Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does shouting/swearing happen in every relationship

97 replies

tulus · 30/05/2022 19:54

My dp and I have been together 4 years and have a baby together. There is a past of abuse from him. This includes shoving and putting on floor etc. We have received help for this. Family support deem it okay for us to be together and live with the baby but I am struggling to know how I feel about this. There is also shouting and swearing from him and I've come to find this is abuse but I never knew. I thought this was normal.

It leaves me wondering if all relationships are like this? My ex was the same so I see it as normal and can't imagine a relationship without it. Maybe this is why I haven't left yet..because I see them all like this??

OP posts:
Cascais · 30/05/2022 19:55

No

ComDummings · 30/05/2022 19:57

It’s not normal no

Angharad78 · 30/05/2022 19:58

Nope. Ime most couples disagree from time to time but there shouldn’t be swearing at each other or any sort of violence toward people or things EVER.

BigFatLiar · 30/05/2022 19:59

Nope.
Neither of us have ever hit the other, I can't even think of a time OH has raised his voice at me.
As for swearing we may be in the minority in that neither of us were raised in families where swearing was normal, so swearing is very limited (OH usually says rascal or similar when others would swear).

cestlavielife · 30/05/2022 20:00

Do you want your baby to grow into a toddler who shouts and swears?
A chikd who shouts and swears?
Because he will
Speak to your hv get support to leave

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/05/2022 20:02

No. Not normal.

Somuddled · 30/05/2022 20:03

Nope, never sworn at each other, shout maybe 3 times a year, never even entered my head that hebwould be physical with me. I'd be shocked of he even talked to me through grited teeth.

Relationships are supposed to halve the amount of shit and double the amount of fun in your life. Please get away from this man.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2022 20:03

No. 17 years and I don’t think we’ve had more than 3/4 arguments and certainly no loud shouting and swearing.

I grew up with that. It was awful and I found it very scary and unsettling.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2022 20:03

Swearing? We swear.

Swearing at? Never ever ever. Red line.

Can you leave, plan to leave, start to plan to leave?

ChimChimeny · 30/05/2022 20:04

My dad shouted at lot and was violent towards the end, it was fucking horrible growing up like that, please don't do that to your child
genuinely, the only time DH & i shout is if we are in different rooms and want to say something to each other.

wellhelloitsme · 30/05/2022 20:08

We swear in conversation but never at each other and never in anger. We never shout at each other.

I don't think that's especially unusual and I think it should be the minimum expected in a relationship.

You're still in an abusive relationship, I'm sorry Flowers

pointythings · 30/05/2022 20:08

I was married for almost 20 years and I can count the number of proper explosive rows on the fingers of one hand. Didn't mean the relationship was great, for the last 5 years it was a disaster, but the first 15 were good and we were happy. The level of abuse you describe in your relationship is absolutely not normal.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/05/2022 20:09

No, that's abusive

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2022 20:09

No. I've sworn once at my partner. I was definitely in the wrong. He has never sworn at me. He barely ever raises his voice. He parents me which drives me fucking nuts. I'm 51.

Ragwort · 30/05/2022 20:09

Absolutely not, married 30+ years, never sworn at each other or been physically violent or even had a major row, if we disagree we tend just to 'agree to disagree' and move on. We are not smug marrieds, we don't live in each other's pockets or even consider each other our 'best friend', we do disagree about quite a few things but we can rationalise that we are both entitled to our own, individual views.

3WildOnes · 30/05/2022 20:11

No we never shout or swear at each other.

Greatoutdoors · 30/05/2022 20:13

I grew up with shouty parents and it seriously warped my view of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Sunnytwobridges · 30/05/2022 20:14

That is not normal. I've had for LTR and two of them had no fighting and shouting at all. They were the best relationships. The other two were fighting and bickering all the time, they were toxic and were not good relationships.

whiteroseredrose · 30/05/2022 20:15

No. Nearly 25 years and no shouting or swearing at each other.

hamptonedge · 30/05/2022 20:15

32 year relationship with a blended family of 6 children and my OH has never raised his voice or sworn at me neither have I to him. Why do you need to? We don't always have the same views or agree but he is entitled to his view as I am mine it doesn't make either of us right or wrong.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2022 20:17

No, that is not normal. You are still being abused.

Porridgeislife · 30/05/2022 20:18

I grew up with parents with a volatile relationship who very frequently shouted, sulked or gave each other the silent treatment.

It’s absolutely horrendous to grow up like that.

My husband & I have never raised a voice to each other in 10 years and he doesn’t recall his parents arguing in some 40 odd years of marriage.

Pinkbonbon · 30/05/2022 20:18

Nope.

You still live with an abuser. Just because he is currently less abusive or abusive in different ways than before, doesn't mean its OK.

The sooner you can get free of him the better. The baby deserves to have a happy mum, free from abuse. And to grow up with at least one emotionally healthy household which they can retreat to away from their toxic father.

Staying in this home, seeing you abused, they will grow up walking on egg shells and thinking this is normal.

Don't set your child up to repeat the cycle.

DogsAndGin · 30/05/2022 20:22

Absolutely not.
Shoving and putting you on the floor?! I’m struggling to work out why you chose this brute to be the father to your child.
Leave him, for the sake of the child, and yourself.

Simonjt · 30/05/2022 20:28

No, we get on each others nerves sometimes and sometimes bicker a bit, but no, no shouting/swearing at each other or anything else aggressive.