Friend and her obscure hobbies

[hannahj2]

I've been best friends with her (let's call her Mary) since high school.
Her hobbies and interests have always been a bit unusual and quirky to say the least. Nothing wrong with that..
However.. they are all very expensive hobbies. She doesn't work and lives at home with parents. In her late 30s. No kids or expenses.
I'm a single mum of 2, and live on a budget.
Mary has asked me to go along with her for a hiking trip to the lake district next month. It will involve an overight stay in a very overpriced hotel, as well as meals, petrol and so on.
I've no idea how she even manages to afford this kind of stuff... Hasn't worked for about 15 years. Not on benefits either. I work full time (luckily my sister helps with childcare and school runs) as lives next door. But despite working full time, I don't have spare cash and on the rare occasions I do, then I prefer saving it towards a family holiday.
I'm not interested in hiking.. nothing against the place in the Lake District.. it's pretty but I'm not in a position to fork out hundreds for a night there.
Also, wanted me to join a German language course with her starting in September. Again, it's all money. Besides, with my job and kids I don't have time to be attending courses.
Another one was a concert she wanted me to attend. Some obscure 90s duo I'd never even heard of till she mentioned them. Not remotely interesting to me.
How do I make my friend see all this? She's a nice person but just doesn't really seem to 'get' my need to work.

Paul Heaton & Jacqui Abbott?

Agreed.

I felt sorry for the friend reading this.

I remember when my friends had partners/ kids before I did. I was desperate to come up ideas to keep spending time with them. I understand now that their priorities had changed.

The fact you don’t just talk things over with her rather than posting on here is not how good friendships work.

I definitely don't but still feel the OP is resentful and the friend is nice for asking.

It's the way the OP was written.

Is your friend getting annoyed when you turn down these invitations? Does she complain you never want to do anything, or say ‘Come on, it’s only £x’ or similar? If so, I can see how that would be difficult.

However, it does feel a bit like you’re annoyed that she even asked. Just because you don’t fancy these ‘obscure’ activities, it doesn’t mean she did anything wrong in issuing the invitation. You always have the option to say ‘Thanks, but not sure it’s my
cup of tea’ or ‘I’m a bit skint at the moment‘ or ‘I can’t really afford the time, and it will be difficult with childcare’. If she’s offended when you turn her down, that’s her problem - but I’d be disappointed if a friend didn’t bother inviting me to something just in case I couldn’t afford it.

As for how SHE affords it, you don’t need to worry about that. It’s her problem, not yours.

So her friend should just assume she can’t afford these things or won’t be able to sort childcare, rather than asking the OP and letting her decide?

Just be Frank.

Sorry I don't have the money and I'm not interested in x anyway. But why don't we have a night in on x date instead.

Job done.

I know too. I just thought it’s what might qualify them as obscure 🤷‍♀️

These are not obscure hobbies, nor particuarly expensive in the case of the language course and concert, people go to concerts once in a while

Ok the group might not have been your bag but your post is really odd

No need to be offensive.

OP is a lone parent who doesn’t have money for trips or concerts, it’s a grind.

She’s feeling pressured by her friend’s repeated suggestions to do things she can’t afford.

Maybe her use of the word obscure was erroneous but that has been pointed out about 100x so very boring to keep on. This has become a pile on when anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence can see that the OP is having a moment of frustration about her friend not acknowledging the restraints of her lifestyle/

Like what?

Starch?

@WomanStanleyWoman2, that is a really bizarre interpretation of what I wrote.

The friend is out of touch with the OP's reality, and if she's truly a friend she really shouldn't be.

In fact, if she has a teeny tiny bit of intelligence she really should be able to understand that a single mother of two working at the job the OP has doesn't have the money or the time to blow on hotels and hiking and language courses and going to concerts.

It honestly doesn't take much intelligence to work out that money might be an issue for the OP, and it surely doesn't take a massive leap of the imagination to figure out that she can't just leave the kids with a packet of crisps each until she gets back from the Lake District, that someone needs to take care of them and feed them and that that will either cost money or impose on the OP'S sister.

It's a bad case of the blinkers that come with privilege, as are many, many of the posts here.

Can y'all stop with the berating of the OP for using the word 'obscure'?

There are millions of British women who can't afford a hiking trip plus hotel in the Lake District, or a German language course, or to go to a concert. Millions.

...people go to concerts once in a while...

Really?

There was a fifteen year period in my life when I didn't so much as buy a cup of coffee for myself, let alone go to a concert.

There's a serious inability here to imagine what it's like to be poor. Or even scraping by.

Everyone has their own reality and no one has to be in touch or otherwise with it. The OP has a friend but seems grumpy and resentful about being invited to do friend things.

Why has it got to be the friends responsibiity to manage OPs feelings?

And OP chose to use the word obscure, of course people are going to point out that the hobbies are not obscure. OP is a grown woman,, she can take responsiblity for what she feels and does and says.

