Does shouting/swearing happen in every relationship

[tulus]

My dp and I have been together 4 years and have a baby together. There is a past of abuse from him. This includes shoving and putting on floor etc. We have received help for this. Family support deem it okay for us to be together and live with the baby but I am struggling to know how I feel about this. There is also shouting and swearing from him and I've come to find this is abuse but I never knew. I thought this was normal.

It leaves me wondering if all relationships are like this? My ex was the same so I see it as normal and can't imagine a relationship without it. Maybe this is why I haven't left yet..because I see them all like this??

This is important. You're getting lots of replies from people who have never shouted or sworn in the heat of an argument. But there are plenty of other couples with healthy relationships who occasionally shout at each other. But that's not your relationship, OP.

I'm making this point because your DP will probably try to normalise what's happening by saying that all couples shout at each other. And it's true that lots of couples do have the occasional shouty argument. But that is a million miles away from what is happening to you. Don't let him gaslight you into believing that your relationship is normal.

An honest answer. Seriously, I can't imagine a relationship where there us never any shouty behaviour. Mostly from me in ours. PMT, menopause. Christ alive I'm always exploding. Always apologise. DH loves me dearly and I him but yes, I shout. Big dramatic shouty person I am. Picture the stereotypical idea of a caricature Italian or Jewish mother. That's me.

No OP. Your partner is abusive and yes, he is in control of his actions and chooses to physically and verbally abuse you.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/ Is really good for learning about abusive relationships- contact your nearest group. x

If you're feeling abused and unsupported

@Foghead I don't think abuse is just a feeling. There are such a thing as objectively abusive actions and behaviours. And often people don't feel/realize the extent to which they're being abused for a long time. It's still abuse.

Some couples might be more shouty than average I suppose, but arguably that's at the very least a toxic relationship.

I would consider having blazing rows to be a toxic relationship.

You deserve much better. In a healthy relationship both partners respect each other. So even when you disagree you don't swear at each other or get physical. That's not how we should treat someone that we love.
Some couples may have the occasional shouty argument but that's not what's happening to you.

I see pp has linked to the freedom programme, please have a look but be careful to keep yourself safe.

I grew up with shouting, verbal and physical abuse from both my parents and grandparents. The result of it was me ending up with anger management and other mental problems. My parents broke up when I was 2-3 but the memories of them shouting and beating eachother is still vivid. I also have problems with relationships as I constantly swear and shout for little to no reason, then wonder why I get cheated on or blocked. I honestly wish I was never born rather than having to grow up in that environment, I don't wish it on anyone especially a young child

Thank you for all your responses. It's hard to hear but it's important and clear that it's not a good environment for my baby.

I hope to have a relationship without all this in future I have sorted some therapy to break the thoughts of this being normal and healthy

Hi @tulus Well done, Really well done for recognising that this isn't right, and for seeking help. You can do this. You've made a huge step in questionning it and in looking for help .

I echo pp. In my relationship we don't shout or swear at each other. Never any hint of aggression towards each other. I believe that is normal. If you think about it - why would the person who's meant to love you most in the world shout and swear and push you?? I don't shout and swear and push my worst enemy, let alone my husband.

He is showing your DC that shouting and aggression and swearing is how you treat the people around you. They could turn in to him when older. Or they could end up married to someone like him, thinking it's normal. please show them it isn't normal. It isn't OK. If someone treats you badly you walk away from them and you don't go back.

You deserve so much better than this man is giving you. He isn't capable of a healthy grown up relationship. A much better, calmer, safer and happier life awaits you and your child.

This is so sad to read. I'm sorry that you thought this was normal. It's really not. Shouting and swearing is abusive behaviour and shows a complete lack of control over emotions. Most people in healthy relationships argue, but have enough self control to still treat each other respectfully even if their emotions are heightened. Don't let your baby grow up around this and think it's normal too.

No, DH has never laid a hand on me or sworn at me. We can both swear a blue streak but never at each other. I came from a not very good background and I Didn’t know what was normal. My DH is normal.

this is not ok for you OP, it’s not a way to live.

I'm really glad you're starting to see the light, OP. Maybe family services didn't get the whole picture, but noone should have told you that it was normal to be screamed at and physically assaulted. Its not normal. My DP and I have been together about the same time as you and your partner - neither of us would ever lay a finger on the other, we don't shout and we don't name-call. We disagree on things - we're not plaster saints - but we treat each other with respect and love, always. Dont you deserve the same?

Me and my husband never shout or swear at each other. I just tell him “it annoyed me that you did x y z”

24 years I swore at him once. Told him to f off while going through menopause and at end of my rope. He's never so much as raised his voice to me . But as normal as it is to shout at each other sometimes swearing at pushing shoving is never okay it's domestic abuse. My cousin came to stay with me after leaving her abusive relationship. She asked why it was so calm with my Dh around and couldn't understand why he wasn't aggressive. So totally used to being around toxic abuse it was almost like my situation wasn't the norm and not hers. Get out lovely

DH has never shouted at me. (well once, when I was drunkenly trying to dance with a cat who was trying to bite me).

tulus

What sort of relationship example did your parents show you?. I do not think that anyone's ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know. Your current relationship, like your previous relationship, is also abusive. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse always present in such relationships is a continuous one. My guess too is this man is quite plausible to those in the outside world.

It is not uncommon for people to go from one abuser to yet another. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this abusive individual now. You were targeted and deliberately by the man you are with now.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You're getting therapy which is great, may I ask what sort it it?. Have you talked to Womens Aid?. Please also look at the Freedom Programme.

No shouting and swearing and physical abuse at each other should not be normal. Of course I have shouted at my DH in the past and called him a bloody idiot when he's done something properly wrong/dangerous/damage that can't be repaired without consulting me first. I think most women would.
But on a daily basis -no that's bad.
As I've got older I've realised my own upbringing probably wasn't so great and I may not have had a good example to copy in the form of my mother. She seemed to always be going off on one and falling out with someone. I yearned for the calm of some of my friends family homes.

It's possible to change things if you really want to and not put up with the abuse any more.

No! I was in a miserable shouty, sweary marriage for 12 years. I left. My DD was 10. She's a different child now, so much more relaxed and happy. I wish I'd done it before. Current partner is lovely, calm, respectful. A breath of fresh air.

Thank you.
Feeling really down about it all. Feel so upset that I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. Also upset because I just want to feel loved more than anything. I also think my sadness is effecting me as a mother. I can't give my whole self because I don't even feel like I have myself anymore why is life like this sometimes. I'm so confused and my way of thinking is skewed. I'm also upset because I now have such a bad impression of men

Also well done to everyone who left their abusive relationships. I respect you all as it's really hard

No.
Get him away from your baby. Your baby is in an abusive environment.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
My parents divorced young. My step dad was quite aggressive with us kids because he was raised that way. I've never had a relationship to look up to which probably doesn't help.

My therapy is CBT and I have spoken to Womens Aid. I am also enrolled onto the freedom programme which apparently helps recognising abuse as my mind is blurry with this!

Well done @tulus, recognising that things are not right is the first step - I recently left my abusive DH, and it’s hard for me to accept how bad things were, I go from convinced that I’m doing the right thing to wondering if I imagined it all or that it wasn’t as bad as I thought…and then back again, and round and round…but I do know that every day feels a little calmer and my DC are calmer too, even though they would prefer us to be back together because somehow, thankfully, they have not understood the worst of my XH’s behaviour, either towards them or towards me. Leave whilst your little one is still small, to keep any effect on them to a minimum; I wish I had realised and left years ago.