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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend and her obscure hobbies

103 replies

hannahj2 · 30/05/2022 12:04

I've been best friends with her (let's call her Mary) since high school.
Her hobbies and interests have always been a bit unusual and quirky to say the least. Nothing wrong with that..
However.. they are all very expensive hobbies. She doesn't work and lives at home with parents. In her late 30s. No kids or expenses.
I'm a single mum of 2, and live on a budget.
Mary has asked me to go along with her for a hiking trip to the lake district next month. It will involve an overight stay in a very overpriced hotel, as well as meals, petrol and so on.
I've no idea how she even manages to afford this kind of stuff... Hasn't worked for about 15 years. Not on benefits either. I work full time (luckily my sister helps with childcare and school runs) as lives next door. But despite working full time, I don't have spare cash and on the rare occasions I do, then I prefer saving it towards a family holiday.
I'm not interested in hiking.. nothing against the place in the Lake District.. it's pretty but I'm not in a position to fork out hundreds for a night there.
Also, wanted me to join a German language course with her starting in September. Again, it's all money. Besides, with my job and kids I don't have time to be attending courses.
Another one was a concert she wanted me to attend. Some obscure 90s duo I'd never even heard of till she mentioned them. Not remotely interesting to me.
How do I make my friend see all this? She's a nice person but just doesn't really seem to 'get' my need to work.

OP posts:
CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 17:42

SchoolThing · 30/05/2022 17:31

Milli Vanilli?

They are literally dead. (One of them at least)

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 17:45

Ant and Dec
Hale and Pace
Chaka Demus and Pliers
Daphne and Celeste
Charles and Eddie
C & C Music Factory
Shakespeare's Sister
McAlmont and Butler
The KLF
Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2022 18:04

dropthevipers · 30/05/2022 15:48

Disappointing. I clicked on here hoping to hear about something like amatuer dry cleaning. No such luck.

Extreme ironing. A genuine hobby but not one of mine.

mathanxiety · 30/05/2022 18:16

Do you talk to her about your life?

The fact that you are busy with your children and your job, which takes up X hours per day, what time you get up in order to get DCs organised and you out to work, how little spare money you have, how you would be completely lost without your sister's help, money, money, money, time, time, time.

You need to be clear and direct with her - a mother of young children who is just about keeping afloat financially doesn't have the time or the money to spare for a hiking trip. On top of the cost of the trip itself there's the cost of childcare while you're away or the obligation on your sister to take care of the children.

Same goes for German language classes. You don't have the time because you have children to feed and put to bed in the evening. You don't have the money because you have child care to pay for and bills as well and you make.

These elements of your situation may not be obvious to her. I would consider it odd that a grown adult would genuinely not understand that there's a reason you have a job.

But it looks as if you are going to have to spell it out for her with absolutely beating about the bush or hinting.

If you value her friendship, ask her to go on a picnic in the park with you and the DCs, or hang out with you all at home. That way she'll see that there are demands on your time and energy.

mathanxiety · 30/05/2022 18:17

and you make just about enough to keep things ticking over

mathanxiety · 30/05/2022 18:23

I get the impression there are a good few posters here who have money to spare at the end of the month and childcare on tap.

The OP isn't jealous or unfriendly. She is a woman who makes enough money to squeak by but her friend is oblivious to the demands on her time and energy and current account.

It's frustrating when your whole life consists of a long To Do list and penny counting and someone you consider a friend has zero insight into your reality.

Crimeismymiddlename · 30/05/2022 18:54

She will never, ever get it. But it does seem like she is just suggesting fun things and will probably do them anyway if you can’t. Maybe you are over thinking it because it’s really shit not being able to afford things that others invite you to-I know, none of my friends get that single people on a low wage don’t actually have tonnes of spare cash. They think single=wild and free.

Notjustabrunette · 30/05/2022 19:14

Her interests sound like my interests! If I had the time to do them. I think someone who is in their 30’s who lives with their parents and hadn’t worked for years may have some mental health issues and lacks the confidence in making friends. I think you need to suggest doing something with her which you enjoy and and afford.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/05/2022 19:14

dropthevipers · 30/05/2022 15:48

Disappointing. I clicked on here hoping to hear about something like amatuer dry cleaning. No such luck.

