Friend and her obscure hobbies

[hannahj2]

I've been best friends with her (let's call her Mary) since high school.
Her hobbies and interests have always been a bit unusual and quirky to say the least. Nothing wrong with that..
However.. they are all very expensive hobbies. She doesn't work and lives at home with parents. In her late 30s. No kids or expenses.
I'm a single mum of 2, and live on a budget.
Mary has asked me to go along with her for a hiking trip to the lake district next month. It will involve an overight stay in a very overpriced hotel, as well as meals, petrol and so on.
I've no idea how she even manages to afford this kind of stuff... Hasn't worked for about 15 years. Not on benefits either. I work full time (luckily my sister helps with childcare and school runs) as lives next door. But despite working full time, I don't have spare cash and on the rare occasions I do, then I prefer saving it towards a family holiday.
I'm not interested in hiking.. nothing against the place in the Lake District.. it's pretty but I'm not in a position to fork out hundreds for a night there.
Also, wanted me to join a German language course with her starting in September. Again, it's all money. Besides, with my job and kids I don't have time to be attending courses.
Another one was a concert she wanted me to attend. Some obscure 90s duo I'd never even heard of till she mentioned them. Not remotely interesting to me.
How do I make my friend see all this? She's a nice person but just doesn't really seem to 'get' my need to work.

Have you got an open and honest relationship with her?

If she's never worked and is financially supported by her parents, then she's never going to get it. Just keep repeating "I can't afford that".

She seems eager to create bonds with you - she sounds pretty socially isolated. Can you suggest something low-cost to her that you could do together?

Tell her?

But seriously, each time she suggests something like this, surely a quick text back, "thanks for thinking of me but that's not really my thing and I couldn't afford it anyway".

Same sentence each time if required!

If someone asks you if you want to do something and you don't want to, traditionally, you say 'No thank you'. Not sure why you're posting, it doesn't seem complicated.

Does she give you a hard time if you say no?

Hiking, learning languages and '90s music are not exactly obscure interests.

If you're not interested or can't afford it just say no thanks.

It's not really your business how she affords them. If she's a nice person whose friendship you value, suggest another way to hang out with her that suits you better. If the dynamic is more that she gives you a hard time or you're resentful of her... life is too short to be maintaining frenemy relationships like that.

You don’t sound like you have much in common with her.

Can’t you just say no, I don’t have time/ can’t afford it?

What is obscure about hiking, learning a new language and going to a concert?

Her hobbies aren't obscure just because you don't find them interesting. Loads of people enjoy hiking and languages, and music too. Tbh I think you should make a bit more effort if you value her as a friend.

Sounds like her parents are supporting her financially. It also sounds like she might not have other friends so she keeps on asking you. I feel a bit sorry for her. All you can do is politely decline.
Hiking, concerts and languages are not remotely quirky interests though, they’re very mainstream. What would you consider a “usual” hobby?

They don't seem obscure. Have you tried telling her that you're not interested and can't afford it anyway?

It seems that you are offended that she is inviting you to stuff you don't like. Maybe you don't feel seen and like she doesn't understand your situation. Have you explained to her that you're not interested and can't afford it? Do you talk to her more generally about your interests and financial priorities?

I don't think you know what obscure means.

Tell her everytime she asks you to go somewhere, "I can't afford it."

Hiking, hotels and learning languages are not obscure hobbies 🤔 but you just don’t seem to have anything in common with her?
just say no thanks each time and if she ever makes you feel bad for not doing anything with her then you can lay out your financial differences to her?

She sounds fun! Perhaps she secretly won the lottery, or her parents fund everything, or she's in massive amounts of debt - who knows? But as everyone has already said, you just say "no thanks, not really my thing/can't afford it". And if she actually is your friend and you actually want to hang out with her, maybe suggest something that suits you more?

If she is your best friend, surely you can be honest with her and tell her you don't have the time or the money for these activities. But, as others have said, there is nothing particularly quirky or obscure about any of the pastimes you have mentioned. Why don't you invite her to do something that interests you?

I think you need to separate what you don’t want t do because your not interested, what you can’t afford and what you dint have time for.

Its not that your friend has unusual hobbies. Learning German is hardly unusual for example.
Its the fact that they either aren’t affordable to you or not interesting. Just answer the truth. ‘I’m sorry but that’s too expensive’ or ‘this group is just jot my cup of tea. Nit keen in their music’ and then move on.

I imagine that you must have things in common after that many years. Concentrate in those instead.

If the issue is that she can afford stuff you can’t and you’d like to know how… then it’s another issue altogether.

Non of these are obscure specialist hobbies. They are all very bog standard.

What hobbies do you have out of interest?

Who is the obscure 90's duo?

None of those are obscure but I get that that’s reason you’re hanging your hat on. I go to see bands I don’t like that friends like because I enjoy their company etc obviously if it was something I couldn’t stand at all I might not go. It’s stressful if you can’t afford it though. You sound a bit fed up with the friendship? Maybe you’ve outgrown each other in a way?

I honestly can't think of more mainstream hobbies than going for a walk,listening to music and learning a language!!!

Don't really see what the angst is in your post - if you don't like her suggestions then just say thanks for asking me but not my thing/can't afford which is completely normal. Most friends don't have every interest in common.

Posters saying perhaps she's socially isolated - but sounds like shes getting out a lot and meeting a lot of new people doing all these activities! perhaps she thinks you living next door to your sister and spending every minute either working or looking after your kids but still not being able to afford even a walking holiday in the UK, and thinking of anything other than watching TV or going to the pub as crazy whacky hobbies is a very boring, limited life and is suggesting as many varied things as possible to try and get you out of your comfort zone?

(Not saying this is the case for you at all, just making the point people are making a lot of inferences because neither of you, given you are best friends, seem to know that much about each other....)

Just tell her neither have the time or money to put into any hobby at the moment

How do you know she's not claiming benefits, she might be getting PIP for all you know. Or maybe an inheritance? Not everybody discloses their financial situation with others. But just tell her no.

I think she's trying to find something for you both to do because she really values your company. She's getting it wrong, but maybe not realising that.

Could you suggest something in return that you would like to do that wouldn't involve lots of money or time away from your family? She sounds like she might be a bit lonely

Cycling’s very popular on MN. You’d never know, though, as everyone keeps it secret because it’s immensely outing!