what would you do if you realised you basically don't have friends?

[polka141]

you're early 30s, left the area you grew up in fairly young and have moved around a fair bit with work. you have one or two friends you have kept in touch with over the years who you make the effort to meet with probably 1-2/year as you no longer live in the same city but when you do you realise they have other friends theyre closer to and see more frequently. you don't have "a group". each time you move, you settle into work and have "work friends" that you occasionally see out of work e.g christmas party etc but nothing regular and again they're mostly from the area and have established friendship groups.

This is me. I also have a wonderful DH. I don't really have any particular hobbies, I go to the gym (have done for years but never made friends from it). Any advice what I could do at this age to make meaningful friendships?

Roughly where in the south do you live OP? If you’re anywhere near me I’d happily be your friend. I’m early 30s too, no children and feel very similarly.

Hello @IodineQueen i was trying to deliberately be a bit vague re:location etc as it would be a bit embarrassing to be identified but please PM me where you’re based if you’d like to?

At the age of 38 or so I joined a sporting team made up of people I had never met before. It was a sport I was confident in playing but it was a huge step in putting myself out there.
Now that I'm early 40s, I've discovered friendships take effort and work. I'm an introvert and find it super difficult to suggest social events or another meet up. But I make myself do it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have learned not to take it personally.
I'm not really into big groups of friends or the notion of having lots of besties for life. I'm happy to have closer one-on-one friends but I do force myself to go to group invites. I usually end up having a good time. It can be bloody hard work though when all I want is to be introvert-y. I also realise that lots of us are lonely - and I have to make an effort to remedy that.

A sport is great. I do walking no friendships yet did know one from school though she nice. I find cliques dont help when you join things !!

These are the beliefs holding you back from friendships, OP— the false belief that your life, your moving around, your social movement into the professional classes, is so unusual it’s limited your friendships, and that it’s unheard of for people to make friendships later in life. Your life sounds deeply normal to me, and resembles mine apart from the fact that I’ve also moved around a lot internationally to study and work, and I’m now back in my home city for the first time in over 20 years since just before Covid. I keep up with my distant friends, but no longer know anyone here so had to start from scratch. I’ve made friends via work, environmental volunteering, a choir, meeting someone in an art gallery and clicking, and getting on like a house on fire with someone we hired to draw plans for a house renovation, who has now become a close friend. DH has a few nice colleagues. And luckily, my son’s friends’ parents are also very cool, and have absolutely been open to being befriended, despite being busy and having their own established friendships. (They are probably the only ‘group’ of the lot — the others are individual friendships.) Have you actually tried making friends at work?

D

DH had a health scare a few years ago (false alarm thankfully) but it scared the living daylights out of me, and jolted me into padding out my life a bit, more friends/hobbies etc as I would have been left with a pretty hollow existence without him. So I suppose I’m guilty of doing what an earlier poster mentioned, of making friends in case something happens to DH? Although I doubt any amount of friends or interests would fill the gap a partner/spouse would leave?

That's sadly because friends aren't really valued as much as a "nuclear family" concept. Have you told the people you're "befriending" you're only doing so because of your own selfish reasons?

@Goatbilly surely anyone seeking to make new friends/connections is doing so because they want more people in their lives? Is this anymore selfish than seeking a partner because you’d rather not be single?

What bullshit this is!

By the way new friend, just letting you know that Im making friends with you because I want to.... erm.... make some friends.

Like everyone who makes friends, people widen their friendship group

It's so hard if you move around a lot.

In your position I'd start by developing some hobbies that fast-track friendships. That's the sort of hobbies where people get the chance to chat a lot or open up a bit, e.g. book club, creative-writing or art class, WI, hiking club, maybe a running club.
You won't get much chance to chat if you join a choir or swim club, so don't go for those unless you really want to.

Aim to have three different hobbies a week - a couple on weeknights and one at weekends or vice versa.

Be open to different types of friendship. I started out really wanting a close friend but have realised that more casual friendships have great social value too.
Maybe think in terms of developing different forms of friendship -

• Work friends or clients you get on with who you meet with to talk shop (which tbh is one of my favourite forms of friendship as I love my job) - Go for coffee or a glass of wine wiht them. Agree to meet up at any work-related conferences.

• Neighbours - just be friendly - invite them over for coffee or a BBQ. Ask about their kids, their holidays etc.

• Get involved in a local charity or political organisation. Shared values can help make close friendships.

• Be open to friendships outside the box - older women who may have more time on their hands, or people who have newly arrived in UK and know no one.

• Friendships that are based around the need for you to turn up: tennis doubles, mah-jong or bridge or bunco groups, pub quizzes etc.

@WinterFoxes thats a very good point about being open minded, one of my best friends is quite a lot older than me, we just clicked!