what would you do if you realised you basically don't have friends?

[polka141]

you're early 30s, left the area you grew up in fairly young and have moved around a fair bit with work. you have one or two friends you have kept in touch with over the years who you make the effort to meet with probably 1-2/year as you no longer live in the same city but when you do you realise they have other friends theyre closer to and see more frequently. you don't have "a group". each time you move, you settle into work and have "work friends" that you occasionally see out of work e.g christmas party etc but nothing regular and again they're mostly from the area and have established friendship groups.

This is me. I also have a wonderful DH. I don't really have any particular hobbies, I go to the gym (have done for years but never made friends from it). Any advice what I could do at this age to make meaningful friendships?

Your misinterpreting what they said. Maybe the family lifestyle appealed to them. Having children gets you out and is a conversation starter, so that helped them.

It doesn't mean their sole reason for raising children for the rest of their life is to try to make friends. And if we're being honest, nobody has children for the good of society. People have kids because they want them @Ragwort

I would relax tbh. As with other posters this could have been me 10 years ago, then life randomly fell out so that I met one friend through someone I knew, kept another from a job I left, another from a volunteer gig...

I found time sorted them out. If I didn't see someone for six months or so but just clicked again when I did, they were a keeper and over time we would see each other more. And eventually you pitch up with a raggedy but nice sort of friendship group.

wow didnt expect so many replies! I will try to reply to as many as I can..

I can't think what activity to do to meet people, I feel like I cant force a new "hobby" or sport. I do like exercise but I think Crossfit would be too much for me, standard gym and classes I have done for years but it doesnt seem to be a friendship forming activity - just attend class, do the workout, everyone drives home.

I do make close bonds to people at work but theyre of varying ages from late 20s to probably 60s. The young ones like me have all sorts of social events, hen parties etc that they talk about and the older ones have children of varying ages and families.

Apart from the odd one or two close friends I do have several more less close friends scattered round the country/abroad (again dont know eachother so couldnt organise a meet up) who I try to stay in touch with/message occasionally but again they have their own lives and likely wouldn't drive 4 hours just to hang out etc.

Its a bit depressing really and I could bet most people that know me dont have a clue about my social situation!

Hi, OK I would definitely pursue the exercise thing from what you have said - but don't do "standard" classes . I know people who have done Crossfit at all levels and made friends that way - but I would try a range of stuff - why is that "forcing" it? Depending on where you live, try looking on MU as pp suggested, for fitness-based activities with a social element or as I suggested try smaller more specialist clubs or sports? My experience has been they welcome newbies and eg with martial arts you have to work together, trust each other.....

Why discount people because they are not the same age/stage in life as you? I've always had friends across all age groups ... some are mothers with families, some are grandmothers, some are singe, some are child free ... it doesn't really affect whether you will be friends with someone unless you are looking for a clone of yourself? There are bound to be some sort of community groups where you live .. why not get involved?

I can't think what activity to do to meet people, I feel like I cant force a new "hobby" or sport.

If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
Loads of people have advised the same thing - join something where you can meet people.

Awwwww. 😢

But op hasn't said she wants a group of girlfriends to party and drama with, she said she wants friends. Which you clearly have a you see the every few weeks.

My thought is, have you only noticed recently? If so, it sounds like it hasn’t bothered you too much until now?

are there any people you wish you were closer to?

be that person who is always texting, always makes an effort and is always there for them.

And there’s no harm in getting back in touch with people and really making an effort. Be honest and apologise.

I do make close bonds to people at work but theyre of varying ages from late 20s to probably 60s. The young ones like me have all sorts of social events, hen parties etc that they talk about and the older ones have children of varying ages and families.
What has age got to do with it? Or kids and families? Why can't you go to see Top Gun with Vera, Floyd and Ayva-Mai? Or a Saturday coffee with Mandy whilst the kids are with Dad? Etc

Apart from the odd one or two close friends I do have several more less close friends scattered round the country/abroad (again dont know eachother so couldnt organise a meet up) who I try to stay in touch with/message occasionally but again they have their own lives and likely wouldn't drive 4 hours just to hang out etc. OK not four hours for a coffee but how about a weekend away? If there's a mutual interest amongst the groups ie a band why can't you invite different people? You'd mix groups for a hen do, why not for your birthday?

Fuzzy hippo I doubt there is anything wrong with you, except for feelings of low self esteem stemming from family who don’t treat you well. I have similar issues. Family relationships which undermine rather than support you can really affect your ability to build other relationships. You assume people won’t like you and that can become self fulfilling.
CBT helped me challenge some of these ingrained ways of thinking about myself and it might help you too?

Eyeroll question but OP are you happy? I ask this because if you are lonely then that's one thing but if you ...how shall i put this.....feel you should have friends because its the done thing.....then maybe its less of a worry? I am friendly with people but honestly outside of my very small family, I have perhaps 3 friends, and they are a family I have known for years. I have been a happy loner all my life. I have got internet friends I am close with and I don't feel that anything is missing from my life.

Quite a few mixed responses - not entirely sure how to reply!

@BiscuitLover3678 - not sure who you want me to apologise to or what for?!

For a bit of background: had a normal childhood social life while at school as part of several circles - i.e hung out with the studious/smart kids during lessons, did some casual sports activities, but also was part of a sociable "girls" group with whom I went on our end of school "girls holiday" with and first started going out drinking with. Went to uni very far from hometown, this girl group fell out in my absence and hasnt been a group since. I am close with 1 and loosely in touch with 1 more. Have met with the others from this group briefly over the last decade or so but essentially have zilch in common with now.