Too many of them turn pro after featuring in the Olympics that the amateur game just isn't the spectacle it used to be. Typical rags to riches story via performance enhancing chemicals....

SantiMakesMeLaugh · 30/05/2022 19:16

mathanxiety · 30/05/2022 18:23

I get the impression there are a good few posters here who have money to spare at the end of the month and childcare on tap.

The OP isn't jealous or unfriendly. She is a woman who makes enough money to squeak by but her friend is oblivious to the demands on her time and energy and current account.

It's frustrating when your whole life consists of a long To Do list and penny counting and someone you consider a friend has zero insight into your reality.

On the other side, what the friend is proposing isn’t obscure or weird.

Fair enough that the OP doesn’t have either the time or the money to do those things. Or that she doesn’t have the same taste in music.

But the OP seems to think her friend should just know it’s not something she can do because she has other priorities such as a hols. Even though she doesn’t seem to either have told her about it or have proposed alternatives. It’s like she wants her friend to just know and propose things she wants to do instead like if she was able to read minds…

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 30/05/2022 19:20

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 30/05/2022 19:14

Too many of them turn pro after featuring in the Olympics that the amateur game just isn't the spectacle it used to be. Typical rags to riches story via performance enhancing chemicals....

Grin
Crocsandshocks · 30/05/2022 19:20

Where is the obscure bit?
Perhaps she does only fans to supplement her lifestyle 😂

Notjustabrunette · 30/05/2022 19:20

Shampoo? For the duo.

Crocsandshocks · 30/05/2022 19:23

If she was a larper (live action role player) then I would agree. But hiking and learning languages is really mainstream

Lweji · 30/05/2022 19:23

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 17:42

They are literally dead. (One of them at least)

They were never (a)live. 😉

Spohn · 30/05/2022 19:30

‘Aw, I won’t be able to, it’s too expensive and I have no childcare. Have a great time though!’
is that difficult?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 19:31

I've been best friends with her (let's call her Mary) since high school I think people confuse longest with best. It certainly doesn't sound like you're best friends.

Her hobbies and interests... unusual and quirky to say the least hiking and concerts. It's only one step away from "reading and going to the cinema" for generic ordinariness.

You have no insight into each others lives "I've no idea how she even manages to afford this kind of stuff... Hasn't worked for about 15 years. Not on benefits either.". "I'm not in a position to fork out hundreds.... I don't have time to be attending courses.... Not remotely interesting to me.* and seemingly little in common besides a shared history.

You seemingly can't be direct with her" sorry Mary, I literally have no spare cash each month and no one to have the kids", "sorry, I really have no interest in hiking". "sorry, live music is too unusual a quirky a past time for me" and don't seem to reciprocate her effort. She's probably on here posting that she keeps making suggestions to he best friend but the bf always has excuses for not meeting up.

I'd honestly put some distance between you and cultivate healthier relationships

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 19:32

Lweji · 30/05/2022 19:23

They were never (a)live. 😉

I know. But I thought it would be overly complicated to get into that.

Offandonagain · 30/05/2022 19:34

So Hiking, learning languages and listening to live music are obscure hobbies?!

Mitsouko67 · 30/05/2022 19:36

Belle and Sebastian?

pixie5121 · 30/05/2022 19:40

It sounds like you have an incredibly dull, boring life and are quite resentful that she's free and single and able to do these things (none of which, by the way, are remotely obscure).

Why else would you get so offended by being asked if you'd like to join her? German classes and concerts are fairly normal things for friends to invite each other to. It's not like she's asked you to go wing walking or to Las Vegas for a nipple tassel making competition.

minuette1 · 30/05/2022 19:41

I'm sorry but those are such un-obscure hobbies, your life must be very mundane if you think these are quirky pass times.I actually don't really see what the problem is, she asks you to do something, you say no thanks, and that's that.

Sunnygirl1 · 30/05/2022 19:41

You have nothing in common anymore.

Do you have other friends you have more in common with?

pictish · 30/05/2022 19:43

She invited you on a walking weekend, a concert and a German language course…that bitch!

Seriously though, just say you don’t fancy it. It’s fine.

TheSeldomSeenKid · 30/05/2022 19:45

Those interests aren’t obscure. I was expecting swinging, class As, dogging or base jumping.