I wrote that

I personally havent been to a concert since my teens, over 30 years ago. I dont go to the theatre, cinema, or anything like that

But I do know that people do and sufficient people that its not particularly obscure and if its once in a while it wouldnt be too expensive either. OP doesnt claim to be on the breadline, she simply prefers to use her money for other things, like holidays. Same as me, we do go on holiday although I dont do concerts and whatnot. I dont view people who do go to concerts as some sort of renegades.

@WomanStanleyWoman2, that is a really bizarre interpretation of what I wrote.

Well that’s rich coming from you.

There’s nothing ‘bizarre’ about suggesting that the OP can make up her own mind about whether to accept an invitation, rather than her friend deciding for her and not issuing the invitation in the first place.

I was thinking Roxette?

Roxette singer died a couple of years back.

@mathanxiety but isn't that sort of what you are saying?
That the OPs friend should know her circumstances so well that she shouldn't need to ask OP if she wants to do these things. That she should inherently know she won't be able to get the time free, childcare or funds together to go. So the friend shouldn't ask.

Some people might prefer that ^ approach, I have had times in my life where it was an added stress to be invited to things I couldn't afford, but wanted to go to.

I still have pretty much no disposable income most months but I'd still like my friends to be able to invite me to things, maybe it's something I'd be able to save towards.

Everyone is different. We have different opinions on the friend for eg.

You seem to be speaking for the OP and unless you are (if you are you need to tell your friend it's upsetting you to be asked) then I'm sorry but you don't really know do you? I think most people are correct though, the OP needs to talk to her friend and tell her what approach she'd prefer.

That the OPs friend should know her circumstances so well that she shouldn't need to ask OP if she wants to do these things. That she should inherently know she won't be able to get the time free, childcare or funds together to go. So the friend shouldn't ask.

I'm saying that the friend is being incredibly obtuse here and thinking only of herself. There are surely plenty of things she and the OP could do that don't require expenditure or for the OP to make childcare arrangements that are expensive or onerous for her sister.

I think the OP should have a chat with the friend and spell things out, but I would be frustrated and a bit resentful if I had a friend who couldn't join the dots by herself.

It's a bit embarrassing to explain to someone that you are poor and what that means when it comes to invitations. She shouldn't have to do that.

I dont view people who do go to concerts as some sort of renegades.

And neither do I, nor did I when I couldn't afford to go to them or buy a cup of coffee.

But I would have found it embarrassing to have to field multiple invitations from a friend who thought I could go to a concert just because I was able to spend money on a holiday, or whatever it is that makes this friend believe a single mother of two children who works full time can afford jaunts and courses and concerts and the childcare that goes with all of that.

The OP is able to afford a holiday because she lives next door to her sister, who provides childcare and helps with school runs. She has said she doesn't have spare cash and prioritises family experiences when it comes to spending whatever she has. She saves for holidays but the friend has invited her to a hiking trip next month, clearly unaware that saving is involved for the OP when it comes to expenses other than month-to -month necessities. The friend is either unaware of the OP's financial situation or completely misreading what she sees - a car, a job, maybe a holiday with the children - and thinking if she can afford one thing she can afford everything.

And that is frustrating, because the friend is a grown adult who should be paying more attention to how people live.

Ok I understand a bit better what you are saying and I agree it can be really frustrating but again I think it comes down to personal preference on how you approach these things, I'd like to be asked.

So I think you'd prefer not to be asked unless it were a case of easy (time/childcare) and free-cheap? I'd rather have the choice rather than my friend decide what I can and can't afford and only inviting me to the free events for example.

It doesn't seem like the OP has communicated her(?) preference to her friend - and it might be that it changes down the line and OP might need to readdress it.

I do still think that the way the OP was written came across as someone who is holding resentment towards a friend they no longer like much and has become more of an irritating habit. Maybe the OP's friend is an insensitive arse, or maybe there is a build up of different things contributing towards a drifting apart.

Are you the OP @mathanxiety? <- not trying to be rude by asking, I'm just thinking that if you are you really need to have a chat with your friend and explain that ^ to her, she might not realise the extent to which you have to plan money and time etc.

She might not be doing it out of insensitivity but because you are so good at looking like you aren't struggling.

No, and in fact I'm a few time zones away.

But I have been in the position of having to constantly turn down invitations due to not having any spare cash. It gets tiring, and the prospect of sitting people down to explain things isn't a nice one.

Ok no worries.

I do understand, I've been in the same position at times in my life and I have come across the permanently blind and they are really frustrating!

I think it's really important to note that there is no shame in struggling, a lot of the embarrassment around it comes from being perceived as less than to not be well off. And while you might have less than, it doesn't make you less than if that makes any sense at all - it's late for me here.

I think if its as long term and close(?) a friendship as OP and the friend they should be able to talk about it and it not come up again. It feels instead like there's been build up of resentment due to the friends "easy" life compared to the OPs.

I can’t express how disappointed I was with the obscurity of her hobbies.