what would you do if you realised you basically don't have friends?

[polka141]

you're early 30s, left the area you grew up in fairly young and have moved around a fair bit with work. you have one or two friends you have kept in touch with over the years who you make the effort to meet with probably 1-2/year as you no longer live in the same city but when you do you realise they have other friends theyre closer to and see more frequently. you don't have "a group". each time you move, you settle into work and have "work friends" that you occasionally see out of work e.g christmas party etc but nothing regular and again they're mostly from the area and have established friendship groups.

This is me. I also have a wonderful DH. I don't really have any particular hobbies, I go to the gym (have done for years but never made friends from it). Any advice what I could do at this age to make meaningful friendships?

But I think the "I don't need anyone because I have DH" puts people in a vulnerable position emotionally. I disagree, personally, who knows what is coming.

Yep. My DH died aged 37. Really glad I maintained friendships.

OP, do have a go at a new hobby, either by yourself or with DH if he’d like some new mates too? I’m sure friendships will happen if you get stuck into your local area

Can’t help but thought I had written this post and forgotten about it
It doesn’t help that DH couldn’t be any more popular…
good luck op
can you do fitness classes at your gym maybe as a start?

Op I'd try fitness classes, and make sure you say hello to people. Basically hold out a hand of friendship. See what sort of responses you get and then suggest a coffee if you think somsone is intrested in friendship.

I made friends in my teens, but I've also picked up a few friends in my 30s and 40s, some through a sports group, some through baby groups.

I'm the same, I'm 56 & don't really have any friends, just "people I know" I was diagnosed with Autism two years ago & this answered a lot of questions to myself as to why I don't have friends.

I'm now in my mid-50s and pretty content with my social situation.

I'm married with two lovely teenage DCs; my DH is my best friend and I have five friends who's company I love, but I see them individually not as a group.

I'm posting this not to be smug, but to illustrate that this modest set up is something that has taken a while to achieve. It's also a sign that I'm probably an introvert, as some of my acquaintances have a much busier social life.

I think you'll get there OP, but don't feel down on yourself in the meantime. When I first met my very best friend I actually didn't like her. We were thrown together on a year long course and I found her a bit shallow. It took me almost two years to realise where the 'shallowness' came from and it led to a real bond that has really lasted.

It taught me the value in persevering a friendship if you think there's a common bond lurking in there.

You don't think investing all your emotional energy into a singular person, when you don't know what's coming, makes people emotionally vulnerable? And people might still happily make that choice, it is their life after all. But it still does.

I'm definitely on the logic people need friends outwith their relationship. You just never know when you need someone else to be there, illness, affair, and sometimes just someone else to talk to.

Op I don't know if you are religious but churches can also be a good place to make friends.

Not to mention that it's a bit like eating Lasagne and Gateau every day. It's great but it can't give you everything you need and variety is the spice of life.

Thanks for all the suggestions.
Not religious or Christian so won’t be going to church.
I already do fitness classes but there’s really no interaction (other than occasionally with the person taking the class). Everyone gets there, sets up their equipment and stares down into their phone. You do that class, clean up, thank the instructor and leave straight to the cars.

I had a nice long catch up with an old friend last night with vague plans / idea thrown out there to meet at some point but this literally requires a flight to Scotland. I am trying to be a YES person but even for me this is a bit of effort especially for a friend i don’t know thaaat well, she doesn’t drink (no problem but slightly limits what we do) and possibly isn’t an easily sustainable friendship due to the distance.

You nasicalky have to take some risks and put yourself out there. I would volunteer and join a sports/hobby/interest club. But mostly volunteer. It's a great way to meet people (as long as you're volunteering do something that involves lots of interaction).

Making friends takes time, but making good acquaintances is a great first step.

Last day of work today before the long weekend, feel particularly uncomfortable as there’s bound to be more talks of what everyone’s got planned for the BH. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Probably too late now to make plans yet will feel so embarrassed to say “oh not much really, a quiet one”

I would go and find my people! Do things you like and want to do, be friendly, it will happen!

It can be difficult to make new friends but I agree with a pp that you have to treat it almost as a job, if you want it.

I was in this position maybe 20 years ago having moved around a lot. I joined a book group and made lots of acquaintances and 1 lasting friend. Then I had children and made 5 or 6 new friends through groups I went to. It's not so much that you have to have children, but you need to find a regular activity with lots of opportunities for social interaction, and to seize any indications of a connection - suggesting coffee, a film or a group activity - one of the things that bonded the friends I met at a toddler group was we met up as a pub quiz team. It can be hard and there might be knockbacks, or more likely just becoming acquaintances rather than friends but it's worth a go.

I also got to know quite a few neighbours too - do you live somewhere where people talk to each other at all?

OP, you have established that your current situation isn’t working for you, but you seem to be refusing to try any of the PPs’ suggestions for changing it.
Counsellors would call you a “Yes but”. A person who always finds a reason to say no!
Church group? “Yes but I’m not religious.”
Older colleagues? “Yes but we have nothing in common.”
Different sport? “Yes but I’m not fit enough.”
Perfect friends will not magically materialise and come to your door. You need to take the risk of getting out there, of trying something different, to give yourself a better chance of finding them.
A man kept praying to God to win the lottery, then moaning each week that he hadn’t. Finally God lost patience and sighed: “Meet me halfway, John. Buy a ticket!”
Does that strike a chord, OP?! If so, take the plunge - go and try any activity, volunteering, craft, sport, it doesn’t matter. And keep trying different ones. You might hate and drop 90% of them, but each one is an opportunity to find one that you do enjoy and all of them are a potential new pool of friends. Go for it!

