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Original poster

what would you do if you realised you basically don't have friends?

87 replies

polka141 · 30/05/2022 21:04

you're early 30s, left the area you grew up in fairly young and have moved around a fair bit with work. you have one or two friends you have kept in touch with over the years who you make the effort to meet with probably 1-2/year as you no longer live in the same city but when you do you realise they have other friends theyre closer to and see more frequently. you don't have "a group". each time you move, you settle into work and have "work friends" that you occasionally see out of work e.g christmas party etc but nothing regular and again they're mostly from the area and have established friendship groups.

This is me. I also have a wonderful DH. I don't really have any particular hobbies, I go to the gym (have done for years but never made friends from it). Any advice what I could do at this age to make meaningful friendships?

OP posts:
tobedtoMN · 30/05/2022 21:08

I could have written your post at your age. Try not to be down on yourself.

Not sure how helpful this is but in my case things changed because

  1. i had kids. Kids make it much easier to meet people/ have stuff in common
  2. I've lived in the same town for 20 years.

Bottom line though my partner is my best friends and most others are acquaintances.

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 21:09

I often wonder what my funeral would like like. Tumbleweed blowing across the crematorium!

TopCatsTopHat · 30/05/2022 21:12

I was in that situation, I joined a team sport at a local club who was offering taster sessions. Enjoyed the activity and luckily enough I wasn't the only one putting a toe in the water for the same reasons. I got a bunch of friends out of that, some of whom lasted while I was involved in the club (for 7 years) and 4 of whom have lasted well beyond.
What we had in common was an open-ness to new friendships, we were all seeking that and that was why we were there (as well as enjoy the activity). The trouble with colleagues etc is that they are not necessarily looking for what you are so even if you get on well it might not blossom into a friendship.

Ragwort · 30/05/2022 21:13

What I've always done is volunteer and join organisations (WI, local politics, Church, litter picking, Park Run, Book Club, Am Dram .... surely you have some interests or hobbies?), get involved in the local community etc etc ...

Ragwort · 30/05/2022 21:14

A bit of a drastic suggestion 'to have kids so that you can make friends' Hmm?

Fireyflies · 30/05/2022 21:15

Join Meetup. It's full of people wanting to make new friends

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 21:17

Yes I am exactly the same as this. I used to think ‘oh I need to find a group’. But, the reason my life is the way it is, is because it is exactly how I like it. I have no interest in committing my time to the drama of a group of girls - I’ve not met one that is chilled and pleasant. I don’t want to spend my time and money on OTT hen dos, baby showers, trips with them, other people’s issues. I am busy and occupied quite well enough with DH, family, colleagues and our very easy-going friends who we see every few weeks for dinner parties etc. If you haven’t fitted into a group by now, are you sure you’re the type of person who needs one?

bellac11 · 30/05/2022 21:22

Fireyflies · 30/05/2022 21:15

Join Meetup. It's full of people wanting to make new friends

I looked on Meetup.

The group that seemed most likely to have like minded people to me was 'Introverts Unite - Individually'.

puppetcat · 30/05/2022 21:24

trying to force any friendships is tough and a bit strange. I tried but failed (e.g. bumble friends etc). the best way to really get to know people is a mutual activity that you do every week, or a part time job or maybe sharing an office or something. Somewhere you get to have regular conversations and slowly slowly find out about each other. Harder as you get older. The other alternative is find a project outside of work that you love to take your mind off it (e.g. setting up a business, being creative etc etc.

ShetlandPony1 · 30/05/2022 21:28

I would say I only have 2 true friends. A few acquaintances I know through my hobby who I always say hello and chat to when I see them but we never meet up outside said hobby.
My other ‘friends’ who I had previously been best friends with for 20 years have all drifted away since I had my baby (first in the group and nobody else is interested in babies) so I have been excluded from meet ups, dinners out, birthday parties despite making it clear I can come so long as I have enough notice to organise childcare, so now I have just accepted they are no longer interested in being friends with me. I’m sad about that but I’m at peace with it. I’m lucky that my family, job and hobby keep me busy enough.

