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Original poster

Friend and her obscure hobbies

103 replies

hannahj2 · 30/05/2022 12:04

I've been best friends with her (let's call her Mary) since high school.
Her hobbies and interests have always been a bit unusual and quirky to say the least. Nothing wrong with that..
However.. they are all very expensive hobbies. She doesn't work and lives at home with parents. In her late 30s. No kids or expenses.
I'm a single mum of 2, and live on a budget.
Mary has asked me to go along with her for a hiking trip to the lake district next month. It will involve an overight stay in a very overpriced hotel, as well as meals, petrol and so on.
I've no idea how she even manages to afford this kind of stuff... Hasn't worked for about 15 years. Not on benefits either. I work full time (luckily my sister helps with childcare and school runs) as lives next door. But despite working full time, I don't have spare cash and on the rare occasions I do, then I prefer saving it towards a family holiday.
I'm not interested in hiking.. nothing against the place in the Lake District.. it's pretty but I'm not in a position to fork out hundreds for a night there.
Also, wanted me to join a German language course with her starting in September. Again, it's all money. Besides, with my job and kids I don't have time to be attending courses.
Another one was a concert she wanted me to attend. Some obscure 90s duo I'd never even heard of till she mentioned them. Not remotely interesting to me.
How do I make my friend see all this? She's a nice person but just doesn't really seem to 'get' my need to work.

OP posts:
FoiledByTheInsect · 30/05/2022 14:45

When you said expensive hobbies I thought it'd be horseriding, Persian cat shows and art collecting. Literally nothing weird or that expensive about concerts and language courses.

You really wanted a bit of a virtue-signal and a thread about where she gets her money from, didn't you OP.

2bazookas · 30/05/2022 14:53

I wouldn't call any of her hobbies obscure.

If you don't want to go/do those things , just say no thanks.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2022 14:56

I don't understand what your problem is. You simply tell her you're not interested and/or you can't afford it. Is that so difficult?

Chewbecca · 30/05/2022 15:15

Obscure, (fairly) expensive hobbies:

glass blowing
hang gliding
collecting faberge eggs

Please just say ‘thanks for the invite, unfortunately I can’t afford that’.

dropthevipers · 30/05/2022 15:48

Disappointing. I clicked on here hoping to hear about something like amatuer dry cleaning. No such luck.

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2022 15:55

Sounds like you no longer have much in common?
it’s fine to say ‘no’ when she asks you do do things with her, or you can say “that’s not really my thing”. Maybe suggest doing something you might like doing? Not everything has to cost money.

I hike and I wouldn’t call it an expensive hobby, but then I wouldn’t stay in an expensive hotel (travel lodge is fine, or wild camp).

Maybe you need to find new friends that are interested in the same things as you?

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2022 15:56

And I also need to know what her obscure hobbies are as hiking and learning a new language seems pretty standard.

AlisonDonut · 30/05/2022 15:58

It all depends on who the obscure duo are.

StingrayStingray · 30/05/2022 16:02

It sounds like you don't like her and are resentful of her.

She sounds like she values your friendship and company, she sounds like a nice friend who wants to spend time with you.

If you want to keep the friendship going just tell her you can't afford it or don't have time for her suggestion right now and offer an alternative.

alfagirl73 · 30/05/2022 16:05

I don't see those hobbies/activities as obscure or even particularly expensive - they are simply not to your taste and not within your budget.

How she funds her life really isn't anyone's business but her's. Perhaps she has won or inherited a sum of money and is happy with her set up. She doesn't have to justify or explain it to anyone.

There is nothing wrong with her inviting you to join her in her activities, just as there's nothing wrong with politely declining. An invitation to do something is just that - an invitation - not a summons.

It does, however, sound like you are a bit resentful of the fact that she is able to do these things and you are not.

If it's not your thing and/or you can't afford it, then just politely decline - or maybe suggest something yourself that you would enjoy and that is within your budget. Do you do anything together? What shared interests do you have?

Hiking and languages are not quirky - they are positive activities that enhance one's life. If they are not your taste then fine - politely decline the invitation but it sounds to me like she has a very interesting life and mindset.

FieryPitOfMordor · 30/05/2022 16:07

AlisonDonut · 30/05/2022 15:58

It all depends on who the obscure duo are.

If they’re as obscure as the rest of the hobbies, probably someone like Savage Garden or Lighthouse Family.

CorpseReviver · 30/05/2022 16:08

Sorcha69 · 30/05/2022 13:33

Who is the obscure 90's duo?

I also want to know this.

Lovemusic33 · 30/05/2022 16:31

Is it Robson & Jerome?

SweetSakura · 30/05/2022 16:33

Her hobbies sound disappointingly mainstream.

diddl · 30/05/2022 16:36

AlisonDonut · 30/05/2022 15:58

It all depends on who the obscure duo are.

Absolutely!

DoubleDiamond · 30/05/2022 16:37

2 Unlimited?

Just say no no no no no no no no no no no no there's no way I'm shelling out for a German language course.

Mamette · 30/05/2022 16:42

SweetSakura · 30/05/2022 16:33

Her hobbies sound disappointingly mainstream.

I know a man whose partner has a hobby collecting roadkill and doing taxidermy on it.

Does that help at all with the disappointment?

PeopleRStrange · 30/05/2022 17:18

"Another one was a concert she wanted me to attend. Some obscure 90s duo I'd never even heard of till she mentioned them"

@hannahj2 please come back and tell us if this was the Pet Shop Boys, as they are currently on tour

SchoolThing · 30/05/2022 17:28

Hall & Oates?

excelledyourself · 30/05/2022 17:29

Tears for Fears?

excelledyourself · 30/05/2022 17:30

Although they were 80's really

Aprilx · 30/05/2022 17:30

How do I make my friend see all this?

There is nothing you need to make her see. She has some fairly main stream interests and is nice enough to see if you are interested in join in. If you don’t want to or can’t, you just say no, there is nothing you need to make her see.

And I don’t think asking somebody if they would like to join you in a new activity, means not understanding that they need to work!

SchoolThing · 30/05/2022 17:31

Milli Vanilli?

Lookingoutside · 30/05/2022 17:37

You sound jealous. And tired.

Are you sure your mate is the problem?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2022 17:40

Yo u say she doesn't understand your need to work but none of those things impinge upon that. A weekend away with a partner, kids and job is hardly weird. An evening course is hard work but not astonishingly weird. A concert is fairly standard.

If it's money then I'd just keep repeating to every request you can't afford it. If it isn't your thing, tell her that. Unless she's making it an issue when you say no, just keep saying no if you don't want to go.

The bigger issue see. S to be whether you're putting any effort into maintaining the friendship? Do you ever suggest stuff YOU want to do? Do you suggest stuff you can afford or is hse having to constantly ask you because you're soooo busy being happily married with kids?