How do I get over strong feelings for someone I have to see most days

[Blossom4538]

…and adore, but I’m married and it’s totally inappropriate.

I felt they had feelings for me too, but are trying to distance themselves a little now.

I have huge attraction and deep emotional attachment, for various reasons and it’s driving me mad. I feel awful

Genuinely not sure but l would love to know! I am in the same situation at work and it’s tough. Im really paranoid about other people guessing and lm trying not to over think it all. Not sure if he has any inkling about how l feel or what his thoughts are about me. I’m willing the whole thing to blow over. But this is a couple of years in and we are going to start working more closely imminently 🙄

Do not swap numbers or messages.
Keep your distance
And repeat.
Its for the best.

If you adore them I'd say a line has been crossed that it will be very difficult to go back from.
Would you rather be with this person than your partner? Do they want to be with you?
Getting to a stage of adoration for someone else is a pretty big deal that can indicate you're not in the right primary relationship.
The accepted wisdom is always to distance yourself, but in all honesty, when feelings have reached that stage, the horse has bolted, and few people have the strength to do it, unless they cut them out entirely, change jobs for example.
You're at a crossroads where you choose your marriage or this person you adore, and when the choice is made you need to go all in. Attempts to avoid them and vague 'distancing' doesn't cut it unfortunately.

Seriously have a word with yourself. Are you happily married otherwise? What does this other person have that your spouse does not?

Watching this.

Have to work with someone every day who I am v worried I'm developing real feelings for. But an v happily married and it's scaring me.

I wish I could give you amazing advice but I'm in the same boat too. Seems there's a few of us!!

I work very closely with this man and will be continuing to do so for at least the next year. Have worked hard to get where I am so another job not an option at the moment.

It's really difficult. We are both married and I know the feelings are mutual. I've tried many things - seeing him as he really is, warts & all; distancing myself; throwing myself into lots of nice things with my DH. The feelings are still there & getting stronger. There's nothing lacking in my marriage (perhaps a bit dull but there's a lot of love) & this crush appeared out of nowhere & totally surprised me.

I'm now wondering whether it's a peri-menopausal thing. I'm looking into supplements & attempting to get myself fit & active to boost my self-esteem.

Oh, and definitely not getting myself into any situations (like getting drunk or socialising) where something could happen. 😬

If you don't want to leave your marriage or cheat, then sharp immediate action is the only way.
You need to stop any and all interaction with this man that is not job related.
Even that harmless how was your weekend? is a gateway to conversation that fuels these things.
Do not engage in any jokes or banter with him. Give him zero opportunity to 'shine'. Don't let him support you even in work matters if you have another option.
Do not under any circumstances kid yourself you can be friends. Once a 'friendship' is established you will be in trouble, and it will be a hundred times more difficult to stop.

Yes, you're absolutely right. I'm starting to realise that minimum contact / professional conversations only is the way.
The alternative is a road I absolutely cannot go down.

It might be worth doing a bit of soul searching around your marriage too. What is it you think in the long term you might get from him that you're not getting from your husband? Do you have more in common? Is he a nicer person? More intellectually stimulating?
At the moment in your mutually discovered new attraction you're seeing the best of him. Attentive, makes you laugh, very supportive (guessing here) but that's him making an effort for 8 hours, and it wouldn't carry into a long term relationship at that level.
So, if you imagine the real man without the bells and whistles, is he a better option for you? (And that's not rhetorical, because sadly, sometimes they actually are) Once you've done that, you're at least acting from a position of full understanding.

I think there is definitely something in the peri menopause phase too. My hormones are going wild like when I was a teenager. I also feel confident and sexy like I didn't have time to when my kids were little.

My issue isn't my marriage; it's that this guy is essentially my husband, but 15 years younger. We enjoy each other's company a lot (we are a team of two so we have to!) and it can feel a bit intoxicating at times.

That must be really difficult for you.

I am working hard to not overthink but phewwwww. Luckily my husband is reaping all the benefits 😉

This. I was in this situation 10 years ago, cut contact and changed role/office location so I didn't see the person involved for 5 years. Went back into a role in the office as I was sure I'd be over him and we wouldn't see each other anyway.

