perceive things as hostile which other age groups find neutral, which explains a lot in terms of how they respond to stuff.

My 14yo told DH he has a 'resting disappointed face' 😂

It’s tough OP.

Every teenager and parent is different.

It’s nice to get others’ views. But IMO, Mumsnet tends to be overly liberal. It’s complicated these days by the whole phone thing … 😧. I’m out of it now - I had a nightmare teenage son. It went on for years. I hope you have better luck. For more normal teenagey issues I think they usually get over them within a year, if you are patient, request the minimum and try and get on otherwise.

But really very little advice helps, at least in my experience 😱. But others fare better!