FuckingNoise · 30/05/2022 21:31

I have friends but I'm not as close to them since moving to a different town and them all having kids and partners / me being single. There are no meet ups near me either. I've adopted a more active life, I am outdoors much more and I try all sorts of little positive things just on my own to keep my spirits up. I would have loved a partner or to feel like I belonged somewhere, but the reality is for some reason most people end up making me feel like shit anyway.

carefullycourageous · 30/05/2022 21:36

My advice would be get involved in a cause or campaign or community group you care about. It is quite likely you will make friends (as I did) but even if not you will use your time for good. You have to give it time and the friendships grow naturally. It is also really positive if it is an activity with a wide range of ages, backgrounds and both sexes so you can meet a range of people.

Choose something that reflects your values, it helps then as you meet people who are similar in mindset.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 30/05/2022 22:03

Me neither but am quite happy as most of my friends have been utter arseholes

tobedtoMN · 30/05/2022 22:10

Ragwort · 30/05/2022 21:14

A bit of a drastic suggestion 'to have kids so that you can make friends' Hmm?

Thanks for that deliberate misinterpretation of what I said.

FlannelandPuce · 30/05/2022 22:28

I have struggled to maintaining friendships over the years and I think the truth of it is as adults our lives evolve and friendships does alway follow through. Mum's I met at toddler groups our friendship didn't last when our children went to different schools, and nor did my school friendships carry on after we all went to uni. I think jobs, family and life get in the way of maintaining relationships, and sometimes I just don't have the energy to maintain friendships, now I have 3 children. I have lots of acquaintances, people I chat to at the school gate or when walking the dog, but no close friendships other than my spouse. Having a young family is a juggle and I find I just don't have time to devote to relationships. I think finding an activity you enjoy can help create, if not friendships, then depth to your quality of life. If friendships follow then that is a bonus. It's odd but we are so connected to other people on social media, but mostly it doesn't extend to real life.

SchoolThing · 30/05/2022 22:31

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 21:17

Yes I am exactly the same as this. I used to think ‘oh I need to find a group’. But, the reason my life is the way it is, is because it is exactly how I like it. I have no interest in committing my time to the drama of a group of girls - I’ve not met one that is chilled and pleasant. I don’t want to spend my time and money on OTT hen dos, baby showers, trips with them, other people’s issues. I am busy and occupied quite well enough with DH, family, colleagues and our very easy-going friends who we see every few weeks for dinner parties etc. If you haven’t fitted into a group by now, are you sure you’re the type of person who needs one?

How did you extrapolate from the OP that she wants a girl group riven with drama?

5thHelena · 30/05/2022 22:40

@DogsAndGin how does your response in any way help the poster who asks how you would feel if you realised you have no friends? You clearly state you have a nice group of easy going friends that you see regularly! If this was the JD/AH trial I would be objecting on the grounds of relevance!

Nutellaspoon · 30/05/2022 22:45

My dh is my friend. I have a few other acquaintances but no one I see on a very social basis. I prefer it, I find the mental load of maintaining friendships very tiring. I am very chatty though and easily talk to people and make 'friends' at work.

KatherineofGaunt · 30/05/2022 22:56

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 21:17

Yes I am exactly the same as this. I used to think ‘oh I need to find a group’. But, the reason my life is the way it is, is because it is exactly how I like it. I have no interest in committing my time to the drama of a group of girls - I’ve not met one that is chilled and pleasant. I don’t want to spend my time and money on OTT hen dos, baby showers, trips with them, other people’s issues. I am busy and occupied quite well enough with DH, family, colleagues and our very easy-going friends who we see every few weeks for dinner parties etc. If you haven’t fitted into a group by now, are you sure you’re the type of person who needs one?

But... you have friends you see "every few weeks for dinner parties etc." That's nowhere near the same as the OP stating they have a couple of friends they see once or twice a year, and the odd thing with colleagues. Confused

OP, I don't really have an answer. I've been the same the past decade, since my early 30s, except I haven't even seen my old friends who live miles away for the past 5 years. I literally feel I have no-one, sometimes, except my DH.

I suppose the cliché is joining a group. Is there something else you could start, that maybe you'd be interested in trying? They're are so many hobbies you could have, you may find a local group for something interesting. I've tried the Meetup app in the past - perhaps there's something nearby like a book club or a language group?

Lots of sympathy and I want you to know there are lots of people like you - you're not some odd anomaly. Although I'm not sure that's much comfort!

