Husband and cocaine

[Ems11]

Looking for advice. Me and my husband have been together since we are teenagers, 4 children we had what I thought was a happy marriage other than one thing..cocaine.
When we got together as teenagers I was completely against drugs didn’t even smoke still don’t but I knew he dabbled. We had a conversation at 18 that if he was going to use recreationally it would go no further and he promised he wouldn’t, that was the 1st promise he broke.
Over the years on occasions I have found out he has been taking cocaine on nights out etc. He said he thought he was doing no harm all his friends do the same but assured me over and over it wouldn’t happen again, it has.
Things came to a head a few weeks ago, I had to go away from work and when I came home he just looked weird I just had an instinct he’d done it again and when I pressed him he admitted it. Told him the marriage was over, he cried said he was suicidal promised he’d get help. He went to a counsellor, gave up alcohol for a few weeks and tried to convince me to give it another go. Other than this big elephant in the room I felt we had a good marriage. While he was grovelling he said he would forgo a golfing holiday he had coming up with his friends to prove to me he was passed it all.
Once he got me back on side the little hints started dropping in about how he worked hard, needed the break, he wouldn’t touch a thing, he’d it all under control. He went, he guilted me into it. He is doing a drug test when he gets back he said.
Another condition we had was I would be able to contact him at all times, he promised I would. Well he’s there now and I can’t get him, he calls maybe once a day but that’s it. My anxiety is through the roof as I’m terrified he’s going to relapse and I know for sure I’ll walk then. He assured me call me anytime and u will know all is good. The last 2 days his phone is either off or ringing out. I’m fuming he is putting me through this. He keeps saying ah it’s dead or I left it in the room charging, my drug test will be clear that’s all u have to worry about.

He just never ever seems to stick to his word and the trust is gone. I don’t know what way to be when he is back as I’m so annoyed and upset.

Being honest with you you don’t trust him and that for me is enough to leave. You shouldn’t have to be constantly questioning him and the fact he has made assurances and not followed through would be it for me. I wouldn’t be able to trust him especially as this is supposedly his best behaviour.

Yeah he's planning on passing that test, but by cheating it.

You have all answers you need already with or without that positive test.

Leave him,I can't tell you how much I went through in the last 4 years,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy x

Hope I can ask a quick question about drugs,,, is it possible to die of a weed overdose? I ask because last week dh caught a young lad in our garden smoking weed, he was behind a hedge on our lawn next to a quiet road. Bit worried if he were to die would I be responsible for a death on my land. Think dh got him to leave but I'm worried he will do it again.

Someone not in your care essentially trespassing (if he was on your land uninvited) without your knowledge, who you moved on once you saw them, is not legally your responsibility whatsoever. If you see him again, move him on again. You won't be legally responsible for his behaviour at all.

Oh thanks, we have cameras so that might help. Not sure if weed is as bad as coke for overdosing.

@Bananalanacake It's not easy to overdose on weed as such in a physically dangerous way. But it can zonk someone out a bit. Especially as he'd maybe been drinking too. Plus you don't know what else he's had. But presumably if he could get up and leave he was fairly ok. If he'd been unconscious I'dve called an ambulance, but sounds like it wasn't like that really.

@Ems11 , how're you feeling?

Just sounds like a manipulative twat tbh. Claiming to be suicidal when you decided to leave. That would have been the nail in the coffin for me.

He Isn't an addict, he takes drugs because he want to. And rather than give up, he'd rather threaten you with suicide if you leave him. Asshole.

@Pinkbonbon I didn't spot that bit. Yes, very manipulative.

Whilst so much of your time, emotional energy and headspace is dedicated and preoccupied with this man and poor behaviour your DCs are missing out on being parented as you can’t be in two emotional places at once. Get rid of him (or at least emotionally detach) so that they can be your priority focus to minimise risk to their emotional lives as it seems that they have only one parent who is potentially emotionally available to them.

You're married to a drug addict. Get rid for yourself children's sake if not your own

FfS how often has he taken it? It says nowhere here that he is an addict or anywhere near.

I think you have made a rod for your own back here, OP and are VERY controlling..

And re weed, no he wasn't overdosing, he was just monged out. I last had a puff on a jount 6 uears ago after not for about 20! It is sooo much stronger now, it can make you sleepy instantly. Alcohol.is the most dangerous for OD tbh and obv the most common.

If he had a negative drug test, I would praise him and encourage him to keep up that way.

Of course, I would divorce if he hasn't stopped.

With any addict marriage/relations become very toxic and unhappy.

I would avoid it 100%.

I am like you 100% against any drugs and alcohol.

1 unit or none is my very maximum 1-2-3 times a year. I prefer good quality lemonade more than any alcohol as I was psychologically traumatized in my childhood about how alcohol kills.

I witnessed an alcoholic family member (who started light, then heavy drinking at 19-20 years old) going down the hill for 14 years. He then died at the age of 48 in 2009.

I wouldn't blame him for cheating without any proof.

You're not wrong @Ems11 you've had a boundary he has repeatedly, knowingly crossed and has lied to and manipulated you every time he's broken a promise.

It's like testing how far he can push it now, he talked you down further and further till he got to go on his trip and then immediately broke his promise to be contactable, not once, not twice but more?

So basically he can do what he wants.

Coke users are arseholes, they are also more likely to die of heart attacks suddenly and that's not taking into account the cost, lies and ethical concerns involved in the drug.

Bottom line is that he has decided his habit (however frequent or not) is more important than his promises to you, his wife.

I'd be thoroughly fucked off about him bringing it into my home where my children were as well tbh.

This is true. You need a hair test. He can't cheat that.

A Google search suggests cocaine use can be picked up for upto 90 days in hair.

I believe some drugs leave your system quicker than others. He may well have done something else. You're obviously unhappy and the trust has gone. You don't need to find another reason/catch him out again leave. I mean he was AWOL despite saying he'd be contactable. That suggests he may well have been wasted.

They were saying things like 'let the guy have a sniff of coke' and calling other posters names

They sent me a couple of abusive PMs. I hope they have been banned by now.

@Sallypally0 Oh dear, sorry to hear that. They must be really bored in life or something.

Sorry to hear that happened, Cocaine users turn into arseholes