Uni was a wild time, very active social life often having to pick between social events as always so much on. Have 1 close friend till date from this era. The mistake I made here I think is after halls choosing to live with a studious bunch who were ideal to live with - clean, tame, quiet etc so I got my work done too but weren't particularly social. My social life was with people outside of my housemates - who I must have been on the edge of their various groups.

Early days of my career I lived alone not far from where I went to uni, met with old social circles that were still around that city - from coursemates, a few housemates and new colleagues. Most people were single. I dated a lot. Never felt alone. Occasionally still met and stayed in touch with old school friends.

Fast-forward, moved a lot with work, made friends quickly - always had plans every weekend (including dating). Eventually met DH. Married during the pandemic. Now moved far away from uni/early work circles and relatively closer to family/school friends. Have reached out to old school friends but realised we really have nothing in common anymore (they still live a couple hours away, mostly in the same small town, have children aged 5-10, live a different life to mine).

I almost feel like I dont fit in anywhere. The city I went to uni/started my career in, I dont have friends there now either as theyve more or less scattered through the country/abroad. I am where I want to be geographically - closer to family, and happy in my profession and career progression. Happy with DH. I guess I have a lot of acquaintances who I'd meet for a coffee with if we lived nearby but probably too weird to do that when you live ~6hrs away.

I'd like to make a new life in my current city which I moved to during the pandemic so missed out on the early work social events etc (as lockdown) so I have been here a couple years almost but do very little outside of work/exercise/DH and occasional meet ups with the 1 school friend and 1 uni friend. Feels like everyone has plans for the upcoming bank hol apart from me.

..oops sorry that was so long! I am generally happy with my life but I think I am naturally a sociable person and enjoy socialising (whether that is at work, over drinks, some sort of activity/sport etc). Happy to socialise with people of any age as long as it brings me joy I suppose? (Socialising with old school friends who live the same life from ~15 years ago when we left school did not bring me joy, while I have fond memories of school it just isnt an enjoyable experience anymore, and likewise when I mentioned older colleagues at work who are 50-60+, lovely as they are and I do enjoy their company in a work social event, I cant see us hanging out on weekends). I am happy to try new things and meet new people - just not sure what. I should say I have a very demanding job so I dont really have much spare time... but when I do, of late I've just felt a bit sad and lonely for having no plans!

Sounds like your lack of friends is very much related to the life move to a new area, plus being married - having a partner can make the need to make friends less urgent, as you have them, but it's worth making the effort to meet people I think. If you're short of time, why not turn your exercise into something more social? There is a network of young ramblers groups aimed at people aged 20-40 who organise walks across the country. Or if you're into team sports, that might be a way? Just going to a gym on your own to work out is unlikely to be a way to meet people.

Thanks @Fireyflies . Yes, quite possibly. I agree - the purpose of going to the gym wasn't to make friends, I've always done it to varying degrees and every time I've moved have managed to find a branch of said gym so it was some sort of continuity I suppose with familiar exercise classes. DH has suggested crossfit but I'm really not that fit or interested in something so intense.

I don't really play team sports, I may be open to it but I must say this makes me feel nervous! Anyone I know who does this has done it for a long time, its part of their identity. I didn't really play team sports at uni.

I'd never done team sports before, and I was the weird kid who was picked last at school. But actually I wasn't the only one, because it was a taster session I tried it at. We were all in the same boat (literally, it was rowing 🤣). So it could have been pants but it wasn't, so keep an open mind, if an opportunity arose. Its not like you have to go again if it's no good.

For those of you who see your partners as your 'best friends' and tend to predominantly spend your time with them, do you ever think/worry if the relationship broke down, who else would be in your lives?

I am not sure what is the point of worrying about this, you have to do what is right in the present and deal with the future if it happens.

For me I think the higher likelihood is I get widowed - but again what am I to do - spend time doing something I enjoy less than the things I do currently just in case the worst happens?

I do have friends but the majority of my time is with family at present.

If I were widowed I would return to my previous activities I guess to fill the empty time.

@Ragwort

Totally agree. Variety of people and friendships is key

I see it a bit like saying "I'm not keen on work, so I've got 3k in the bank. We'll both quit work and when the money runs out, then I'll worry about it.

Rather than part of a healthy balanced life is working if you can to support yourself and nurturing interests beyond just your partner.

In your case you do have other friends so that suggests you do invest some time in them. But some people just don't and to me, that's not a healthy balance for the long term

@SleepingStandingUp I don't think you can compare human relationships to finances. Of course I have some money put by, but that is not the same as spending time with people I like less than my DH just in case my DH dies. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

My relationships with my friends are because those relationships are valuable in their own right, not an insurance policy in case my DH dumps me.

People can do as they like. There is no right and wrong about spending time just with your partner or having lots of friends. People are all different.

Hello, @Ragwort @anthurium - I am not discounting people based on age. I think I previously mentioned people from school who I no longer have anything in common with / get any joy from that company.. and they are my age. I’m open to meeting people younger or older although I’ve mostly only met those who are similar to or older than me through work. In my experience those who are much older just seem to have different priorities and interests (children/ family life).

Update: I reached out to a few old friends and had a long phone call with one just now. It was lovely but she lives in Scotland now and I’m in the South. Realistically not sure we’ll ever see each other again but nice to have a long chat all the same. (But I would prefer a drink in person!)

Obviously.

I don't consider my best friend as a "just in case DH dies", who even knows how long that friendship will last. But I think the "I don't need anyone because I have DH" puts people in a vulnerable position emotionally. That's different to "I have friends but obv I see them less than my husband"