Pugfostermum · 30/05/2022 23:00

I wrote a lengthy post but lost it!!!!!

this was me 2.5 years ago but 10 years older than you. New area.

I put myself out there. Joined every group going, made my own groups, accepted every invite, asked everyone I met if they wanted to meet again.

I now have a good number of people to socialise with and a couple of close friends.

You have to treat it like a job, or like dating when you want a baby and are nearing the end of your fertile years!! 🤣

pixie5121 · 30/05/2022 23:18

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 21:17

Yes I am exactly the same as this. I used to think ‘oh I need to find a group’. But, the reason my life is the way it is, is because it is exactly how I like it. I have no interest in committing my time to the drama of a group of girls - I’ve not met one that is chilled and pleasant. I don’t want to spend my time and money on OTT hen dos, baby showers, trips with them, other people’s issues. I am busy and occupied quite well enough with DH, family, colleagues and our very easy-going friends who we see every few weeks for dinner parties etc. If you haven’t fitted into a group by now, are you sure you’re the type of person who needs one?

Yes, this.

I don't really want a 'group', to be honest. I'm happier having random friends I met through hobbies or partners or on a plane or in the supermarket. I have small sub groups of friends who I met in the same place, e.g. work friends, old work friends from another job, Crossfit friends, but I don't really mix them.

I think friend groups are a bit overrated, to be honest. They often seem toxic and it often seems to be the case that they met very young and no longer have much in common. I wouldn't particularly want to be hanging out with my friends from school in my late thirties and feel quite glad not to have to be involved in weddings, baby showers, girly holidays, and other stuff I have zero interest in. I'd rather not have any demands or expectations placed on me, and to see my friends as and when I felt up to it.

I am autistic, though. I'm sure that probably makes a difference.

BrownHairedQuirk · 30/05/2022 23:27

Popping in in hopes of some ideas, as I’m exactly the same. Early 30s, no real friends except husband. I’ve tried all the standard things but sadly live in a place where most people are at least twice my age. It’s really isolating and makes me feel sad often, so I sympathise Flowers

MsMartini · 31/05/2022 07:55

OP, as you go to a gym and presumably are a bit info fitness I would start from there - at least you have something in common. I made friends through my old gym (I know they vary, my new gym is nowhere near as friendly). So if yours isn't friendly, I would try some other related stuff. I go to a park bootcamp every Saturday that is on Meetup - it is a serious workout, really well run, but in an area full of 20 and 30-somethings moving for work, people use it to make friends as well. Lots of them go for coffee afterwards each week and some train together at other times and socialise together. Or try some specialist classes like boxing (great for camaraderie), or a team sport, or something unusual like archery or fencing. A friend who has just moved to a new area has been using Meet Up to find stuff like this.

I also volunteer for a national museum which has hundreds of volunteers and have made friends through that - again we have something in common so we do outings to places of interest or events related to that, and it builds from there. Some of them are people I would never have come across in the rest of my life and we are very different - but the shared love of the thing we do together enriches the friendship.

I don't think you will make lots of "meaningful friendships" this way, but you will probably make some friends while having fun - and maybe one or two will develop. I'm older than you, though, and like low-key daytime socialising, walking and coffee with friends, that sort of thing, so maybe it depends what sort of life you want out of it as well as what sort of friends?

layladomino · 31/05/2022 12:41

I think your situation is fairly common. I moved away and since moving kept in touch with one old friend from my home town (who I see perhaps 4 times a year). I made new friends through work who I see perhaps 2 or 3 times a year. I have friendly acquaintances through work and a hobby group. But no friend who I see regularly and confide stuff in. I'm a lot older than you. .

Having said all that, life feels full with my own family, work and home so I don't miss having friends I regularly see at all.

If that's what you're looking for, then I would suggest expanding your horizons a bit - take up a new hobby, or volunteering is great.

Fuzzyhippo · 31/05/2022 12:43

I've never done well with friendships, never had a friend of any kind. Even just a casual friendship where we'd speak every few months or years. Instead I seem to attract nasty people who give me death threats and abuse for no reason, and these are people I don't even know. Can't even keep a relationship going for more than 6 years. I've decided it's just who I am, obviously there's something wrong with me to attract such horrible people. Even my own family don't like who I amSad