I wasn't over him and also I found my exH was a gaslighting cheating f*cker

I did get together with subject of adoration. This was 5 years ago and I still adore him. I can't imagine ever looking at anyone else the same way.

I think anyone in this scenario who wants to stay with their husband should change jobs. But also examine what about their marriage is causing them to be open to connections with others.

Its a horrible situation to be in. I’ve learnt to internalise it, because it’s just not appropriate at all! (I’ve been very unhappy in my marriage at various points throughout that time, but that’s a separate issue and I’m hoping things are improving now although I still brace myself for things to end up as they were.) No one would know what I’m feeling or thinking, especially him thank goodness. It’s been 4 long years for me. Sometimes it’s exhausting. I think you just have to be strong and be in control. Poker face your own emotions.

It’s so very hard being human at times. We can’t help how we feel about other people and unfortunately even when we get married our senses don’t automatically get switched off.

'The heart will do what the heart will do' I read that somewhere. Your body doesn't need to follow though!

Unless you have willpower of iron, I think you need to be away from the person properly, then you can move on.

I get that; I am really happy in my marriage and I honestly don't think my feelings are in response to something that's missing.

I am married, not dead or blind, I didn't invite the feelings, I'm controlling them as best I can and hoping for them to pass. I mean, they came unbidden, they can go the same way right?

I'm not acting on it. Just trying to breathe through it.

You're not missing anything in your marriage, you're missing your past. I think its really common at a certain point in life to get a bit wistful about what was. Your problem is that you've got a chance at a second go round standing right in front of you, and you need a will of iron to resist!

Yes you're dead right. That's exactly it.

Thank you for articulating it! It sort of helps. And it helps because I don't think he feels the same, although I couldn't swear to it. He just isn't dealing with my middle age hormone fiasco maybe and can keep his head.

Its different for him. If he has feelings for you, they're likely to be a lot less complicated, a woman he finds attractive, possibly aspirational who he thinks he's got no chance with as you're older and married. In a way his feelings, if he has them, will be the more 'real'. Which I guess is another reason against it.

Oh he's also married, so the whole thing is entirely a no go. It just hurts while it's passing through I guess.

Focus on the reality of what it is. People's work persona is not their real persona. A co-operative, fruitful working relationship can be very attractive because it has nothing to do with who puts the bins out or whether it's fair that someone went for a bike ride so you had to lok after DC from 6am when it was your turn for a lie in or whether you should spend all of Bank Holiday weekend locked in traffic just so you can sit in a stuffy dark house with in-laws who show zero interest in their grandchildren but still insist you visit etc etc. The stuff of life is absent, so the person you are crushing on stays ideal and shiny and seems like an escape froute from the mundane.

Just imagine them on the loo whining there's no paper left, or ignoring you while you try to tell them something important or boring on about football/tennis/politics.

Thank you, a lot of great advice here!

My H is great, we have a lot of stress in our lives though. We haven’t had sex in a looong time, years. I have always had a higher sex drive and hormones are raging - likely peri-menopausal.

I am likely to be in contact with this person for a long time, that can’t change.

We had a meeting a short while ago, where the tension was palpable. He blushed the whole time, as did I, lots of deep eye contact. Tried to remain professional and it’s been fine since, slightly awkward and I’d say we avoid eye contact a little now!

Its complicated, the reason why and a little outing, but I’d say due to circumstances I’ve developed an emotional attachment.

H has started to irritate me more, life is a little rubbish recently, but I can’t imagine being single again and realistically even being with this person. It’s just hard on a daily basis and making me emotional and of course question how things have turned out and my marriage.

I'm probably going to get shot to flames for this but given your sexless martiage, would a very discrete 'situation' be totally off the cards if the other guy is single?

You haven't had sex with your dh in years?! But you have a high sex drive?? No wonder you're lusting after someone else.. I think that's pretty understandable! I obviously don't know the reasons why, but I personally couldn't be in a sexless marriage..

TBH i think I'd be overwhelmingly tempted if I hadn't had sex in years too!