Im the same. I get in well with people and have a couple of work friends one of whom I’m pretty close to but that’s it. Before covid I was going to make a conscious effort to join clubs but we live rurally and very few people are my own age or even within 20 years of my age.

That is my situation. Now I'm on maternity leave, i'm more aware of it. Hoping I can make mum friends. Pretty sure I have social anxiety which has made it hard to stay connected with friends.

Have a look on Facebook for your local area. There are sure to be events planned for this weekend you can go to as a couple. Or ask your colleagues if they know of anywhere holding jubilee events. As you are new in the area it would be completely fine to ask. Think NT or heritage sites, church fetes, pub nights. It would make you feel better having something planned. I think the key is do what you enjoy and be open to friendships developing.
Try not to worry or compare yourself to others + give yourself a break you have moved around a lot and haven't put down roots yet. Give yourself time.

Sorry yes I probably am guilty of “yes but”. Equally, I really don’t want to go to any religious place of worship - it’s just not me, I’m really not interested at all. (I would rather go to CrossFit!)

I can’t think of what volunteering / groups people mean when they suggest that or how to find them? I must say I don’t actually have much give in my current routine, I work basically more than full time in a demanding career which requires time outside of work too. So any hobbies etc would need to take minimal effort.. I guess that’s why I exercise - I need something to wind down mentally without taking too much time.

I’ve been reaching out to friends here in the UK and those who’ve moved abroad. While it’s great to feel connected and less alone, I don’t feel any less isolated in this city.

But, OP, people have suggested how to find groups - MeetUp, local facebook, think of places you could volunteer in your area and look at their websites, Several people have suggested fitness and you just say your current one isn't friendly....You say you live in a city, so there must be loads of stuff going on....as pp have said, I think you have to try.

it sounds as though you don't really have time for other people even though you want to connect. I guess you have to work out what time you DO have available e.g. 1hr a weekend - then look for volunteering or socialising for that short period. It could be engaging with a "green" initiative, a walking group, a book club. However if you can only find reasons not to be able to do something you might not be successful.

OP, I remember being like this in my late 20s. I had a good few friends but they were all getting married/having babies and I wasn't at that stage. I joined a guitar group. Honestly it opened so many doors. I became best friends (still now 13 years on) with the teacher and even did the odd gig! I can't say I absolutely loved it (didn't keep it up) but it was great fun and let to a new friendship group.

Hi OP, very much sympathise with your post - in similar version of the situation.

I'd suggest;

Write down on paper or block off on your online calendar, what time you actually DO have available. You sound to be quite busy already with the job demands etc. Then this makes it much clearer visually what availability you could have as a starting point, for where you are now in your life. E.g. if you know that weekday evenings are absolutely no good because right now, for now at least, you have to work late Mon - Thurs, then there's no point wasting time on looking at groups which only occur on a weekday evening. (I've personally found this can be the problem with Meetup groups).

Out of the (probably small) amount of time when you do have availability -what would you like to do with it that would benefit you personally ?

I also think it can be helpful to think of the situation as "for now", e.g. "I am really tied up with work / other items for now, but I can see that in xx weeks / months / years I would certainly have more time on a Monday evening and could then join xx group".

From my own point of view, it's totally pointless to recommend churches to you when you aren't religious, and I've personally never made any friends / social contacts through any gym /exercise group at all - I went to a yoga group for years, no one spoke to each other, just turn up and get on the mat in silence.

So for your situation - what kind of friend / contact would you like, as in- what would you imagine enjoying doing with this friend ? Then could that lead you to work out - what would be a "one step forward" strategy for now, even if it's not perfect ?

Hi op its not easy. I join a walking thing. One is very abrupt I dont like her. So new hobbies doesnt always bring new friends. Cafes cinemas Im alone. The reply is usually I get back to you. They dont commit. Its disheartening Im 48

@BookWorm45 I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I would probably "allow" or "treat" myself to a few hours of guilt-free time a week consistently. Usually that's a Friday so I still have 2 days to be productive but can be flexible to Saturday or Sunday or occasionally in the week if my weekend's packed. I obviously do need some down time to do nothing and/or time with DH but equally don't want every Friday/Saturday whenever it is I allow myself this allocated free time to be a date night every time. So I guess I could and would want to commit to every fortnight-ish.

What would I want to do in this time? Again quite flexible - anything from Friday night drinking/pub/going out/dinner to a sports/exercise activity or something outdoorsy like a nice walk/BBQ or even just female company to just chat and hang out with. The kind I have had and enjoyed in the past (be it old housemates/ friends at uni/early years of professional life). Board games, wine and a natter sounds idyllic. Again doesnt have to be female but the kind of company that fills the void that your own romantic relationship cannot (or atleast my DH does not, lovely as he is, he does not and cannot engage in the kind of conversation I'm after).

I cant help but wonder if these things have to just come by organically, you cant replicate the friendships you make in school / when you first start uni or work for the first time etc. Perhaps it cant be forced by joining a group. I also wonder if my life circumstances have meant I've blown it, the lack of stability and moving around has forced me to lose the friendships I did have. Also as I previously mentioned - I have nothing in common now with the people I grew up (who i am now geographically closest to). How do I explain this - when you're a child you just want someone to play with and for that purpose it was fine. But now our adult lives have gone in totally opposite directions. I have a lot more in common with my professional circles but they have likeminded long-term friendships, many (most) of them were privately educated etc so from the beginning harboured friendships with people who have ended up living a similar adult life. Whereas I grew up in a not so nice part of the UK, went to a state school, made something of my life and met people from more privileged backgrounds and have joined these circles and now feel in a way like I dont fit in in either world.