Husband and cocaine

[Ems11]

Looking for advice. Me and my husband have been together since we are teenagers, 4 children we had what I thought was a happy marriage other than one thing..cocaine.
When we got together as teenagers I was completely against drugs didn’t even smoke still don’t but I knew he dabbled. We had a conversation at 18 that if he was going to use recreationally it would go no further and he promised he wouldn’t, that was the 1st promise he broke.
Over the years on occasions I have found out he has been taking cocaine on nights out etc. He said he thought he was doing no harm all his friends do the same but assured me over and over it wouldn’t happen again, it has.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago, I had to go away from work and when I came home he just looked weird I just had an instinct he’d done it again and when I pressed him he admitted it. Told him the marriage was over, he cried said he was suicidal promised he’d get help. He went to a counsellor, gave up alcohol for a few weeks and tried to convince me to give it another go. Other than this big elephant in the room I felt we had a good marriage. While he was grovelling he said he would forgo a golfing holiday he had coming up with his friends to prove to me he was passed it all.
Once he got me back on side the little hints started dropping in about how he worked hard, needed the break, he wouldn’t touch a thing, he’d it all under control. He went, he guilted me into it. He is doing a drug test when he gets back he said.
Another condition we had was I would be able to contact him at all times, he promised I would. Well he’s there now and I can’t get him, he calls maybe once a day but that’s it. My anxiety is through the roof as I’m terrified he’s going to relapse and I know for sure I’ll walk then. He assured me call me anytime and u will know all is good. The last 2 days his phone is either off or ringing out. I’m fuming he is putting me through this. He keeps saying ah it’s dead or I left it in the room charging, my drug test will be clear that’s all u have to worry about.

He just never ever seems to stick to his word and the trust is gone. I don’t know what way to be when he is back as I’m so annoyed and upset.

He's lied and lied and lied to you repeatedly.
He's broken promises repeatedly.

He is therefore not trustworthy and either unwilling or unable to prioritise you and your four children, whether he's an addict or a casual user.

The drugs are almost a red herring here in a way. He doesn't put your family first and you can't trust him.

That's an exhausting way for you live - constantly being lied to and waiting to be let down yet again

I've got rid of my ex for this,I can't tell u how many times and took him back,he lies about every thing money,coke,alcohol spent numerous nights out and wouldn't answer any calls or messages,been together 14 years and the last 4 have been complete hell,get rid of him,trust me he will not change,check the bank!

His planning on using someone else’s piss isn’t he. I’d want to be in the bathroom with him start to finish whilst he takes it. Bet he won’t allow that though.

just dump him!

You can't win this by bargaining with him, you probably can't win it at all.

He doesn't want to stop taking drugs, and appears not to think there's any reason he needs to. You do want him to.

If that's the situation I think you need to separate. So pull your finances and see a solicitor and get that ball rolling. Don't talk to him about it till you have a plan.

The only (slim) hope he will change is if during a period of separation he realises recreational drug use is not worth the separation. But he needs to decide this for himself - you cannot control him on holiday by ringing him all the time, he isn't a kid, you aren't his mum.

How often does he do it? If everything else is great on your relationship and it’s a once in a while thing, is it really that terrible?

@PetersRabbitt he won’t get the opportunity to do that as I will watch. Even the fact I have to do that kills me.
I wish it was that easy to just walk. It’s like there are 2 sides to him. On the outside he works hard, is a good dad, the kids adore him but this has always been the issue throughout our marriage and relationship.

Do people think he was bad for going away and leave me in this state? My anxiety is through the roof 😔

Why is your anxiety through the roof? Why are you not dealing with your anxiety generally? If you are angry that's fine, understandable. He's uncontactable and has yet again broken promises. But the anxiety? Of what? What are you anxious about?

The relationship is already dead when you’re drug testing your partner.

2nd a previous poster who said he’s likely got someone else’s urine sample lined up, so he thinks he can behave as he wants and go against his word as it’s all covered.

@Fluffyowl00 yes it really is that terrible. I have teenage children who I am trying to set a good example to. I refuse to turn a blind eye when he has children looking up to him. I have never touched anything and expect the same in return

@Oblomov22 I do have generalised anxiety disorder and this whole situation just triggers it and makes it worse. For a while he’s been off alcohol and my mind was at ease as the alcohol and cocaine go hand in hand. Now he’s away drinking I fear what he might be up to

He’s not bad for going on holiday with his mates. He’s entitled to do that. But you need to accept that he’ll never stop taking drugs. You’re in ‘this state’ because you’re living with a cocaine user that you can’t trust. How many years has it been since he promised to stop, and he’s still doing it? Also how long is he on holiday for? Cocaine can be out of your system in just a few days. Also if it’s a urine test he’s doing you’ll need to actually watch his penis urinating into the bottle or whatever. I know people in work who get synthetic urine kits. They strap it to their legs and it’s got a tube they pull out to make it look like they’re actually taking a piss

fundamentally, you knew he was a drug user when you met. What is your current issue with it? Do you feel he does it more now than originally? Do you begrudge the financial cost? It’s entirely up to you to decide that you don’t want to be in the relationship, for any reason. Getting to the point of controlling another persons behaviours and emotional manipulation about anxiety etc isn’t necessary though.

Leave or live with it.

You know he's lying about the phone contact, don't you? If he's lying then he is hiding something from you.

Upshot,Drugs is either a deal breakers for you or not. It's really comes down to that.

I couldn't live my life with someone doing drugs, it's the whole lifestyle associated with illegal drugs.

He must have some level of dependency if he can't stop knowing he will lose his marriage. I guess he knows how to manipulate you as your boundaries are moveable. Could he lose his job for drug taking?

Ask him to read up on county lines and think about how he would feel if his kids were involved to supply people like him for nights out / boys holidays.

Uncertainty exacerbates anxiety.

Seriously, tell him to do one.

He was using this to prove himself to you and he's failed.
Text him and tell him his things are at his moms.

@Ihatethenewlook 3 days holiday

Have you spoken to your GP recently re your anxiety?

I have personal experience of this and stayed with him. Won't put more detail on here but available if you want to talk x

Cocaine only stays in your pee for 48 hours so he could just not do it the two days before he's due home.

Do you realize that alcohol and coke create a more potent metabolite, cocaethylene? Many young men have heart attacks in bed after a sesh and long-term use causes depression and suicidal thoughts. Self-help groups are full of key snorting men of all ages. I just had a confession from 2 of my oldest friends reckon they now snort a key whilst sitting watching the telly.

I'm like wtf.

I was part of the first wave from the acid house generation doing a gram a line, ten yrs later I sat in the local mental hospital having treatment.
Fook that.

Poison.

I’m sorry but counselling is not enough to get rid off coke & alcohol addiction. if it was me I’d only stay with him under the condition he goes to Alan actual rehab and is clean.

I am really sorry but I think once it’s got to the stage where you are planning on standing over him to check he isn’t going to fake a drug test result the relationship is basically dead in the water. Even if his test is clear he can’t even stick to the promises he made to he contactable and is still lying his butt off whole away.

I think he’s been very manipulative - threatening suicide and then cajoling you into this holiday with promises he never intended to keep. If he had been serious about sobriety he wouldn’t have gone in the first place.

I feel you, my partner is on everything he can get his hands on. However I love him so much and he’s never committed a crime or done anything nasty and he’s the loveliest guy who loves me wholeheartedly so for me it’s worth it to be with him.

If he's on a range of drugs he's committing crimes.